you are not alone! I just found this site yesterday, and to be reading all of these somehow makes me feel better. To know i am not the only one to go through this! First off, your husband is completely wrong, the children need to adjust to the situation how it is going to be, not hurt you by trying to "paint a picture" for the children of how it used to be at b-days etc. Children are resilliant, and will adjust to what they have to, but the adults here are dragging out there situation longer than it needs to be. They are giving the children false hope that their family will be O.K. Your husband needs to stand up to his beeatch EX and demand respect for you from her and his children, if he does not have the balls to do this, maybe he is not ready to move on without her. i hate to say it, but for your sanity you have to be completely honest with yourself. I have had a 7-year battle with my husbands EX and HIS family - although we sound to be opposite, i am the down to earth no make-up or fashion kind of women and his EX is the fake boob perfect tan make-up and fashion kind - his family and EX deemed me not good enough within the first 2-months of our relationship and it has been a battle ever since - his family even goes to court with HER and tells my bonus son to be mean to our son together - almost every post i have read so far - its all about the EX-beeatchs being vindictive and hurting their own children for their own gains - why don't these women look in the mirror and see what they are doing? just talk to your husband and get the real truth, and if he thinks you are too sensitive, maybe its time to find a man compassionate enough to understand you as you are, hell, maybe thats why his EX really was unhappy - maybe ya'll have more in common than you think!

You need to get out! Maybe then he will listen to you and things will change. Remember this, "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten". As of now he deals with your complaints the same way, he gets mad. You need to make a move to show you are serious. If he values you then he will make amends once he thinks he's lost you. If he doesn't try, then you know where you really stand in his life, and you can move on. Life is too short to be unhappy, and it sounds to me like he isn't going to change until he knows he has to.

I'm glad I came across this page. I have been dating a man for 3 years and lived with him for almost 2. He has 3 children who we have 4 nights a week and every other Sat. and Sun. The boys are 12 and 10 and the girl is 5. It was rough at first, but now the boys and I are fine. The 5 yr old girl has always been close to me but when I moved in with them, she still slept in the same bed with us. So we weaned her off that; however, he had to get her to sleep and then come to bed. Well now it feels like he is backtracking - she has to have him in her room to play her video game or watch tv with her. He now spends almost every evening that she is with us in her room (not usually too bad on weekends). Then he comes into our room at 3 or 4 in the morning, if he even comes back to our room and then I am awake and can't get back to sleep. She usually follows in about an hour or two so I am awake again. He can go to sleep in a second and sleep through anythingm I can't, so of course I get mad. He is a slob, so while I am cleaning, doing laundry, etc. he is usually in her room or our room sleeping. I've told him it would be different if he was spending quality time with her but he usually falls asleep watching whatever she is watching. For the last month, he falls asleep and I am left to deal with the boys and make them go to bed, shower, etc. I don't mind because they aren't bad kids, just have to be told several times to do something and they've made the comment that they can stay up later because Dad won't know because he is asleep. They have even made comments about him being in her room all the time. I've told him and he makes an effort to do more with the boys. My major gripe is, when they kids are not there, we of course, spend time together, but when they are, I am an outcast. I never know what we are doing for dinner, when nights change with their Mom, I don't know until the last minute, if the kids have to go somewhere i never know until they are going sometimes, etc. I usually go to my room between cleaning, doing laundry, etc. so he says when I get in my moods, he just leaves me alone. I tell him I get in moods because I'm left out. When I complain about how messy the house is he just says they will try better, but they never do. They take after their Dad with their sloppiness. I feel like a maid who isn't important. I want some of the affection and love that he shows his 5 year old daughter. I don't want to resent her but when she is at our house she rules. He caters to her every need. She and I have a good relationship, but I'm tired of feeling left out by him. He has made comments that I have a problem with her. I do in a way, but I don't want to. I just want to be not left out just because the kids are with us. He wants to get married but I won't yet. Any suggestions?

Why wouldn't he want to marry you? You're a live-in maid/nanny/bed-partner/etc. When I got with my Fiance, I did everything around the house. EVERYTHING. When we were starting out, I would go over there, and he would cook and do everything else while I sat around and talked to him. He would do all the laundry once a week on the weekends, or every other weekend. When we moved in to a house together, I took over. I told him that he has been in charge of everything for so long, that he deserves a break. For a while. Eventually, we will do 50/50. They are, after all, his responsibility. Well, a year later and a half later, I was still doing everything around the house. EVERYTHING. It took him leaving and us fighting all the time for me to finally tell him how things will be when he comes back.

