Stupid Me
So I told you that BM contacted me with ligitimate discussion topics and I spoke to her. Well, during that conversation she asked if I would be OK making my Myspace public again, and she would do the same, so as to hopefully alleviate some of the trust issues between us and hopefully the reduced tension would trickle down and ultimately make things easier on SS. I gave thought to the idea, made all of my blogs private so that she couldn't read them, and made my Myspace public.
Not even an hour later, BF gets a call from BM. "Don't you think that you need to tell me that you've moved?" He had no idea what she was talking about. She started screaming at him (of course), so he hung up. She then sent me a message congratulating me on buying a house. I told her that things she found out on the internet about me, whether true or not, will not become topic of conversation between her and BF, especially considering the restraining order that they have on each other, but more importantly because that's NOT why I made the page public. Ok, she apologized, admitted she was wrong, and we moved on.
I don't know why BM all of a sudden thinks that she is free to talk to me whenever she wants because she sent me another email asking if I was pregnant AGAIN (like the 10th time in the past 12 months). At this point I'm getting really frustrated and about ready to just clam up and be done with it for good (again). She, again, apologized and we moved on.
So this morning I get an email from her saying that it seems BF has opened up a second business so it looks like her child support payment will go up at their court hearing. This is not only ridiculously false but also completely inappropriate. Why did she feel the need to say this to me? I know that the comment has absolutely no merit behind it because BF does NOT have a second business, and as a matter of fact the child support will most likely be going DOWN at the hearing because BF's attorney is gathering what she needs to sue for more custody and smaller payments.
UGH I'm just so frustrated. I knew that I had just walked into a trap and it would only be a matter of when BM would start being a bi#$% again. I'm ready to just stop talking to her once and for all. There's no use playing this stupid yo-yo game with someone who have no interest in changing or making things better at ALL no matter how many times she may claim that she does. You know she plays the boy who cried wolf game so much that some day something serious will happen and no one will listen to her because we're so used to being lied to and will have already given up on her. GRR.
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None of that is her business..
I'm sorry that it turned out this way. I guess like most other situations when someone starts acting out of character it's usually to get info. BM in my case pulled me aside while registering kids for Kindergarten ( SS and BD are the same age) in what I originally thought was an attempt at a peace treaty. She started with "You know just because we are not friends doesn't mean we can't get along." She asked me to sit with her while we waited for the kids to go through the K screening process.
She went on and on about what was going on in her life. She was getting ready to remarry, her day care cost was Soooooo outrageous(which was a lie the state was picking up her day care cost--we have a program for that where I live for low income families--I just let her lie) She told me about her new job and how it was hard work but such good pay-- she makes $10.00 an hour and after offering this info that I didn't care about she asked "How much do you make?" I prentended not to hear that. I wasn't about to let her know. BF and I work together. We are private contractors and we paint. Bf did the same thing when they were married, but since he was just starting out he didn't make much. 10 years into he has managed to build a fairly profitable business. She let that question go unanswered and then continued on to ask me if Bf and I were talking about marriage yet. I had enough at that point and realized that the only reason she was being nice was because she wanted inside info that she had no other way of getting. I looked her right in the face and simply said "We are so happy the way things are we are not the least bit worried about anything else."
So it sounds like you got duped Nymh. It seems like it's always the nice ones that get walked on. I'm sorry that it ended up that way but it appears that BM just wanted to be nice so she could pry and now she wants to get pissed about what she found out. Lovely isn't it. The way I feel-----IT IS IN NO WAY ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS!" You have a life with BF and the kids and other then the kids--she has nothing to do with your life or relationship. So what if you are pregnant for the 20th time(not that I wish that upon anyone) What does she care. It's not her baby. And to call and suggest that she will get a raise in CS--outrageous.
Just hang in there, lady. And if you need to--do clam up. If she's just going to act out, pry and accuse why not ignore her. I wish you peace and harmony.
Alisha
BTW NYMH....
You are not stupid! I think you are like me in that you would like to see the "good" in people and situations. However the "good" is just not always there.
Just wanted to add that.
Alisha
The BM is playing this game better than U
BM is living by the rule "keep you friends close and your enemies closer" You will continue to get bit because you are falling for her coniving ways. The next time she asks you to do something no matter what it is, you need to say to yourself "Self, what is the worst possible thing that can come out of this" and if you have an answer then DON'T DO IT!!!! Stop seeing her for good and place it in your head, she doesn't like you, you are a threat to her, and she will never I mean never be your friend! Once you realize this instead of being defensive you will be offensive.
