Ladies I need your advice/support today
Hi, Tonight my SK's are coming for the weekend. I haven't seen them in a month or so and I'm really nervous about them coming.
In short, they are good kids but have become a little confused, with mixed messages about life. (we all know about that one) My SS didn't do well when my daughter, now 2 was born. He said he didn't like babies but I think he was afraid of losing his dad. Anyway, we gave him space.
When my daughter started to crawl, he would jump up on furniture to get away from her. Matters began to get worse and my SD said, in family counseling, that she had to take sides and she picked her brothers side. So she began to run interference between my daughter and SS. Things began to get kind of ugly and I became a furious over protective mama bear.
The divide between families became greater, and when I asked BM for help, she said her children are perfect and this is my problem. SO, I am struggling with loving or even liking these kids and resent when they come over. Our world turns upside down. I have to watch my daughter like a hawk and can barely take time to stir a pot on the stove for fear she will go near them and a big scene will occur.
I've asked my husband to be on point and teach those kids acceptable behavior in this home but they are almost 11/13 and have pretty strong wills at this point. It's especially hard because my daughter is used to a lot of love and affection from her Dad and me. When the SK's are here all attention is on them, either to run interference or simply keep them away and of course to try to make them feel special too. Needless to say my daughter doesn't understand and gets very difficult herself. In addition the SK's now believe that we are weird, I'm a bad mother and my child is disturbed. I've been told this point blank.
I've felt a lot of sadness reading other peoples comments on this site and it has made me think a lot about how I am as a step parent. I married a man with children and I need to treat them all the same so I'm trying really hard to be open and loving. Not angry and on attack towards the SS but instead nurturing and helping them to develop into healthy human beings.
But tonight they are coming. I know they will probably go to their rooms and hide, but that isn't good for anyone. I emailed my SD the other day stating that I was looking forward to seeing her. (not really but it was my attempt at faking it until I actually felt it. Good advice from Anne) So please tell me any thoughts, advice, experience that will help me through this weekend. Normally I am filled with anger and aggression by the time they leave and I'm sure everyone knows it. Please help me.
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I'm running out the door
I am anxious to hear anything you guys have to say. All advice about my new blog entry is welcomed. I'll be back from a run shortly, so I'll check it out then. Thank you thank you thank you so much.
I would struggle...
if skids weren't treating my kids well. I agree with the other posts, this mistreatment is probably stemming from nothing other than good ol' fashioned jealousy. So am I right that your daughter is their half sister? They're the weird ones if they don't want to hang out with their sister.
You need to do "family" activities that include everyone along with the activities that only include DH and kids with and without your daughter. Make them feel special. When my stepdaughters are getting on my nerves, I always tell DH to go so something fun with them and get that special daddy time.
"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."
half sibling
Yes, My daughter would be a half sibling. They have the same dad. According to them though, they are more like their mom so she isn't really a sister.
No wonder...
you are having trouble opening your heart to them. How hurtful for your bio-daughter! It sounds like you are doing everything to make things right and they aren't trying at all. Sad when the BM screws that all up.
"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."
Oh sweetie...
I'm so sorry Kathleen- it's so frustrating to have your world turned upside down and be anxious about what might happen in your own home. (as I write this, I'm ending a very peaceful week with my 2 BDs and the 2 SDs are coming home tonight for 7 days and am personally ramping up for all that means)
In terms of shutting themselves in their room tonight, I think that's a good sign. We all go through various degrees of "transition" at our house- removal to a private place to readjust for a few hours or a day is probably a good sign. Or at least it's preferable to dramatics, arguments or power struggles that happen more when they aren't transitioning more peacefully.
You also need to talk to your husband about what is and isn't OK in terms of behavior and how siblings treat eachother, no matter how they are related or how old they are. They are his kids and I know how sensitive it can be to bring up the subject but as parents, you both set the rules about what is and isn't OK and he should be backing you up 100%. You cannot do this by yourself.