He wants to buy a house and marry and have a baby. I want a long engagement, He wants a short one. I laughed and told him that if things don't shape up when he comes back, I'm gone. He's got a month when he gets back to show me that things will change. I refuse to be a servant anymore. I know that I did it to myself, but I thought eventually it would end. Maybe I was trying too hard to be noble.

The kids are extremely messy. I have managed to contain that to some degree. When he comes back, there will be a reckoning. I will have had six months to stew and plot and plan.

No more cooking, laundry, dishes, mopping, anything. When you want to leave, leave. Want to go shopping? Go. You have nothing there holding you back. It's not your job to babysit his kids. If he wants you to play a role in their lives, then that means that you need to be involved in all aspects of their lives, rewards and punishments included.

I had these same feelings even before we got engaged but I ignored it. The exwife had so much control over my fiance and his daughter. Long story short. I sold my house and we bought a house together. What a mistake! I became a stranger in my own home. My fiance had no time for me when his daughter was here. She didn't like me and her mother of course could not stand me. Everything I said to his daughter was always wrong and than the exwife would refuse to let her come back over. My fiance and I fought all the time. I felt and was the #3 in this relationship. He would never take my side, give me support and include me in their vacations, etc. I have two children myself who liked my fiance but could not stand the way he acted when his daughter was here. He would exclude them and only spend time with his daughter. I hurt so bad and this has really affected my children as well. The day before christmas his daughter was diagnoised with Crhones disease. He said he was leaving me to commit his life to his sick daughter. Now I'm in this big house I can not afford and can't believe everything that has happened in this last year. I have since asked him to come home and let's get some counceling but he refuses and says his daughter hates me and the exwife is happy I'm out of their daughters lives. So just be careful and if your fiance is not willing to support your feelings and leave the exwife behind you could end up like me.

i feel just like all of u! i have been trying to join but cant get the scrambled wor dto create an acct...but just going on the site and reading everyones comments and knowing im not alone has already helped so much!! i am w a wonderful man who i plan to marry...he has 2 boys from his first marriage who are teenagers (who are no issue at all)and a 2 1/2 yr old daughter to a woman he had dated...the child wasnt planned...she basically lied to get pregnant. anyway, my BF is trying to be a good dad and be responsible for SD but BM keeps making it difficult by taking him for more money, changing visitation pickup times, brainwashing SD about us, calling and texting all the time for no reason and even accusing ME of abuse...this is all out of pure vindictiveness, jealousy and spitefulness. she even had us kicked off the list at daycare so we cant go pick her up there! they have a date set for mediation so hopefully everything will be settled soon. the problem is, i am contemplating a future w a man i love more than anything and would have no doubts about if the SD wasnt involved. to make matters worse, the kid is badly babied by her mom and has no manners and basically acts like a little monkey when we have her, which rite now is every mon and thurs nite for 3 hrs and EOW. BF wants to modify visitation to EOW only bc during the wk is more hassle w BM than it is worth, plus he SAYS he thinks EOW is enough. SD talks about mama so much around us, i know she doesnt know any better but that doesnt make it easier. just the sight of her rite now is painful, wasnt in the beginning but is getting that way, bc all i can think about is his past w her and all the horrible mistakes that we both have to pay for for the rest of our life, and how it is affecting our life. as much as i try it is so hard...BF wants to marry me and have our own kids but i am scared BM will never leave us alone to live our lives in peace. and im scared i will never get over feelings toward SD. in the beginning i was so good to her and i still am, but lately when she is over i stay in the bedrm bc just looking at her hurts. does anyone else feel like i do? should i get out now? i want to be encouraged and hope the feelings are the cause of a bad spot that we are going thru w the whole custody thing and hopefully it will improve....but i also dont want to waste my young yrs on a relationship that may truly never work...maybe i am just not cut out to be a stepmom??? does it ever get better? why do we women have to pay such a price to be w the men we love??

