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Can't Ask For Help!

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Wed, 09/20/2006 - 6:42pm

I’m so angry right now! I get home from work and start cleaning the house. My BF and his daughter arrive. My BF goes outside to mow the lawn. I ask his daughter “Hey would you mind doing the dishes for me, I could really use the help.” She says “Sure.” I had two cups and four glasses sitting in the sink that needed to be washed. It took her about five minutes to get them done and then she went outside.

The next thing I know my boyfriend comes into the house and tells me I’m NEVER to ask his daughter to do ANYTHING again without his permission. Apparently, she ran outside and told him that I MADE her do the dishes. Honestly, nothing could be farther from the truth. I said to him that I didn’t understand why he was getting so angry when all I did was ask her to help me. He said because I told her she could go to her friend’s house and you were undermining me. I told him that he never told me she was going to her friend’s house and neither did she, so how could I possibly have been undermining him. Then, he turns around and storm out of the house.

The two of them just UNDID every positive step I was making trying to build some sort of relationship with his daughter. Now, I’m just hurt and angry at both of them.

I know he is going to ask me what’s for dinner as soon as she gets home and I’d like to tell him where he can stick dinner.

Please, does anyone have any suggestions how I should handle this? I can’t talk to him.

I was doing so well...

Comments

stepmom to be's picture

Submitted by stepmom to be on Wed, 09/20/2006 - 7:11pm

Could you cut and paste your post into an e-mail and send it to him, put a note on the kitchen counter to check his e-mails and give you some space, and then just get out of there (or go to the bedroom) for a while?

You sound VERY fair in feeling hurt and angry, and maybe he could hear it more clearly if it was in words? If he doesn't know about the sight, maybe you could just tell him that you sent this e-mail to a friend, and her suggestion was to send it to him. Its not hostile, its totally rational and it explains that you feel helpless and sad. How could he not be open to thinking about that?

Just a thought...

Get back to us, ok?

JustaDad's picture

Submitted by JustaDad on Wed, 09/20/2006 - 8:45pm

Your definitely justified with your feelings, and I agree with "stepmom to be's" suggestion except for a couple of things. Men are definitely visual creatures. You should definitly put the event and your feelings about it in writing and leave it for him to read. I definitely would NOT tell him you posted on a site or sent it to a friend. He already used the term "undermining". Men to not want to hear your friends opinions or want you discussing "his" personal business with them. This is not to say you shouldnt talk to your friends or get some support from others, just dont be so quick to let him know. Men think they are the protectors of thier realm. It's the way we were raised. If he thinks your discussing his personal issues with your friends it will only lead to him becoming distant, and always wondering what else you have told your friends. He wont like to be around your friends or your friends around you anymore.
When you leave him the note, its directed straight to him. Men tend to deal with facts more then emotion. Lay out the facts and then with how it made you feel. Make sure at the very end you make it clear to him that you dont ever want to be treated that way again.
Men are bred and raised to respect strength and confidence. leave the note, Get out for awhile, go hang out with some friends. Dont worry about dinner. After he reads the note, looks around and realizes what it would be like without you. He will take your message seriously. By the time you get home, he will definitely be ready to talk about. P.S. He stomped out because he already knew he was wrong. He retreated. We only retreat when were wrong.
Hope this helps. Smile
By

stepmom to be's picture

Submitted by stepmom to be on Wed, 09/20/2006 - 10:28pm

You are so dead-on...the voice of reason we crave (ok, well I do, at least)!!

Just this evening, my guy gave me the whole speech about not sharing his latest indescretion (ok, can't tell, not that you would want to hear it) with all of my friends.

You guys are so different in terms of how you cope...I think that I would just explode with all of the secrecy...but I have two xx's and no y, so who knows, really? Can you help us to understand why men isolate themselves, and how this actually helps them to cope?

Anyway, I am tired and a bit loopy but wanted to check in on my pal and see how she fared. What a BONUS to get your insight. You must be quite special in that you have found us and are interested in learning from us and helping us out (in my case, emphasis on the latter)...

Thank you SO MUCH for your insight.

happy mom's picture

Submitted by happy mom on Wed, 09/20/2006 - 11:10pm

I think your husband misunderstood what happened. I don't think that you was wrong in asking her to do the dishes at all, even if she had to go to her friend's house or not. I think your husband needs to apologize to you. Tell him again when he calms down that you honestly didn't know that SD was planning on going out and even if you did it was only a few dishes and she could have still gone out after. Tell him that you have been working hard into developing a good relationship w/SD and that you are not here to make everyone feel miserable. See what he says after that.