Lastly, don't beat yourself up about faking your joy to see them or not loving them the same way you do your kid. That's one of many things this site has taught me. SK are just different- both in the way they treat you and how we respond to them. It's just different. Its like how you deal with your own family versus inlaws- your family is just as strange/disfunctional/odd as your inlaws but you're more used to your family's strangeness and have come to acceptance about it. (at least that's been true in my life and 2 sets of inlaws compared to my own odd family)
Give yourself and the kids space AND encourage your DH to just spend time with his kids- take them on an outing. Then they get Dad to themselves and you and your daughter get a break.
Hang in there- this too shall pass.
Not exactly in your situation
BUT, several times there have been instances where FSD has really acted like a little b*tch - not her normal self. It occurred to us that the times when she acted like that, she was feeling less loved by her dad. She is a terrible daddy's girl and when I first came on the scene it was almost disgusting how much he catered to her, even over his son. The biggest "breakthrough" we had was when she just became so sassy and rude one day that he and I were having a particularly happy, flirty, touchy feely morning (nothing sexual - lots of hugs and kisses) We were in the kitchen making breakfast together and she hovered around trying to interrupt everything we were saying to each other in a baby voice. FH fussed at her for using the baby voice and it finally occurred to me to ask her in a concerned way, why she was acting like a baby. She immediately started crying and said she didn't know, so we talked about how babies are cute and helpless and they need lots of attention and love. I gave her a big hug as did her dad and then we talked about appropriate ways to get attention and affection. Her dad also explained that while he loves me, he also loves her just as much. It was so enlightening to see her finally understand that she and I could both share his love in different ways. She is 8 almost 9.
I wonder if stepping back and having a loving conversation with BOTH of you present (and perhaps the toddler at a babysitter) could make a difference in the skids attitude? I think the key is having their dad talk to them and explain that dads love all their kids the same even if he doesn't love their moms the same. I was amazed at how his simple explanation has made such a difference for us. It also helps the kids to feel less guilty for liking or loving you.
Just throwing out ideas, but based on your info above it just sounds like they are mostly jealous and don't understand how they are supposed to still get attention when there is a cute cuddly helpless baby around (even if the baby is already 2) I suspect that if they are anything like my fskids they are masters at reading body language and tension. I also suspect they feel it the moment they walk in the door.
Is there any way you can take a hot bath or do something that puts you at peace or relaxes you just before they get there?
new baby
Bringing in a new baby is difficult for the "prior" children. I think that women should beware of this, it makes life so difficult for everyone. Good luck
thanks and no thanks
I understand that having a new baby join the family can be difficult for the first kids. But with all due respect. My husband is the one who divorced not me. I was and am willing to be kind and loving to them but I also have a right and a choice to have a child of my own. Having difficulties does not mean I am not aware or considerate of the impact it has on the kids. If my husband were still married to his ex, and they decided to have another baby things would be the same. One more kid. That is the way I see it but that is not the way it has been. I blame my husband and his ex for the lack of parenting to help these kids adjust. It was not nor is not my job even though I've taken on the brunt of the responsibility.
As far as talking with the kids. I think I talk to them more than my husband does. I also started family therapy with them. It's a good place for them to feel safe and share their feelings and also a place for my husband to tell them how important they are. By the way, we don't include my child when we go. Also, this summer my husband took separate vacations with each of his first kids so that they would feel special. I think we are just trying too hard and spending money we don't have. In therapy my step daughter told me she could hurt my daughter more than us because she is innocent and asked how far she could take it before she would go to juvenile hall. At that point it wasn't about how to help the skids but how do I protect mine.
So thank you for the kind remarks and to anonymous who made the point that "women should beware of this" bringing in a child. I don't appreciate your opinion at all. I'm here looking for support during a very difficult time. None of us can fully understand what it will be like once they marry and move forward in their life. I had an open mind and thought everything was great. I always wanted a large family, but starting so late prevented that. So when I heard he had kids I was elated. You sound like their mom. She told me I had no business having a baby. I think that choice is between my husband and me. Not the ex and not the "prior kids" as you put it. I came to this site looking for ways to be a better step parent, and ways to take care of myself and them at the same time. So I really do appreciate comments that explore ways to make things better or at least a warm expression of understanding.
Hey Kathleen
don't worry about anonymous posts, often they are bm's lurking on our site working on sabotaging our supportive efforts for one another. Bottome line, another baby is more work. If we want to talk about making things difficult for everyone, let's bring up discussions about irrational bm's and their ability to make life difficult on everyone b/c they are always a victim of circumstance.