I am also sorry if this is blunt, but I could lie also.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
Why do you still continue being too optimistic?
Nymh, we all recognize that you are a nice person, and you have nothing but the best intentions for ss, but why do you volunteer yourself to run into manipulative traps with bm? The same person your bf has already asked you to not speak with! Do you not trust your bf and his ability to gauge bm, and know that she offers nothing to the benefit of your relationship with bf?
First thing first, why would you even begin to think that your Myspace page being made public would benefit a child? That to me sounds so ridiculous, when I was reading your blog, I couldn't believe that you even remotely agreed to doing so. Are you so nice, that you hold yourself naive, and feel that whenever bm gives you 5% kindness, then you open yourself up 100%? Do you value yourself to be a door matt for others?
You repeatedly keep forgetting that your bm is PSYCHO! She has bad intentions for you, and when she has inside information about you or bf, she is going to do what dysfunctional people do, and try to manipulate that info, use it against you, try to take you to court, and create drama between you and your bf.
What info on your Myspace account could possibly benefit your relationship with a pyscho bm? To me, that sounds like a bm asking for you to hand her your personal journal so she can read it, and again, what possible benefit can a child receive from this? Trust isn't built on words, it is built on actions. Why would you trust a bm that has habitually broken trust with everyone around her? Why do you trust her to play by the rules, when she has never demonstrated herself to play by the rules?
Nymh, you are too optimistic towards bm, and that will routinely get you into trouble, and ultimately may cost you your relationship with your bf. Sometimes it is difficult to not open up to people when they are nice to you, but you must keep a protective distance between you and bm.
My advice for you is to listen to your bf, and discontinue any communication between you and bm. This is his problem, he can take care his problems, or he can ignore them, but ultimately this is his problem. Unfortunately, you are compounding the drama by trusting a pyscho person, and communicating info to her that isn't any of her business, yet holds that info against the very man you love.
I hope I don't sound too hard Nymh, I really really like you, and think you are a super nice person, I just think you should place more value in your bf's opinion than his ex wifes', and completely discontinue speaking to her at all!
I myself have been involved in minor traps, nothing like this, and more along the lines of being stood up for appointments, or bm will agree to something to my face, but something totally different with ss.
My best to your wounded heart.
Candice
RE:
So should I just make my Myspace private again and just stop talking to her without saying a word? Or should I tell her what I'm doing and why? I kind of feel like that would be opening up the opportunity for more discussion and I really just don't want to talk to her anymore. I understand that I am too trusting and optimistic but there is such a thing as "enough is enough" and I think I've had enough! My New Year's Resolution for this year was to stop talking to BM so much and in the past week I have completely blown it. I'm so upset with myself but I really need you guys to tell me what to do to make it right. I wish I could come here every time BM says something to me and post it here to ask your opinions so that I wouldn't risk screwing everything up like I always end up doing.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Why do you feel
after what she has done, that you owe her an explaination? Nymh, the first thing you need to do is make your Myspace account private, without telling her, and just think to yourself...when she tries to communicate to you, you tell her to go FUCK herself. You don't owe her anything, especially an explaination, to keeping your life private from her.
The next thing you need to do is find yourself a therapist. You don't have a good sense of self-esteem right now, and you find yourself without direction. I have been there myself, and I found my way out through guidance through my counselor.
I'm really shocked right now that you think there is a glimpse of hope by "opening it up for more discussions.." that you would really even consider telling her why you are making your page private. Nymh, you obviously didn't learn your lesson, just by the simple fact you still hold onto hope.
And lastly, you need to realize one important piece of info....you do not owe bm anything...A...N...Y...T...H...I...N...G! So when you find yourself wondering if should "discuss" something with bm, just remind yourself..you don't owe her anything....
Success for New Year's Resolutions does not equal will power, you empower your success by weeding out temptation. Do what you need to do to reduce your temptation to talk to her...even if it means unplugging the phone when you are home alone
I wouldn't tell her a thing.
I'd just do it. I'll tell you why. In the past when Bf and I told BM to stop calling, that we wouldn't take any more calls etc--it fueled the flame. I just posted today with an update on my situaion and I'll tell you NYMH IMO it would just be best to decide in your mind and then do it.
Don't give her the opportunity to drag you in once again. Just stop. She'll probably call more for a little while and not get the point--but she'll grow weary of it and stop. At least that is what happened in our situation. This time around me and BF just made a game plan, didn't say a word to her, and stuck too it. No offense to any BM's who post here because I know they are not all the same--I'm a BM too so I know this--but sometimes you have to treat your problem BM's like a child, make a decision and simply follow through. Be consistent and you will see results.
