SD is running our house....
I don't even know where to start, I need so much advise! I have 2 boys 10 & 8 and a SD 12...when we all moved in together I wanted to have a meeting to discuss the house rules and make sure everyone was on the same page. Everything I have tried to do has been pushed aside by my SD and her father...I am told continously that she is older, she is a girl, she isn't used to....now, she does whatever she wants with no consqueces...her father is either scared of her or her mother? I can't handle it anymore it is causing fights with us and my children keep asking why SD can do and we can't. She is not only spoiled but she is nasty to me and the boys. She treats us like we are below her and when she is around we all must do what she wants or it is pathetic!! I thought that she was too old for me to discipline so I expected her father to. He has NO PROBLEM telling my children what to do...My children treat him with total respect and they never argue with him...I think he has it made in the "step" department. When we first got together she was 10 and she threw fits and stompped around and she has not changed...he refuses to disipline her in any way...he will get angry when she gets caught doing something he told her not to and make threats...for example she showed up the other day with her nose pierced he lost it and told her she wasn't allowed in the house until she got rid of it....he makes these riduculus statements then she will show up with the nose ring and he will do nothing about it. She treats everyone with such disrespect I just avoid her because i am scared i will say something that i'll regreat later. After 2 years our relationship has become AVOID each other. I hate going home when she is there. Sadly, when it is the 4 of us we are so happy, when she is there it is aweful...He treats us all different when she is there....Trying to make her feel special by treating us like strangers??? Please help, i don't know how to get thru to him and i don't know if i should step up and take back my home!! By the way, I have discussed this with him and he won't do anything...he thinks i am JUST MEAN to his daughter....
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Well..
There is something about a father and daughter relationship.. I can tell you that. She has him wrapped around her finger right?
There are some things you can try to do.
1. Be clear with him on what you expect from her..
2. When he tells your children something pull him aside and tell him that you do not agree.
My reason behind that is because if he can no longer tell your kids he may just get the point you are trying to make.. He may finally get it..
3. She is 12, try to take her to lunch just the two of you and try to talk to her. If she says no then I would truly say you have tried.
4. Find things to do (if all attempts fail) with your kids when she is there that does alinate her and her father because essentially that is what they are doing to you.. Right, and your kids..
I can tell you from a friend of mine that I watched them raise there only daughter who ruled the roost.. She is now 18, mouthy been in trouble with the law, works thank gosh. Did not graduate, does not have a GED and she is known by lots of people as a SLUT.. I am pretty tough when it comes to being a parent/Step parent. I just think that being a parent whether step or bio should not be like your situation. I too struggle with what you do and my husband gets mad because he also thinks I am attacking his daughter. She is 15 and I make my two children do things to help around the house and he says well she only comes so many times a week average of 3 days. And the whole time she is there she is on the computer. So in essence I just start shooting off my mouth you do this and this.. And if he gets mad to bad.. I did not get married to have him tell my kids and not his own. Blending families is hard but if both adults would quit taking things personally as your picking and just parent together as one then things would be smoother I think.. JMO
I am very sorry you are dealing with this.
Happy
I can definitely relate to your comments, Lynette!
I can tell you that things do can get better. I went through the very same thing and as the kids got older, life is better but not before going through something akin to hell. It almost destroyed my relationship with my husband. However, I didn't deal with things well either. We didn't have a partnership in dealing with our new life together. It got to be them and us. I learned (almost too late) that point out his child's errors in behaviour would fall on deaf ears and make him VERY DEFENSIVE AND ANGRY! I hated coming home to this mess and started to avoid my spouse as well...they were one little package that I started to detest!
With counselling, I learned how to deal with the situation better. When I didn't say anything about his child any longer, he eventually saw the very things that I did AND then he would deal with it. I didn't always know first hand but eventually I did. And life was good. Try not to alienate his daughter. Eventually it will get better...honestly!
Step families take a LONG TIME to gel. I expected instantaneous bliss. What I got was a gradual descension in to chaos. However, years later and things are good...we all survived...happy, and all 101 body parts still intact
SD running your house? Why?
