that when one person tells you something about yourself...you don't necessarily need to listen....but when 4 or 5 tell you something, you better stop and listen. Not necessarily BELIEVE but you need to stop and listen.

"I've been told by the SD counselor, school counselor, BM and now GAL that I am over-stepping as a step parent and that I am controlling and manipulative...."

I am a step-mom to three girls and I AM controlling and I overstepped my bounds with my step children. It infuriated my skids BM. It took me going to counseling and some serious soul searching to finally admit this. My intentions were always "good" but as we all know, the pathway to hell is paved with these "good intentions".....

My advice. Back off. Go to counseling for yourself. Leave all the BS of BM, DH, and SD to DH and BM. Focus all your "parenting" energy on your own child. Your SD obviously has two very capable parents so let them be just that.

I say all of this to you bluntly because you have no idea how much me backing off has helped our "blended family". I don't go to drop off/pickups. I don't go to school functions, soccer games, band recitals, etc. I don't take to dr./ortho/dentist appts. I enjoy the girls when they come to our house and that's it. I'll babysit if DH has to work but no other reason. I never, never go to mediation, court appearances, or parent/teacher conferences. It is just not my place and I completely respect BMs wishes regarding the same even though she takes her BF to all of these. She can be a hypocrite all she wants....I won't bother with it anymore and my DH is secure enough not to care. For some reason my mere existence bothers her...I can't change that but I can alleviate it for her a little bit.

My skids BM filed a petition in August to modify parenting time reducing my husband's time to about 4 days a month. We are now processing an order that she has agreed to with 50/50 placement. I know for a fact that me backing off had at least 90% to do with it. I even made a phone call to her recently apologizing for every time I over stepped my role as a step parent and stuck my big nose right in the middle of all THEIR business....she thanked me profusely and even apologized for some of her past behavior. It was monumental after ALL that we have been through.

I know there are many that don't agree with this approach, but it works for me. I love my skids and they adore me. I let BM "win" the power struggle her and I were having and it has been so peaceful ever since.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

None of this is your fault. It's no one's fault, really. Everyone is looking for someone to blame and since you are not part of the "bloodline" you are singled out. That is just how it works. I have been told that I too overstep my boundaries simply because I did for Ss as I would do for my own 2 BDs.
After 3 years of BM pushing me out of the way, calling me names, saying she was going to file harassment chgs on me, refusing to give my H info on the SS simply bc she wants control and doesnt want me around.
It's sort of like this: you have to decide-Do you want to continue like this or not?
You can take it to the bank-this vindictive person WANTS you to feel exactly how you feel right now. I know, we all want to think we are in control of our emotions but how are we in control when we are so quick to tell ourselves we are a failure and that the legal things that happen are our faults? This is what people want you to do. When a BM goes in to a GAL they are automatically put on a pedastal (take it from me, I was on that pedastal and I used it to my advantage-not with another woman with my BD grandparents who wanted her absent fathers rights). You will never be seen as the provider for this child. The court and it's figures see only the parents. Your word will mean nothing in court and mean nothing to the GAL.
I hope that your SD has not gone and said these things. I have a 6yr old BD and she does go back and forth with myself and her grandparents. I have found that if I ever do ask her a question she will give me the answer that she thinks I want to hear and I will have to remind her that telling the truth is the important part, not making Mommy happy. At 6, most children are eager to please and will say (we go to church and actively participate-Im not saying that will make a child lie or not lie, Im just pointing out I have made the effort to instill what I think are good values)anything to please the people they love. If you are waiting with open arms for this child each time she comes over, you are inviting a problem. The instant a child-no matter how young-realizes they can manipulate they will do it and they will do it often. My daughter often complains about "no one" playing with her at nanny & poppys. She will tell me later that she wants to go over there bc I won't play with her like they will!?
Six is a vulnerable age.
School functions must be crept upon with the utmost carefulness. I will not go to any school functions. I end up at the school bc I volunteer my time and I often run into BM at whole-school functions. She always makes it a point to speak to my children and then later says something smart about them. How the look like little snots with their nice clothes blah blah whatever.
I attend a ptc with my H every year. He went with his X 3 years ago and she sat and laughed and made excuses for SS the whole time. I went bc I was invited. I don't care if the teacher wants me there or not. The childs performance in school affects my children and myself. If he does poorly and we get on to him my other kids know that Bubby doesn't do well in school. This isn't healthy for my kids, thus the reason we will soon be cutting all ties.
Your SD sounds like she does need that counseling. Maybe you should not go. Just say to yourself and the other parties that if you are not involved you are not involved-your behavior shouldnt affect the outcome if youaren't involved, right?! Don't let them drag you through the dirt. I got into soe legal trouble back in my late teens-at my husbands custody hearing I went thinking it was the right thing to do-we were not married at that time-her atty put me on the stand and made me repeat each sin of my entire lifetime, wanted me to tell the whole entire story to everyone in the court room. My soon to be in laws were there, along with teachers and such.
Needless to say, I was misrepresented and my husband did not get the custody that he deserved. The Judge ruled it was not in the child's favor to chg JC, but that mother should be primary physical custodian (and this is a direct quote) "Simply bc she has has control of the minor child for the majority of the time since the divorce."
I was portrayed (and the court even listed my first daughters BF as my XH (I was never married) and said he was a drug addict and that he was involved in his daughters life and that would somehow affect the SS. Don't know much about anyone else, but people change, they grow up and not everyone stays stuck. There are stories of people falling and getting back up out there, and I live one of those each and every day. I have never once looked back and to tell my story to total strangers, well that was where I drew the line. I did continue to try and help out, I still do once in a while. I even took SS to his Ortho appt the other day. Now I am just waiting for BM to complain and say that she has no idea what happened, how dare I take him somewhere yea yea. It's old now. I rarely do things like that anymore. I know I sort of delved off into my own experience but bottom line here:
YOu will not be looked at for the person you are, even though you know your intentions are pure and you love that little girl. It hurts more to keep trying and be knocked down over & over than it does to stop. You can still love her but stop the extras. You'll never get what you're looking for. Im not implying youarent loved back Im simply saying that things will always be repeated by no fault of the child-if Mom asks them a ? they are going to answer and Mom will take the answers and run, you can be sure of that. Her heart will not chg and just bc they may take his visitation or part of it does not mean this is the end of her. Take measures to protect yourself and your family. Hopefully your H is strong enough to look beyond the falsehoods that people are saying and move on with you. It will require a little letting go from both of you.
Hope you get to feeling better

