Honestly, why don't you dump your husband and find someone who pays as much attention to you as he does his daughter?! That is ludicrous! I came on this site looking for some skills or advice regarding dealing with difficult stepchildren but there is absolutely NO WAY on earth I would tolerate that stuff. Seriously, I am sure you are worth more than that are there way more fish in the sea with WAY less baggage ladies!!! Come on, wake up and smell the better cup of coffee...

I have a child in my home who is 18 years old. Her father has 6 children. Two years ago (she was 16) he remarried a 19 year old girl. My husbund and I have a four year old. Her father and I were friends through work, four years ago she started babysitting my child which then turned into staying with us most of the time. We then moved to another state. She was very upset and did not want us to leave, she had a very hard time with the new young step mother. We talked to her Dad and she moved with us. I applied for gaurdinship and she will be 19 this month and still with us. It has been tough lot's of the time. It is hard ti disapline a child that is not yours and I also won't her to always feel wanted. I have recently come upon a new challenge!!! I went into her room for a scratch piece of paper to take down a phone number. On the back of the page I found a list with her and a friend of her's name on the paper. One list saind BJ's each girl had 4 names on and then another list had one list of ten boys and on my girl's list was nine names. I an not to nieve to know what this list means, she had confided in me the first time she had sex (17 years old) and the first name on this list was his name. I am shocked, sad, fell that she has not been honest with me. I have asked her about sex, she always promises me that she isn't like that. I do not know what to do? Do I take her to a doctor? Do I research her family history? Is something wrong with her? I am at a lost for words, which is not norma for me. Please any advise that I can get!!!!

Reading this helps me in knowing I am not alone with all the issues of being a stepmother. I often feel like I am alone out there and do not know what to do.

My stepdaughter is 10 and most of the time she acts like she is 2. Many times she is violent and has tried to hurt me. She has gone as far as putting nails in front of me when I had no shoes on to trying to break my arm after shoulder surgery.

My husband has full custody of his daughter, and her bio mother has little to do with her, as she is usually just thinking about herself and nobody else. She tells her daughter she cant have her full time because she has to work and she want to spend time with her boyfriend.

I have to take care of my stepdaughter full time, take her to school, do homework with her, feed her, make sure she takes a shower etc. etc. etc. I am told by bio mom I am not to displine her daughter, and when there are problems (everyday) my stepdaughter calls her mother and she tells her she does not have to listen to me and to go out and play and ignore me.

My husband tries to help when he comes home from work, he tried talking to his daugher, he has displined her and nothing works.

I feel bad to say this but I have feelings of Hate now for my stepdaughter. We have been togeather for 3 years now and it is only getting worse not better. I do not believe there is a thing we have not tried to fix things.

I finally told my husband he has to talk to his ex and tell her she needs to start being a mom and take her daughter two weeks and we will keep her for two weeks. I knwo she will not go for this, as this would interfer with her time, but I am at the end of my rope, but refuse to let his daughter destroy our marriage.

Any help out there as what to do???

I have been married to my husband for 16 years. After 4 years of professional therapy, my relationship with my 24 year old stepdaughter is pitiful. The truth is I never encountered a more tragic relationship. My husband had only visitation in the summers, THANK GOD. This KID DID EVERYTHING IN HER POWER, whether true or not,to ruin our marriage. After almost 9 years I made the right decision of not allowing her back in our home. Until she was 18 he used all his vacation time to visit her(out of state), with my blessing. I am guilt free and happy w/o her manipulation and spiteful rages. I feel sorry for the poor soul that marries her.

I'm reading the emails from all of you and it's very helpful to feel less alone. Before becoming a step-parent almost 2 years ago, I would not have believed that being completely ignored, treated as though I didn't exist, could be so painful and imbolizing. Like Jill and others have written, it's especially hard when one's husband is his daughter's best friend. She has primitive psychological defenses, trauma from invasive medical procedures as a young child, and her father has great difficulty changing his parenting style to reflect her development into the 17 year old "A" student that she is. This kid completely runs the show. She has few friends, prefers hanging out with Dad, and knows exactly how to get him to cave in when it comes to upholding basic expectations of her (washing her dishes, putting her things away, acknowledging my existence). When he confronts her and goes to the mat with her, which he occasionally does, she abandons her stonewalling stance and rages at him. When he still doesn't cave in, she's invariably better behaved (at least toward him) the next day, but it's tough for him. He can't stand the feeling of hostility in the air when he confronts her and requires that she do something that's expected of her. The silent tension lingers, then he's in there, finding a way to connect with her ("Hey, your art project was great, do you like how it turned out?"), to make sure she knows he still loves her. It's maddening. Most maddening of all is this silent treatment. Dinnertime is a special agony, when we eat together. It's "Dad this, Dad that," engaging him in discussion about her homework assignments, etc., eye contact with him and him only. She ignores any input I give, and if I ask a question, she either ignores that or responds to her father. I've tried being present and helpful for the 2 years I've been in her life, gentle confrontation and inviting her to share how she feels with me, imagining aloud that it must be very tough for her to deal with me being there, more assertive confrontation and requiring that she respond to "good morning" type exchanges, commenting upon the silent-treatment process and how uncomfortable it feels, and, sometimes, deciding that this contemptuous refusal of hers to acknowledge me is unfixable, just going about my business and ignoring her back. What a way to live. Her father is on board with me about needing things to change but keeps allowing it to go on. It's gotten to the point where I'm overly reactive to every one of his little daughter-aligned blunders (clearing the table of her things for her when I've asked her to do it) and every non-acknowledgment of me from her. It's so horrible to see myself turning into this spiteful silently-seething wretch of a person. Sometimes it can feel like I've regressed into being a sibling of hers, eager to point out to "Dad" everything she's done wrong. My choices seem to be either "witch" or "spineless wimp."
I'd love to hear how some of you respond to the silent, "you-don't-exist" treatment from step-daughters, meaning things that you do yourselves and/or things that you and your partners have done together to combat the problem.
Netta

Anonymous, your situation mirrors mine so closely that I had to reply. I also have a stepdaughter who pretends that I don't exist. My husband spoils her, talks to her in baby talk (she's 17), and takes her side about everything. In fact, I have realized that he has intentionally tried to block my relationship with my SD. I've spoken to a counselor who said that he is doing his daughter a disservice by letting her be "the little princess" and giving her the power in our home. I have shared this with my husband, but nothing has changed. He lets her come and go as she pleases, he has never told her "no" about anything, and although he sometimes shares worries about her with me, such as recently thinking that she didn't come home one night, he never brings it up with her. (That I know of, but then again they do their talking quietly, behind closed doors, since he does not want me to be a part of her life). She is never punished for anything, even when she stole my daughters clothes.

I have learned to deal with this situation by keeping my mouth shut. She ignores me, I ignore her. I no longer make a big deal about her birthday, although I planned the party, bought the cake, and went along with all the stuff my husband bought her. I try to keep my sanity by remembering that I love my husband, I want to remain married, and that she will be leaving some day. I also try to remember that I am the adult, and although I know that this girl would love to ruin my marriage, I remain a responsible step-parent by being friendly when she chooses to speak to me, and showing up when she has an emergency and calls me instead of her parents. She's very good at using my good will when she chooses.

But I am concerned that your SD flirts with her father and that he does nothing to stop it. I don't think this is normal behavior on either of their parts. I feel that you MUST see a counselor--take the husband and girl with you if possible--who can hopefully help your husband to understand that he is hurting his daughter by allowing her to behave in this manner. Like someone else said on this site, this could be considered abusive behavior and it is in no way healthy.

Good luck!

Hi Rhianna and thank you for your response. This site is wonderful, isn't it? I am not happy for you and that you are going thru the same thing that I am, but I am happy to have found people who truly understand because they are living it too. I could not agree with you more in that we all need a good therapist. I know he won't go as he can't stand criticism or being told he may be doing something wrong when it comes to this child. He has another daughter who is two yrs older and he has latched onto the younger one, from what i can see, because the older one moved out a couple yrs ago to go live with bio mom. I can't blame her. I was not in the picture at that time, but if this is the way things were when she lived in the home, i can understand why she left. The two girls do not talk to each other and i blame the younger one for that. She has "loyalities" to her father and makes it more than obvious to him so that she can continue to win his affections and get whatever she wants from him. It is sickening yet so very sad to watch this. That girl will never be able to have a healthy relationship in her adult life as the only thing she knows is lies and manipulations. She too would like nothing more than to have me out of the picture, but i am not going anywhere. Not for the moment anyway. Her father and I are not married, but we all live together. She knew early on that I was on to her game, and i am convinced that that is why she does not speak to me. I am a threat to her. I have confronted her on lies so now she cannot "trust" me. Her father is a very smart man and can tell a liar a mile away....except when it is his little princess. He has come a long way in the last couple months, as he has caught her himself in several lies. I can see he is hesitant with her now, but still coddles her and pretends to believe her. He does not discipline her as he does not want her mad at him. It's nuts. She too has the run of the house. She comes and goes as she pleases,,,,,never asks permission, she just TELLS him what shes doing. Hell, HE asks HER what time she is coming home. It reminds me of a roommate situation more than father/daughter.

The flirting..........i know is totally wierd, disgusting, unhealthy, etc. As women, we see things that men don't see. He has seen some of it and admitted it,,,and some of his behavior has changed regarding this issue. But like you said, he needs to hear it from someone other than me. There is something called "emotional Incest" that I have read alot about. It's not as uncommon as one would think, but it is characterized as abuse. It occurs when one parent, after divorce, takes on the child as a "partner" by sharing adult issues with them and looking to them for emotional support, much like you would look for in a romantic relationship. THe parent lacks support, for whatever reason, from peers and friends so the child takes on the role as partner and eventually feels responsible for the parents emotional well-being. This does render awful life long effects on the child when trying to form their own adult relationships. There is some interesting read about this topic on the internet and I am getting closer to being able to approach this topic with my SO. I too am counting the days when she leaves the home. I know its awful to say it and I feel awful feeling it, but I cannot stand to have her around anymore. She just does not quit the games....it is constant competition for her with me. I ignore her for the most part and have let her know in no uncertain terms that she is not in charge of my relationship with her father. Thing is, none of this should be happening in the first place. SHe needs to have her own life outside of her father's and it is his "job" to make sure she does.

Thanks again for your input. I would like to hear more of your situation whenever you are comfortable in sharing it.

"hangin in there"

I re-married after a ugly divorce from my two daughters Dad. I thought my husband and his kids were great at first and my kids an his go along until we got married 3 years ago.

