Is this unreasonable?
Ok, things have been going ok lately, largely because I've been just letting things go and bitting my lip. My DH has been in HK for a week and we've been missing each other a lot.
In the spirit of step-motherhood, i decided that I would pull my weight and pick up SD on the weekend. She didn't want to come on the scheduled time, so I rearranged my schedule to take her Saturday night and Sunday instead. Of course, we went to the beach, park, lunch, etc, etc.
We are due to finally take a honeymoon after nearly a year married. We are leaving on Thursday for a week and DH is due back from HK on Wednesday morning. No doubt he will have dirty washing, etc etc.
When he called me tonight he said "what are you doing Wednesday night?". I'm thinking "mmmm seeing my DH and we are packing and getting excited about our long-awaited holiday..." Then he proceeds to tell me that he's already called his SD and told her he's going over to see her on Wednesday because he hasn't seen her for a while and won't because we are going away, he'll pick her up from school and take her out. SD lives over an hour away so he'll be gone minimum four hours.
Now - I know it's normal for a DH to want to see SD. The part I've got a problem with is two-fold. Firstly, why did he ask me what I was doing if he's already made plans to see DH without consulting me? Secondly, we have had MAJOR hassles regarding unscheduled visits. You see, and many of you might be in the same situation - when an unplanned visit occurs, it casues BM to feel it's open slather to change the plans to suit herself when she wants time for herself. In fact, it's the reason why now we need to go back the the every second weekend arrangement - because the two of the keep changing plans all the time. I know what will happen now. We will go back to the every second weekend instead of one night and a whole day every weekend and that won't be enough so SD will call up crying at BM's encouragement and the mid-week unarranged visits will begin all over again. DH will get $#@ because it's unsustainable and so we go all over again.....
Some of you may disagree, but I like to make plans and for %$#@ sake- why can't people make plans and stick to them?
Honestly, tonight I felt like a doormat - why was I even asked what I was doing when the plans were already made?
Why have visitation orders if they are constantly changed? And there's always going to be an excuse because my DH travels a lot for work.
I feel like I put myself out by taking care of his daughter to give BM and him time to do what they needed too and then it is not enough.
Am i unreasonable? Should I just allow open slather? Or should I say "stick to the arrangements"?
Your advice is appreciated.......
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well....
I would be upset for the fact he did not talk to you first, however you have to understand he might be feeling a little guilty about not seeing his daughter and just think you will have the whole week with him without being interupted and to focus on just you and him!!!! So enjoy
Enjoy your getaway and forget the rest.
You're right, you do have a schedule for a reason and it's important for everyone's sake to stick to it as much as possible. He also should have mentioned this to you first, but all in all, it's not that big a deal. It's not like he agreed to take her for six months full-time without consulting you, it was just a short visit after missing out on some time with her. A schedule is great and very necessary, but sometimes, well, life intervenes and you can either face it with some grace and flexibility or anger, whichever you think will get you what you want.
I think if it's an isolated incident, then you should let it go. If it's a pattern of behavior that's problematic, then you definitely have to address it with him. Either way, don't let it ruin your honeymoon. Go, have fun, enjoy and de-stress!
I wouldn't see it as a big deal, but I'm not you and our situations are vastly different. We're on the other end of the spectrum, begging for every second we can get, whether it's scheduled or unscheduled, planned or unplanned. So for me, I'd welcome the unexpected extra time with the skids, but again, our situations are very different.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thanks but this happens all the time
and I have DH complaining that BM wants to change the plans all the time. I agree, with two "normal" people - no big deal about having flexibility. But I looked after SD on the weekend to give BM a break and to fulfil his obligations because he was so adamant that we couldn't and shouldn't change the plans because it opens a Pandora's Box.
My point is - he comes to me upset and angry when BM wants to call him to change the plans and SD when she rings up crying and wants to see DH on an unscheduled visit - but then he makes it that way by not managing people's expectations.
It just seems to me that me continuing the schedule when DH is away and then he just breaks it again when we are back is an upside for everyone but me.
DH is going to be travelling a lot for work this year - are we going to change the plans every time? He hasn't seen SD for a week - wooooopppee - my ex hasn't seen his daughter in months. DH needs to stop the perpetual guilt trip.
Well, that's just crazy.
