How frustrating! I used to have the same problem with BF’s daughter, she’s 13 now. I knew complaining to BF wasn’t going to change anything, so I started doing after dinner clean up with her and showed her how we would like it done.

Dad used to give her a star on a chart every time she completed a chore (dishes, trash, whatever) and at the end of the month, he would give her the money. I didn’t think this was a good idea for many reasons. So, I suggested that when she had completed a chore CORRECTLY, he give her a star and at the end of the month, they go to the bank together and put the money in a savings account. Well, she didn’t really like this idea at first, but now she loves seeing the balance in her account increase every month, and every once in a while we let her take some money out to buy something she would like.

She’s very eager now to get her chores done RIGHT, because she knows if she doesn’t, she doesn’t get a star.

I don’t know if this is the best approach to take, but it seems to work.

Oh, and if he is afraid to touch the dirty dishes, do what I did, get him some dishwashing gloves.

Hey, this is the place to vent I understand exactly how you feel. As a kid growing up, my sister and I had daily chores to do and my parents would have NEVER thought to reward us. We did chores because they had to be done and it was our responsibility. Unfortunately, when you have a BM who just gives them things, your right, it’s nearly impossible to teach them the value of anything. In my case, BM doesn’t give her daughter much. But, she teaches her daughter to use people for whatever you can get. Dad is basically a walking wallet. BM does this in her own life and this is what her daughter sees. BM will not work. She has had two jobs in five years; one for about one month and the other for two weeks. She lives with her Mother and off her Mother. She waits for her CS, so she can buy what she wants. When she has a BF, she gets whatever she can from them including money, cars, cellular phones, etc. So, when you only have a child one day a week and every other weekend, it’s difficult to teach them what’s right. I just try to do the best I can with what I have to work with.

Can you put Hubby in charge of overseeing after dinner clean up? Hey, you did the cooking, so why not go do something for you and let him deal with it.

I find it so upsetting to hear you talk that way about your ss. I do not think that in this case he is any different than any other child as far as doing a poor job of chores. If you truely feel this way about him, he knows it. You can't hide those kind of feelings no matter how hard you try.

My sister and I were very young when our mother left our father. She left us behind too and we never saw her again until we were adults. My stepmom came in when I was five and my sister was four and because my sister looked just like my biomom she never had a chance. My stepmom was irritated with everything my sister did, even at such a young age when she did not know any better. My stepmom was never affectionate or sympathetic with my sister her whole life, she was in my opinion treated very horrible just because she looked and acted like my biomom. My sister and I shared the same birthday, one year apart from each other and on my 30th birthday, my sisters 29th birthday, she committed suicide. I wish that my stepmom would have had a place like this to go and talk to people, maybe she could have gotten some help to learn to accept my sister for who she was and not what she wanted her to be.

I know that our situations are not easy to deal with and each of us are unique and different in the way we handle our stepkids, but I have to learn to embrace what I have and encourage in my ss what he does not have. My ss looks just like his mother too, and when I am upset or angry I have to know that I can't look at him with hatred. Nothing is his fault no matter how much I would like to take the anger out on someone, it can't ever be him.

I know that we are here to vent, and sometimes we say things that are just on our minds. It's ok, but we have to learn to turn those feelings of hate into a love that consumes us. These kids need us and we need them!!!!

My heart goes out to you. I too suffered the loss of someone very close to me that committed suicide. Thank you for sharing, in such a painful way, what it feels like to be a stepchild, w/o the benefit of a place to vent!

I don't know how old you are now but I pray that you have found a way to celebrate your sister on your birthday. A way to remember the beauty of her life on your shared day.

Melody,

I’m so sorry for you loss. It must have been very painful for you to lose a Mother and a Sister. I can’t even imagine.

We do come here to vent and I know, at least for me, it gives me sense of release to write what is going through my head at the time and once I get it out, I’m able to regroup and move forward. This is my outlet. I know that since I’ve been coming here, I have made positive steps in my relationship with my BF’s daughter.

As a woman, I have a deep need to have my feelings acknowledged and the people here give me what I’m not getting at home…that acknowledgement.