We started out with my two daughters and his daughter living with us before we got married, then the closer it came to us getting married his daughter started causing problems and started rummors at school that ruined my daughters rep at school and in turn made her lose all her friends. (my husband daughter an my oldest are withing a few months of each other in age). Then two weeks prior to us getting married my husband daughter Lani started cutting herself and then got in a fight with my oldest Maryann and tried to cut her with the knife. Well needless to say I got very upset and wanted her out of the house, so she went to live with her Mom.

Lani even out of the house would try and do what ever she could to cause trouble for us, at our wedding which I really didn't want her to come to started LAUGHing very loud right in the middle of our ceremony. I just about walked out and now I look back 3 years later, maybe I should have.

She knows no boundaries, has no respect for anyone, lies to him ALL the time about everything, and i mean EVERYTHING, has no respect for his "rules", although he has a problem enforcing them, I have never seen anything like her in my life.

The biggest problem started a year ago when her rich Uncle said he buy her a car. Then when it came time to buy her the car her Uncle said he wouldn't buy it unless we chipped in $1500. I talked with my husband and we couldn't afford it, plus with all the rotten things she has done to me, my daughter and the constant lying to her Dad I didn't feel she deserved it. Her Uncle kept putting it off then it was on then it was off for over a year, then in Oct this year he decides he's going to get her a car and has my husband make all the arrangements, picking out the car getting info to him and setting up a time to look at it an purchase it. Well that day came and my husband calls me up on the phone and tell me he has to put in $1500 towards her car or her Uncle won't buy it for her. I told him NO and he said he has to because he promised (without my consent or knowledge) and he doesn't want to disappoint Lani because she been disappointed all her life. This made me so ANGRY I yelled and screamed at him for over 1 hour, then I won't talk to him for several days.

Now to the issue at hand after giving you a little back ground. My husband contantly complains to me and rags on my daughter daily. He complains about how much she eats, drinking his juice to sitting in his new computer chair, to using the phone by his computer. He has forbidden her from sitting in his chair and has forbidden her from using the phone by the computer. He complains to me daily and wants me to enforce her not to drink his juice, don't eat this or that, don't sit in his chair, don't use the phone by the computer and rides her daily calling her fat, lazy and really gets on her when I complain about Lani.

I don't know if I was able to give you a true picture of what going on, but from what I've read on this site you've all been dealing with alot of my same issues.

Oh My,
Me too, I am feeling so guilty, almost coming so close to hating her that I can't stand it anymore. I want her to leave now, but unfortunately I have to wait till she graduates in May. I am counting down the days. That is why she came here because she was cutting school EVERY day in Fresno,Calif where her mom lives.

She is so immature, has her dad trying to be her FRIEND.....excuse me.....FRIEND..... Why, she has become more of a friend to her than me myself!! My husband said "you actually believe that"? All I know is I'm made to feel it. I just can't stand her. She's a liar, a drinker, smokes pot, constantly negative, saying "I hate her", "she's so fat" !! or, her hair is ugly.....constant negative!!!
I told her last time how this is affecting me, that I used to be a pretty positive person, and if she chooses to use the negative hate words over stupid immature things like hair, fat, or whatever, then go to her room. I won't let her get on my computer for her little sickening My Space stuff. THAT WEBSITE IS TERRIBLE !!!, or our teenagers are terrible. WHAT IS GOING ON? I can't believe the music, the disrespect, the cussing, the disrespect to themselves!!

I'm sorry, haven't really said much, just venting. Anyway, I'm done for now, I'm just counting the days, praying that she leaves and I hardly have any hope left for her, but I'm seriously trying to care.

Thanks all for listening.
Beth

I must say for the last two years, so much of what most of
you stepMoms are saying is true. For me too. I was the bad
guy because I caught my sweet stepDaughter lying and trying
to manipulate 4 or 5 of her friends into hating another friend
in their group.

Negative talk, you bet! She doesn't have a nice word to say
about anyone unless THEY GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. So you can
well imagine I am not a LIKED person.

It is okay. Her time is limited with us in the next 6 months.
She cost us $$$$$ thousands of dollars for a lawyer to help
fight to keep the kids in our home. The oldest stepdaughter
decided she needed to spend half of her time at her mother's
home. Well it had been an on-going battle for over a year and
it has now cost us $3,500.00 in court fees for our lawyer. The
bottom line, she got what she wanted. She is now spending half
of her time left at her mother's house over 20 miles away and
commutes to her friends house to get back and forth to school.

You didn't really think I get back up and support from a husband
that acts as selfish and controlling as his daughter did you? I
don't think so. The majority of the time it is a HUGE argument
and fight between he and I. Why? I don't go along with every-
thing they go along with. I am the bad guy. I am not passive
and I am not aggressive. I have a mind of my own and I won't
be bullied into doing things THEIR way.

I can see that it has taken a toll on our marriage. We have
another stepDaughter (her sister) and have another 4 years of
dealing with the SAME or similar issues. Will our marriage
survive? Hard to say. I cannot imagine taking a back seat
for almost 5 more years while he likes being their friend more
than their PARENT.

What would I know. I am only a stepMother. I guess the real
mother can walk away from her children and their day to day care
and abandon them for her AFFAIR and then marry him. Stay out of
her childrens day to day lives and overnight visits for two years.
Go out of work and not support her children and go about $5,000.00
in average on child support, and finally after 5 years want to
spend time with them now. I guess she is LIKED because
after all these years, she is the mother. I cannot imagine
how a child would feel love and security from a person that was
not bothered with their needs or caring for them other than
a few weekends a month and a few vacations for almost 10 years.

StepMomto3

Wow, I know how many of you feel. My wife and I have a seven year old son and she has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have been married for over ten years. It has reached the point where her daughter is dictating the terms of how we live. I have always tried to treat her with respect, do anything that she might ask of me, try to include her and I have only gotten resentment. It is clear that she resents her mother for marrying me. I have become resentful myself because my wife has stop having a relationship with me. In someways I can understand that she needs to to for her daughter but she needs to make sure there are boundaries and consequences. I have alway loved my wife but it has reached the point where she has given her daughter a great deal of power over our relationship. I know the guilt around the previous relationship affected her ability here. I wish there was someway that we could get on the same page and do the right thing for both of our children.

I know exactly where you are coming from, last writer.

Very frustrated .....

I have been married to his dad since he was 5. In that time he has made it clear to me that he doesn't like me, he is very much a momma's boy (thank God he lives with her!). He has no need for me in his life, therefore, treats me like I'm nobody. His mom is a total B**** to his dad, but his dad fears confrontation so he does nothing. His dad does everything to make him feel welcome in our home during visitation, but because of the way I am treated I can no longer do the same. I avoid him while he visits, and the whole weekend feels wasted, then it's back to work. At age 17 shouldn't he have a job and become more independent? My daughter got her license, a Job and a car at age 16. He applied for a job at McDonald's and didn't get it because he told them he couldn't work weekends. That is because he comes to our house at watches tv and plays video games, so of course he's too busy to work. Would it be unfair for me to have my husband tell him that when he turns 18, no more sleep overs? Another problem with having him over is his hygiene or should I say lack of. From the time he was little he refused to wash his hands as a way of being defiant, still does it. It's pretty gross to think about all the things he touches after using the bathroom, doorknobs, remote controls, cupboard handles, refrigerator handle, bread, lunchmeat, light switches and on and on... someone always gets sick after he visits. I have become a germaphobe! I think he comes over more to annoy me than to see his dad. He spends more time in his room with the tv and video games then hanging out with dad. Even if I hang out in another room, to rule out that he is avoiding me, they are not spending time together. I think he should get a job, buy a car and be prepared for when highschool ends. His mom has already complained about his laziness and wants him to move out after highschool. I think she created this monster and will be stuck with him because he sure isn't going to live with us!

I have been step mom to 2 girls for 7 years now. My better half in the past would never take my word unless one of his girls also backed it up. Now his youngest has told him I am attacking her and is affraid for him to leave her alone in my company. He now has told me I have no choice but to leave our home, He knows I have never lied to him, but says his girls say different form me and he has to protect them form me. In past they have many times told me they got rid of Dads old girlfriend and can get rid of me at any time. He says they now deny this. They have told there father many other things that are half truths or down right lies. I have always said that if they ever got on the same page, I was in serious trouble. My firends and family have told me from the beginging he was only useing me untill his youngest was about 16, and my money was gone. Then I would be out of there for a reason such as this. I have told him many times I have never lied to him. He can't deny it but says his girls will NOT allow me to come back home except to pack up and leave. His sister and her family, his ex and hers also are now on this band wagon. His girls tell him what they will allow, and if he does not do what they tell him, they threaten to leave. His oldest left after she turned 18 , a few months before graduation. He says now youngest at 16is threatening to leave and he isn't going to lose this daughter because of me as well. I was sent to visait my oldest son in Arz. for 1 month while he was to toake control of his youngest daughter...I told him with me not here they would have his ear and NEVER allow me back...but my car was left there to teach her to paralele park non the less....I ahev given up my job in a free clinic I loved, and the schooling that was to be paid for 7 years ago. I have been the stay at home MOm they never had. His sister and his ex have much to say about me and my faults but neither have givene up one thing to take care of these girls that are there daughter's and there brother's girls...they have both said they have there own lives to lead...so I raised them. Drove them to school, feild trips, ran them all over, spent almost $78,000. on them , there Dad and the home. Now I have nothing left and I am being told to leave before I escalte to more harmful acts aginst this youngest child. In early Dec. his oldest 22 now, called to let me know that she had told her step-dad and now me that this youngest daughter was playing there parents "like a fine tuned Monopoly game". Sence then the girls have gotten together and I am being sent away. My heart is broken. These have been my kids too for 7 years to. I have found no help for this. I feel lost, alone, betraded and hurt in a way I can't even begin to discribe. He is kicking me out because he isn't man enought to confront his girls when he knows they are not telling the truth...I am soon to be single and broke. So my daughter in law is taken me for fried ice cream so I don't fall apart once again. Any advice please. TY

When I met my husband he was fighting for custody b/c his 12-year old daughter accused him of sexual abuse for 2 years. Here is what she wrote in the court: "he came to me in the night,...kissing my lips... rubbing my chest, putting his private to my private, and breathing hardly.....he started moving very fast on top of me... Later on, she was checked by doctor said she still a virgin, then she and her mom accused him of anode rape.
Now, he gets full custody, b/c he clean his name in the court.
I am glad he can prove that he is not a child molester. BUT, I hate to live with his daughter. Because she makes me sick for those sexual fantasy toward him. Now, she acts like his ex-wife at home; she wants to control the dish washer, laundry machine, kitchen....... she asked her dad to put kids first, to support her whatever she wants!!. She could run cell phone $800USD in 3 months, and still asked for more. She even want to do modeling training which cost $2500USD... My husband is broke b/c he spend all his money in court to fight for the title given by her and his ex- "child molester". He even asked me to have abortion b/c he needs lots of money to support his princess daughter.
She thought she is very pretty, and she really knows how to handle man, how to get what she whats!! She had learned what the best- her mother.
I am really sick of her, even she is only 14.
My husband still wants to keep her even she and his ex-wife trying really hard to get the custody back. She even dressed very sexy at home to seduce him. They hope this time they can really prove he is a child molester??
I can't face my husband now, and I feel very sorry for my newborn baby. I want my baby to have a really family, not around a psycho-B. I am really sick of her!! WHY and HOW a father and daughter relationship can be so sick!!!!
I can't even talk about this to my husband b/c it is a taboo here. I dreamed about they had sex...now I can't even kiss him or sleep next to him. THIS IS SO SICK!!

