SS and how I disciplined him last night.....Too little/Too much?
Good Morning!
Thank you to all who reads this and responds.....
It's Wednesday, the middle of the week, hump day.......and so far, the kids have been great. Except for one....SS.
We have four children, SD9 SS7, and my two children, G7 B4.
So, we headed out yesterday afternoon to run a few errands. Me along with the four kids. We are in Bath and Body works, and I notice that the SS has no coat on. 30 degrees outside, and has been told repeatedly by teachers, his father, and me that he needs to wear his coat. He thinks he's invincible when it comes to wearing his coat in the dead of winter. HIs trick is to basically be sneaky about the whole thing.....be the most compliant about getting into the suburban, and after you are driving down the road..you look back, and no coat. We drive back most of the time. HOwever, this time, I noticed it after we were already in the store. So..... This is how it went down, and I would love anyones advise on how they would have handled it, or if I did well. I think that sometimes I feel that I could have been less harsh....and that's where I need the support of you ladies/men here.
"SS!, where is your coat?"
"I didn't wear it"
"Ok, when we get home, you have 10 minutes in your bedroom. Maybe that will get you to start remembering to wear your coat".
(This is where all hell breaks lose with the SS, he can't handle discipline of any kind (Thanks BM)
"No-way!...I'm not cold...blablablablalballab".
"Ok, SS, now it's 15 minutes".
By now I have finished my shoping and we have made it across the street to the grocery store. SS is walking beside me spewing mean words and sentences such as.
"I wish my mom was here to see what you do to me".
"At least my mom is nice"
"You are mean"
"My mom is nice when she puts me in my room."
"I want to call my mom and tell her what you are doing to me"
"I hate how you think you know how to treat me".
"I wish I could call my mom and have her pick me up."
Blaha ablabhabalbhaha..... At first I was upset that he was saying this infront of strangers in the isle. But I just kept pushing the cart and telling him to "keep it up".
We get home and I tell him in the kitchen that he will be in bed, lights out at 7pm.
That's what we did, and husband followed through, along with a long talk this morning. So, all is calm now, but I'm starting to think that I might have been too easy on him.
I explained that his words are harsh, and that 10 minutes was nothing and that he turned it into way more.
I wish that I could discipline him and feel like it was a correct punishment. Any advise?
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Comments
We have the same problem with a 13 year old
ours likes to walk to school with wet hair in a t-shirt in 30 degrees. He says it's not cold out side either, but we know he is just being difficult.
What we do is take things away, just like you did, you took his freedom away. You should discipline, and fyi, when kids say mean things, they are just trying to manipulate you. My ss likes to tell me that people in his life don't like me...like his mom, my dh's sister, my dh's entire family..and what I do to shut him up is play fire with fire. He says..."my mom doesn't like you...and I say so...aunt so and so (dh's twin sister) doesn't like you..and I say no...and then I say..but your dad does!" And he can't really argue with that.
When ss calls me evil stepmother, I let out an evil laugh...so when he starts in on you, agree in a sarcastic way. You might make him more mad by doing so, but don't personalize the trash talk when it is coming from kids. He is just trying to be manipulative.
In the future you might try singling him out and forcing him to dress by the numbers before leaving the house, kind of like you would if he were two. Since he refuses to dress himself responsibly, then treat him like he is two, and tell him to put on a jacket while other kids are getting dressed. Or, store in your vehicle the ugliest 2nd hand jacket you can find in the vehicle you drive, and when he conveniently forgets to put on his jacket (and with 4 kids you forget to dress by the numbers), let him know you have a 2nd jacket he can wear while you guys are out;) In fact, I would put a girls jacket in the vehicle...you know brightly colored in feminine colors! Maybe even a little fake fur! A couple of times wearing a girls jacket at the mall will cure future troubles of him refusing to put on a jacket!
Bests,
Candice
Candice!