Why is the SD running your house? Does she not have parents? Isn't your husband her father? You're a parent, right? Your children are living in that same household? And you are letting a 12-year old rule the roost? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Children don't have the skills to have that much control over a household, let alone other people WITHIN that household. Their brains aren't even through growing for crying out loud. My stepkids (5,7,9) tried the same thing - we only have them every other weekend. And for the first couple of months, they made everyone's life miserable, mine, their father's and my children's. They maliciously tore up toys that belonged to my kids, they refused to mind, even their father. We were all miserable. So, one Friday night after picking them up, we had a "family meeting" with everyone - me, hubby, my three boys, his three boys and we literally laid down The Law. Any deviation from "The House Rules" would result in immediate and severe consequences. Yes, there ARE House Rules, and EVERYONE complies "or else." Although the first couple of weekends were kinda rough - mostly supervising and sticking our guns, their behavior has evolved into the "almost-ready-for-public" phase. But it's better - a LOT better.
It sounds to me like your husband, although well-intentioned as he may be, is trying to be his daughter's "pal" instead of her "father." She doesn't need friends, she's got lots of those, probably at school, or cheerleading, or soccer, or wherever. But she doesn't have other "fathers." He's the only one she's got and he needs to step up to the plate. Perhaps, he may also be trying to keep her "happy" living with y'all so that she doesn't "want" to live with her mother. Either way, he needs to step up to the plate.
Remember, that anything other than complete and total "unity" on the part of you and your husband will result in an ambush. Ever heard of the military term "divide and conquer?" You and your husband need to take a stand and take control. My experience is that 12-year olds "usually" aren't good at running a household, paying bills, holding down jobs, making good decisions, raising a family, or trading stocks. And, don't forget, you've got your biological children looking up to you. The decisions you make now could very possibly (or probably) affect them for the rest of their lives. What will they think of you and your leadership skills, or "authority" if you (and your husband) continue letting a 12-year old run your life, their life and your household? And your sons bring up a good point: Why does SHE get privileges that they don't? Is she a "priority?" You get the picture. Rules are Rules and need to be across the board, throughout the house, for you, your husband, your kids, the dog, the cat, and even "Princess Puddin'Puff."
Make your husband understand, that although you ADORE "Princess Puddin'Puff" that you feel that your #1 priorities are your sons. If your husband does not comply, then you need to think seriously and ask yourself a question. The question, of course, is whether or not you prefer to live YOUR way or HER way. Sounds to me like you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders and that you are very capable of raising your sons on your own - weren't you on your own before you met him?
You are so right...
I agree with everything that you just said...I also do not ALLOW my boys to act out just because their bio father isn't around and life hasn't been perfect...My (Hubby to be) is scared of losing his daughter and by letting her rule his fear he is totally losing her...can 12 year olds make life decisions? Of course not, but she IS raising herself and I feel like I'm the only one who is worried about where her life is going...My question to you is how do I get my HTB to wake up and be a father? If he won't which is where we are now, do i step in and take over? I'm tired of being walked on, and feel that he has created a us and them which I can't handle. My boys have gone thru more in there young lives and came out of it strong and loveable. The boys are rude to her, which I am very quick to correct not because she doesn't deserve it but because i want them to grow up to be better people. I am capable to raising my sons on my own...yes it is an option just one I pray it doesn't come to. Don't get me wrong I love this man, but i will never put anyone above my children no matter how much it hurts.
Parenting out of guilt...
isn't it a wonderful thing?!?!? :?
I think that stamina and happy are right in that you may need to literally back off and really let DH focus on SD issues. I know it will make you go bug eyed with things, but let him handle it all for a change so that he gets it in all it's glory. And I do like the idea that when it comes to your children, maybe you need to step up and say, no to him and handle that yourself, by how he may handle it with SD, if you see where I'm going.
This is one of those things that unfortunately, you both have to get on the same page. But in the process, he's got to be willing to open his eyes, so maybe if you do back off, let him really have to step up to the plate with it, and experience it first hand, then maybe he'll come around. Otherwise, my only advise would be family counseling.