I can see I am not the only one with bad issues, sometimes you feel like you are.

I am remarried to a wonderful lady who means the world to me, we both have 1 daughter each, mine is 16, hers is 18. The level of hatred for me from the 18 year old is ripping us apart. My daughter loves her stepmum but her daughter wont do anything for anyone except herself and gives hateful nasty looks and goes around slamming doors.

Is it wrong to want to go on the offensive and do things to make her miserable like she is me ?

I couldn't help but post here, just seems right...

I have raised my stepdaughters (14 and 16) for the last 13 years. Their father is a meth addict that pretty much abandoned them until he went through his trust fund and then came back around looking for them. He is currently living in a halfway house at some church.

I legally adopted the girls about 4-5 years ago. I love them and have tried to be the best father I can. This has been peppered with mistakes, but also with love. Somehow my wife has begun to forget the beautiful times and focus on the negative. She has been depressed (family genetic issue) and blames it on everything from MSG to me.

The 16 year old is hanging out with scummy kids that have piercings, are doing drugs, and listening to hardcore screaming music. My wife thinks they are "cute" and relishes in the fact that they say she is the "Coolest Mom around". I told my wife this is a bad sign.

The 14 year old has in the last 2 months gotten kicked out of her teachers assistant role in the 8th grade for cheating out of the teacher's book, ditched school with 4 boys and one girlfriend at a house that the boys were smoking weed at (we tested her negative).

Throughout the last 6 years or so, my wife has been interjecting whenever I discipline the children. She tells me off in front of them, to the point that everything goes haywire and the kids start arguing along When I tell them that C's/D's are not acceptable, my wife says that's the best they can do, right in front of them and allows them to be mediocre. THis has culminated in our daughters being lackluster about school and any activity they are involved in. I have been undermined in my authority and it shows. They dont respect their mother or me. My wife blames it on my parenting, yelling and angry outbursts. Many of these situations have arisen during my wife's interventions in my disciplining the children.

My wife was raised in poor conditions/trailer parks, with a mom that was a gogo dancer and part time prostitute, and her dad died of a heroin overdose. I came from a family with a heavy handed father that was very conservative and a sweet mom that was stay at home.

Things have been getting worse and worse as our 16 year old says she is moving out because I wont let her on myspace (One of her "friends" that my wife loves so much has been posting sick sexual references on her site and I pointed it out to her mom who says, oh they all talk like that) and I wont let her ride around in 16 year old's cars or go to house parties. THis has gotten me the label of overprotective and controlling. My wife has backed this up with the kids in no uncertain terms and let them know that she agrees.

I got a call from the 17 year old kid that was writing things about su*&ing black C&*k and ti**y f^&*^ing on her site. He was looking for her at home. I said, Have you gotten your sick and vulgar language on my daughter's site under control? He said, "I am trying." I flipped out. I said, well you better try real f&*&ing hard, because if I see that kind of shi* on her site from you again I am gonna SNAP. You got it? He said yes. Then I said, and you better keep this between us and not screw up our family by telling my wife or daughter about our conversation.

He did...

Last night my daughter was screaming at me in front of my 14 year old and I warned her 4 times to calm down and not talk to me like that. She screamed GET OUT OF MY ROOOOOM! Then went on to tell me that I was sneaky and a liar because I told this boy with the nasty mouth not to tell her or my wife we had talked (For just this reason).

I told her, "I have every right to do what I did and you will not talk to me like this". She said, "Be a man!" and I slapped her in the mouth. Been a long time coming with me emasculated by my wife for the last year or so. The nastiness and disrespect has been building steadily. I feel bad on one hand, but justified on the other.

I just want peace in my home and children that are well adjusted and respectful.

Who knows where it will go from here. Previous to this incident, I had made our 4th appointment (wife keeps making excuses why she cant go)for counseling.

Wish us luck, we are in a bad way.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. 10 horrible years when his family is around.
It started off about 9 years ago with his 17 yr old son standing in my foyer telling me, "F**k you, you f**king b*tch. You don't f**king tell me what to do!". I opened the door and told him to get out. He finally left after a few more comments similar to the previous. This wasn't the first time. Once the stepson left, I turned to my husband, who was sitting in his recliner. I went off on him. How dare he sit there and let his son talk to me like that. I told him he should have gotten up and put that SOB through the freakin wall! He told me that it looked like I handled it just fine. My point is...I should not have had to handle it! As a father, he should have stood up and stopped his kid's behavior! He didn't.
The good news about the son that is now 26 is that he is in the air force, married with 2 children. He hugged me after he was in the Air Force and said thank you. I asked for what? He said for saying no and meaning it. He said I was the only one that said what they meant and meant what they said.
My husband, like many on this list, is more interested in being a friend than being a parent.
His brothers have caused problems in our relationship, his ex-wife has started crap and his daughter. I am so sick of all of it. After 10 years I am sitting here and I am so ready to throw the towel in. Let them live in their own misery and let me get the heck out of it.
The latest is his 22 year old daughter. She recently had a baby with a convicted felon that is just starting his 8 years of probation. (Part of his probation is he is not allowed any alcohol or drugs). We learned my step daughter was snorting cocaine while she was pregnant. He was taking Xanax and drinks like a fish. (He is 21). She came over today to our house, told me I had no right to call her brother and tell her brother the cops found a drug pipe in her car (the boyfriend had the car while she was in the hospital having a baby). I told her as long as my stepson's kids were my grandchildren, I had every right. Her brother doesn't want the kids around anyone that is doing drugs. The stepdaughter went on to call me a b*tch. She went to walk past me and pushed me. I stepped closer to her and told her she did not call me a B*tch in my house. We had several more exchanges. She turned to her father and told him if he ever wanted to see her baby again he could call her. I told her if she wanted to see my husband again she could call me. She said he was my dad first. And I told her he selected me for his wife. He was stuck with her for a daughter. She seemed surprised to realize this. I am so sick of her behavior. I know I didn't exactly act the best today. But I have had it! I am tired of being a rug for her to wipe her feet on while she visits "daddy". By the way the only time she wants to see him is if she wants something.
While she was pregnant, her boyfriend got drunk and sliced his own neck. She told us he was jumped by a group of hispanics. I am sick of her lies.
We have also learned that she was snorting cocaine while she was pregnant.
I have dealt with the monster for 10 years. Eight years ago she molested my son. He was 9 at the time. I refused to let her in our house again until she was 18. Nothing but trouble since.
But the bottom line comes down to this. We are all having problems with the monster children because their "parents" are not doing their job. So they allow us to suffer. We allow ourself to suffer.
Well, after 10 years, I have had enough. Let the monster children have their father...I mean friend. I will take my 17 year old son, that by the way has never been in any trouble, graduated from high school a year early, has held a job since he was 16, and leave them to enjoy their misery.

hi,
reading eveyones post has helped me realize that i am not the only one suffering. i have been with my husband for 3 and a half years, we live 250 miles from where his children and ex live and for the first 10 months that i was with him his children didn't speak to him, the only reason they did was because we went to his home town and i made sure that he didn't give up on them which he was ready to do, what a mistake that was and i should of let him just let go. he has 2 children a son and a girl and he just seems bothered about his girl.
i would tell you everything but you would be reading this for a month his ex is as bad as his daughter, both nasty, lying and very very selfish, when his children come and stay that is a total nightmare, his daughter lies to her father if i walk out of the room she will start a conversation with him but the minute i walk back in she shuts up, she writes nasty stuff in a book about me that my children found and then denied it to her dad, she lies about to his ex's family and me and my husband do nothing but argue, he don't see what she is doing and when i try to talk to him about her his exact words are " you deal with it she's doing it to you not me", the first christmas we had them he spent thousands on her and my youngest daughter got 1 present.
my husband moved into my house with my children and she tells me i have no right to be here and my children should not have anything to do with her dad, when we got married my husband didn't tell them about till after we done it b/c he knew she would mess up a brilliant day,
at first his son was great but now he's turning into his sister. every time they come down they both end up crying, my husband knows they don't really want to come down, and his daughter complains cos her dad don't spend loads of money and she claims that i have all his money but she was ok when her mum rang a few weeks ago and told my hubby that he has to get her new carpet and get it now b/c she cant wait for her live in b/f to get it. my husband says i cant except his kids i can except them i made him keep trying with them, what i can't except is the dis- respect, nastiness, them taking over my house treating me like i shouldn't be in my house,
my husband son is such a fussy eater he will only eat chicken nuggets and chips but if my children say they don't like something like tomato soup then they ain't aloud to eat beans or ketch up.
we have rules in my house that if you don't eat all you tea then you don't get sweet, but that rule don't apply to his children.
yes he does treat my children different to his children when they stay, my children are always in the wrong,
my children have chores to do before they go out with their mates but his kids do nothing just play game consoles, he never says NO to them,
he does everything for them yet my four year old has to tidy her room, even vacuum clean it, and he throws money at his daughter for a quite life,
sorry if its all jumbled, his daughter is now 15 and his son is 11, please believe me i have tried with them honestly but i also need to think about my children and how they feel,
my children adore my husband and think of him as father more than their own father, which they see regularly, and my husband will tell you himself he has a better relationship with my children sorry if i sound selfish but they are step-children from hell

I despise being a step-parent. It would be different if I adored my husband but I do not. We are staying together for the sake of our child. My stepdaughter has no sense of reality -- she is only nice to me when she needs me. But otherwise she makes no conversation, esp at dinnertime. She only wants her father's attention - he still puts her to bed and she is at an age where she is almost able to drive. The lack of eye contact & communication, lack of responsibility around the house, and only sometimes says thank you it is frustrating to say the least. I have certainly tried to build a relationship but am not going to try anymore. It is not appreciated. I have to try to maintain a decent relationship for her because my child adores her as big sis but I am counting the days until she leaves the house. We have her 4 nights a week and I am so happy the days that she is not there. The posts have been very helpful to have no expectation and to focus on the positive. But being a step-parent is really the worst and my husband is only marginally supportive.