You are absolutely hilarious! Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed out loud like that is ages! Just hilarious! Putting a girls coat in the car is what I will do. I can just see his face now!
He is definately trying to be manipulative and he tried even harder last night when he was saying it in the spaghetti sauce isle while a man was shopping next to me. It was like he was trying to even get the man pissed off. "What more can I say to make my step-mom and this strange man mad". He's an interesting boy.
It's been a grand day today as well. His mouth lost him his birthday party he was going to tonight. Three warnings and he went for a fourth. It's so easy. DON'T TALK BACK
Have a wonderful day. Thanks for the laugh
heather
so glad I can help;)
I'm so glad you got a laugh out of that. Kids can be so frustrating, and I like to hear people laugh about my comments.
My ss recently lied about when early release was to his mother and conned her into letting him skip 3 days of school (she thought he would miss 1.5 days, when he really missed twice that) and b/c of that we took his snowboarding trip away for New Year's Eve.
Last night we drew up a contract for him and his dad to sign. It had a list of requirements that he had to fulfill, which includes good behavior and no missed school between certain dates, and if he met those requirements we will take him on a snowboarding trip at the end of Feb. Well, when he read this, of course we heard..."this is stupid, this isn't fair...you guys just want to take your family and not me..." I again out wit him...I said..."ss you know you are part of our family too, and second of all, if that were the case, we would have never invited you in the first place." Then he stated he doesn't want to go with us on the next trip, that his mother is taking him in a couple of weeks, which to my knowledge, she is not, she said she would finance him going with friends, but not in a couple of weeks...so kids can be really aggressive with the manipulation.
Hang in there! Another idea for getting kids to shut their mouths is to cut their hair off. My ss likes to wear his hair really long, and when he wouldn't stop back talking, dh took him to super cuts and got his hair chopped. He was pist for about 3 weeks over that one!
Have a great day!
Candice
What even cracks me up more,
What even cracks me up more, is that this child is only 7, but acts as if he is 14.
I told him the other day that I slammed my door on my mom when I was younger, and my dad took the door off its hinges. I told him that I got my door back a year later. He thought that was completely devistating that that happened to me. Later that week, biomom called my husband and told him that he should never do that to poor SS because that would just be mean. Hmmmmmmm....
Tough situation when kids don't understand discipline.
We did that too..
ss lost his hair and his bedroom door. And dh fielded phone calls from bm, grandma, and aunt...all claiming we were abusing him, how dare we cut off his hair (you know b/c image is a right for 12), how he would refuse to go to school b/c we cut off his hair...umm, that is when we would escort him from class to class:)
My ss is 13, and truly believes he is an adult and entitled to adult priviledges. I am signing him back up for counseling b/c he lies so bad, manipulates, and now is stealing from family.
Good luck with him, you know, you might try family counseling for just yourself to get ways to handle this misfit right now. It has worked wonders for me!
Bests,
Candice
Please excuse me...
But how is it abuse to cut off a young boy's hair? I think it's fantastic discepline if he really likes his long hair and he's done something bad enough to deserve it being taken away. I mean if he was a girl I could understand that, but plenty of little boys have buzz cuts. I don't see how they found it such a big deal.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Well...it's not
but you see grandma and auntie feel that ss can do no wrong period. So for us to discipline him, especially when he NEVER does anything wrong, is just wrong for us period.
Seriously, I think that these 2 stooges feel that my dh and I can't measure up as parents, and they HATE to see ss disciplined. He can lie to the entire world, steal from them, treat them rude and disrespectful, but don't you DARE take away his image, after all, it's his right as a 12 year old, it isn't a priviledge.
Nymh, these people are seriously dysfunctional and place higher value in a child then they do adults. Grandma has adult conversation with ss, without censoring her language or topic...for instance...she said..."your uncle X (Grandma's oldest son) isn't a drug dealer..he is a drug runner..." As if there is a difference. So they dispise us setting boundaries for ss. If we do anything to piss ss off, then she counters us all the time to make up for the discipline.