I have been involved with a man for about a month in a half, and online friends for a few months..
I have been very slow about building a relationship with him before meeting the kids to assess our relationship before it becomes a group relationship open to their influence.
He is a wonderful man, and being a good father is part of what makes him a good man.
I have also been observing whether he could manage to look out for me and protect my interests while looking out for his kids.
This weekend I saw that he disregarded me for the sake of blindness for his child's emotions.
A friend today tells me they will always put the kids first.
And that it will not change. Wise words to save me from fighting it.
So I feel that now is the time for me to make my decision.
I am looking for a man who will put me first and whom I would put first. My priorities and values are God, spouse, family.
I want to experience the children thing by having children of my own, I want to be a mother, I don't want to be told I am less than the children, and that I can't understand a justification to place my needs last.
It seems insurmountable to expect a man to put a new wife first without neglecting his kids - the balance is just hard.
I would check it out again, but now that I have my answer in this case I have a choice to make knowing that things won't change.
Unfortunately, in dating this wonderful man I have found that my search for the one for me is not over..
I just can't settle for a man who has any reason or justification to dismiss my needs. Which is sad cause he has been so good to me and he has shown me by his goodness that the crap I have put up with from the previous blokes was ridiculous. I have found in him a really good man that I hope to be friends with for time to come.
Any married couple could have a hard time putting their needs in check with their kids too.. it just isn't an even playing field to sort when its one person's kids.

Hello everyone. I just came across your posts and sympathize with your situations even though I must say so far I’ve been pretty lucky. But I must say I worry about the future a lot. My situation is a bit different. My guy and I feel in love while he was married, he divorced his wife after 10 months of being with me. He has two boys, an 8 year old and a 5 year old. He is pretty well off and gave up a substantial amount of money to be with me, not that we will ever have monetary issues. He loves his kids, and I have to say, I like them too. Even more, they seem to really like me. Me and my guy cook for them (their mother NEVER does, she is a stay at home mom (and more power to you if you are, I may be one day too) but she never cooks for them or provides them nutritious meals. We plan fun activities with them. I truly feel my guy values me just as much as the kids especially since he chose to leave his marriage knowing he would only see them 1/2 the time. My guy is extremely driven at work and still somehow finds the time to cook for them, buy them clothes, and just plain give them the love and attention they so crave and don't seem to be getting at home. Apparently the ex-wife uses the tv or video games as a babysitter, in addition to having a babysitter often to care for them. He is openly affectionate with me in front of them, and they seem to want to be part of us. They always ask for me and when I am coming over next. The older who one apparently has problems with the mother, he especially seems to take to me. I think they sense the love between us and I genuinely am starting to love this little kid and his brother. Just as an example, my guy and I were lounging on his hammock outside and the kids topple on and join us and it feels completely comfortable and good. I guess what I worry about is the future. We definitely want children of our own. I worry about what that's going to be like. I worry about the ex-wife poisoning his childrens’ minds in the future (though she doesn't seem to have tried or succeeded so far, though she’s tried with my guy’s mom and a family friend and failed). I worry about events like soccer games which the kids will probably want me at and I will have to interact with the ex which I'm sure hates my guts. I am 10 years younger than her (I am 30) and she is extremely overweight bordering on obese and wears tons of make-up and I am extremely fit and I don’t think she realizes her marriage was over way before her ex ever met me. And I must say I do not respect her and am beyond creeped out that she will have to be in our lives, even if minimally, for the next 13.5 years, oh sorry, the rest of my life! I never thought I would fall in love with a man who was already married, I never thought I’d be “the other woman.” I do not sleep around. I never set out to “get” this guy, before we dated I even told him he should plan dinners with his wife without his kids, and his only response was that the marriage was dead. Even though this is not the ideal situation I imagined for my life, I love my guy beyond words and am totally prepared to treat his children as my own. I never want to hurt his children, I do not want to cause them any emotional scars. Do I have a reason to worry even though so far I’ve been pretty lucky? How would I handle interactions with the ex-wife if I do end up choosing to go to soccer games? Am I being overly sensitive/ cautious? I basically don’t want ANY interaction with her as I feel like she is beneath me. I feel like she is a gold-digger, and comes from a borderline white trash family. I will never badmouth her in front of her children as I never liked it when my father’s sister would badmouth my mother in front of me. But I don’t want anything to do with her. Apparently my guy’s parents don’t like her at all since she has bought expensive cars with her divorce settlement even though she does not do the work associated with being a stay-at home mother. She uses babysitters excessively, uses my guy’s mother as a babysitter, etc. Maybe I should feel sorry for her, I don’t know. Do I just rise above? How do I deal with her presence? She never calls his house and when we get married we will have the house number she calls turned into a second line so I don’t have to be creeped out when the main house number rings. Am I wrong to basically not want her in my life?

Confused

Sweetheart, she calls you "barbie," take it as a complement, she's obviously jealous of you, ha ha, sometimes the best flattery is jealousy! Keep being your beautiful self! Maybe frumpadilla can take some pointers from and actually keep a man.

