As soon as my husband and I got married I vetoed his 5 year old crawling into bed. That is our space, bed, and private time. I don't care if the kid wakes up at 5am and we are in bed until 8am he is not allowed in our room at all.

If I were you I would tell husband it is either her or I and see what happens. If he doesn't like it I would just get up and go to a different room or couch and see how he likes that.

On another note you can always throw this one out there and I am not being unreasonable. A GIRL crawling into bed with Dad can one day turn into a very touchy situation. You do not want SD going back and telling Mom she is in bed with Dad and he allows it. Mom can have a field day with that idea even how innocent as it may sound. It is a can or worms your husband may want to avoid. Snuggling up on the couch is one thing....a bed can be protrayed as sick.

If a child is scared etc....I would allow child in room but with a blanket and pillow on floor.

I guess that just depends on your parenting technique. Nothing wrong with it, and nothing wrong with being against it.

I've never had a problem with the kids climbing in bed with us to "snuggle" first thing in the morning. The younger they are, the more likely they are to want to do it, and most kids grow out of this sooner or later. Six might be young for some, old for others. We have five kids: my son (but my husband adopted him), our daughter, his son and daughter, and his sort-of daughter (he claims her, but is not the bio dad... she was conceived during an adulterous affair his ex-wife had during the marriage). Every single one of these kids - and sometimes all of them at once, and the dog! - have climbed into bed with us in the morning.

The way I look at it, it's maybe five or ten minutes out of my day, it's nice that we're all together and enjoying being together and it's sort of a bonding experience. You know, "family" time. So I don't mind it at all. It's probably a little odd when it's not your own biological child, but I think if you take the "step" out of it, what you have is a little kid wanting to snuggle with her parents in the morning and I don't see anything wrong with that. I think if it's just for a few minutes of quiet time, then it's probably not a big deal. If it makes you uncomfortable to participate, then certainly don't feel like you have to, but I'm not sure giving your boyfriend an ultimatum is the way to go. Maybe you could compromise and have a "five-minute rule" or something, where after five minutes, he gets her up and out of the bedroom to have breakfast or whatever.

This is one of those divisive issues where people either feel strongly for or against letting kids get in bed with you. I really think that the only thing that matters is that, whatever you decide, you handle it in a way that no one feels rejected. But that sort of goes without saying.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Being a bio and step I can certainly say that if the rolls were reversed you would not be feeling this way. And its not wrong. You feel that it should be your very own space with him. But think about how that little girl will feel especially if she has done this for a long time. It will just be her feeling like everything she is used to has to change. ok now think back and think about how you would have felt if that was your mom or dad and he situation was the same?
I guess I am just saying try to put all the shoes on.

I can understand you probably just want something that only you and him share together.

The other thing is be glad that she is willing to climb into bed with you there. It shows she is comfortable with you and her dad.

I am sorry if I offended anyone I am just speaking as a bio and putting myself in the shoes of the child.

Happy

I think it is okay for our kids (mine and his) to come in and cuddle in the morning.. they are well trained though if the door is closed, they are to knock!!!!! That was what we struggled with the most at first because I have GIRLS and the three of us lived alone for sometime before DH and SS moved in... they could come in my room whenever they wanted. It took some getting used to for the kids.
Sleeping on the other hand... I am completely against. My kids never slept in my bed even at infancy... just a personal opinion though. We are all intitled to them!And even with the kids coming in your room in the morings... that is something you and BF HAVE to come to an agreement on, that will make or break a relationship.

Good luck!

I think its a preference different for everyone. My sd's are 3 and 5 and have been with us since 14mos old (the youngest) and they come get into our beds in the morning on the weekend not all the time but occasionally- I dont mind it- they get in the middle ofus and cuddle with both of us for 10 min- they just want that closeness to both of us and to be honest with you we enjoy that closeness with them too-- mine are a little younger though. they will not be small enough to do this forever and before we know it they will be teens and not want anything to do with us- we eat it up just as much as they do right now- But if you mind it then you should tell dh. I'm sure he does enjoy this bonding time with his daughter and again it wont last that much longer- they grow up so fast you know.- I think when u do tell him just be sensitive to his feelings about it too- Like I said its not wrong either way just a personal preference. and i agree with daddysgirl sleeping with you is not okay

maybe if you are uncomfortable- he and her could cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons in the morning instead- thatwould be a good comprimise

I do not think there is anything wrong with kids sleeping in bed with birth parents. I think that doing so with steps is another story. I do not let skids in my bedroom for a couple of reasons. One is that I need some private space. The other is to avoid accusations. BM has a propensity for pointing the finger without provocation and would love a chance to take visitation away. We don't give her any canon fodder.