I need to know and have some sanity. I have a 24 year old stepdaughter. His relationship with his daughter is great. I have been married now for three years and If i knew that dealing with a SD was this hard I would have thought twice before marrying him. Don't get me wrong I love my husband, but when she comes over and visit I am miserable. His total undivided attention goes to his daughter. He is not the same person when she comes and visits for the weekend. He baby's her and does anything she wants. He says he wants to make her feel like our home is her home. She is not a little girl anymore and to me I feel that when she visits she should respect our home. She takes over the entire house. She lays down on the couch and watches TV the whole weekend. She takes over the TV. My husband lets her, but when she is gone the TV is his again. I never can watch what I want on TV since during the week the tv belongs to him. Where I am getting at is that he treats her like the queen of England and anything she wants she gets. If only I got that treatment! If I happened just to dispict her take over and change the tv then she gets up and goes in our room and watched tv there laying on my bed. I find this so disrespectful! He thinks is okay for her to take over the entire house because he wants her to feel at home. He tells me that I am jealous of his daughter. If I say something he gets mad at me so I can't really tell him how I feel. When she comes over and stays with us over the weekends I feel out of place and like I do not have a home. He cooks for her and gives her what ever daddy's little girl wants. I have 3 sons from a prior marriage and they treat my house with respect because they know they are welcome anytime, but they also know that this is the parent's home. They don't come over and take over the place. Is it me or what is wrong? I don't feel jealous like he tries to instill in my brain, just want my privacy respected and want her to feel welcome, but not take over my home. I feel that she does most of the stuff to aggravate me because she know it does and to try in some sort of way to let me know who is in charge! Please advise! I need help!!!!

This is going to sound light compared to other people, but it is how I feel.
I really don't like my 14 year old step-daughter. It is now bordering on hate.
We are very different people.
She is very money orientated and shallow. All she wants is to be famous and spend her time on MySpace. I have had the conversation about what fame is etc. but no avail.
My wife and step-daughter tell me that I am only trying to get her (step-daughter) into trouble, because I found out her and her friends were getting "weed" for people and a few other things.
My wife and I get on really well when she is not around, but when she is around there is usually some tension. I am now thinking of "checking out" emotionally with the step=daughter. I will still do the things I have to do, but no more than that.
Really I want to tell my wife how I feel. Can you say I hate your daughter to wife? It would be a weight off to voice that, but........

I agree. I have no problems other than I really don't like my step-daughter. I feel bad. I have been her "Step-father" for 6 years now, but I feel nothing, and I know she is just using me for what I can do. I cook, clean, pay for stuff, do homework etc. but can have no say in things eg, time in, discipline etc. I feel like a nanny.
I even hate who I become around her and my wife. Wow, should I just leave? Problem is they wouldn't survive, and I'm not being dramatic.

I have read your stories and I am so relieved by the stance I took even though for sometime I questioned if what I did was really a good thing. After dealing with being ignored, the lying, the fake attitude in front of her dad and his attitude towards me when SD was around I finally put my foot down.

I told him either me or her. I was not going to be treated that way by no one and not especially by his little 14 year old girl. Needless to say for several months things were tense and of course she did everything she could to make him feel guilty. Which in turn he tried to put on me. But what I told him was she was his daughter and his problem. If he wasn't going to talk to her or force her to respect me then anything dealing with her would be his problem and his problem only.

He can go spend time with her and talk to her whenever he wants, but it is done away from our home. By the way, we are also expecting a child and I have a 12 year old daughter. When she lost her control of manipulating me, then she no longer had any interest in her father. He calls her to try to spend time with him and she doesn't take his calls. She doesn't let him know what is going on in her life. He will text her about events going on and she doesn't response. But better believe it, we do hear from her on her birthday and christmas. However, I have found its easier to give her some money and send her own her way.

This approach may not work for everyone, but it worked for me and I do not feel guilty about it one bit. Plus, my marriage is a whole lot better and even now he has the attitude that when she wants something she will call. There just comes a time that you have to pick your battles and back down from the ones that cause you insanity. Good luck to all of you and I hope you find your own level of peace one day.

How I sympathize with people on here.

I too am sitting here thinking I'm going crazy.

My stepson who is now 18 has lived with us for 3 years after an argument with his mum and stepdad.

He arrived on our doorstep one evening and made it quite plain he intended to stay.

From day 1 he made it quite clear that he did not want me around (although his dad will say that is not true!).

I have 2 children from my first marriage and I tried my best from bringing them up from a young age on my own, to instill right and wrong values into them. I am proud to say they are both well balanced kids whom I am very proud of.

When my stepson moved in with us at 15 he starting seeing a girl of 13. She would come to our house on a regular basis and they would be laid down in the conservatory petting with one another in full view of everyone.I felt very uncomfortable with this but it did not seem to bother my husband.

we then turned the garage into a bedroom for him (Nice new everything) and he used to take this young girl in there with him and bolt the door! (Again didn't feel comfortable with this but not a problem to my husband!

He has posted photographs of himself on our family computer (completely naked) which I found unacceptable when they were visible for my 2 younger children to see.

He has said that money has gone missing from his room and my husband has asked me if I knew anything about it! (This hurt me so much as I would never dream of stealing.

The relationship with the 13 year old girl broke down because her parents saw my stepson as being too manipulative. This happened about a week before me and my husband were due to go on our first holiday abroad together! We had booked a villa with its own pool but as my stepson was so upset about the break up with this girl my husband said he could come along and bring a friend. I didn't complain I would have done the same for my children.

I feel I have treated him with nothing but kindness and he has thrown it all in my face.

He recently started seeing another girl who was 15 at the time. He had wanted her to come in his room which was allowed a couple of nights a week but he was always pushing the boundaries. My daughter and I spent a night away from home and I came home to discover that my husband had allowed my stepsons girlfriend to spend the night here with him and sleep together. I'm quite broad minded but I was furious at this as my husband knew how I felt about it. I tried to make him understand that this was opening the door for my 2 to think it acceptable to do this.

One night it all came to a head and my stepson and I had words. He stormed off and told his 2 brothers a pack of lies saying I'd said we didn't want him here etc. As a result I have had texts from both of his older brothers, very offensive f.....in and so and so.

My husband cannot see where my anger is coming from. These boys have not even given me a chance to give them my side of the story.

I feel so let down mostly by my husband who I feel has done nothing to defend me.

I am now the truly wicked stepmum, a title I really don't feel I deserve.

I have been reading the posts here and I must say that I am finding most of them difficult to understand. I, too, am a stepmother with two stepdaughters who have been extremely difficult and caused problems but I have never allowed myself to be such a victim of the situation as I have read here over and over again!
I totally understand all of your frustrations and hurts...I went through them, and still do to some extent. But, I also feel good enough about myself and I also had a great support system with regards my family and friends that I didn't allow myself to become so overwhelmed and consumed by the whole situation.
My family life: I am American and married a European man with two daughters (13 and 15). I also have two children (at the time were 8 and 9), a son and a daughter. I moved to Europe and my son came with me (the father refused to allow my daughter to come and she is still there to this day). I have been married now for over 5 years and we, together, have a 4 year old son.
From the beginning the ex and the girls caused major problems. For the record, much of this was my husband's fault since he did not establish clear boundaries when he and his ex were divorced (about 6 years before we were married, and before that they were separated for about 3 years). I mean they shared the same phone number (you could look in the phone book and their names were together), she lived in the apartment right above him and the kids (he had physical custody of the girls), the took occasional vacations together, shared a car together, etc. All this was done with the idea of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids. What it did was cause a major mess since even though the parents had not been together for a number of years, the kids were so used to this 'family' arrangement that any woman that dated their father was a threat, just as if the parents were actually married.
So, this is the situation that I was confronted with when I packed up my life in the States and moved to a totally different country. And to top it all off, my husband had led me to believe that everyone would welcome him getting remarried again or that it wasn't that big of a deal.
So, I move here after the wedding, and all hell breaks loose. The kids refuse to meet me, the mother starts about how upsetting all this is to ''the children'', the kids don't have to have contact with me just their father. Letters were written, emails sent, calls made demanding this, demanding that.
The kids (whose mom is British and are bilingual) refused to speak English in front of me knowing that I had not yet learned the language. No eye contact, complaints to their dad, etc.
The oldest daughter became bulimic, which, of course, was my and the father's fault. The youngest was becoming suicidal, yadda yadda yadda.
Through all this, my husband and I fought like cats and dogs. He came from a family where the white elephant is standing in the room and no one comments on it, whereas I am direct and deal with the problem, get it over with and move on.
We had a few family meetings with just us and the children, of which the mother would call later and demand that we (read...me, the stepmother) stop interfering in ''the children's lives''.
The daughters were quite manipulative, especially the older one since she was the one who was the ''wife figure'' when the father was single. They discussed everything together and she couldn't and wouldn't understand that was never her role and it certainly was no longer now that I was in the picture.
So, the kids started playing around with their visitation with us. They decided to move in with the mom and would show up sometimes and sometimes not. No calls, no show of respect. They would call the cell phone of the father and only talk to him and if I answered were very short and not too pleasant.
The oldest one would send me text messages on my cell phone, pretending that she mixed up the numbers with me and her father. The messages were never to me, always addressed to her father talking about how much she missed him and loved him and how she couldn't wait to see him again.
To my husband the kids were supposed to be put first and they were so fragile and things were his fault and on and on and that's why he couldn't take a stand and be firm with them. He said it was a cultural thing, it was just one excuse after another.
Finally, things came to a head, we separated a few times and had a major break-out row and he said that he wanted to send me back to the States until his daughters were finished growing up!
I refused. I said that this was my home, I made just as many sacrifices, if not more, and that I wasn't going anywhere. This was an awesome chance for my son to experience and learn new languages and cultures and I was not going to have him miss out and I wasn't going to miss out just because three females had an attitude!
I started keeping myself occupied...I went and did things that made me feel good...new clothes (the shopping in France and Italy is to die for!), going on trips (ever been to Sardinia in the spring..beautiful!), facials, pedicures, hairdressers, etc.
I sat down and asked myself what did I want out of this situation. Is my marriage worth saving...(yes!)? So, I concentrated on the good things and tried (which was extremely hard at times) to minimize the bad.
When the kids came over, I made myself scarce or I sat around, whichever I felt like doing. I didn't worry anymore if it made them feel comfortable or not. There were times when I felt like the odd man out, but I got through it and they (my husband included) had to deal with the fact that I wasn't going anywhere. My husband felt uncomfortable showing affection in front of his daughters (they were ''too fragile to see their father kissing another woman'') I held his hand and kissed him if I felt like it.
When his kids stepped out of line, I reminded them that we have rules in the house and they are expected to deal with them like any other place. They would refuse and try and test to see if they would be enforced, but I was strict with it and my husband allowed me to be the hard-liner and then later he backed me up.
My husband does not like confrontations, hates them, and if he can bend over rather take a firm step he will do it. But, he also can't stand to live with tension, and I let him know from the get-go that if he didn't set some rules up and stick with them there would be some major tension to live with.
I also picked my battles. If I told the kids to do something and they wouldn't (their thing was to not a say a word and this was my husband's cue to go and do it), I stood and insisted. In other situations if my husband did it for them, go ahead, he was the one that was going to be tired at the end of the evening ripping and running and with no gratitude for all the work.
I also made good use of my time when his kids were not around. I wined and dined that man and treated him so good that when his daughters later threatened to never see him again (yes, this was even after he would bend over backwards pleasing them, obviously it was never enough) if they didn't get things their way, he had a little more backbone to stand and say ok then, end of relationship.
Of course, that didn't last and after more and more drama from them and the mother what do I have to this very day? I have two stepdaughters...20 and 18 who don't work, not in school (the youngest is in some sort of internet school) but still get child support from my husband. They just recently started talking to him again after saying they wanted to take a break for a year with no contact. A letter was recently written by one saying how she will never get over the fact that he got married and that I have everything they should be having.
But, what I also have is a husband who backs me totally and is very supportive of me when it comes to dealing with his kids. I learned (the hard way) that it is best to keep your mouth shut when discussing his kids. He already knows quite plainly how bad his children are. And if they are as bad as what I have read here others on the outside can line up and testify that they are horrible.
Do not put more into the emotional account than you are willing to lose. You are a stepparent, you do not have the emotional savings to fall back on when things go sour like the biological parent does. They have good memories (although it seems hard to believe at times) but you don't. Establish who you are, that you are not going anywhere and live your life. If you have to live a life that is separate from him and his children as regards the emotional aspect, so be it. That way, when you receive your ''nothing'' that we stepparents usually do, it won't hurt so much because you haven't invested so much in the beginning.
I hope that I didn't offend anyone, only trying to help. I am also very sorry for how long this is.