Ask yourself this NYmh---How much contact with BM is truly nessassary? I think you might be surprised at how often it's not needed. I Know I was.
Alisha
Why do you feel you owe her
Why do you feel you owe her explanation for anything you do?
She is not your friend!
You not wanting to have contact with her...should be self-explanitory!
If your worried about her 'feelings'....don't be!!
My hubby's Ex ...is also a MASTER ...I mean all capitals ... MASTER MANIPULATOR........
I cannot even imagine how to even come close to playing the caliber of mind games she wallows in. In most cases, you can't....these woman don't experience remorse, or empathy, or rationality, or reason.
You don't have a level playing field...you never will. Neither did I.
BUT my saving grace was that I figured out that I needed to change the rules....
I can't beat her at her game...so she had to play mine.
Which was no contact...
That's what she wanted most of all....it drove her crazy that she couldn't pull my strings and make me jump whenever she wanted to..
I took away her power....
I took away her control..
I took away her ability to invade our life...
When she tried to instigate fights.....I laughed at her.. She called me names and goaded me...when ever she could. I wouldn't bite..she looked like an idiot!!!!
The harder she tried the more pathetic she looked...and the harder I laughed...it was so 1st grade..it was funny in a sad way.
She has pretty much given up......defeated!
I wanted her to leave us alone..stop the games..and I played my game by my rules...and I won.
If we didn't do what we did...showed her no emotion..no reaction..ignored her...she would still be harrassiing us to this day..instead of settling down and looking for her entertainment elsewhere....
You have to change the way you deal with her....if you ever want true peace and happiness ..
Tell you what.....ignore her until you do....talk to someone.
Why do you HAVE TO RESPOND to her right away....or at all?
I still don't understand that part....I'm tryin' but I just don't.
Nothing good comes from it....the risk is not worth the benifit.
Well put Lovin-life.
I couldn't agree with you more. You have got to stop all communication with this woman. If you continue, she is winning and you'll fall into her trap.
This woman has no reason under normal circumstances to communicate with you to begin with. It should be strictly between her and DH...period. Don't let her infiltrate your life, that's what she wants.
Block her from receiving emails, and if you don't have caller ID...get it. Let her calls go to voice mail. You don't need to trouble yourself with her demented mentality. You are the better person, and don't need this drama in your life. So take all our advice....and END IT!!
Once bitten by BM, forever shy
Nymh, I can relate to your situation coz BF and I have been 'played' by BM after falling to her so called 'niceties'. Personally, I don't interact with her at all, and I make sure my BF is always on the lookout when she tries to be good coz there is a catch. Its too bad we have to be on our guard always but that's the only way to deal with her. BM has taught you several times that she is only friendly when she needs info from you to start trouble. Cut the fake friendship out with her. If its not about the kids, it's not necessary to chat with her. Just maintain civility.
This might be mean, but...
...you could just set her up and then watch what happens. "Why yes, the second business is humming along quite nicely and we're actually thinking of expanding into a third location. Thank you for asking!" Or maybe, "Yes, and the ultrasound showed TWINS! We're so excited! But don't worry, it probably won't affect your child support payments THAT much." Say it with just a hint of sarcasm, enough so that you can claim you were joking, but not so much that she wouldn't believe you. As for your mySpace thing, I wouldn't make that decision or any other decision based upon what SHE wants. Who cares?! It's YOUR account, do whatever YOU want with it. Screw her! And if she has a problem with it and starts questioning you, well, you don't owe her anything, not one single explanation. I mean, our lives are an open book as far as the skids and their BM, we're not hiding anything and I don't really care what she finds out about me or us, but if she did happen to call us on something, I'd have no problem telling her it's none of her business.
~ Anne ~
I wouldn't worry....
I think if you want to make your page public or private, do it for you...not her. I, personally, don't care what BM thinks of my page~ I keep it public so that old friends, family or others can contact me easily. You don't have to respond to anything she asks or starts trying to engage BF in...if it's not directly related to SS then it's not her business
She does it to get a rise out of you...
I really like Anne's suggestion with the sarcasm... that's pretty good.
I really think you should just break it clean with this women, and leave it strictly about the kids. The only reason she does what she does is because she wants and enjoys getting a rise out of you. It's quite obvious that she's using a lot of bluffs to 'interrogate' you to spill any further information out of you. If it doesn't have anything to do with the kids at the present or near future, then don't bother with her.