Why Me!!!!
Why is it that Me as the SM is treated like s!@# when all I do for them is for there own good? Well my issue today is that my SKS act like they want to have nothng to do with my husand and I. My SD was caught stealing at the mall and skipping school. She was grounded at our house but as soon as she went to BM house she was free to do whatever she wanted. So for the last month or so they have limited there time with us. It really upsets me that we seem to be the bad guys, we provide a good home, stability, love and they have everything they need. And the mom that really doesnt do for the kids is there world. I really hate that this bothers me but I cant help it.
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2 sepreate houses-2 seperate rules
I have a similar situation with the SKS & their BM. The ex lets the kids have the run of the house with no rules, bed times, etc.
However~ this last year when we were fighting the ex for custody~ we won...both the kids WANTED to come live with us...so if it's any help to know that in time...kids realize they need structure etc. We still battle the ex when she takes the kids on her visitation weekend~ but we stay true to us & our rules & believe it or not, we are winning!!!!
Hang in there.
One thing...
Sometimes, because there is the lack of attention at the other house, the kids will gravitate to that parent, putting them on a pedestal. They idolize the 'lacking' parent so that they can gain their attention. And being that your home is stable, they may be seeking their mother's approval and attention by gravitating to her. It's not always the case, but it does sound like there might be a little of this going on here. Eventually, the glamor will wear off, but they may still continue to pull on mom's strings to get her attention.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I would like to add
I would like to add to step moms post, sometimes kids think that no rules is really cool, and sometimes when you are doing more for them than there own mother, it tends to piss them off. Not that you are doing a bad thing, but by being stable you are shining the light on bm's deficiencies, and they are seeing that. They probably wish that their mother acted more like you than how she really does act. Also, kids do sometimes feel disloyal to their mothers for even liking their sm's. If bm's would just not coach their kids to be rude and disrespectful, things would be a lot better!
I would set boundaries and not do so much for them if they are behaving rude. Let them experience life without your "favors" until they can behave themselves.
Good luck,
Candice
My situation was the same
When I got married 10 years ago, SDs were 11 and 8. DH and I got to see them in the summer and on BM's whim. We had rules at our house and the girls learned to follow them, after a bit of adjustment. At BM's house (she lived 6 hours from us), they basically took care of themselves. Long story short, older SD decided to to live with us, but it only lasted 2 years. When she was 13 she decided that she would rather not live with someone who would hold her accountable. She moved back to her mom's house, ended up pregnant her senior year and was allowed to drop out of school. Her younger sister got pregnant at 16 (twice, actually, she had a miscarriage with the first)and dropped out of school.
The older one is at our house again, and while she and I don't get along, she has told both me and DH that she realizes she made a mistake. She hasn't come right out and said that she left because we had rules and her mom didn't, but she does say that she realizes we only wanted what was best for her and that things would probably be different if she had stayed with us.
In other words, you are doing the right thing. Right now, you feel frustrated and your SK is doing what kids do - staying where they don't get in trouble. Your SKs will come around, I am sure. BUT I would also encourage you to talk to BM and point out that stealing is not just a prank and that there has to be some sort of repercussion or the child is headed for big trouble. Maybe you should find a mediator or talk to your lawyer about a parenting plan?
marika
Exact same situation
SS refused to come to our house 2 weeks ago because he would have been grounded for failing school and lying to his dad about his completion of homework. Instead, he stayed at BM's, went to the school dance and had a friend stay over all weekend.
SOMEDAY, SS will know. Someday, your SD will know. They will know that they didn't receive the needed guidance from their BMs. They will know that BF tried. They will know that we tried.
So true
Just wanted to echo the previous posts. The kids are too young to realize what they have with you. What kid likes rules and accountability? But...when they are older, they will be kissing your feel for all that you've done. I know it's frustrating, but your job is not to make friends with them...it's to support them and raise them to be productive, loving, and responsible adults that will go out into the world and thrive. Parenting is a thankless job...until the kids grow and mature and realize all you gave them...and then it's time to reap the benefits of a job well done!
Hang in there!!!