i am so glad i found this site i hope you can give me some advise or commets on what to do, i have a step daughter 17 years old. i met her
dad 4 years ago and all was great, me & her got along perfectly and she & my daughter liked one another. its all changed since me and her father got married last year, she now calls me a bitch and my daughter a whore be hind our backs of course. when she comes to our house she hangs on her father asks him if he can rubb her back or comb her hair,scratch her back or if he would like her to do it to him. i told him it does not look right that she lifts her shirt up in front of him and that when she sleeps over at our house she trys to lay down in bed with him shes too old for that. he always is telling her not to do this but she still continues to do so. as for me she never includes me in any family photos and ahs gone as far as to ask me to step out of the photo, that its just for family, my husband yelled at her and told her to take pictures of me and my daughter , but i told him not to because if she does not want to its fine by me. me & my husband have a great marriage, we love one another very much. we ride motorcycles together and when she rides on the back with her father she will rub his upper thighs and back with her finger tips, like a woman in love, it makes me sick to see
her touching her father like that, he tells her to stop and she begins to pout as if she was a baby. her 18th birthday is coming and i have always been very giving to her, but i just dont have it in me anymore she has treated me & my daughter terribly! what should i do??
please help!

I would like to vent that I have to have the messiest step-daughter ever. Her room is disgusting, I have to tell her to get a bath 500 time, and she wears dirty clothes. The biggest 2 problem I have are throwing dirty and clean clothes on the floor and leaving candy wrappers all over along with empty glasses or pop cans in her room.
When I try to talk to my husband it is a lost cause and we argue. I can't believe he wants me to leave her room alone. I am so upset I just had to vent. Any advice or help is welcome.

Patricia

I have read thru 2 pages of comments, and will also say it is comforting to know that I too, am not alone. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs, and dated for 3 yrs. He has 2 adult children,a daughter, 38yrs old, and a son, 37yrs old. I have 3 "now adult" children, a son 29, and 2 daughters, 26 and 20. My youngest was only 8 when we started dating. I am his 3rd marriage, he is my 2nd. Bill has been always incredibly close to his daughter. Her mother kept leaving the family, reportedly to "find herself," and when Kelli was 15yrs old, left for good. During her dad and miy dating years, I heard alot from her about how dysfunctional her mom was, and how evil his second wife was. Kelli was so thankful that finally her dad had found someone she approved of. She had told him that he needed to marry me. She also helped him pick out my engagement/wedding band. She was embracing of my 2 older kids, at that time, 18 and 16, but was open to me about not liking my youngest, then 8. BUT, she thought it was due to her being jealous of her, and the fact that she had a mommy, and Kelli didn't. She assured me that she and her husband(she'd been married 5yrs) would really work on accepting Ashley, and Kelli was sure the jealousy would go away after we were married, because she would then have a mommy too. How stupid and gullible I was. Immediately after marrying her dad, the battle began. Her calls to her dad wer nonstop. She filled his head with ideas that my kids were horrible. She didn't like the friends they chose,(the friends were nice, humble kids)how they dressed for church, where they sat in church, how Ashley clung to him, etc. There was absolutely nothing they could do right. But, if she needed a babysitter, all of a sudden she was nice to them. Haylee and Ashley would rearrange their schedules to accommodate her "want." They literally turned themselves inside to to win her approval, without ever getting it, especially my youngest, Ashley. Always after, there would be a phone call from Kelli to her "daddy" filling his ears with how terrible a job my daughter had done, the house was left trashed, they had not done what she asked,etc. At first, I was of the mindset that she must be right. I never thought that her motives were devious. My husband would come to me with her complaints, then I'd of course ask my daughters about it. If they were not doing what they were supposed to, then they were accountable. Consistently, Kelli's version never check out, and her excuse was that she just needed to vent, and that was why she exaggerated. There was never an apology to my girls or to me, always just an excuse. It didn't take me long to catch on. I tried talking to my husband about her destructive behavior, but he was and continues to be very defensive in her behalf, and gets this look of disdain in his eyes for me that I'd even dare to think that there was anything but "perfect" regarding his "tiger." (his pet name for her) Whenever there has been any conflict between Kelli and myself, he openly stands by her side in support, and I am always the bad guy. She makes public profession of how he has been, and always will be her hero, she can tell him ANYTHING, and he can tell her ANYTHING(they are each others best friend, confidant, even going to each other for marital advice.) Bill could not understand how I could feel betrayed and "raped" when he went to his daughter for advice on what product he and I should use for personal lubrication. This was after she and I were already having issues. He brought home the product and said, "Kelli said we should try this." I came unglued, and again, was the bad guy for being offended. This summer my oldest daughter, Haylee, got married. And you guessed it, Kelli made her nasty self known. My husband, so as not to betray her, was indifferent towards any plans for the wedding. He protested even standing when Haylee walked down the isle. That was the last straw for me having any respect for him. He has no backbone when it comes to his daughter. She goes ballistic if he does not do what she says, and if he does not take her point of view. She has married a man who also has no backbone, and takes her verbal abuse meekly. She and her dad are in practice together, and of course, she bears no financial responsibility, taking all of her money home, while we struggle to keep the practice going.
she went thru a "planned bankruptcy," taking credit card after credit card, maxing each out, hoarding copious amount of cash from the ones that provided you with checks, and when she had stashed thousands and thousands of dollars, then she and her husband declared bankruptcy. And of course, my husband excused her. This is a woman out of control. She and her husband now have 3 kids, and another one on the way. I am their grandmother, and love them dearly, and they me. The 6 yr old girl comes to me for consolation from time to time, voicing her hurts. She is the middle one, and somewhat forgotten. Her little sister is looks and personality wise, a spitting image of her mommy, and the jewel of the family. Tay will say things like, "daddy didn't want another baby, but mommy did, and "mommy always gets her way." Or, "It makes me sad when mommy screams at daddy for something he didn't do, and I say that I did it so he won't get into trouble." I would separate myself from all of this in a heartbeat, but my own children do not want me divorced again, and since they are all older now, can put the "evil stepsister out of their lives." And my girls are wise enough to know that the grandkids need a grandma. In searching for help in "blended family" dynamics, I came across the defination, "emotional incest," and it defines my husband and Kelli's relationship precisely. Has anyone read "The Emotional Incest Syndrome" by Dr. Patricia Love? I need help, encouragement, and all the advice I can get to be able to make this marriage work. Has anyone out there had a similar experience, and how did you work thru it? Thanks for wading thru this with me.

Joy

I've been married now for 4 years and have a 13 year old step-daughter. Is it normal to have an anniversary and go out to dinner to a very nice restaurant with your husband (every year!) and TAKE your step daughter????? To me, that isn't normal. Or am I just a romantic that thinks there is a time and place for kids? How do I address this issue? He sees nothing wrong with this since he only sees her every other week. Pleeease Help.

I have been married for only 15 months and I feel like my 14 year old SD in trying to make me look so bad to my husbands ex-wife and his whole family. My husband is not supportive of me when I comfront him about these problems. She tells her mother and my husbands mother that I am mean to her and I pick on her. I feel I am nothing but nice to her and give her compliments. I tried to have somekind of friendship/ bond with her I took her to get her hair done or her nails done and she goes home and cries to her mom and says I'm a B----
My husband ex-wife knows she is lying and tells me she doesnt believe her and my husband tells me that she says i nag her or leave her alone she has a bad life look her parents are divorced. If i ask her how are u doing? Im nagging. I cant even stand looking at her anymore she is rude, lazy and disrespectful. I tell my husband that I am happy she doesn't live with us. He says that Im too sensitive. I dont have any kids, she told me that she didnt need any sisters or brothers. I am begining to hate the holidays because every time I have to go to his families house I feel uncomfortable with her there. I know she talks crap about me his family makes me feel like an outcast. and she sits in the corner giving me dirty looks with her cousin. I am new at this I am so lost confused and hurt. somedays i wish she didn't exist. at this point I feel like no husband -no stepdaughter. I love him but dont know if its worth all this frustration. I am tired of all of it, all the dirty looks all of the badmouthing what do i do

I have been living in my home for 4 1/2 years with my new wife, her 17 year old daughter, my 19 year old son (Moved out on his own recently though, proudly), and for the last 2 1/2 years, her 30 year old daughter. Along with her came her new little boy (a total joy, but with a couple of problems). She is an ungrateful, undisciplined, self-centered person, with no ambition or goals, except to live off us for the remainder of our lives. Our retirement plans are now shot. Booting her out is not acceptable to anyone, as she has nowhere else to go. I've really had it.

