Well they're here!!!
I was sure I wouldn't be on this site this weekend. I had all kinds of plans to enjoy my step kids and I thought we'd be really busy. We'll now I'm in tears, we still have more than half of the weekend left and I want out of this life. It is impossible. We watch a lot of Cinderella because my daughter loves it. Now I think I see a parallel. My step kids treat her like the ugly step daughter, this horrible thing, Cindreeellla.
You should see the way my daughters personality changes when they are over. She's hyper and uncontrollable. She has curly hair and she starts to pull on it, I guess when she is upset. So it frizzes out all of the place, just reinforcing their opinion of her. She does every thing possible to get their attention but they won't give it to her. I watch their body language. It's like "Oh ick, don't touch me with that, cringe cringe". Even in the most subtle ways that is what they are saying and I am going to lose it.
Is everyone feeding off of me. Or am I reacting to them. I started out great with an open mind but it vanished quickly. Since the moment of their arrival my husband and I who NEVER fight, sometimes we have little correction nips, but otherwise, peace and tranquility. Yesterday, we could barely look at each other. I was so mad at him, he slept on the couch. He has NEVER slept on the couch. We've been together for 5 years. This is a bad sign.
I am concerned about my step daughter too because she is gaining so much weight. I see that as a cry for help, or at least a protection mechanism. I've been putting on weight too, and I know exactly why I'm doing it. I've had two miscarriages in the last 6 months, and I'm stressed out, hormonal and not coping well with all of life's challenges these days. She is obviously not doing well either. I wonder if I addressed this with her, if that would bring us closer by talking about what is bothering us. Maybe that would break through the wall between us. Hum. or would it backfire.
They are all gone now and my daughter is sleeping. I think I will try very hard to keep my child away from here for awhile until we can figure this out. I can't have her feeling that way.
Thanks for listening/reading. I actually feel a lot better. I told my mother in law today about this site and how much it was helping me. I told her it was like writing in a diary, that talks back. Thank you dear friends out there.
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Kathleen...
I have to deal with this to a lesser degree every now and then between our son and daughter and they are not stepsibs. Our son is nine and our daughter is four. The age difference causes a lot of problems, because the little one does get sticky, messy, dirty, grubby, etc. and the older one, of course, doesn't. He doesn't think it's "cool" to be nice to his baby sister. The boy doesn't like to get dirty, but the girl is only happy when she's wallowing in mud. Mud pies are her favorite thing, especially if she can find some good worms to go in them. The boy is always picking on her... for not pronouncing words correctly, for not understanding what people are saying to her, for not paying attention, for being messy, for getting in his way, etc. For being LITTLE. He can be a real shitass when it comes to his sister, I'm sorry to say. But when he does act like that, there are no warnings. It's automatic restriction and if he's being an extreme jerk, I'll give him a taste of his own medicine... BS9, you don't have to share your toys with your sister if you don't want to, but just remember that I don't have to share my stuff - computer/telephone/TV - with you. That usually does the trick, but I still have to remind them both that we are all a FAMILY and we don't treat each other that way. We don't treat ANYONE that way. But yeah, being intentionally mean to another person is grounds for automatic punishment. I don't even do warnings for that. One time I got my son back really good for doing the "ick, don't touch me" thing to his sister. When he went to hug me goodnight, I screamed, "Ick! Don't touch me!" I was super melodramatic and he got the point. Kids can be mean, even when they are full siblings.
~ Anne ~
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Hi Anne, I wanted to share
Hi Anne, I wanted to share with you that I addressed my SD today about an issue that was pissing me off. I did it like a teammate calling out the other. She responded pretty well. Which opened some other topics of conversation and we actually had a few laughs.
I also heard what you said about kids being kids etc. I think I need to try that on for size the next time they are pushing her away. That was my original concern, that I become mama bear and separate the two instead of treating my stepkids like my own and draw the line the way you described. Thanks for pointing that out. You may need to do it again.
Bye for now
I have half step kids so...
My oldest SS14 is the half brother to SD13 and SS8 and he kinda acts the same way with the younger two. He acts like they are dumb, even calling them that all the time, he acts better than them, he treats them like dirt. But he has another half brother (with his mom) who is 6 and holds him on this pedestal that's insane! I don't get it and it makes me very angry that he treats them like that. And, smart me, actually is having a baby with the father of these three. SO I'm introducing ANOTHER half sibling into the mix. I can already see the jealousy and resentment and the baby isn't even hear yet. As far as I'm concerned, I don't allow name calling and basically have told them if they can't get along and be nice to each other then they need to just not even be around each other. Which, they do, but now I feel like we dont' have a gelled family. It's really hard, I do remind them all teh time we are a family, but the older two kinda just roll their eyes and realize that it's just a sham.
I would advice to keep your BD healthy and happy w/o pushing your step kids away. You can try talking to your SD about her weight, as I have with mine, but she just goes to her grandma and does whatever she wants anyway.
I should probably not be advicing right now I'm 8 months pregnant and completely irritable, but I feel your pain and when my brain comes back into my body I'll try again
Stepkids...good luck! I
Stepkids...good luck! I have three of them. I have treated them like royalty and I NEVER interfere in anything they do wrong. Nothing! It's not my place. They have two living birthparents that are responsible for setting their rules. They do not have my value system and therefore my opinions will only cause more problems. I can only be responsible for how I raise my own kids. My stepkids have dual personalities. I believe they are guarded because they have separate loyalties to both parents. I will not try to figure out why they play both parents. I did in the beginning but after knowing their personalties and what they value, it is clear that we are not on the same page. I am not responsible for the reason their mother left their father. I have almost no interaction with their mother, nor do I want it. I have never said one bad thing about their mother to them either. From their perspective, they assume I think their mother is a great person. I will not go there with what I really think and I keep a tight drum. X's can be toxic anyway and I don't need to add anymore negativity to the situation. How they turn out will be a product of their own parents. I will do my best to set a loving example but I won't be pulled into their traps. It's a battle for any step parent. You internalize so much and you must always keep a smiling happy face. No, they can't see through it if you really try. I love my husband and feel it is in the best interest of all our kids, that I stay out of his personal dealings with them. I don't like it when he well meaning advises me on my kids sometimes, so why would he want me to do the same. These are delicate matters and sometimes the less we intrude, the better off we are. Stepkids will usually turn on you if given the oppotunity so beware. If you are fortunate enough to meet them as babies and have custody, then you have a fighting chance. If there is an ex in the wings and you have them every other whatever, then forget it! Don't knock the x to much to your spouse either as she is the mother of his children! Be kind and have NO expectations but don't go out on a limb either, as it will bite you in the A.