-happy mom

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 7:16am

You know I freind of mine said something to me..when I was upset over my guy turning on me and defending his (21yr old) daughter instead of holding her accountable for her wrong doings. I still haven't figured out for sure where I sit with everything ..I go back & forth..but it's something to think about.

She said "You have a geat life! You have everything I want. A great guy, who loves you, helps with your kids, a nice home, nice cars to drive, someone to come home to, to share your life with." "For the amount of time you have to deal with SD...in the big picture...is leaving everything else you have together worth it?"

It's something to think about....

For those who think the "problems" go away when the kids turn 18...it doesn't!! Things get better...because it's not everyday..but the underlying issues don't just go away. Something else has to change.

Is he some kind of control freak? I'm wondering what the hell is she telling him lately??!!!! It seems like he is being poisoned by whatever she's telling him and he now beleives that you are the "bad guy".

The teenage years have hit...and you are in for one rough ride..because she is only just getting started.

If you can't communicate with him....I say IMMEDIATELY...get 3rd party help.... You will not have one shred of self esteem left by the time this child is done with you...She's got Dad hook, line and sinker, and it will only get worse.

I don't think you should subject yourself to that....you have to fix it....somehow.

If being treated like this (by both hubby & daughter) on a regular basis is worth it....get help. If the price is too high...(what will being treated 2nd class do to you..over years) get out!

My mother is separated after 42 yrs of being treated 2nd class by my father...... she is a shell of a person. She used to work as a professional at a teaching university.....now she's on welfare..her nerves are shot.

I'm working with a counsellor..and the issues with SD..stem from only a few 'incedents' ..but the feelings they generate are hard to shake.

Try talking to him...writing to him...counsellor...what ever...and if you guys can't reach some kind of 'workable' situation.....get out.

I'm sorry....but I have flashes of my mother. A relationship Takes 2 people working together....if he won't or can't work with you.... Don't throw YOU away...you may not find you again!!! Smile

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 9:42am

Lovin-Life,

What your friend said to you, I have had the same thoughts of my friends. How great they have it and how I wish I had their life. But, I think until you walk in someone’s shoes, you do not know what it’s really like for them. On the surface everything may seem wonderful, but you do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

Our mutual friends think we had a great life and get along beautifully. They don’t know what happens or anything about my BF’s daughter. I don’t think they could understand. They are all married with their own children. They know nothing of this type of situation.

I don’t think this problem is ever going to go away…not even when she is 18.

I do not know what she is telling him. He doesn’t share any of their conversations with me. I know, from what’s been happening, whatever she is saying…can’t be good. She is apparently very good at pretending with me (I guess I am very naïve), than she must tell him something completely different. I feel betrayed by her.

She is his confidant and his best friend. They are friends, not parent and child. He talks to her and asks for her opinion on just about everything. Their conversations are always private and do not include me. He consults with her when making plans. When plans are made he doesn’t share them with me.

Early on in our relationship, I asked him to see a Therapist with me. He agreed. We went to one session and he said he would never go again. He was upset because he thought he was there to fix me. I was the problem. This is what he told the Therapist. When the Therapist didn’t make the session about fixing me, he got upset.

I do not know what I am going to do. I have to take some time and put a lot of thought into it. My biggest fear is making the wrong decision. I have made many mistakes and poor choices in life and now have a hard time making decisions.

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 8:49am

Hello, My Friends Smile

I wanted to say “THANK YOU” for all your words of wisdom and your support.

I wanted to update you on what happened last night.

Thank you Stepmom to be and JustaDad! THANK YOU EVERYONE!

JustaDad, it is SO VERY nice to receive feedback from a man’s point of view. I am SO GLAD you have joined this forum Smile

I took the advice of both of you…I am a very non-confrontational person, so to write something instead of trying to talk it out was a much better way for me to handle this situation.

I did write an email directly to my BF. I tried to cover the sequence of events and the only thing I wrote about how I felt was that I didn’t feel as though I did anything wrong by asking his daughter for help. I also said that I didn’t understand why he became so angry and defensive.

Here is the body of the email I sent…

I had absolutely no idea that you had told ******** she could go over to her friend’s house. You never said anything and neither did ********, so how could I have possibly been undermining you when I didn’t even know? I asked her if she would mind doing the dishes because I could really use the help. She said sure.

I was having a nice conversation with her while she was doing the dishes and I was cleaning up the rest of the kitchen. I asked her how school went and picture taking. And, she said she was glad that her and her friends got to take pictures together and she didn’t have to stand in line and wait by herself.

