Last night...
Last night, my BF, my BF’s daughter and I went to watch fireworks by boat. We took our boat and met up with several of our friends. When the fireworks display started, my BF was sitting on our sundeck, his daughter was sitting on the backseat and I was standing in between the front seats of the boat. My BF looked around, then looked at his daughter and said, “Why don’t you come and sit next to me?” She responded that she was fine where she was. I was SO HURT. Not that he asked her to sit next to him and not me, but that he didn’t ask both of us. So, there I was looking around at all the other couples holding hands or with their arms around each other watching the fireworks and I was standing all alone. I just wanted to cry.
Now, I know why he asked her to sit next to him, because she was clearly disappointed that a friend of hers was not able to go with us (I felt bad for her too) and he wanted her to feel included (I would have done the same thing if it was my child), but why was I EXCLUDED…it was like I was invisible.
I know, poor me…get over it.
I’m probably being overly sensitive and this is a minor thing, but this isn’t the first time he has done something like this to me and it makes me feel better to express my feelings.
So, this morning, I was a bit cold to him (couldn’t help myself), but I was NOT going to take it out on his daughter. I tried to be as pleasant as I could and engage her in conversation. I asked her about a birthday party she was going to today.
…I just want to say, “THANK YOU DAWN” for creating this site.
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Hmmmm...if i remember
Hmmmm...if i remember correctly, your BF once told you that you were #2 and the child is #1 on the priority scale in his life...if i'm wrong in that forgive me (i may be getting you confused)...well after hearing that i asked my husband and he told me that his priorities are me first and then the girls second...and he asked me what made me ask him that so i explained to him what i'd read and he said...one day the kids are gonna get older and live their own life...basically this momenet that we are in right now is "our life"...i say that to say that maybe it wasn't the incident per say but the constant knowledge that you are 2nd in his eyes...I would imagine that if you were secure in the fact that you were his #1...the incident woudl not have bothered you so...did you ask him if those priorties would change if/when you get married? I'm also remembering (i think ;o} ) that you dont have bio children...does he expect to be your #1 priority while you come second? just my thoughts...
Make a GREAT Day!
No, you are right (GREAT
No, you are right (GREAT MEMORY!)...that's me...#2.
Your husband sounds like a great guy! It must have made you feel good to know that you are #1.
You are right again! It wasn't so much the incident, but the constant reminder that I am NOT a priority.
I don't need to ask the question, I already know the answer. No, I will NEVER be #1 in his eyes. She will ALWAYS be #1 no matter what. I do wonder though, what my BF is going to do when his daughter has her own family and they are her #1 priority.
Thank you for listening.
RE:
Are you OK knowing that you're never going to be his #1 priority? I'm really sorry that you're going through this!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
No, I'm not...I guess, at
No, I'm not...
I guess, at some point, I'm going to have some very tough decisions to make.
And, thank you for the empathy...I really appreciate it
I agree.
I agree with Nise. It's probably not so much the incident itself, but your feelings that were reinforced that you possibly aren't as "important to him" as his daughter is. You probably would not have made note of it at all if the underlying issue wasn't there.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I DO want to feel at least
I DO want to feel at least as important to him as his daughter is. If he has to put a label on it, why can't we both be #1.
Thank you.
So true, Bobbi!
You are both a priority to him but in very different ways. A partner relationship doesn't fill the need that a child can fill and vise versa. So why does there have to be #1 and #2. In fact, there are times in all of our lives when our children's needs have to be the priority at that time and spousal needs come second and the other way around. I think that the important part is being sensitive to the needs of all of the important people in your life and knowing how to respond to those needs appropriately. Perhaps you just need to tell him what those needs are at times like these! Take care.
Exactly...Thank You!I did
Exactly...Thank You!
I did think about saying to him, why don’t you ask both of us to sit next to you, but I was afraid it would come across as though I was competing with his daughter for his affection, and I feel there is already enough competing going on.
But, I have tried to express my needs to him at other times and he either says he doesn’t want to talk about it or, if I push a little, he’ll say, you know, it’s not always all about you (or something like that). So, my being the introvert I am, I retreat.
RE:
No, it's not always about you, but that can't be his answer for everything. Eventually he's going to have to address your feelings, or some very difficult times could be ahead. He can't put it off forever. If I were in your position, him saying something like that when I was sincerely trying to express my pain or heartache would make me feel ignored and offended. It's going to have to get discussed somehow before you get fed up with it and him.
I'm sorry if this is too forward of me but these are my thoughts.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being too forward. I welcome your thoughts
Happy parents make happy babies
That is the philosophy my dh and I have, and use. Our marriage is first, then our children.
Sometimes when you want something, like affection or acknowledgment, how about giving it first? Maybe offer him a little more affection when he isn't asking for it, and maybe he will notice, and start doing the same.
My dh is super affectionate and always puts me first, or my interests first. If I do something nice, he reciporcates quickly. Just an idea for you.
That is a good philosophy
That is a good philosophy and I believe it to be true.
I think I'm very affectionate toward him, but maybe you are right, maybe he doesn't think I am. I know I always try to do something nice for him, even if it's something as small as picking him up his favorite candy bar on my way home from work. I will make more of an effort and see what happens, Thank you!
What does affectionate mean to him?
To my husband, being affectionate means something very different than it does to me. He expresses affection by doing something for me, driving me somewhere, helping me with an activity. For me, being affectionate, is more about how he behaves towards me, not by what he does. So our perspectives are totally different....could that be the case with both of you.