If BM were not so adversarial, ok a lot less adversarial, I would consider it. Also, the fact of a daughter with a Father may raise some eyebrows in our society where, sorry to say, an accusation can carry as much weight as an actual trial. Child abuse is horrifying, but somewhere along the line we lost track of innocent until proven guilty and some decent people have paid a high price for that.

I think I am partly reacting to a recent case in our state where a mentally ill man, who everyone was ready to lynch, was acquitted due to scientific evidence that he was innocent of sex crime against a kid. He ended up being a victim of our culture's overzelous propensity to hang em high, without a real investigation.

I'm not talking about being paranoid and suspicous all day long, but I do think men (and women) need to be careful to avoid the appearance of impropriety; even if they are doing nothing wrong.

I also think that there is validity in listening to your own intuition about what is best. You sound like a caring stepmom, so if it feels weird to you then that is something to look at.

Good luck with this situation,

// Susanna

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco

the step parent is the closet thing to a birth parent they have- and I have raised my step daughter since they were babies with out any contact with drug addict bm until recently- to them i am their mom and just because i did not give birth to them does not make me any less of their real mom- because to my little girls their father and I have been the only ones here for them- i understand in your situation but i think every situation is different and i also think step parents are parents too- and alot of us do more for skids and love the kids more than biological parents-

Because I was always afraid of the dark (Ok, I still am...) I encourage my kids and my skids to come into our room if they get scared or cold or whatever. Although my youngest still does - my skids never have. My kids are all boys and hubby's kids are all boys, and maybe with a girl "cuddling" with her daddy in our bed may make me feel wierd, like I were "competing" or something.... I'm not sure. There shouldn't be a difference, but I guess there is. Hmmm. Hadn't thought about until your post.

My thoughts-and I have a few questions too.The child is 3 years old, she of course is going to be interested by body parts as they look differnt than hers and this will be a curiosty. Most children do not "experiment" usually until they are more of the age of 4-5. It is not totally uncommon for a 3 year old to be interested though. Sounds like your place is small and you 3 sleep in the same room.my opinion-- first mistake-- when you put her down for the night- you said that you put her in your bed first--why?? that automatically sets the tone for her to think your bed is where she is going to sleep, if she awakens in the night now in a differnt bed this is very confusing for a child of 3, because the smells are different bed style etc.. I would suggest starting her in her bed-- if she cries the ween her off of your bed bit by bit-- you can even give her "rewards" if she stays in her bed all night.Here is my thought-- for a child of 3 her wanting cuddle time with Dad is normal but I do think after certain amout of cuddle time it is time to get up and do breakfast. I also feel that it is important for a child to know their body parts and feel secure about their body image as well as your fiance-- this can be done with early childhood books and videos which are age appropriate to their level of thinking and by proper verbage from you and dad, I don't feel however by walking around naked as a male displaying his body parts to teach her what they are called is the way to go.I have a question here--Am I wrong with that last statement-- does he have no problem with her trying to touch his penis? out of curiosity or has she just merely accidentally seen "it " a few times? My other question is you claimed he is " aroused" when she climbs into bed with you guys-- is he aroused by her getting into the bed-- or was it already there when she hopped in because he is wanting you?? if it is just there then he really needs to start thinking about baseball or apple pie as he sees her heading your way,cuddling with your daughter while you have an erection is not appropriate I would be a bit concerned about that-- especially if he does not lose it while in the process of cuddling, please correct me if I am wrong. this will cause thought processes in a child-- at 3 she will be able to recall her experiences she had as a child and it will shape in some degree how she is with her children in the future.He needs to lose the boner!unless the timing is appropriate for the 2 of you! Also my concern is when you expressed he has basically given you your walking papers if you decide a child sleeping with you or seeing you guys naked isn't ok concerns me.Be sure of what you want before this goes any further--if you can't express how you feel to him and how he is important to you as well as his daughter without a threat of you leaving or being told to leave- and if you already feel second fiddle-- you may need to re assess your situation and definitely get couples counseling if he will agree to- both of you need to be able to talk through things, not being able to communicate properly is not a good way to feel or a good way to begin a marriage.You also say you don't feel that there is anything to worry about-RE: sexual M/Abuse--But to me not only being trained to work with abused children but also having to sit in a court room and listen to a preteen girl relay her story to the court that when she was 3 years old (and off and on for years to come) she remembers at 3 her dad rubbing her up and down on his P-this was done in their laundry room Mom was home and had no clue any of this was going on, he is now serving 10 years in prison for rape of a child. I know that kids seeing their parents parts time to time is normal it happens, but please take notice if he begins to appear overly protective of her, possessive of her, jealous of you and her, as these are some of the tell tale signs of a pedophile or one in the making--also look for things such as playboys being displayed openly in the house so that she might get to them, and look at her behavior -- does she have night terrors??, is she easily upsettable? does she fear toilet times? I am not saying he is a sexual deviant but some of the things you wrote have a red flag or two in my opinion. Hope it all works out.