I can not tell you how she can do NO wrong in her dads eyes. He is smart and stupid all at the same time. If she is talking she is lying! I was a spoiled daughter so I know all the tricks and she thinks she is doing something that I have not done but honey I got a good 20 years on her! It kills me to see her dad being so stuck on stupid when it comes to her. I swear everything she does wrong he will justify it and the worse part is I have 2 sons of my own that I discipline that see she is NEVER disciplined. If there is a rule she will break it cause she knows she can. There is no eating in the rooms for the last 4 years that I have been with her dad and she will even leave her door open just so I can see that she is eating in there cause she knows it dont matter. All conversation is directed to her dad as if me and my sons dont exist. I left him one time cause she was so rude to the boys who mind their own business and do nothing to her except go get her for dinner, school, the phone, when we are leaving. Its like we all cater to her and GOD forbid you say anything to her dad about it cause he will just reply that I am picking on her. Dont let me get started on the myspace that used to have regulations of no cursing, no gang relations, no invites of people you dont know.... Oh its all on there now and when you say something to her about it she will justify it as well cause that is all her dad does. I take her everywhere she needs to go and she wont even help me with a 2900 square foot home. One day I asked her to put up a grocery and she commented "I dont know where it goes" (mind you she is about 60 pounds over weight so we all know she knows where everything in the kitchen is) so I say "why not" she said "cause I have a maid that does all that" meaning me. That would be the day I stopped putting up groceries. She does her own laundry cause he buys her clothes on the low to keep from me knowing she is getting more than my boys, she will come home with 7 new shirts and say its left over lunch money! from what the 1st grade???WTH I cant take it! I love her dad to death but she is unbelievable!! And that is all just the tip of it!

After reading some of the post I realize that I am not alone, in the battle with the SD monster. My SD is 16 and she is the epitome of the words, lying, cheating, rude, disrespectful, and all the other words that describe horrid behavior.

Her father and I have been together for 11 years, she come into my life at the same time, he had custody since her and her sister were 2 years old. She has not had contact with any other mother figure in her life but me, but when it come down to the bones of the matter she has tried everything in her power to come between her father and me. I am the bread maker of the family, making the bulk of the family income. She gets up on her high horse and very rudely informs me on a weekly, and daily basis that my roll is to earn the money and get her what she wants and to take care of the house and everything else. When I stand my ground and tell her "no" she runs to "Dad" and tells him that I have been mean, hit, and cursed her and he yells at me and then he gives her what she wants. Even thought he knows that she is lying to him, he says it will keep the peace to let her have her way, that its just easier. He now wants to give her my second car, and I am not wanting to do that, the only thing that stops him is that all the cars we own are in my name "my maiden name" and I refuse to sign the title over to the little wretch. Which is causing issues between her Dad and me, but everyone on his side of the family is seeing the difficulties with her and is doing their best to help, if only he would listen and she would get her act cleaned up. But on the other hand the other child is not treated this was, truly the Cinderalla Story.

She keeps threating to move out just to upset her Dad, so she can get her way. But, God help me, I am telling myself, hurry up move out and don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way.
I know that I as and adult should not feel that way, but she is making my life unbearable and the lives of all those around her. I could give a laundry list of the events and troubles in the home and out side the home "yes, law", but I haven't that much time right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I have a 17 year old step-daughter that is very hateful and disrespectful. She lives with us full time and the week before last her Dad was in the hospital. She would not go see him unless it was for money or to tell him that I was being mean to her. I kept the whole house up including her laundry and did everything in my power to make sure she had what she needed and wanted. Now her Dad is home and just getting back to work and she is being hateful to both of us. She will not and never has lifted a finger to help around the house or do her own laundry, so I have stopped doing it as well. I think I have enough to do in keeping the rest of the house up. I work a little more than full time and my husband works 2 jobs and believe its only fair that she help out. My husband will not say anything to her about it because she just blows up and makes everything miserable for us, plus I think he is scared of her, and her very dysfunctional mother for that matter. I have tried to have a good relationship with her but no matter what I do it always comes back to haunt me in one way or another. I never say anything negative about her Mom even though the fact that she isnt helping us out with child support or anything else is making it very tough. This has been an ongoing problem from day one pretty much and I am about at the end of my rope with her and my husband, like I am ready to start filing divorce papers if things dont change! This is only a small part of the story, but the rest isnt any better! Does anyone have any suggestions!?!?!? I just dont know what to do anymore and I really dont want to get divorced because I know after she turns 18, if she ever gets a job, (currently refuses to work- just like her mother) things might get better when she moves out of our house. Please help!!!!

I really have a lot to say, but I won't. I just want to let everybody know that it doesn't stop when "they" leave the house. My husband's two daughters and ex-wife are into our business 24 and 7. The older daughter was already gone when we got married. Even though she is married with her own child on the way, she has been a large part of our problem since day 1 and has been allowed to cause turmoil ever since day 1. The younger child lived with us very briefly because she is the terror of all terrors. Every story I have read on here describes her completely, so if I were to share my stories, it would be all repeats. Well, even though both are "gone", their influence still runs rampant through my home daily. We are bombarded with phone calls by them both and emails and blogs etc etc. Even their mother, the ex wife still calls almost daily and encourages her girls daily to do the same. My husband does nothing and just allows it all to filter into our relationship daily. We've only been married two years and it has been a living hell. I just wonder, DOES IT EVER END??

I love this man.My 12 year old son loves him very much.He is our hero.18 year old SD has ruined our relationship.Her friends Mom`s family and anyone close to her hates my guts.Every fight we have had is about her or one of her friends.Husband told her to keep certain friend away because i was jealous.Now that friend flirts with my man so does her Mother.Their entire family hates this crazy jealous woman.The truth is it makes me sick and angry.To watch this flirting going on by a 15 year oldin my own "home"He does not discipline his daughter and we have many of the same problems listed above.I have tried so hard.I love her.Many of the things we go through are normal.For the sake of my husband and my son,my child and I are leaving.All of this has caused so much hurt.I give she wins.I will start again,let him be a permissive love filled Dad.I will raise my son the best I can on my own.

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he has 3 children (25,20 and 16) I have 2 children (21 and 17). His 25 year old is married in her 3rd year of medical school and expecting. My 21 year old is a junior in college and doing well. His 16 year old lives with us full time and doesn't see his mom much(she remarried and in addition to the 25,20 and 16 has a 6 and 4 year old from a second marriage. Then comes my 20 yr old SD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her father paid 20,000 for cosmetology school and she graduated last Augustand bought her a toyota Corolla so she could WORK. She also got pregnant last Jan and had a son in OCT. The baby is 7 months old and she hasn't worked since she got out of school last August. They lived with the boyfriends parents until Feb and got an apt (My Husband co signed the lease after his daughter and the boyfriend said they would both get jobs.) Well the boyfriend worked 25 hours a week (he didn't get a job until the baby was 2 months old)until 2 months ago and they have called every month cuz they are short on rent money. My husband said no until she called last month wanting 500$ for clothes to go out and get a job. He gave her 300(against my will) and she hung up on him and said if you don't want to help us fine CLICK...no thank you for the 300!!!
Well now they want my husband to foot the bill for a wedding and he said he would give them something small after they were more financially sound...and send them to St Thomas to our timeshare for a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well last week we got an invite to his daughters wedding that they are having at a friends house and the invite says BYOB(bring your own booze) classy eh!!!! We were not notified until we opened the invite !!!!!Guess what I am not going...Her mom pushed me at the 25 year olds wedding and I said then I will not expose myself to that behavior ever again!!!The daughter has always got what she wanted(My husband's ex got a hefty child support pment)and was spoiled rotten. His other two kids are very nice people. Not sure what happened. Don't think I am wrong not to go to wedding. P.S. I have had 6 years of total hell with the ex and this kid this is just our most recent occurance!!!HELP