I kinda straddle both sides. Whenever Hubby asks me to go somewhere with him in regards to the skids, I go. We attend all functions that we know about. I go with him to drop off and pick up, because he wants me to go with him. Next time they have mediation or court, if he wants me there I will go. However, I don't interact with BM at all unless she approaches us. We have always made sure the skids know that at church and events and such we don't care where they sit, with us or with BM, we're just here for them. I also don't interact with the skids in front of BM unless they come to me. It's not like I ignore them, I say Hi and give them a hug if they come up to me, but I don't follow after them or seek them out, unless DH does and pulls me along with him. I pretty much stay silent when Hubby talks to BM, unless filling in info that he forgot. I stand there, politely, and stay quiet. That way BM can never call me pushy or witchy or whatever, because everyone knows how I am and no one will believe her. Now, when we get home and it's just me and Hubby, well then all bets are off and I give BM a piece of my mind, in absentia, and then I'm all good :evil: I simply refuse to participate in any kind of tug of war with BM. I'm simply there to back up my Hubby. Since I don't do anything other than exist, if she throws a fit everyone calls her crazy, especially since she brings her fiance everywhere with her, and she ends up losing face. After that happened once or twice she stopped, because her public image is the most important thing to her. She might still hate seeing me there, but she is polite now, and that's all I need.

Good way to put it. I do go to events, all of them. I dont do drop offs of pick ups, but she lives about 2 minutes away so it is not a big trip or anything. She is remarried too and he also does all events. She does not speak me to at all. I think I could be standing there on fire and she would still pretent that I dont exist. I am fine with that. I dont engage her either. I dont engage the skids when they are with her. I too will acknowledge them if they come to me but otherwise, I just pretent along with them that I am invisible. I think that as a bio mom, my natural instinct is to try to keep everythng equal and treat them as my own, but I have to remind myself that they are not mine. I do love them, just from a distance.

...but do what you want in your own home. It's an easy and painless way to assure your DH of victory.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

I would have a huge problem if my daughter's called their step mother, "mom, mommy" or any variation.  I don't know why you allowed that to begin with.  I agree with the others, step back and allow you DH to parent and don't get too involved.  In my experience that will back fire.