I actually like my husband's 4 siblings and their families. But I realize that they have family obligations separate from us. I am not the least bit offended that we do not get invited to their ILs celebrations.

What has worked for us is to have a Christmas celebration for his family in December. That way most everyone is free to come without having other obligations. We have our "Christmas" and no one cares that it is not on Christmas Day. The only thing I will change next year if I do it will be to have something other than the full Christmas dinner menu.

My family has gotten together on Christmas Day for decades (mother was one of 10). But as the years have passed most of the current generations have split off for their own family gatherings. It's down to about 10 people now. My DH and I skipped it the past couple of years. I had hosted it since my mother's death 20 years ago. I just was tired of doing it.

I had a Christmas casual lunch two weeks after Christmas with my sister and her BFF who is sort of my adopted sister (she has no family). We have the most fun sharing funny gifts.

SS32 and his iGF are totally banned from my life as of last year. I assume they spent Christmas with her mother. BM's DH doesn't really like having druggie/alcoholic SS with his family either. DH never even got a phone call or text.

Last year they were busy with her family, but DH saw SS a day or two early. In some past years we spent Christmas noon with my family and DH went to see SS that evening. One year (first year I think) I had Christmas for my family at my sister's home and had SS over for dinner than evening. SS was high as a kite so I just retired to my room. He was never invited for a Christmas meal after that.

I see nothing wrong with anyone staying home. Especially if you invite others to drop by.

DH and I skipped out on all activities the past two years and just stayed home alone. We loved it.

My OSD is also of the belief that we are supposed to go to her. She believes her sister, mother, father and supporting cast should all travel to the Holy Land to witness the Gift Rapture for her children, who she wants to be home every year.

My generation never expected our parents to be coming to our home this much; we expected we would be doing more of the traveling. Somehow in steph3ll that expectation got reversed.

DH finally recognized how OSD was trying to drive a wedge in our marriage and accepted that I will no longer be involved with her. We agreed he can visit there right before or after Christmas but will be home for Christmas. He is getting older and tired of traveling to those types of things, especially since BM always seems to be there.

But now that OSD is punishing DH, he didn't go there at all this past December. Just mailed gift cards. YSD and one of my bios came for Christmas, and that worked out fine. We have the mindset that the younger generation can now come see us, and living where we do is a benefit during Christmas. If no one wants to come see us, we have plenty of friends to spend the holiday with.

My first H is deceased and neither of my bios is married. They come to us.

DH's ex is also deceased. Both SDs are married. OSD has a spouse with a record that precludes him from being around children and OSD won't come without him so they don't come. YSD is married to a guy who thinks we shouldn't be married and has stated that he only spends holidays with family so they don't come. (DH being the only living bio grandparent of the kids doesn't count.)

YSD has two kids. I mail birthday gifts, but refuse to mail Christmas gifts. (They live an hour away. We have only been invited to their house once and that was to babysit.) Sometimes gifts are picked up around New Year's. Always by mid February. This year was late January.
I don't do meals when they come as we usually get from one to 24 hours notice. DH usually picks up pizza.

We have oldest SS, his wife and 2 SGDs at our house either the weekend before or after Christmas (they are required to be at BM's BOTH Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day and also have to fit in SDIL's parents.) Sometimes younger SS comes to get his gifts, sometimes he doesn't and we send them home (2 hours away) with oldest SS. Since we are NOT the main Christmas for them and never will be, I don't put myself out much for this celebration. I always have it "catered," and I don't mean fancy catering, usually Chic Fil A, Olive Garden or something like that. We wouldn't be opposed to going to oldest SS's house either the weekend before or after Christmas, but we've never been invited to their house. (And since they live in the same town as BM and her "clan" which has always hated DH and PAS'd oldest SS, I understand.) Also, DH's extended family (sister and her family and his parents) usually come as well, since they otherwise wouldn't get to see oldest SS and it's usually not at a time when they have other things going on, and I do enjoy hosting them, so that's a plus.