I apologize, I’m not the most eloquent of writers.

goldenlife, I am now 32 and I certainly try to do my best to celebrate my sister on our birthday. I loved her very much and as a child myself I did not know how to help her and my stepmom close the gap between them. I just want to help anyone that I can to know the damage it causes when you do not accept these children "completely". It is NOT easy, but we are the adults in the situation and we have a responsibility to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

I completely understand that we have feelings and emotions that we do not know what to do with and I apologize if I offended anyone. We need to express those feelings to someone and what better place to do that than here.

You are right Bobbi, it does feel better once we get out what is going on in our heads. It does help us get through it and I am glad
that I have found this place to share with all of you. Thank you everyone for understanding where I was coming from.

We all have hurts and stories that maybe can touch each other in a different way...

Absolutely. I love my dad so much and I would do anything to keep the door open for all of us. My smom needed forgiveness and I did give that to her, she made mistakes and is sorry for them. Everyone deserves a second chance. I need a relationship with my smom and I have to put feelings behind of my childhood so that I can as an adult have this relationship with her. It is hard and I certainly have to initiate it, but that is what I need to do.

That was a very kind thing to say...I am soooooo glad for this chance too.

I believe she was talking about blaming him because he looks like his mother. That no matter what he does it is not his fault that he looks like dh's ex. She was in no way saying that children are not accountable for their actions...perhaps you should read the whole thread and you would understand better what she was saying.

When I made that comment it was in regards to us taking out our anger on them. When a child has "serious" issues relating to anger, disrespect, detachment it usually means that they are lacking something in the home. This certainly does not apply to every home and situation.

Children should absolutely be held accountable for their actions, if they do not do something right then you make them do it over and over again until it is done to your satisfaction. If there are crumbs left on the floor then they get the vacuum and clean it up.
If they mouth off and become disrespectful then there are consequences.

There seemed to be more hostility toward the child for looking like his mother and there seems to be some obvious hatred building that
certainly will not make things better for either person.

I know the attitude that can follow a hatred like this and even if you do not think it can show, it does. Every child deserves a second, third, fourth chance. We are their only hope at being a valued and respectful adult.

Hate is a controling and powerful tool that can destroy, but love is a CHOICE that can change their lives forever....

Thank you mamaceta, I was hoping that I did not screw that up and give everyone the wrong impression.

I did not notice your response yesterday and I feel bad for not replying.
Your life is difficult enough without having someone make you feel like
an evil person. I am so sorry to have made you feel that way, it was not
my intention. I reacted emotionally based on my experience as a stepkid.
It is apparent that your husband does not support you in teaching ss the value
of cleaning up after himself. Does your husband not allow you to have rules?
in your home for the ss to follow? It sounds like maybe you have done all you
can and have had enough?

I was only trying to give a point of view from a sk who had a parent that felt those strong emotions about not being able to look at a child. My mom (step) has many regrets and guilt about the hateful emotions she had toward us and no matter how much she thought she was hiding it, they were clear to us. We could feel the distance and the disconnect from her. I did not know how to express my feelings as a child and I certainly did not know how to reach out to her. We needed her to reach out to us!!!! We never received a
hug or a compliment from her as children, and I so desired that. If we are clueless as parents on what to do, how could we expect our children to know?

I learned in my adult years what kind of childhood my mother (step) went through. I had to find it in my heart to forgive her because she was a product of her environment. She was never taught to show love and until I was an adult and forced a real relationship on her and encouraged her to love me by showing it, is when she did. Unfortunately for my sister it was far too late.

A little bit of love can go a long way……

I hope you have a good day today Happy Mom!!!

Thank you for accepting my apology, I am so glad you shared these thoughts with me. I am completely seeing you in a different light and understand what you are going through.

I too felt overwhelmed with thoughts of what the biomom was telling my ss about me. I hated thinking about it and wondered also why he was so distant toward me all the time. Once I started showing more excitement when he would come over and joke around with him, being more interested changed everything. He started acting more comfortable around me and became more excited to see me too.

I have been doing this for six years also!!! Congratulations to you, I am sure that you have come a long way from when you started, I know I have.

I am begining to appreciate many things in my relationship with my husband and my ss just from reading some of the other things that other people are going through.

Thanks again Happy Mom.