Anyhow, I'm like you, I do have a child with my husband, who has a "prior" child, he is soon to be 14, and luckily, he is very sweet to my son. He isn't so sweet to me or his father, and we have decided that since we cannot work with his mother, we are not going to continue pursuing the path of visitations, etc...bm makes everything around her so amazingly DIFFICULT, and quite frankly, we are burned out of her trainwrecks, and we are focusing our lives on moving forward. Hopefully, one day ss will read the handwriting on the wall and decide to see his dad on his own, but until then, we live our lives, pay cs, and medical insurance, and she lives her miserable life dragging her kids through the pure hell she calls life.
I'm not sure I have advice for you, you have a tough situation. It seems that your dh doesn't want to "see" his kids misbehavior as something that can be corrected. I use to get that a lot with my dh. Have you thought about keeping you and your daughter so busy when they come over, that you and your daughter can be absent most of their visit? I know this might sound crazy to some people, but this is what I have discovered with my dh. He likes to hear want he wants to hear, and he doesn't want to be nagged by his wife about his ill mannered son, and pretty much, he isn't going to do a whole lot about his son's mouth or attitude (there have been a couple of occassions, but for the most part I always got "he's a kid.."). You are probably so frustrated, not by the kids' behaviors, but by the response you are getting from your dh, or rather the lack of response.
If I were in a situation where my ss were coming over, and as he did before, contaminate our entire house with his potty attitude, and if he began treating my son with the same level of disrespect as he treated me, my father, and my dh, I would start to create a schedule for myself so that on the weekends my ss was over, my son and I would barely be home. You can't change what your dh is doing, but you can change what you are doing.
I know it sounds like a lot of work for you, but, their disrespect is putting a strain on your marriage and your child. Their parents are responsible for their attitudes, and to do nothing is being lazy. You never know, when you find fun stuff for you and your daughter, you skids might discover how much fun you are and then beg to leave with you....
Good luck,
Candice
Perhaps anonymous
is, indeed, their mother? A comment best left ignored. Protect your child at all costs. You have gone above and beyond in this situation.
"Prior" children (and it sounds as if the writer is implying they're first, and, therefore, somehow more important?!) simply have to adjust, as you pointed out, as any other sibling would. Oh, and to anonymous: Last time I checked, it takes two to bring a child into the world ...
Anonymous...
Sometimes should remain that way. "Prior" children...so because older siblings are jealous, we don't have more children? That's just silly.
We hear this all the time from BM
that hubby's children are the only important ones and should be the only concern in hubby's life. He has made it very clear to BM that my children play a very important part in everyone's life as well, because we are all family whether she likes it or not. BM always tells the boys though that their father cares more for children that aren't his....that is why I am certain the ss's are so messed up.
I feel for you because you can continue to make all the efforts you want, but if have a BM like that who is not willing to work along with you's to get the kids to adjust and accept their other sibling, it won't matter what you do. It won't change until they are older, maybe adults and realize it themselves. Sorry I can't be more encouraging or comforting, but I have tried everything possible to get my ss's to be included in our life and all we get is....CRAP each and everytime they come here.
This weekend, they or maybe I should say BM has decided that they don't want to come. Normally we enforce it by saying she can be held in contempt, after all the crap we had to deal with this week, we said fine, stay home with BM. We need a break from the continuous nonsense from her and their visits. Don't get me wrong, I love my ss's, but when you start feeling on guard or dreading the time they come, something has to change....and its not just me who feels this way, hubby and my girls have come to dread it as well. (you can go back and read my posts to get a clearer idea of what I mean)
Good Luck and hope your weekend is managable...I will be thinking of you.
Corie
Kathleen, I completely agree with you
I have two bio kids and two skids. I get defensive of the way the skids treat my kids and I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to have a bio kid that would their half sibling. I agree 100% that the choice to have kids with your DH is between only you and your DH - it does affect the skids but they are kids and this is an adult decision. I admire your courage and your positive attitude. I have to remind myself to be positive all of time. Your on the right track and seem to have everyone's best interest at heart!