We are working on dh setting boundaries with his sister (he just recently told her to mind her own business with ss) and bm just said the same thing to her mother. It's difficult to make these changes when you have been brought up by these people all you life, so there lies the difficult part.
And for the record, cutting off his hair really worked! That to date has been the best form of punishment my dh ever thought of!
In reading this..
It occured to me that you (me included) SM are not really battling with the children. ITs the BM that makes it so rough. I cannot believe that BM called your husband and asked him not to take the door off the hinges ever because that is mean. That is mean. I think child abuse is mean, taking a door is a good punishment and it would make them think twice. These BM are crazy.. Its not funny how he mumbles but I have to tell you when I was like oh lets see 14 thru 17 when my mom made me mad I would stomp to my room with her right behind me but I was mumbling the whole time, somehow she would follow me and when I would slam my door shut she would open it and laugh at me which just made me more mad, but I think that is a phase and also it was my BM.
I don't know what the answer is with SK or BK anymore. I think its a true test to see if we can be survivors because everyday its another freaking test.
I think they should have a "Survivor" episode of Bio's VS Stepmoms.. Wouldn't that be funny..
My big battles are
with bm, grandma and dh's sister, so we get a triple whammy of underminding that is going on, and 3 stooges are severe idiots!
I just found out from bm a couple days ago that my sil criticized her (bm) for sending ss to live with us saying things like..."what kind of mother..." to bm, mind you bm is really, really unstable. I also learned that sil said to ss while we were punishing ss "if you crawl out of your window in the middle of the night, I'll come pick you up." So for dh and I we are battle 3 stooges, and even if we go the long haul, there is no guarantee ss will turn out to be like dh.
For that survivor show...
For that survivor show, if you are both step and biomom, which team would you play for?
Um I am not sure..
Because I am a nice ex-wife.. I get along great with my ex's girlfriend.. And I include her in all phases of my ex's and my childrens lives.. So her and I would be sitting somewhere drinking and eating and laughing together..
And since the BM of my husbands kids and I get a long now I am not sure. I think I would have to play on the SM side just to help some of ladies kick some good honest ass..
I wish my ex-husband would
I wish my ex-husband would meet someone....then he wouldn't be so cranky. Then the new woman could clean up his house. He's asked me....and I look at him and laugh.
For that survivor show...
For that survivor show, if you are both step and biomom, which team would you play for?
Oh, that's hilerious!
What about adding the kids in as a ringer?!?!? You could ultimately have a spin off with just "moms" vs "kids" too!
Morning Happy!Yes, she
Morning Happy!
Yes, she called my husband to tell him not to be too harsh on the discipline. The problem is....BM feels bad everytime she tries to disclipline her children. She has them every other weekend, and they completely walk all over her. Unfortunately, she has some mental issues that are controlled with medication, however, her temper is easily aggitated, so she pretty much screams at the children A LOT. Sad, but true. So....her "Do you still love mommy" fix is to buy them clothes, games, toys, etc.... The latest are these ETNIE (sp) shoes that are the ugliest "thug" looking shoes. However, she knows that we don't like them, so she has managed to buy them in all the new colors. Crazy.
And of course.....she sends the kids home telling us how "Broke" mommy is. While they are standing in brand new clothes.
Why don't you help her, by
Why don't you help her, by taking some of those shoes back? ;0)
I thought kids were supposed to be sweet and loving at age 7!
I can't believe that backtalking and defiance can be such a problem already at age 7! I feel for you! You are doing the right thing - don't let him manipulate you. Stick to your guns!
My SD is 11 and I thank my lucky stars that we have no problems in the discipline department. I always thought it was because she's still young and sweet, but apparently they can start the teenage attitude before their age even hits double digits! I think she just has a sweet disposition. I don't know how she has escaped her mother's terrible parenting unscathed. I know we're certainly not out of the woods yet, but I really do feel blessed that it's been this "easy" so far. (Despite all her mother's attempts to sabotage our relationship!)