I made a comment but it did not go through-- I will try again-- My thoughts to you were I will sum it up-- Dad should be getting to a point at her being 3 --this is getting to borderline for my comfort zone for duel naked time-- He needs to wear a suit in the tub especially if BD is being overly curious- it does not enforce that sexuality is bad but does get the point across to her in a subtle way that is a " no touch zone" on daddy.Also I had expressed that as you are moving and will be in a new house-- try to get her as involved as possible in the process-- especially surrounding her new room-- have her help carry light weight things, ask her where she would like her bed to go- dressers etc..-If you have the money get her somethng "new " for her new room-- emphasize that it is her room her space-- also what helped my kids as they were tiny when I got divorced-- I put pics of me and pics of their dad by their beds so they could look at them whenever they wanted-- My thought was if you can bare to do it-- take a pic of the 3 of you guys and then see if BM will give you a pic of her or her with BD- set these by her bed where she can fall alsleep to them and that will be what she sees in the mornig upon waking-- a reinforcing fact that she is safe she is not alone, and you are with her dad but not trying to make her BM go away. That is important for children of all ages but very important for smaller kids. by the time she is 5 she should be bathing alone-- maybe popping a head in for safety but that's it.I had in my last message relayed that by you keeping your body parts private is good since you are not BM-at least for a very long time-- I had relayed in my blog to you that one time my skids jimmied the bathroom door open one time while playing a game of hide and seek-the deal was- the music was playing-kids were playing-- I had gone for a run and was muddy-- I was taking a shower to get cleaned up as we were going to go somewhere-- I went for my shower locked the door--I hopped out briefly to get a new bar of soap--one of the kids stuck something in the door knob and got the door open I don't think realizing I was in there-- much to all of our embarrassment I grabbed the shower curtain and hopped back in faster than I can say my own name-- all 5 kids turned red- covered there eyes and said" sorry!!" and ran back out I made a point to relock the door and finished my shower-- this is one of the many stories where I can say -- protect yourself against a jealous EX-- of course the kids thinking it was kinda funny in the after math told BM-- or-- it was interrogated out of them as she always questioned the children about doings during their visits at dad's-- not only did she call CPS maliciously on my H and I but added in her false report-- that I " walk around naked all the time-- and I had invited the children to come and watch me shower and I showed them my "downstairs"--How sick do you have to be to maliciously twist an innocent emabarrassing moment into some act of supposed deviance?? I think everyone knows if they have read any of my stuff here we were cleared of all her allegations--I hadn't even known what she looked like yet when she began this behavior-- needless to say-- she is facing a 1,000$ fine and 90 days in jail for making a phony CPS call-- CPS is on our side and they think she is a looloo.Sounds like you and his ex don't have these issues but always make sure you are protected in any case!!hope that helps and hope everything works out. I had also relayed that before I had met my H-I had been in a 5 year Relationshit with a guy who had 3 kids-- they all "needed" constant dad time to the point of me feeling like the family dog--they love me-- but go lay down over there til I call you-- It got really old-- not a good feeling-- don't ever let yourself feel like the family dog.

Kristilibons

I hated it when SD used to do that. DH and I have always slept naked so it made it extra creepy when she'd just barge in the room and climb into bed with us before either of us even knew she was there. I was happy that my DH stamped that behaviour out without me even needing to mention it; not that it was easy...skid dragged her heels throughout the entire process. You're right, it's your private space, the only place and time where you and your DH can share time just the two of you. How can you maintain any level of intimacy as a couple when you've got that little cock block climbing into bed with you in the morning?! It can be nice having snuggles in bed in the morning with your child, but the kid needs to be taught to respect boundaries, and knock and wait for permission to enter the room; SK can't continue to barge into your room whenever she feels like it.