This is something that is obviously significant for you. Although life isn't always about us, life fulfullment is about having your needs met...that is what partnership is all about. Good luck with this, Bobbi!
Wow, that's a good question.
Wow, that's a good question. I don't know. I never thought we could perceive it in different ways. I guess now that the "Courtship Phase" of our relationship is over, maybe he does perceive it more like your husband. Maybe, when he changes the oil in my car, he thinks he's being affectionate.
Do I ask him?
For me, affectionate means him holding my hand or putting his arm around me. Or, something I've been needing for a LONG time...A HUG.
He doesn't do any of this anymore.
no comment
no comment
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5 love languages
Are you guys familiar with the book, "The Five Love Languages"? My DH gave this book to me our first Valentine's Day together and it really help to get our relationship off to a great start!
The theory is that we all speak different love languages. The key to successful relationships (husband/wife, parent/child, etc) is knowing the other person's love language and speaking it.
The 5 love languages are:
1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Quality time
So we wrote ours down in order of importance on a piece of paper and then tried to guess each others' to see how close we came.
So it may be, you are both speaking "love" , just in different "languages"!
No, I’m not familiar with
No, I’m not familiar with this book. How interesting. So, I have to ask, do you remember how close you both came in order of importance?
I was having a difficult time deciding between physical touch and words of affirmation, so I found this link…it’s an Evaluation Form that helps you determine your love language…http://www.thebartonweb.com/Scot/5LoveLanguages1.php
I’m going to try to get my BF’s list.
Thank you!
I’ve read that book as
I’ve read that book as well and one thing that I got from it is that it is not as important that the two of you share the same Love Language so much as it is important that you are aware of the “language” your partner speaks and try to communicate with them in that way sometimes…which may be “out of the ordinary” for you…
Make a GREAT Day!
Yes, you are right…maybe
Yes, you are right…maybe we can use this as a tool to improve our communication.
Pretty close
We were pretty close in guessing each others. Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are my top two, followed by Quality time. My DH got these right but had gifts (my #5) and Acts of Service switched.
We refer to "our languages" often. When things aren't right, going back to these really helps. If I've done wrong, I'll make him a cake (his top language is "acts of service". Or if he's on the outs, he'll ask for a hug, knowing I can't refuse! So it works!
Like Nise said, you have to learn to speak his language regardless of what yours may be. Hopefully, as his needs are being met and his "love tank" is being filled, he will learn what your language is and want to "fill your tank", too!
I was having a hard time
I was having a hard time deciding between physical touch and words of affirmation, so I used the evaluation form I found online.
My results...
1. Physical Touch
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Gifts
Well, I sent him the link to the evaluation form because I know he likes to take tests and thought he might be more open to it.
Communication
Great! Hopefully, the lines of communications on this topic will open up and things will improve. Be sure to let us know how it goes!
*livin' my life likes it golden*
Bobbi, That must have been
Bobbi, That must have been such a lonely feeling! Especially watching other couples acting like couples....and wanting that so much. You know, the ladies all have good advice. You can give him things as a spouse/GF that his daughter can't..you can nurture & re-assure his soul...in the way you long to be nurtured & reassured. It's not competeing with his daughter..its what the two of you (and only the two of you) can have together.
Things have been very affectionate for hubby & I lately. I lot of hand holding, snuggles, love you's..etc. I think partially because I have been reassured that I am a priority for him...by him wanting counselling to work out our issues. And seeing his tears..a few weeks back..and him fighing them back on our joint counselling session. I know I am very important to him!!!
(I was feeling very down..that our relationship would never be 1st...that I wasn't worth the effort..he was so quick to turn tail & run went we hit a bump in our relationship... (yet stuck by psycho X for 22 yrs))
At our function, he asked me to dance..I was still stuffed from supper and could barely move...so I said no.. He very quickly asked SD to dance...it almost seemed that..that's who he really wanted to dance with and asking me was just obligatory. I have to stop doing that...thinking that way. (So what if he did really want to have a dance with her!!!!)
Again at one point fiance took hubby's chair next to me..so after me barely seeing him for 2 hrs..he sits by SD....when he could've sat on the other side of the table across from me. I caught myself again!!!! Duhhh, Well you know he barely saw SD for 2 hrs toooo... and she was his invited guest...oh course he can sit with her!!!! I have to work on ME...I have to stop looking at things from the negative....(I don't want to end up like my mother...the glass is always half empty for her)
Soooo I didn't let anything bother me....... He hauled me up for a slow dance and we teased his nefew who was dancing beside us..we laughed and snuggled..and he told much how much he loves me...
I could have felt abandoned (for 2 hrs), slighted (him sitting with SD), and cranky (by dwelling on what happedned with SD vs my daughter)....but I just let it all roll...... I really had a blast!!!
I know where your coming from in all this....it is sooooooo lonely, to feel like your not as important to your love as they are to you. And 13 yr olds in the mix, stirring the pot...they can be tricky! So we all have to help you figure out a way..to move up the totem pole so to speak..in your hubbys eyes. So much of our happiness lies in how we percieve things....
You can intellectualize why he paid attention to SD..she was disappointed about her freind...but you feel why can her read her dissappointments and not your??!! Right?! I've been there!! And it makes you feel cold & distant..to protect yourself...if you don't feel you don't get hurt. You have to get around that somehow! Try some of the romantic advice...I'm sure it certainly can't hurt. The only thing we can control is our actions & reactions.....
So ultimatley all changes start within ourselves.......as a beginning
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind words
You have been where I am and reading what you wrote gives me hope.
Thank you!