All I can say is, at least your husband has your back and you two present a united front. I've read a lot of stories on here where the stepmom tries to discipline and the dad doesn't follow through out of guilt. So, it could be worse! (Just one way to look at the bright side.)
Good Morning
Good Morning Caitlin.
Unfortunately, we have backtalking from the 7 and 9 year old Step-children. You will find that I don't inlcude my two children most of the time, and after I read these, I looks like i'm only talking about my step-children. This is where it is truly all about disciplining at a young age. My two children don't backtalk because they know it is wrong. Now, when my daughter gets angry and expresses her frustrations, that's understandable. But....hateful words are just not in her heart. And that is what is so sad.
These two children can tell the most aweful stories, say the worst words, say "This world sucks", hate everything around them, and it is so sad. Things have gotten so much better over the past year. Keeping them out of daycare and their mom not having them as much (her decision) has calmed these children down.
My husband did not disclipline them very much before I met him. It sounds prude, but it's true. It was the typical "kids run the household" when I met him. The only thing that they don't do it backtalk him, so I don't think he truly knew the extent of their behavior. SS7 got kicked out of two daycares and that was the beginning of him knowing that there was a huge problem.
These two children have seen way too much in their lifetime. And we are starting to find it all out now. They are both in therapy both privately and at school. The youngest is on anxiety medication, and he still has anxiety attacks. He's tiny, and now he has lost another 2 lbs. (due to the medication).
BM is bi-polar, balemic, manic-depressed, and OCD terribly bad. How do you find out what is wrong with a 7 year old when their mother has this history? She is progressively getting worse, and she is aware of this. Her medications don't keep up with her manic behavior. Eventually, I see her moving away in the middle of the night and never telling us where she has gone. She has a 3 month old baby that the father wants nothing to do with, and she has already confronted us to hint around that she can't handle the baby either.
I COULD GO ON FOREVER!!!!!
Have a great day,
heather
Now that would be the test!
Now that would be the test! A "Survivor"....Sign me up. However, what if they played a trick on us and made us be on the same team as the BM's? Hmmm....I don't know if I'm ready to be "forced" to get along with the BM. She's crazy.
Yes, she did call and say that. She was worried that the punishment over here might be too tough on the little guy.
THATS JUST WHAT HE NEEDS!!
Enjoy your day
I an certainly say..
That if we were the SM on there with the BM the BM would probably loose. Think about that one. Most the BM on here are not married or with anyone else and by the sounds of the ones who are they are lost and troubled.. Anyways.. BM put up with a lot because I am a BM too, but being a SM is a whole nother playing field. IT takes careful thinking and planning and just all around patience.. So I think the SM team would win.
And there is no way that they could put BM vs SM on the same team. There would be like an ass kicking every minute.. We would have to have Steve the body guard from Jerry Springer there to intervene.. LOL..
Oh I don't think so...
Not all step moms hate the biomoms. Personally, my sks biomom is not one of my favourite people in the world but I don't hate her, don't wish her any ill will and wouldn't be mean to her even if she were nasty to me. If I play the same tricks as she does or sks do (if they act disrespectfully, then I am no different than they are.
You are lucky. I don't
You are lucky. I don't think that most of these women necessarily "HATE" the biomom's. I think that we wish that our jobs as step-parents would be a little easier, and this would happen if the biomom's were not acting the way that they have for each of our individual situations.
We all wish for the perfect situation......
