I'm done!
I’m writing this here because I guess I don’t know where else to go. I’m tired of fighting with DH over BM and SS. I don’t know what to do anymore other than distance myself from the situation. I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t. Certainly I will take care of and love SS the same as I always have, but … I can’t discuss situations with DH anymore, or SS’ care (unless it really is detrimental) … I can’t fight with DH anymore about things … I’m just going to let things happen and roll with the flow. If he has a concern he can come to me. I’m not going to have very much to do with anything about raising SS … I will love him and care for him as I always have, and he will not know that anything has changed. I will be there for all school functions, teacher meetings, etc., but when it comes to things I see or have issues with, I think I’m just going to start my own journal (I’ve tried that so many time) and keep track of things there, so it can’t be brought back on me that I didn’t do anything.
I think part of this is me … most of it is DH, but part of it is me. Just because SHE doesn’t meet my standards for raising a child doesn’t mean I have to cram mine down her throat. When SS is with us he will have the same expectations and rules as always. I will treat him no different, but I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT BM WITH DH unless he brings her up. I WILL NOT BRING UP ANY CONCERNS THAT I HAVE (unless it is truly detrimental to SS health). I need to be strong and stick to this resolve.
My goal in life right now is to take care of me … work on my new career … make sure I’m happy and that I have a means to provide for myself if anything was ever to happen to my marriage. I might write more later with details, but suffice it to say … I wanted to leave DH and HIS dog on the side of the road today! My drive to help DH deal with the BM situation has been crushed, and, right now, I could care less. I’m so crushed, angry, and hurt right now that I’m actually sick to my stomach … this doesn’t happen to me.
Irony is … we had a nice evening … after the hour long fight, in the car, driving up to the mountains, for a relaxing afternoon. HA, what a joke!!! It was relaxing, but not until HE stopped harping on me … so, fine … I’m done!
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Comments
Break on through to the other side!
THIS is what I mean when I say DETACH! I found myself in the same place where you are now and, once I decided to embrace it, my life got a whole lot better. You can put on your SM hat when he's with you, take it off when he goes back to his mother. I tried and tried and tried to help my husband until it got to the point that I was the one doing all the parenting and he was only interested when we actually had the kids with us. That's so wrong! I still document, I still make notes of things and I offer to help if/when I see him struggling, but I stopped making it my responsibility a long time ago. We have lots of other stuff to fight about, other than BM!
You're right... the BM is the mother and if the DH doesn't like what kind of mother she is, then he shouldn't have reproduced with her.
We can love the kids without assuming responsibility that, frankly, isn't ours to assume.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I think you are living my life
I too have found myself in the same situation as you. I think BM is a bad mother so I'm trying to cram MY mothering down SD's throat. I've got to stop and "detach". I love that word and that theory! I tried it last night and you know what?? It was GREAT! I can't wait for the weekend so I can use it again. The harder we push the furhter we drive them away. That was a hard realization to come to but it came nonetheless. I will continue to take care of SD by feeding her clothing her and making sure she's clean but as far as ANY discipline...that's up to DH ESPECIALLY when it comes to BM. I was also upset to the point of throwing up yesterday...that's a TERRIBLE feelig to have and I'm sorry you were going through it as well. HUGS and I hope things get better for you.
Me too ... I had to take a
Me too ... I had to take a TUMS last night to settle my stomach. I will still discipline SS because I belive if we don't discipline them while they are in our homes, then they will just take advantage of us. SS is unique, and he takes a bit more of a controling hand with things, otherwise he pushes the envelope, BIG TIME!!
Anne, I knew what everyone meant by detaching, but I guess I didn't want to do it, or admit that it needed to be done.
Hopefully, for Tired2 and me, it will work ... good luck Tired, keep me posted!
~ Katrina
This is the best I have ever
This is the best I have ever been at keeping a journal of any kind (here) ... I do it on the computer, not on paper. Password protected. I don't think I'd feel comfortable putting my feelings out there on Blogger!! It was hard enough for me to post the "reality" here ... everything is GREAT, except for that one part. So, for me to admit everything here was a HUGE step for me.
~ Katrina
DETACHMENT WORKS
hi all..i am new to this site..and i haven't really posted much ...but i continue to read and find such encouragement that i am not alone in this...as for the topic of detachment..ra ra ra..this is the best way i have found to deal with my two year old ss who lives with his psycho (proven bipolar, multiple suicide attempts) biomom.
I have been with my ss since birth and love him soo much..almost too much i think. there are times where both my husband (his dad) and i will just sit and cry when he leaves after a weekend. Our house feels so big and empty without him there...we also are in the middle of a hell of a custody case..which makes matters worse...
so, yeah..in short i found detaching from the whole drama of it all much better. i love him with all my heart but im not going to let it rule my life anymore Instead im going to concentrate on starting a family all of my own..(lying with my legs up in the air after sex is really not fun..) but ultimately worth it.Heres to us ladies..cause lets face it..it takes a hell of a strong person to do and take on what we are doing!Lets not forget about ourselves!be kind to yourself..take long bubble baths..sipping a good glass of red wine..pamper yourself!
I am.
xxxstay strongxxxx
Can you really do it?
You and I are so much alike. I am also at that point now. I am not detaching from SD in anyway. I have accepted her totally, but after what DH did the other night I have only said maybe a dozen words. I feel completely distanced from him, taking a hard look at my life and where I need to go at this point. I am so numb at the entire baby mama situation. I am just wondering if you and I both will be able to maintain the distance. I mean we are both very control oriented. We both feel the need to take charge and "fix" things. I am so sorry that DH pulled his crap. Maybe it is the stars for our otherwise good husbands to turn to crap. You would think they would be grateful that they have wives who are willing to step up and love their children and fight their battles. But NO, they want to get pissed at us. Maybe being forced to handle their own issues will give them a reality check. Who knows. Just remember how much you love SD and that is apparent. Don't make the mistake that I did and transfer my anomosity towards DH onto the child.
Hey, it's Friday. Let's have a "cyber drink" together!!!!
That's the one thing I'm
That's the one thing I'm worried about that I will treat SS differently ... hopefully not. I have some time to adjust as we don't have him until next weekend. If I find that I am treating him differently, I will certainly go and take some time for myself.
Quick update: I shared my resolve with DH yesterday and he seemed to be supportive. He said the reason he got pissy every other time I said I was going to "detach" was because I never explained it to him. This time I did. So, okay! Hopefully it will work.
I don't know if I will be able to maintain anything, but I will certainly try.
~ Katrina
Cyber Drink!!
Sorry Crazy, I wasn't around last night ... after I took my first listing yesterday I went and got the Treo 700p cell phone ... I love it.
~ Katrina