I do not feel I did anything wrong in asking her to help me, so I do not understand why you got so angry and defensive. If either one of you had told me of her plans, I would have never asked her for help.

I know that anyone here would have written this better, but I was very upset and hurt and tried hard to stay calm and focused. It’s very difficult for me to put my thoughts into words when I am that upset.

Anyway, I sent the email and I left the house for a while. I know he read my email, because right before I left, he turned his computer on and usually the first thing he does is check his emails. When I came home he asked me what was for dinner. I calmly said that I thought he should handle dinner for this evening. He looked into the refrigerator and then said he was going to Burger King. They left and came back with their dinner. After they ate, his daughter went up to her room and he fell asleep on the couch.

He never said a word to me. So, this morning I asked him if he had received my email. He said he did. I asked him if he would like to talk about what happened. He said he had nothing to say to me that he didn’t already say last night.

There was no apology…nothing more was said.

mamaceta's picture

Submitted by mamaceta on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 9:29am

Bobbi I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how hurtful it is when your bf treats you with this kind of disrespect over sd. My relationship with my fiancee was just this way after the first year. He would be pretty cruel when we would argue about sd. And just like in your case he would start the argument over basically nothing. I got so sick of this kind of treatment that I left him when I was 5 months pregnant with our son. I didn't care if I had to raise our baby all by myself or how shocked he was that I just took off one day and told him I was staying by a friends house. Lovin-life is right you need to keep your dignity and being treated this way will erode your self-confidence.

In my case he was so upset that I left he cried and couldn't get out of bed for a week. He came to his senses and realized how constantly defending his daughter even when I did nothing wrong was ruining our relationship. We agreed to work on us and basically ignore the kids and their complaints about us. He has never taken sides with his daughter over me ever again. (I don't raise issues about her with him unless there is a good reason and he knows it)

Men are very action orientated and I could talk to him or right him emails till I was blue in the face and none of it mattered. The only thing that woke him up to how important I am to him was not having me for awhile. Like the old saying goes...you never know what you have until you've lost it.

Bobbi it isn't fair to you to allow him to treat you like a piece of sh**. I really feel for you sweetie, you are too good of a person for him not to appreciate you. You seem like a very kind sweet person and you deserve to be with someone who sees this.

lovin-life's picture

Submitted by lovin-life on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 9:35am

He just fell asleep??!!! Not a care in the world??!!!!! You must be hurting so much..... I'm sorry!

You know, I did the same thing when I went through this a couple weeks ago..I wrote a 3 page letter and left it for him to read while I was out. (It explained why I did/said what I did..and said that I couldn't believe he had turned on me..when what she did was wrong..and all I had ever done was have his back. Even his kids turned on him for a while..I have always been there.)

His reaction...was to run to SD's house to discuss my letter with her. MY house was empty when I got home. There was a brief note asking if SD appologises to me...Will that be the end of it??!!!!

Nothing else contained in those 3 pages was worth mentioning to him.... All he got out of it...was run to SD...SD needs me.... !!

I poured my heart out..in that letter...and he was cold!!!
I tried to talk to him the next night....huge fight..(breakup fight)
Finally I wrote another letter..and gave it to him..it had to do with us..not SD... JUST US!

Did we still love each other. Promises we made to each other when we first dated...to not make the same mistakes..to communicate..etc. We still love each other very very much...and we opted for the counselling..to help get us through this. Is it past issues, is it guilt, is it routines we've fallen into... or is it really over.

He cried when he read it...so did I. We've cried in counselling..we absolutely love each other. But we have problems to work out! We are willing to try...

AS hurt as I was, I didn't give up on mine right away...

But reality is...This is it for me...if we can't work this out..I'm gone/he's gone! I can't commit myself to someone who will trample my heart to protect someone elses..everytime..I need some kind of security that my soul is safe with him!!

If not I'm only pretending to be happy.......

(Try again with communicating...and start thinking about your boundaries......Where are they? What are your prepared to do and/or live with. (Counsellor asked me these questions..what if nothing changes...where do I sit with that? She told me to make sure I look after me!)

Keep us posted...