Don't do it! I am married to a wonderful man..I love him dearly..We have been married for four years....His ex-wife makes sure annually that she cause a rift in our home because there is always drama in her home....She is threatened at our life together so she will try everythign in her power to ruin us....It is very hard, but our relationship (my husband and I) has strengthened, but it is very hard and takes patience.....But save yourself years off your life and heartache...Just find someone with no baggage!!!Take my advice...please...

I'm writing this because I feel it's good therapy. I am becoming overwhelmed...mixed emotions streaming through my head day in and day out. Life doesn't stop and now I have added even more confusion that I didn't really see coming. All I can say is that life was good when we were younger. I was trying to prove myself that I would be a better mother than his ex. As I got older I realized this is real...she is a witch and very bitter. Do I want this? The family still hanging up pictures of all three of them like they are one big happy family. New kids that his ex has had with other men now in his parents house too because they are now considered family. Another smack in the face and a few more laughs when I'm gone. I start to say hurtful things to see what he will do, like "bastard son" and "mistake". All unlike me and attempting to lash back. He never left me. I've always been the girl that he has ever wanted but unfortunately made the mistake I thought anyone of his numbnut friends would make. When we are together he makes me feel like I'm the only one and I find I leave or make other plans when his son comes around. He notices the change in me and I have told him it is because I feel I can't be myself and don't want to already confuse his 7 year old. God knows what he sees at his moms with her new man and recent baby. I have known his child since I was young, but now I count the years trying to figure out when my life will start as if he never interupted it. Will my life will be normal once he is 18? Does he have to live with us? I will be 37 that's not bad but do I really want to be a stepmom? Not at all. I'm not ready to hang pictures in my house of his son until I have my own child first. I don't want to alter my life around him when I am set in my ways. I have had thoughts of him getting a different house so that he can have space for his son with him because there is no room for him at mine and he could hang all the pictures he wants. I don't want to schedule my weekends as I watch my friends without responsibilities on the go to different functions.I say all this because I was excited not to long ago and even entertained the fact that we would get engaged and eventually married- picked out the ring and everything. Now that he is getting ready to get out of the Navy he plans on moving in with me, going to school while working part-time and I am now in panic mode. Do I really want my world closed in...written for me...expected? Am I getting the jitters or do I need to call it off? I even asked if he was going to live with his mother for a while. I know what my main problem is. I lost the love of my life a long time ago at a very young age and have never been the same since. Everything that I knew and wanted was lost when he passed away. Everything that could have be so fresh and new lost. If I knew that there were men out there that didn't have as much baggage as him...but is that worth it and do you really want to go through the whole thing all over again, only to find out it wasn't what you expected. I just know I want only him and we communicate really well and he knows that I am not ready to be someones mother. Now I wonder if I am even ready to be someones wife and if I am even right for him. If this doesn't make since to you all, my apologies.. I just need to get it out and hopefully clear things up in my own head before I leap one way or the other.

My situation is a little different that all the other post because my fiancé has four children including one with me and four “baby mamas”. Yes I said it, four baby mamas. He was never married to any of us; just made babies with us. He has a ten year old for which I knew about in the beginning and didn’t have a problem with. He also has two, four year olds; one from me and the other from an ex he cheated on me with. Finally he has a one year old, in which he finally realized he wanted to settle down with me, while his girlfriend was still pregnant. What a guy, right? My problem is that this is not the kind of relationship I had hope for and I definitely didn’t want to marry someone with multiple kids. I am sometimes embarrassed to be with him knowing he has four kids from four different women. So why am I marrying him? Good questions. We had been dating off and on for about 7 years and times when we were off, he would go and get someone pregnant, including me and his ex at the same time. I don’t know why I still love him after all he has done. Don’t get me wrong, he is a good man and he takes care of my son and I financially but for the rest of my life it’s like I will have to share him with his other kids and their mothers. I’ve been back and forth in my head about this marriage. And I’ve even postponed the marriage twice because I had my doubts. He knows if I postpone the date again, the marriage will not happen and it will be over between us. Plus, I’ve talked to family and friends about my situation and they think I shouldn’t go through with it. I know it’s going to be hard dealing with him not being home for every holiday because he has to spit his time up between his other kids but I just don’t think I am strong enough to deal with it. I finally decided to get married in August (next month) but once again I am feeling the pressure and the stress of thinking I might me making the biggest mistake of my life. I just feel bad because I feel like I never should have accepted his proposal if I had these feeling. I messed up and now I don’t know what to do to make it better.