The other thing I wonder is, how is YOUR relationship with her? She may feel that all this time before you, she was the only girl in the house, then you come along, and you have 'taken' her 'place' besides her dad. So, she may feel a little misplaced. That's sort of an identity thing going on, insecurity, and you find that happens in rebellious kids. They are acting out for attention. So, she may be feeling left out since ultimately, she is alienated. She's a girl, yours are boys, age differences, punishment differences, etc. She's probably a little jealous of you too, since you are her father's partner... not sure if you're married or not, but the result is the same. You're all living together, and it probably used to be just them, right? (I'm assuming.)
So, the only other thing, which sometimes I feel like a broken record, but you may have to really work hard at it, it won't be easy at first at all, but be persistent, and don't give up... but you have to build a bond with her. You have to figure out what she likes that you can offer to share/teach her. For one, it will give her positive attention and feedback, and second, you can also be able to set 'goal setting' plans, so that way she is getting treated for good behavior on a positive note. May it be cooking, baking, writing, art, music, shopping, manicures, whatever. You're ultimate goal is to start that relationship, and she may soften... but she is moving into the teens, and that's a whole other ball game!
Let us know how it goes.
That makes sense
Do you know when we first started dating i felt like she was "the other women". He did talk to her about things that I felt were inappropriate, I have a firm belief in letting kids be kids and i never discuss adult thing with them. He did and i guess i did make changes in their lives. I wouldn't let her speak to her father in the manner that she was used to. I guess to her, I stole her way of life, I won't treat her like an adult because she is far from adult. She acts worse than my 8 year old. She has the "world owes me" attitude. She is allowed to quit everything she starts....I can go on and on ....in a nut shell, she is allowed to do everything that goes against how i want to raise my children. I can try to act like the parent and take over, nothing can hurt right now!
If you try to take over...
I think that if you try to take over you will lose and your husband may be very upset. I tried to do this and it didn't go over well. You have to do what you feel comfortable with though. Good luck!
Reclaim the House
Nothings worse than going home and not wanting to be there. I know how it feels, especially when it's caused by a child. It's a conflicting experience. You struggle with "it's my home, I shouldn't be made to feel like a stranger" to "Maybe I'm being too unrealistic. Give it time." So I know how you feel.
To be honest, your hubby is in la-la land. He wasn't a disciplinarian when you met him; that's eveident by how his daughter acted when you first met her; that's his parenting style. (Red flag, for future use.) So, I doubt you'll get him to change without some family counseling that will teach him parenting skills.
I would have one more talk with him. Discuss with him what you're seeing, how it's affecting you and what your expectations are to make it better. If he doesn't listen or isn't receptive than the ball is in your court. You can:
1) Keep things the way they are and watch it all spin out of control.
2) Take your house back. Reclaim your right to enforce rules fairly, with everyone in the house.
3) Leave and start a new life that is challenging but at least your kids aren't mistreated, which is what's happening because their SD, your hubby, is not parenting his own child but parenting yours.
I would try #2. What's the worse that can happen? The SD doesn't like you? She doesn't anyway. The hubby thinks your mean? He does anyway. Your kids think life is more fair? That's the goal I'd go for. Do it for your kids, for your peace of mind. Take back your house, be the mom, and teach the SD how real life is: There's no special rules for 12 year olds and that "the world doesn't owe her anything...the world was here first," Mark Twain, paraphrased.
Keep in touch and let us know how it goes.
Thank you all so much
Reading the comments have almost made me cry...my H is so hard headed when it comes to her and i keep second guessing myself and stepping back. I know that I would never let my boys act like she is so I know I am not being "mean" to her, I just think parents need to be parents. Looking back on my childhood, there were times I felt like my parents were mean and unfair but I alway knew that they loved me and would be there no matter what. It isn't easy! It is hard work I am just frustrated that he is unwilling to "do the work".
Thank you all so much for your support you have helped me sooo much, you have got me thinking and I definitely feel less powerless!