Smile

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 12:10pm

I guess the only thing that I would add is that everything sounded great up until the point where he asked you what was for dinner…I am GRATEFUL for Justadad’s advice and it is wonderful to have a man’s perspective! Especially the part about men having more respect for FACTS then EMOTIONS…that is SOOOOO true in my house…I’m a crier…I can’t help it sometimes….when I get emotional, I cry…my husband gets very bothered when I start to cry in the middle of an argument…I do much better when I just lay it all on the line for him (facts just like Justadad said)….However I did disagree with his idea to not cook dinner….before I got married, my dad gave me one piece of advice… “don’t become inconsistent just because you are mad at him…if you fix his plate, don’t refuse to fix it just because you are angry”…he told me that men are simple and like consistence and predictability behavior that they can “count on” …so….even when I’m spitting fire….I still do the things for my husband that I always do…prepare his meal, fix his plate & drink and take it to him wherever he is in the house…I do this EVEN WHEN I’m so mad that I want to SPIT IN HIS FOOD!!! (I never do!! *smile*) Because I do these things out of LOVE and I want to show him that my love is not conditional or based on how I feel that day….and I often find that when I continue our “routine” it smoothes over the fight…there have been plenty times where we were not even speaking but I still get up and fix his meal and plate and when I take it to him I might say “I’ll trade you” and he knows that means I’ll trade him the plate for a kiss…and sometimes he will kiss me, begrudgingly, but a kiss none the less…and often with it comes an apology and better "post anger" communication.and we are okay…so all that to say, next time…be firm but be CONSISTENT!

Make a GREAT Day!

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 12:14pm

I guess I also want to add that we have to learn OUR MEN to find the best way to handle stuff…that’s what this whole “two become one thing” is all about…I’m working on it and I have a LOOOOONNNNNGGG way to go…

Make a GREAT Day!

Anonymous's picture

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 1:25pm

Nise, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your suggestion that after what he did to her, she cook him dinner. I mean, her Boyfriend just treated her like sh*t and she was supposed to turn around smile and serve him?

Like your Dad told you what men need...
I think she needs him to be consistent, predictable and she should feel like she can count on him...

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 5:49pm

I respect your opinion…I was just trying to tell her what works for me and my husband…and suggesting that she find something else that works for her…I’m not saying that her BF was right in the way he treated her…but I would bet that when they finally have a meeting of the minds…she will find out why he reacted the way he did…still will not make it justifiable…but in getting that understand…they can “squash” it and move on…there are times when I blow up on my husband, say things I don’t mean and want to take back…I try not to do it…but at times I do b/c we are human and have flaws…but my husband still loves me through my flaws…and that makes me secure in my marriage, he is not gonna leave me stranded on the side of the road if my car breaks down, refuse to check the oil in my car, wash my car, iron my clothes to help me get ready for work in the morning, cut the lawn, etc., etc…just because we are having a disagreement…and in doing that…we show each other “it’s me and you…thick or thin…” so…like I said, it is about learning each other and finding what makes the other tick…and how to adjust the clock when necessary…

Make a GREAT Day!

mamaceta's picture

Submitted by mamaceta on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 12:21pm

What a great insight Nise! I'm going to use that advice in my own life and relationship.

Melody's picture

Submitted by Melody on Thu, 09/21/2006 - 6:07pm

That is great advice Nise. Women tend to react emotionally and men do not know how to handle that. They know when we are mad, there is no hiding that. You are right about men, in the fact that they do not stop doing their daily routines just because they are mad at us.
They still take out the garbage and cut the lawn, etc. Great point!!

-Mel

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Fri, 09/22/2006 - 9:21am

Unfortunately, this is not the case with my BF. If he gets angry with me, especially when it has something to do with his daughter, he refuses to do anything for me, yet he does expect me to do for him/her. In the past, I have always continued my normal routine, but I didn’t this time. (I’m not saying that this was the right thing to do)

Infuriated's picture

Submitted by Infuriated (not verified) on Wed, 10/18/2006 - 1:37am

I completely understand your situation since I'm a stepdad. My stepson is now 21. I can remember when he was a few years younger I would get caught in the middle all the time. You have to be very cautious because the stepchild will always attempt to pit the two of you against each other. I even saw a counselor about it once. You have to try to establish a united front between you and your bf. It is very difficult when you're married, but it's probably even worse if you're just dating. I've learned through a lot of pain and stress, that, when you're in the situation you are in, you will always be the loser. I know it sounds futile, however, if you really love this guy, just hang in there. Take it very slow and cautiously and any matters that may seem parental, try to go through your bf first and maybe talk it over with him about it. If he really loves you, he'll understand and be receptive, if not, I would think twice about what you're getting yourself into. Right now, you are in a position of where you can just walk away. If you were married to him and had time invested here it would be a lot harder. I wish you all the luck.