I have been with my husband for eleven years and married for 9. When
we married he had four children with his first wife ,three girls one boy. We met while he was separated from his wife. We had a baby girl together before we were married. We were supposed to marry soon after I was pregnant, but he didn't marry me until our daughter was a year old. He always told me we would. I lived with my mom the whole time while he went back and forth from where he was living three hours away and to the house of his ex wife were he said he was staying on the weekends just to be with the kids. I will never really understand the situation. Or why I accepted this for myself or my daughter. The day of our marriage he brought his 8 year old son to live with us full time with his 10 year old daughter to follow in two weeks. Their mother no longer wanted them as he told me because she said they were too bad. She later showed me she was a very bitter angry woman why I really never knew why from her. He always said because she was jealous always of even the kids. I couldn't believe a mother could no longer want two of her four children. Well needless to say it was not very easy for me I was 24 years old and my husband 32 years old so I figured it wouldn't be that hard because he had experience I thought with raising children. He always spoke of how sweet and kind his children were. So I thought everything would be allright. The day of our marriage, just a simple service. My husband held onto his son the whole time. My husband placed him in the middle of us the whole time thru the marriage ceremony. I was so hurt. Keep in mind our one year old daughter was in the back ground. six or so feet away He never asked for her to be a part of it. When it was time for him to say his vows and put the ring on my finger he didn't even let go of his son to put the ring on my finger. I was very hurt but didn't say anything at the time because I didn't want him to be mad. He wasn't the best father to our baby before we were married. The first year of her life I had to beg him to come visit her. While he was in town visiting his other children. I could and still do not understand why. But he told me everything would change and he would no longer treat us like that anymore. The first week of our marriage my step son slept in the middle of me and my husband in our bed. I told my husband this was wrong over and over until after a week he told him he would have to sleep on a pallett holding his daddys' hand. At the time I thought this was just new to him and perhaps he was scared. Then after the first week he started being mean to me and our infant daughter. So i realized it was more to it and that he was competing with me and our daughter for his fathers' attention. My husband worked 14 hour days so it left me in charge of the children. At this time his 10 year old daughter The oldest of his four children came to live with us also. At first she was nice also, but quickly within a weeks time they both started putting their heads together to cause problems. They never wanted my husband to show affection to our daughter or to me. So he really did not do it much when they were around and when he did they became angry. He was able to show them affection and use terms of endearment around me, our daughter was really too young to understand. I remember times were she would be crawling on him and he wouldn't acknowledge her. I would question why he wouldn't hug or kiss us in front of them and he would say i was over reacting. Boy have i heard that alot in nine years of our marriage! I have always felt like they have never truly wanted us to be a family. I have heard so many things from them when they were children from I hate you, I hate her meaning our daughter together. She is 10 years old now. She doesn't really know her father. Because I feel like they never had that time to bond. I have been called a whore, told there father still loved their mother and was just using me to get a green card. I have dealt with my stepdaughter peeing and pooping on herself and leaving the mess if her underwear and I would clean them. She did this until she was 16 years old. I thought she had a problem but i soon realized she didn't do it when she was around her friends or at school. After she stopped doing that it went to leaving her sanitary napkins in her under and i would wash her clothes and discover them or she still leaves them on the bathroom floor. She is now 19 years old and my stepson is 18 the first of september. I have gotten my husband his green card through our marriage and now I am the petioner for my two step children. I was more than willing. I have always wanted them to love me. I have grown tired of trying. My husband as never corrected at of his own actions. Only because I have asked him too because they will not listen to me. We now have a 10 year old daughter and a 3 year old daughter together. We now have his 14 year old daughter. We got her when she was 7 from their mother also, because she no longer wanted her. I knew it would be so hard to take on another one, but I couldn't leave her. She came to me with bruises on her and told me she wasn't being fed. So I asked her mother would she give her to me and she signed over paperwork. I took her that day and her mother never wanted to speak to her again. It was somewhat difficult with her at first. Not compared to my other stepchildren. She did not hate me, she was not bitter, she never said horrible things to me. She lied and i would try to correct her on that and my husband would argue with me and tellme I was making her lie because I didn't want to hear the truth. She knew her lying about hurting our toddler daughter at the time( they all did this to her Pinch her, throw things at her, purposely hit her in the head amonst other things. All of which I tried to correct without much help from my husband. He would call me a liar. One day she was lying and he was arguing with me because I was correcting her. And she just looked up at him and said daddy I am lying. I was so relieved because she wanted to be better. He got so angry and shouted at me. Years later she told me that he told her he would never protect her again. So since she was nine she too has become a target for their anger or munipulation. As of right now my almost 18 year old is kicked out the house because he was shouting at me and talking down to me because I simply asked him if he turned the radio station. I then approached him and asked him to treat me with respect because I am his momma. He continued to be ugly and clenched his fist to me so I went to slap him and he grabbed my arm and disslocated it. His father was in the bedroom lying down because his back was hurt. I couldn't move I was screaming. My husband never got up to check on me. Then once i popped the arm in the socket I went to our bedroom were my step son already gave him his version of the truth. Once again he believed him and it was my fault. I told my husband that I would no longer accept this for me and our two girls and my 14 yearold step daughter who I will soon be adopting because she has asked me too and I am honored. So he was then mad and kicked my stepson out of the house as usual not because he was wrong but because of me! I told him I could no longer live like this. We were gone for a week. My stepson and step daughter have called me and my three children ugly things, have hit on the girls, pushed them. They are also ugly to my husband, but they will not push it to the point of no return with him. We came back after a week because my husband said he would no longer allow us to be treated like this. My 19 year old step daughter has admitted during these past weeks that she has caused problems all along because she said she wanted to be the center of her dads' attention. We are now home for three weeks and she has not changed like he said would happen it is only worse. And he wanted to bring my stepson home. In fact he did while me and the three yougest girls stayed with my momma for four days because she had eye surgery. I told him I would not return with him there because i did not feel safe for my children or myself. So he told him he had to leave because I didn't want him here. I have since told my 19 year old soon to be 20 years old that she had to be out in two weeks, because she has been stealing the girls things and mine and has stole my online accountin which she went on all kinds of sites and set up accounts with my online account and busted ny password on my computer one more time and causing bad fights between her father and I. I am no longer sleeping in the room with my husband we hardly talk . He has told me I have never really been a mother to my stepson and stepdaughter. And that he feels like I have really never loved them. I have raised them and always been there for them even when he wasn't but none of them think so. They need to leave our home because they are both grown and I need to see if we can try and save our marriage. Although I don't know if it is possible. He has told me he is tired of trying to please me but he would like to stay married for the sake of our younger children. I don't really know what to do anymore. My main concern right now is to protect my three younger children from my stepdaughter while she remains in the home. They both work with him at a restuarant. He is the manager. He drives them back and forth to work and so forth. So he will still get to see them almost everyday. I don't understand why he dislikes me so much and has allowed them to be this way. He stands up for himself when they are ugly to him. So to all of you step parents I know what you are going through and I wish I could give you good advice that works but I can't. Only pray that you don't let them make you as bitter and ugly as they are and to give you guidance. Most importantly realize you can not change it if it has been going on for too long and if you don't have the love and support form your spouse. Know that you are not alone because up until two hours ago I thought I was. Until I read these things. I hope to hear any comments from anyone.
thank you

I am so glad I found this site!! Just reading everyone's comments makes me feel like I am not alone and my feelings are so justified.
My husband and I have been together for 21 years. We have 2 children together. 17 & 12. I also have a stepdaughter (22) and a "foster daughter" (27). FD is my stepdaughter's older half sister. My husband has been the father figure in her life since she was 4. We raised my SD and FD from the time they were little, due to the fact the bio mom "didn't want to me a mom anymore" and spent most of her time introducing the girls to their future stepfathers. It was a very sad situation. We have been the SD & FD stability. We raised the girls with our children and never treated any of the kids any differently. I have always been there for the girls through the crying moments when bio mom hurt their hearts. For the most part (with the exception of the yuck teenage years) we have been really close. Many many times, I bit my tongue when it came to their bio mom, even when their mom didn't have nice things to say about me. I was the one with the strong shoulders when they had a crisis in their lives. My SD and I have a wonderful relationship and I cherish it with all of my heart. My FD on the other hand is a very selfish self centered person and never comes around except for Christmas and birthdays. In front of other family members, she treats and acts as if my husband is her father and all is a happy family. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't feel the same. Let me back up for a moment. Although my husband loves our FD, her mother has always really pushed my huband into that role. her mother and my husband were together (never married) for 3 years and has "guilted" my husband into the father role. I know that sounds really shallow on my part, but it is truly not meant to sound that way. My husband is a very good man and would have taken her into our family no matter what...because we had a better lifestyle for the children. So there are no regrets as far as that is concerned. Okay, now that I've given you the beginning of the 21 years. LOL I recently really had my feelings hurt by the FD which whom recently has gotten married.
During the planning of the wedding, it was me that she called for advice. It was me that was there for her during the shopping for dresses and colors and flowers. it was me that she called crying because her mom didn't seem interested in her wedding at all. it was me that help plan her bachlorette party and bridal shower. it was me that was in the back of the church busseling dresses, doing hair, etc. But yet, I am always forgotten. btw - I am not looking to be the marter here either. When it came time for pictures, my FD didn't ask to take pictures of our family, including our children. When it came time to take pictures of her sisters, she left my daughter out totally. She wanted a picture of my husband (he was walking her down the isle) and her mom with her. That was fine with me, but she didn't even consider taking a picture with me or with "our family" and her. The only reason she had a picture taken with her and I, is because my mother shouted it out. When she called me up for the picture, it was like "come on then, if you want the picture so bad". My daughter (17) really had her feelings hurt and so did I. My SD even noticed my FD selfishness at the wedding and was pretty upset with her, but I asked her not to say anything to her sister.
It truly hurt my feelings and really I just don't want to do anything for her anymore. I'm tired of going out of my way to please her and always having my feelings compromised. But because I feel that way, I feel like I'm acting like a mad teenage girl. My husband isn't the type of guy to step in the way and let her know that it really hurt my daughter and I, and I don't expect to ever share my feelings with her. Right now, I feel very selfish, but ya know what...I've always been the one there and I'm just now sure I really want to do that anymore. She'll EXPECT me to be there again at Christmas and birthdays, and I just don't think I can do it any more. She is not a tender 13 year old girl anymore...She is a 27 year old woman and could find support from someone else from now on. I would love to hear your feedback. Am I just being ridiculous? or are my feelings justified? UGH I am so frustrated and feeling very underappreciated.
SO SORRY FOR MAKING THIS SO LONG!

I am a stepparent, and I have been for ten years. I have always given my all for my two-step kids, now 15 yr boy and 19 yr girl. My stepdaughter is the absolute definition of manipulation. Her mother refuses to see this, here is a prime example. Nikki, our daughter, had a car her biological Father purchased for her, it was not a stylish car but who cares, it ran! Well she decided to buy a car from the Dealership because she did not like the car her Father bought her anymore. The vehicle she purchased was a 10,000.00-dollar Jeep Liberty (RED). She received a loan from her bank, I still don't know how the hell this was possible without a co-signer but my wife swears she didn’t co-sign. However, Nikki gets the car and of course, i am angry because i know eventually i am going to have to pay for this decision, one way or another! Sure enough, I did. Nikki SAID she didn’t realize that her tags were going to be extremely expensive; $479.00 expensive. So her mother cried and pleaded to me to help her out, that she was going to collage and she made a mistake (By the way she has a part time job and school is at a Community Collage where she has two classes a day, give me a break). I gave in, but believe me, not without fussing and fighting about it. So wouldn’t you know, not even two months after I dipped into my savings for her tags, her and her deadbeat boyfriend go and get tattoos on both their wrists, costing around a couple of hundred dollars for the artwork. I waited patiently to see what my wife's reaction would be as my step-daughter stupidly flaunted her body-art to her mother as boyfriend did the same...you guessed it, she said nothing except approval of how cool they looked! My jaw hit the floor, how freaken disrespectful you can possibly get? When I asked my wife later why she did not seize the opportunity to educate her daughter on applying some common sense in her spending decisions, especially when other people have been spending their hard earned money on something that if she would have just waited, she could have taken care of herself. My wife said she didn’t want to scare her away. I call bull carp on that, if the kid does'nt want to come around because we can not spend all of our money on her then don't come around...BRAT!!!I had already bailed Nikki out before when she decided at 18 years of age, that her and her boyfriend could make it on their own. Well they couldn’t, he had an affair no job and just flat lazy. She couldn’t afford the rent, by the way, they only lived there one month and couldn’t even pay the first months rent. Now this is right after she graduated and her mother, I, and grandpa gave her and her crappy boyfriend hundreds of dollars. I am so sick of this. I want her out but I do not want to destroy my marriage at the same time, please help me.

