"never hate your enemy, it clouds your judgement."
I thought this was a very wise statement! Sorry I couldn't come up with better but I've been trying to use it in my own battles

I read what fearless said and maybe she is a better person than me. I hold grudgs against people big time. Especially to the whore which I refer to the X as. I hate her and to this day I still hate her but I had to realize a few things about her. I am married to the man she had a child with. I get to raise her son every other week. I live in her dream home and I have the life, friends, social recognition that she gave up because she wasn't faithful. Do I have sympathy for her....hell no. How was I able to look at her and not slap the everliving crap out of her...I just got over it and looked at what her pathetic life is. My Mom showed up for a grandparents day at SS school. Whore was there with her parents. My Mom came back to me and said the one thing she noticed about her was how immature she is. At 34 this woman is so childish and immature and I never really paid attention. Now I see it plain as day. She crys all the time...she sits and hums to herself...she has no idea what is going on in SS life....and I don't think she has ever cooked a meal....godforbid if McDonalds closed. I now take that piece of info and just keep reminding myself that. I am now pregnant and love to flaunt my belly around her. I love having people come up to me in her presence and tell me how good I look...or what are you having....or comment to the SS that he will have a little sister.....yes her life is hell.....and she crys when all this happens.

Bottom line...just be civil in public and NO you do not have to be here friend she doesn't want to be yours and I truly believe it does not make a bit of difference if you are all friend to any step-children I actually believe it is more confussing to a child just be civil and continue to vent in other places If husband says comments about her that upset you then tell him and tell him not to bring her up around you

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know that message wasn't for me, but I took it to heart.

Good luck to you bonusmom. You aren't alone.

Thank you!

Fearless gives really good advice and I know from following her posts, she has had a really hard time learning how to handle the BM. Take it from us, it will get better! You just have to learn to let go. I'm sure you have had past men in your life and your DH doesn't obsess over them, does he? Just think of it like that!

The BM is never going to go away - we don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. Either you are going to let this eat at you and eat at you until you can't handle it anymore and give up, or you can just grin and bear it and realize you have the prize! I have just recently "buried the hatchet" with BM and honestly, it feels really good. When she calls DH now, I don't get all this anger inside of me. When I have seen her in public, it's actually been nice and I don't leave all pissed with my day ruined. If you can ever get over this anger or hatred you have, you'll be amazed at how much lighter your shoulders will feel, trust me!

I just don't care anymore! Honestly! I didn't make a decision, I didn't do any soul-searching, I haven't gone round and round with my husband about it, I didn't spend a fortune in therapy, I haven't done a damned thing except to finally, with time, come to a few pertinent realizations. Here they are:

1) She will never like, accept or respect me and that's okay.
2) I will never like, accept or respect her and that's okay.
3) Hating her takes up way too much energy that would be better spent on loving my family and doing fun stuff.
4) My skids didn't choose their mother and her actions are not their fault. She's also not my husband's fault, as she wasn't this horrible a person when he first married her. It takes a lot of time to grow that ugly.
5) I don't have to have a thing to do with her if I don't choose to... I can choose how much or how little contact I have with her. She's simply not my problem. I don't have to fulfill her need for drama. I don't have to respond to her at all.

I don't have to deal with her often, but when I do I am civil and if there's a disagreement, I leave it at, "Well, I'm sorry we can't see eye-to-eye on this issue." I don't know how you let go, I just know that once I did, I became a happier, lighter person.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

she get's to control your life. If all she has to do is say something and you let it bother you so bad that it ruins your day, well honey you are opening the floods gates to her torment b/c godforbid that woman allows her ex bf/dh enjoy his new life. Vindictive people find ways to hurt others, and if she can hurt her ex by tormenting you, you are signing yourself up for a miserable life.

Now, I say this b/c I have lived this. I'm not perfect, and yes, there have been days that my dh's ex gf/whore, has pist me off or ruined my day. But that no longer happens, whenever she does something or speaks to us in her rude tone of voice, I let it be water on a ducks back.

How do you do that? You learn to take control of your anger and stop letting your anger control you. You just wake up one day tired of being pist off, and realize that you have better things to do with your time than to spend it thinking over these worthless women. They are not deserving of your time and thoughts, your dh and children are. When you are focused on hating bm, you can't even begin to enjoy the moment you have with your husband.

I'm taking a stress management class right now, and it really works. There is a website called mindtools, and there are suggestions on how to manage your feelings and control your stress. A lot of what us 2nds are going through are bruises on our egos. We get angry b/c someone is trying to hurt the man we cherish. Guess what? Vindictive people don't care about your feelings. You have got to learn to toughen up your skin, and not let her bother you. If you don't, you are going to maintain a life full of bitterness. Lastly, sometimes we are angry b/c we feel victimized by our dh's ex's. Yes, they do perform some scandalous shit sometimes, but if you think of yourself as a victim b/c of the legal system or how bm's torment you and get away with it, you stay focused on your anger instead of managing the stress. Just get over it, and move on.

Yoga is a great stress reliever, and so are hobbies. If you can't stop thinking about her and the crazy things she does, go workout, go for a long walk, go find a quiet place and learn to think about good/positive things in your life.

Good luck,
Candice

P.S. By actually "hating" someone, you are creating a huge amount of stress that truly takes a physiological toll on your body, i.e. it can make you fat. So remember, when you are stressing yourself out over a worthless woman, you could be making yourself gain weight! And who wants that?!

I SO KNOW how you feel. A BIG part of my problem, though, was that STBX never talked to me about BM when I tried to bring her up. I desperately wanted to communicate my feelings about her and how her actions were affecting me, and he never allowed me that. He never acknowledged that I might be hurting and that all of the bullshit she put us through was upsetting to me. He is MUCH more able to put things aside and let them roll off of his back than I am. I too have a big problem with anger and having been aware of it for a while, I really need to work things out in my head or out loud in order to dissipate the feelings of overwhelming stress and anger. My "partner" felt that this was me being weak. He never went to bat for me or made me feel like I was not alone. I don't know about your situation, but how does DH handle her? Have you spoken to him about YOUR feelings?

This woman gave birth to the child of the man you love. She was "there first". She controls much of how your life functions if she decides to screw around with the schedule or file for more support. Yes, she does have some power. BUT one thing she can NEVER control is YOUR feelings. DO NOT let what she represents to you turn you ugly on the inside. If you are happy, those other things that she can do to "get you" don't matter.

I read a book recently that talked about emotions and anger...and how a healthy reaction to an agner situation follows the A-B-C method. A="bad" thing happens B=sit back and think about the best way to react and how you can most successfully deal C=react. Unfortunately, most people go from A right to C and the floodgates open. I am a TOTAL believer in this, which is why I try to work things out through talking or writing or analyzing so that I don't end up making a rash choice. I cannot tell you how many times BB has done something shitty and i flew into a rage, only to find that an hour later I couldn't understand why I was so upset. Well, it was because I reacted before I sat and thought. This really helped me deal with BB (and other issues in my life).

Even though we are divorcing, and even though I have learned how to deal with her, I still have the "ick" feeling when I see her sometimes. But, hey, I am not letting it ruin my day anymore, so for me that is progress. I will always dislike her and what she represented for me, but I will never again allow her to control me or my life.

Good luck!!!'
Krissy

I couldn't have said it better myself! I don't think there is anything more to add!! However I will reiterate the fact that the only way she will get to you is if you allow her to... It takes so many mistakes, time, learning and growing.... but everytime that she starts bothering you try to remind yourself that SHE has no idea that you are even thinking about her and hating her....you are not affecting her one bit.... the only one you are hurting is yourself.