We have oldest SS, his wife and 2 SGDs at our house either the weekend before or after Christmas (they are required to be at BM's BOTH Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day and also have to fit in SDIL's parents.) Sometimes younger SS comes to get his gifts, sometimes he doesn't and we send them home (2 hours away) with oldest SS. Since we are NOT the main Christmas for them and never will be, I don't put myself out much for this celebration. I always have it "catered," and I don't mean fancy catering, usually Chic Fil A, Olive Garden or something like that. We wouldn't be opposed to going to oldest SS's house either the weekend before or after Christmas, but we've never been invited to their house. (And since they live in the same town as BM and her "clan" which has always hated DH and PAS'd oldest SS, I understand.) Also, DH's extended family (sister and her family and his parents) usually come as well, since they otherwise wouldn't get to see oldest SS and it's usually not at a time when they have other things going on, and I do enjoy hosting them, so that's a plus.

I'm not fully there yet, but it will happen one day I guess.

It's very easy, one year we do SO's family and the next year we do my family..... we both feel that we have to go to the parents house, they are older and more comfortable in their own surroundings. We never ask them to come to us. Thus the same will be applicable on our children.

Either they come to us or not, we will never got to them...

Nope, it is definitely not unfair or selfish to do what is most comfortable for you and your DH for holidays. Holidays should NOT be planned around what adult skids and the gskids want to do.

What works for us is to relax and spend time with family who respects us and our marriage. So, this excludes all of the adult skids and their brood and some poisoned relatives.

During a recent holiday, one of the adult skids kept hounding DH to spend time with him and the gskids. This Skid then invited himself and the other adult steps and their brood to our home and DH told him "No Way". DH told me this adult step then had a hissy fit and started crying and yelling at DH that holidays should be all about the gskids. Since then, this step has never invited me to anything and made it clear to only invite DH. My guess is because DH doesn't like to look like the bad guy and must of told the adult skid it was because of me. I don't care, as I don't want any hateful adult skids around on holidays playing their mean games at our home, with all the Gskids causing havoc and trashing things.

Early on, DH and I spent many holidays preparing big meals for the adult skids and inviting them for holidays. They would either never show up after they said they would, or arrive 8 hours late. We would reheat food and not eat because of waiting for them for so long. It was awful. On Xmas they would only show up to collect presents. There were also many holidays where they would invite DH and tell DH I was not welcome. After so many skid-ruined holidays, we no longer invite them.

So, do what is best for you and your DH. What makes you both happy. Start your own traditions and spend time with family who respects you and people you enjoy being around.

Nothing like the Holidays and big events to bring out the talons in some people. SMs and "family" events usually don't mix, because SM is often seen as more of a family scapegoat than family member. https://www.steptalk.org/node/234233

As disrestep said: "relax and spend time with family who respect you and your marriage," whomever that may be. Go where you are celebrated and not just tolerated (or worse}.

It can become a bit of a battle- when my kids were young we went to my parents Christmas Eve and my exes parents on Boxing Day- this meant we spent Christmas day as a family and it worked for us.

Now my kids have flown the nest and I now have skids it has become more problematic, especially as my kids live far away. So, because I refuse to see the skids if I can't spend the festivities with my kids and grandkids we decided to spend Christmas alone and I enjoyed the peace.

We don't make plans far in advance so the next holidays are not worked out- who knows?

Just do what works for you- but there always has to be some compromise...

I don’t fault any parents with young children who choose to stay at home for Christmas. But it’s when they start demanding that others trek to see them that it is selfish and rotten. Especially if they demand that a parent leave their spouse and even other children at home for the holiday so that the “real” family can celebrate without any “outsiders “.

I agree- when my kids were young we had no car (they weren't so common then in Fairyland) so travelling to see anyone was out, and no one ever made the journey to see us. Now I wouldn't want my kids to travel on Christmas day to see us, we did it for them a couple of times but the skids always make that difficult. Although they live much closer, they never come here on Christmas day either- they go to BMs. Enough said.

Easily solved last Christmas. DH and I took a trip for ourselves. No steps, no bios. It was heaven.

But usually we travel to Skidville, about 700 miles away. At least we stay in a hotel. But funny thing, every holiday that we've done this I end up with a killer headache that requires me staying in the hotel room by myself for at least a day.

My bio lives nearish Skidville, so I spend time with her too.

It's not awful. Just exhausting.

Super easy fix.

Pull out your calendar for December, maybe the 2nd weekend in Dec plan on making a Christmas meal. "WE" decided to plan our Family Christmas meal and gathering on this date, here at our house. NO gift exchange for anyone over 18 please. Dad and I will provided Turkey, Ham. IF you want to come please plan on making a side dish.
WE will provide the wine and beer too. Hope you can attend.

RSVP no later than Nov 26 2018- no rsvp means your not coming.