Well, that's just crazy. Every now and then is one thing, but making a habit of it is a little ridiculous. So you're saying that he's making rules about sticking to the program, then he's the one who caves whenever something comes up to alter the program? And YOU are the one who gets pooped on?! Nope, that's definitely not fair.
I think it's absolutely terrific of you to have filled in for him, but if he's going to be doing a lot of traveling, is he expecting you to do this every time for the sake of the schedule? I don't see that working. That doesn't seem very fair to you. Does he know well enough in advance of his work trips to be able to plan ahead? Can his plan is work around visitation or will he try planning his vistation around work?
One thing we used to do with the skids' mom when we lived closer was plan month-to-month instead of assuming every other weekend for the entire year. We counted up how many weekends we would get in the year, but we wouldn't necessarily take the visits EOW. We might do two weekends in a row, once a month, maybe skip a month but three weekends the following month... whatever they could work out that fit with their work schedules. They would just figure it out a month or so ahead, which gave everyone enough time to plan, even though it wasn't exactly a strict schedule. I don't know if something like that would work for you, but I don't think ANY thing is going to work, unless he can commit to it 100%.
How are things going between you and your SD? Any better? My oldest SD and I always got along fine when it was just the two of us, but I always felt like there was tension when her dad was with us. I don't know if there was some kind of competitive thing going on or what and it did eventually go away. I was just wondering after you mentioned that you'd had her while he was away if it was better without him around.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
The arrangements you have when you don't have arrangements
I find that things are more fair when DH isn't around.
But get this for a laugh.....DH is now not speaking to me over the issue!!!!! What a lovely start to the "honeymoon".
I am at a loss to see how chopping and changing the plans every week assist SD in ANY way. There is no consistency and it totally sends the wrong message that her father is still fully connected to her existing family in a way that is as though he is still living there. By that I mean that he is at the beck and call of both BM and SD when they so desire and that is clearly the signal he sends by his actions.
You know - it's true what I originally thought - my position, as you all know was not to get involved and to force DH to take responsibility for all SD's visits. I feel now that my efforts to have SD while DH was away was a pointless exercise. I did it because DH expressed to me that under no circumstances should we change the plans. Then he goes and makes other arrangements.
I've HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would be pissed too!
Dh should have consulted you first and not told you of the plans by asking what you are doing and throw it at you like that. My DH and I discuss everything before we ask anyone, anything. He done the wrong thing and now he is shunting you because of it. But men do that when they know they are wrong, they will do anything they can to try to prove that some part of what they done was right! Men can't live with em', can't live with em!! LOL.
Sorry seriously, it is a bad situation for you because now you are going away and there are going to be issues for at least the first day or 2 and cancelling would mean lost money and possibly no chance to reschedule for quite some time. So sit him down and tell him to ignore you if he must, but this is why I am angry and maybe you will let it go for the sake of the honeymoon, but under no circumstances should he do it again or he is on his own where Sd and BM are concerned! Good luck and I hope you can put this behind you for the sake of you honeymoon, just the 2 of you.
Catch xx
DH came around
He called me tonight and admitted that he should have consulted me first. He's now on his way back from HK. The part I feel bad about is that he has given his daughter false expectations that he would see her tomorrow night upon his return. That's wrong. In fact I told him that since he already set the expectation, that he should follow through on it, but he insisted.
With a bit more forethought and discussion, we could have worked something out - but when the plans are made without consultation - we cannot operate as the partnership we need to be. If he comes to me complaining about BM wanting to change the plans and his daughter phoning upset because she hasn't seen him as much as she'd like, I want to be supportive - but if you make a rod for your own back by constantly changing the goal posts by changing the plans, then there is little that can be done.
I did say to him tonight that he can see SD whenever he wants - but PLEASE do not complain to me when they want to change the plans because they think it's acceptable.
To me, it's such a simple solution - work out how much contact you want, reduce it to writing and then stick to it unless there's an emergency. If BM was "normal" there could be some flexibility - but we have tried that and it constantly comes back to bite us every time.
Thanks for all of your comments.
I 100% Agree
If u're not going to consult me then don't expect me to support you, pick up the pieces, or be there. Obviously you don't need me if you didn't consult me! I know that is etreme I am just pointing out the obvious. I know we sometimes tend to go out a a limb and make decisions without our partner or spouse, but you also cannot expect them to be jumping for joy with your decision wen they weren't consulted, glad he came around! See you can teach an old dog new tricks!
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)