I'm glad we have this website to vent and learn!
a 7yr old behaving like that is out of line
Hey h6not3, its frustrating to see such young kids behaving so badly, thanks to BMs who instead of trying to discipline their kids, try to win their loyalty by letting them getting away with misbehaving. In the end, its your SS's biomom who will bear the consequences of not disciplining that boy. Seems like this timeouts don't work at all. I guess the only thing left is to deny some privileges when he is at your house and have your BF/hubby be more involved in the disciplining. In the end, those kids will be so difficult for BMs to deal with, and that's when some BMs send them to their fathers coz they can't deal with their indiscipline, yet they are the ones who created the monsters. I have a SS who is 8 yrs old but I rarely see him coz the mother seldom allows him to visit his father at our home, so I don't have experience with skids around that age. I had a good relationship with my exbf's son because I could discipline him when necessary and his dad and mom were ok as long as it was not extreme punishment. He was 4yrs old. he grew up knowing that kids should be respectful to grown ups no matter who it was. Its difficult when disciplining other people's kids but when parents work together especially in a blended family, its easier to raise rounded kids.
Hi jlmtik164,It is so
Hi jlmtik164,
It is so frustrating to have the skids misbehaving. Some days are wayyyyyyy better than others. Honestly, this week has been pretty mild and I still have all my hair!
Coming here to vent is helping me with my anger and resentment toward these children. I can't do anything about their mom, however, I can learn a lot in trying to understand the skids.
We are told that "Consistency" will go a long way with the kids. They haven't had it, and ever since they started getting it a year ago, things have gotten substantially better. I iqnore most of the bad and praise the good. It's the VERY bad that I get so mad at, and then I come here !!!!
Too harsh?! Nope!
If that were my 8yo son speaking to me that way, he'd be using one hand to pick his teeth up off the floor and the other to rub the sensation back into his butt. Jeez!
You know, I learned a trick for dealing with the "my mom is a better mom than you" routine. I just agree with the kid. Yes, your mother is a lovely woman. Your mother certainly is a peach! You are absolutely right, I'm totally evil! Yes, I do eat small children like you for breakfast... with hot sauce! Would you like to go to my dungeon to play with the fifty or sixty other small children I keep in my torture chamber? One, if you agree with them about how great their mom is, eventually they learn that they can't tick you off this way and get bored with trying. Two, if you are creative about the evil and wicked things you do to fulfill your role as the Wicked Stepmother, you might eventually hit a giggle button on them.
~ Anne ~
Why not just ignore the comments...
Why not just ignore these comments...they only say them to get a reaction. When people are trying to make you mad, silence is the best form of aggravation and also demonstrates great self control.
Another suggestion...
This coming from my DH...
Next time SS forgets his jacket, obviously in freezing weather, plan to stay outside for a LOOONNNNGGGGGG period of time. So, if you go shopping, go way out of your way to that store... walking outside obviously, then cross all the way back to the other side outside of the store to the other side, also park REEALLLL far in the parking lot... Infact, make it the last parking spot in the lot, and walk REEALLLL slow- take your sweet time... opps, forgot something in the car. So, if you don't want to be cold, then dress warm. Nothing like freezing and chattering your teeth the entire time, that will get your attention to wear a jacket. Lesson learned, personal responsiblity. Learned Military 101.
(Yes, I can attest to this- DH has just pulled out a photo album of him in the Middle East, with thick frost on windows of all the vehicles around in the picture. And yes, he's the ONLY one standing in line without a jacket... hmmmm.... it was one of the coldest days on record, I guess some freak weather came in. They were going home, and he thought he didn't need it... opps. I guess he froze all night too.)
Cold is a good motivator.
Thanks for the advice!! :)
Thanks for the advice!!
And also for your hubbys advise! 
Tell him "Thank you" for serving ours and his country.
We are heading out in a bit.....Let's see if he wears the coat!
I bet he won't.
Have a great day!
If he doesn't wear a coat...
If he doesn't wear a coat, why not just let him live with the natural consequences of not wearing a coat...being cold. No games, no tricks, no plotting of ideas...just good old fashioned consequences for one's behaviour. Being cold never killed anyone and, contrary to some old wives tales, that is not how people "catch a cold." So don't sweat this one, if he gets cold...oh well...he will be cool both literally and figuratively.