For me its easy to think this but I would make sure that he had no life for a long while. No friends, No Ipod, No telephone (cell included), No PS2, and he would go nowhere. But his mom has to ge ton board and this punishment needs to be for awhile so he can thinkand learn from his LYING. I would also make sure that I drove him to school when it reopens, take him into the priniple's office (make sure you are standing there) and make him tell the principle what he did and let him get punished at school. My view on this is that if you do not let him know there are severe punishments for his actions now he will continue on doing what he is and think its all ok. Its not ok. Candice you have read my things on my SS who is 21 and has gotten away with everything. Lying, stealing, being lazy all that. Now he messed up with the law and is going away for 6 months -1 month for time served. He honestly thought that he was going to get another slap on the wrist and guess what.. Did not happen.. I am glad. So if you have to use my situation to talk to his bm then do so. I would hate to see your SS end up where mine is because he thinks that he can get away with everything. Because someday there will be a higher power and being a parent you sit there and there isn't a dang thing you can do. I was in that court room and although I am glad they came down on him it does not take away the heart ache his mom and I felt. We all cried. I wish you luck..
happy

has to get with the program and work with you two instead of against you guys. Everyone wants whats best for him. What she seems to be doing is trying to come out looking like the savior in sons eyes.. And really she is doing him a dis-service by bailing him out. The older he gets the worse the problems are going to get. And then someday when he is really going to need someone to bail him out and you as well are going to want to your hands will be tied and there will be nothing anyone can do to help him.. The law has a higher power. I tell my kids all the time do you really think I like to yell at you or have to punish you? No if it were up to me things would just be wonderful all the time, but my job is being a parent first and teaching you right from wrong. It sucks being the mean one all the time. Dad lets them jump all over the furniture.. I have to tell them not to or ground them off it. yes I have done that once.. My daughter would not stop so finally I had enough and she had to sit on the floor for a week. But she learned and does not do that anymore..
I feel for you Candice I do. its so hard to know what the right thing to do is. I know as well as you..
I hope you and the bm get on the same page. She needs to realise everything I just said.. She is not helping him by giving in... She is ruining him and possibly setting him up for a huge problem..
Best to you

XOXOXO happy

I'd take away the snowboarding trip. I know it's supposed to be a family thing, but since he took it upon himself to get some extra fun vacation time, I think the most appropriate punishment would be to take away some of that fun vacation time. Hit him where it hurts.

Let him have his Christmas presents, it is Christmas, after all, but I wouldn't let him have the snowboarding trip. And I would definitely support whatever punishment the school metes out, possibly even suggesting detention or something after school until he's made up all the time he missed.

~ Anne ~

Oh, tooo funnnyyyy!

Okay, I believe firmly what Happy has suggested to full extent.

Let me ask you... you religious. Does your family go to church? I ONLY ask this because, some may get alittle offended, but the BEST punishment that my grandma dished out was... "Okay, then. Go get your sunday best attire on." and off to the church we went. We went Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday... twice on Sunday- both morning sermons, and I tell you. After awhile of getting that dry humdrum surmon, I was READY to change my ways and see the light! lol Okay, no but seriously....

Do you have any buddies or friends of friends that are cops or law related? Put a possible little scare about skipping school, you know? See, maybe alittle 'official' visit with a 'possible' implication of juvenile 'jail time' might do the trick... worked for a friend of mine's son. But he was 17 and boy oh boy, was he scared! lol. He graduated with all A's after that! lol.

I do think you have to get firm with this one, and he has to understand WHO are the adults in this situation. He's manipulating everyone he possibly can, and that's just going to run into more and more problems down the road. I think making life uncomfortable for him for awhile, the whole 'tough love' thing, would be the best. When he can prove and show you that he's capable of behaving appropriately, than slooooowwwwwlllllllyyyyy begin to give back to him privillages. Unfortunately, BM will 'sabatage' your restricktions, but be very firm that while he is under your roof, these are the rules.

Another option is that if BM does give him everything you've taken away, let him know that it's going to just take that much longer for him to regain it back at your home... so it could be never if he keeps it up. For example, my ss was just recently on restriction and wasn't allowed any TV, video games, movies, nothing electronic, and we decided not to sign him up for soccer or any sport event because we want him to focus on school. He was not focuing on schoolwork, and instead, was very very very focused on soccer, 24/7 obsessed with soccer. Fine and dandy, but when his school work got affected and fell behind, we were not happy and we told him what the concequences were if he did not do well in school. That was more important to us. So, sure enough, we let the reins out alittle too much and school slipped.

Anyway, we put him on restriction, he immediately goes back to his mother's and she right off the bat decided SHE would sign him up for snowboarding and indoor soccer. When he came back and told us the 'news', I was silently livid! So, after some initial casual conversations with SS, find out exactly what happened and that he 'whined' to his Mom who turns right around and feeds into him, so in turn we have decided that because he manipulated the situation... and yes we clearly show, prove, and define the situation to him, point out what we were not happy about running to Mom and whining to her about it, etc etc... because of just that behavior, now his restriction is DOUBLED... it's nothing but books from here on out and twice as long as we originally played for. We even called his Mom and clarified, AGAIN to her why he was not being signed up for sports, because he was falling behind in school... dah.

We've had the parent manipulation ourselves, but now we make it very clear what we expect and what we will do, and stick to it. You have to find what his 'triggers' are. Those are the best 'punishment' wake up calls. If he is absolutely in love with the ipod, than it might be effective, otherwise, he'll just move on to something else. So, we like to take all electronics away, and sloooowwwwllllyyyy give back one item at a time for a limited time until we see that his behavior has changed or corrected.

You could try to make his punishment about others and not so much about him. When I worked with juvenile offenders we always gave them some sort of community service…serving food in a soup kitchen, picking up trash at a local park, helping the janitors clean the city building, etc., etc…with your own kid you can do some neat stuff like maybe going to a nursing home and doing an activity with the people there who don’t get many visitors or going to a children’s hospital and playing a game or reading a book to the kids who are stuck there for the holidays and make him take them one if his BRAND NEW gifts! Let him pick which one after he opens it…show him that the world doesn’t revolve around him and what he wants and it’s really about what he can do for others!

Make a GREAT Day!

I think things will be much smoother once you get everyone on the same page, and that SS learns that it's not acceptable to treat people the way he is. I think you are on the right path now. I won't worry about second guessing yourself with punishments, because then, if you start to back down, SS learns that he can further manipulate the situation and still end up on top, getting what he wants.

So, be strong, firm and confident in your decisions. You are the best judgement on what is the appropriate actions to take. Once you have set something up, or said you are going to do this or that, do it. Otherwise, he's just going to continue to walk all over you. I totally support you. I think what you have planned is great! All the suggestions have been fabulous, so you can't go wrong. (Mine are purely comical... I just like people to laugh and feel better, but I would love to see what would happen if they were used! My family has a great sense of humor and are doing things that are just, well, some may just think... oh that's so wrong on so may levels. lol.)