I can so associate with all of these comments. My husband and I have been married for 9 1/2 yrs now. I am a 47 yr. old Stepmom with no children of my own and of course, I could NEVER understand about being a parent who loves their children. That does not make me a stupid person, or someone who doesn't know right from wrong when it comes to parents who choose to be blind to their biological children's antics. Even at the ages of 26 and 22 yrs. old. Stepson was an ass from the beginning when he obviously was protecting his mother who was the one who had an affair with a co-worker and eventually refused to do any more counselling. (The son and daughter do NOT know why divorce occurred, but it is obvious that their mom bashes their father like he was the one who left, she has very low self-esteem, comes from a rich family background). So they divorced and we met and married 9-10 years later. SD was okay when we first married, but that changed in less than a year when she started high school, and oh yea, of course when she could NOT control me or run the house. Long story similar to others here, so I won't go into detail. College educations were totally paid for, they never had to pay a penny (very wrong, cannot appreciate it enough) the actual Christmas lists contains gifts wanting things that costs hundreds of dollars, yet SS and SD have jobs and they can always seem to have money for what THEY want to do and fly around to visit college friends. BUT somehow, we always seem to NEVER have the money to do what I might want to do. SD (Lisa) still calls her father "Daddy" and her biological mother "Mommy". Now I ask you, is this a 22 yr. old adult or child!? I can answer that one. Last year SD, SS (stepson), and SS's girlfriend (whom I dearly love, really) take father out for his birthday dinner. Lisa orders a meal with corn-on-cob. Lisa DOES NOT eat corn-on-the-cob, so at 21 yrs. old, a college senior, actually asks her dad to "cut" the cornoff the cob like she is a five year old and can't do it! He actually does this in the middle of a restaurant, I was so embarrassed that I had to look away. Now I ask any biological parent who has posted here. Don't you think that is all about getting the attention for herself even at the expense of self-respect? I was appauled! She acts all grown up around her friends, but when she is around her father, she reverts to being child-like and jealous of me. It makes me want to throw up my organs and intestines!! As most of you know, they act pathetically child-like but they NEVER do anything wrong and how could we as step-moms think of their daughters as anything less than the angels from Heaven. Now I will stop and say that I am a God-loving, God-fearing christian, and we have had christian counselling. That made no difference. My hudband and I were both asked to change some things in reference to HIS children, I did, He DID NOT, and even said so in counselling on the next appt. I actually said during our last fight, of course, just before the hoidays (2008) as usually, that the best thing his daughter could do was lose her virginity. That might actaully help her to grow up! Of course, my husband being a late bloomer in that department himself at the age of 24 (she is now 22) and a self professed "stay pure until married" person, my husband was shocked and said that he was proud of her being a virgin (not that he really knows for sure). Come on, ladies, we all can tell when someone female has lost her virginity and I told him as much. Your demeanor definitely changes. I told him that she might actually grow up a little and not treat my husband like her personal boyfriend and lover when this happens. Blah, Blah, Blah......I could go on forever. Just need to vent. Like, when we do go away for holiday, she ALWAYS calls "daddy" on HIS cell (the worst things every invented in my opinion because you have NO idea when all the calls can occur when you are NOT around), and asks (innocently of course) how it is going!? She can't STAND not being the center of attention. That conversation goes on for maybe a minute of so and then she spends the next 10 minutes (or longer) talking about herself. DUH!! You know ladies, how dare your husband spend money on his WIFE and NOT leave and save every penny for his offspring's inheritance even though they would deny that it is NOT about the money. BUT when she goes away for a trip (She lives in Atlanta about 2 1/2-3 hrs away from us now (Thank God in Heaven for that) her "daddy" does NOT call her to interupt her trips. It is WAY TO OBVIOUS how she can't stand NOT being the center of attention, even during my husbands family get togethers. If she is not, it is very obvious to me by way of her body language that she is NOT happy with that!! I made sure, thanks to a friend, that within a year of being married to him that we had a will made. Otherwise, ladies (at least in the state of South Carolina) the ex-wife can take HALF of everything her ex-husband leaves at death for herself!!! NO LIE. NO WAY was I going to be left without something after giving up everything when we got married to be treated like, oh yeah, you know, a pile of poop by his son and daughter and him (you all know how that goes). THE WICKED STEPMOTHER!! I have since told his daughter that I DO NOT like being called or introduced as her stepmother and she actually has complied and introduces me as her Dad's wife. Funny had she doesn't say her "daddy's" wife. Told ya! Only calls him daddy when she is around us! I think that she is actually a little afraid of me now. I told my husband and her that if she had a problem with me being the head female in the household, she needed to talk to God about that because I was not the one to ordaine that. God first, spouse next, then family. No matter if it is a blended family or total biological family together. I grew up with my biological mom and dad in the house and they were married until my father passed away with cancer. Not the most harmonious family (father had an affair) but they stayed together. My brothers and I are definitely neurotic, but we were taught to be independent and work hard. So game over. FREAKING GROW UP!

I am reading these post and can relate to many. My husband left his wife when his daughter was 4 months old and she was always easy to deal with until she turned to a teenager. We gave her a cell phone for her birthday this year and she uses it to text her mother when she is with us telling her how miserable she is and text us when with her mother begging for us to come and get her. Last night she has now decided she can not sleep alone because she is scared and made a big scene between me and my husband who in all his glory told her she could sleep with me. I do not find this appropriate and told him so in which he proceed to throw a fit a blow an air mattress up so she could sleep in my son's (18 years old) room. I am sure she will go home and play up to her mother how mean I am. No one seems to think this behavior is wrong. I had step parents grow up and my parents did not tolerate us playing games. Help. I am at my wits end with this girl.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. I have raised her daughter as my own since she was 4. Certainly her mother and I have gone through a great many trials, but have weathered the storm (of marriage) as I read many of you have (as we all do). My SD claims she hates me (what else is new), claims I am the cause of everything wrong with her, etc., etc. Her mother and I went through 2 seperations in the last 2 years, but in all of our marriage, this SD has been an issue. We've recently reconciled after 10 months of seperation and the SD is calling the shots (again). Her mother is worried she'll move out (as she has threatened) if I move back in. Her mother submits to her daughter as a child does to a mother. When the 3 of us are together, I am invisible. I was invited to dinner with them the other night, but may as well not even been there. I love my wife and she loves me. But when SD gets involved (as she always has been) things go awry. I've come home late from work to find SD in my bed! And when I took issue with this, it was my fault! When I found the SD's MySpace page (a 12 year old claiming she was 18) and thought the picture and post was innapropriate, I was the pervert! (She posed as if to kiss another girl). None of the good I have tried to do with this SD has accomplished what I had hoped. And of course her own father is not in the picture, and has not been for over 9 years. I feel like I'm getting the brunt of her hatred (rejection issues) for him. About a year ago, she told me that I wasn't her father. I agreed with her and asked her where her father was?!?! (I think he was in jail). Of course she ran off crying and I got the "I'm going to kill you later" look from her mother. But a person can only take so much abuse. It has felt like living in a blender, not knowing when SD will push the switch, causing me to have issues with her mother once again. I really want this relationship to work but don't know how to get my wife to put her foot down and get this SD to put up (move) or shut up (stop interferring with our marriage). And while I believe if she was gone this would solve my problem, it would only create one for my wife. I hate this situation. It's beyond my control. And though I've suggested on numerous occassions that we all seek counseling, my requests go out the door (as I may be required to do next). Like I said earlier, we've recently reconciled, about a month, and now the SD thinks we're taking it "too fast" and though I've been home, the SD thinks perhaps a "50/50" living arrangement would be best. This means I may get to stay there every other night, or on weekends, or ??? This is my wife!!! This is my life!!! How can this little $%*#@! continue to interfere with it? Why does her mother allow this? I also have 2 sons from a previous marriage, and while they do not live with me, you can guarantee if I was ever faced with a decision of wife or them, wife would win hands down! It's just wrong.

WOW-- I am there now and have been for 9 years-- I am 30 my stepdaughter is 17-- will be 18 in a few months and i can't wait!!!!!!! I have been with her father for almost 9 years now and she has lived with us the entire time. She has smoked, screwed anyone and stole anything that wasn't nailed down-- last year she decided to "divide and conquer" she went and told my husbands family that I hated them, thought they were trash ect...- his sisters believed her and we have not had a relationship since. Anyways-- her mother abandoned her and she has been able to use this to her advantage-- she plays the "poor pitiful me" role to a tee-- and she really does it well. I am sooooo fed up. I am ready to punch her in the face. After she went and told his family all of her lies, I washed my hands of her. I stopped all contact with her, I stopped doing her laundry, I no longer gave her rides anywhere, no longer took calls from the high school or the police when she got in trouble( which was very often), told her to talk to her dad any time she came to me about ANYTHING. I basically made her dad start raising his brat!! Well after about 6 months of this he decided he couldn't handle her and he put her in a home for kids who can't mind. Of course to his family--this was all my fault-- she nor her father had any role in it at all (even though I stopped having anything to do with her 6 months previously). She was in this home a total of 8 months and she ran away because "she couldn't deal with their rules"-- in other words she couldn't manipulate them into letting her do what ever she wanted!!! Well since she wasn't 18 yet my husband had to go get her and she is now back in our home. she has been here all of 3 weeks and I have honestly lost count of how many lies we have caught her in. We have tryed to work with her by letting her use one of our cars to get back and forth to work--- She has put 2000 miles on it in 2 weeks and has the nerve to look us in the eye and say the only place she has went is to work and back. We are getting used to the max by this manipulative little bitch!!! As I said earlier she will be 18 in under 2 months and I can't wait!! Oh and by the way just last night she cussed one of aunts like a dog because she would not let her use her car. This was one of the same aunts that believed her lies about me last year--- I am glad that they are finally getting to know their niece for the manipulating c**t that she is!!!!!! To all of the step mothers out there--I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!

I'm glad I found this site. My husband of three years has a 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. She and my husband
began a relationship after her divorce, however once she became pregnant, she ended up going back with her first husband! Needless to say testing was done and the child belonged to my husband. Over the years, this child has considered his stepdad as his "real" Dad. My husband gets to see his son
on holidays and 1-2 weeks during the summer.
When he is in our home, he treats my husband more like an uncle then his real dad
This child does not follow rules well and seems to want to visit just because he knows gifts or summer camp will be involved.
His mom claims that she has tried to explain to the child who his real Dad is but it seems like she or her husband have not made a true effort. My husband is a hard working decent man who takes care of his support payments and provides everything else this child needs but yet is getting delected to role of an "uncle" I do not have a close bond with this child but I try when he is with us to be a good stepmom. It is difficult given his behavior and the fact the he is not as close to my husband as he should be. Sometimes I feel that BM and her husband have been very opportunistic about the whole situation. My husband will need to go to court in order to get a firm visitation plan in place as one was never establised. In the meantime, I'm left wondering about how this whole situation will work out over the years. I would like for my stepson's behavior to improve and for him, my husband and I to have a closer
relationship. Any thoughts would be welcome.