I'm sorry there's a lot of background missing here.

From what I gather you don't want to be around the girl. She's been rude to you to say the least right. She's not welcomed by you. This I'm assuming.

That does make it harder for the girl to interact with her dad on the level you want. She knows that you are superior to her. Talking to him means she may get turned down because of his obligation to you.

I don't like how a father needs to ask for permission to see his daughter and grandchild. Should the daughter make more effort? Sure but I'm not sure of all the conditions.

He shouldn't be spending money on supporting the girl and buying her affection or staying on her good side but he should be able to go see her.

I could never image a world where my partner has to ask my permission to see his own child much less his grandchild who is helpless in all this. Sure MAYBE you could in some world restrict his access to the daughter but it seems like then he doesn't see his granddaughter. I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap in order to stay apart of a innocent child's life. The granddaughter shouldn't lose her dad just because the daughter isn't being an adult.

He's putting in the extra work for the grandchild. Not his daughter in my eyes.

I know I'm missing a lot but I guess my point is I'd be willing to swallow my pride in this case and let him go the extra mile to be apart of his granddaughters life.

I have two adult SDs. One is nice and there are no issues, the other is a problem, problem with the law etc she is a source of pain for DH. Still I’d never tell him “why are you seeing your daughter”. Never.

These are still his daughter and granddaughter no matter what is your view on them. I could see if DH forced you to see them. Why do you care if he sees them? He is a grown man and can decide what relationship she has with his kids

Also even if daughter is evil or what not, he wants to see his grandchild. It’s so important to him and the baby.

Would you like peopke to tell you what relationship you should have with your kids and grandkids? I certainly wouldn’t tolerate that

I get it Tigerlily. I have always wanted to protect my SO from her kids and even more so now that they are adults because they should know better than this type of behavior. By this age they should be grateful to their parents for giving them life, sacrificing for them and giving them everything they gave both physically and emotionally. Now that they are no longer too young to know better I think it is all the more hurtful to our partners whether they admit it or not because they can't hang this bad behavior on their youth or lack of maturity.

It's a terrible struggle. My own SO seems to feel I am out of bounds when I point out something such as...

ME: Why do you feel so guilty for not going to get him in the middle of the night when you specifically told him you wouldn't?
HER: I don't know
ME: Girl, he treated you like shit over this!!! He told you your tires were going to be slit over this and you still feel bad that you aren't giving him what he wants?
HER:I guess (in tears) I don't know why I feel bad I just do!
ME:I don't understand this. I understand your feelings hurt by the threats and the horrible things he said but doesn't it feel at least a little bit good to not reward this bad behavior by giving him his way?
HER:(silence)

*sigh* absolutely maddening and so I am working on disengagement. I wish I had any advice for you Tigerlily but I understand the fundamentals here. Sending you support.

“DH: May I go visit my daughter tomorrow?”

You: No
DH: Why?
You: Because you asked.
DH: But why did you say no?
You: Because you asked and if you are going to continue to ask me if you should visit your ungrateful, needy, manipulative daughter, I’m going to continue to say no.
DH: I’m going anyway, you can’t tell me what to do!
You: WOW, you have no problem telling me what you’ll do but you certainly have a problem telling your daughter. You will not go and if you do your key won’t fit when you get home.
DH: pouts quietly in the corner.

Yes, I’m being facetious but he’s a grown man. He’s not going to change and he’ll never see his daughter the way you do.
So, stop arguing with him. Set boundaries and stick to them. If that means treating him like a child then so be it.
When he asks to go see his daughter, try saying no and see where the conversation actually goes.

So he doesn’t already know that his kids aren’t respectful? He actually needs to be reputedly told that? Is he not intelligent man? If he has even half s brain he knows his kids aren’t respectful. What’s the point in keep pounding? Like coming back every hour and pretty much repeat the same thing to him? Why? Do you not think he is smart enough to get it by now? It doesn’t sound like you are treating him as a grown man but more like confused child.

hiehiehiehie Tiger... you should simply disengage...

DH: May I go visit my daughter tomorrow?
Me: NO

then see his reaction..... this is my standard answer if SO asks me if he May do something.... dammit you are a grown ass man, if you want to do something simply say, Hon I'm going to do this, you want to tag along or stay....

The fact that's he's always going to her, is not your problem, they will get tired of it, see my SO had this thing with his brothers... he would cancel everything cause one of his brothers informed him, they would be in our town for the week-end, then SO would sit like a puppy the whole week-end and they will never even call him...... I always said, fine I'm doing my own thing and when SO called Saturdays and ask me if we could do something, I would simply laugh and say, call your brothers I'm busy... after 10 years, SO stopped sitting around for them....It was no use telling him, you are a fool, you are the only one doing something to keep the bond with them, they are never keeping their word, but when I stopped telling him about the one sided relationship.... he came around quickly.... now if they call and say in town for the week/week-end, he says... yeah drop by if you like and we go ahead with our plans....SO does not sit around the house waiting for something that will not happen...

Tigerlily, I get it. Why would you want your DH to visit someone who is so blatently disrespectful to him? My DH would not want me to spend time with anyone, no matter who it is, who treated me like a taxi cab and an ATM machine, which seems to be what your SD is doing to your DH. Nevermind, it is really a slap in the face if your DH spends special holidays, and birthdays with people who have tried to break up your marriage.

My DH has no desire to visit the hateful brood, who treat him like an ATM machine and disrespect him, me and our marriage. Who would want to visit anyone who have repeatedly tried to break up their marriage and openly express their hatred of a spouse? My DH does not want to and I don't want to see my DH used like a doormat. So what? Nothing wrong with that. If my DH had a friend who treated him so nastily I would feel the same way about him visiting the friend and he the same for me.

It is very frustrating when DH lets people treat him like poo poo. You respect him so you want him to be respected by other ppl.
You want to make him see it but instead he sees that you have the problem with his DD. He sees you as standing in between him and his daughter.( Not what you are trying to acomplish I know...)

Does he make these unilateral efforts with all the women in his life? If yes then you cannot change it. It is how he is.(whether he has been conditioned to do so or not...)

I would encourage him to think for himself.
Him:may I go see my daughter
You: what do you think you should do
Him: ummmm...Im gonma go see her
You: am i gonna see you for aupper(or wjatever)
Let him make the ddecision himself about making the effort to see her.

A thing to think about:
For 30 years your DH and SD have conditioned eachother to act in certain ways toward eachother. You are trying to get him to see and break 30 years of conditioning! Professional psychologists have failed at this!

Behavioral matters are tricky!

The dental work=finances
Financials are always discussed prior to being spent in my household

Sticking my Mom AND Granny hat on, it is better for family to go visit the 1 year old. Toys, crib etc are right there and the child's schedule can be the same.
So I totally agree with why your dh is going there. Its just easier on the child.

Your dh and his daughter have been dancing this same dance for a long time,(as carra said above) and easily long before you came into the picture and ALSO during your dating phase.

DH's and daughters 'terms' were accepted by you when you married him. Doesn't mean you agreed with them but you accepted them. That is something many blushing brides and winking grooms fail to realize.

I hope you went out to Target or somewhere and bought a toddler outfit or two for the baby. Hand it to DH in a pretty gift bag so HE can hand it to his daughter when he walks in the door, note attached from sm and dad. Don't expect a Thank you note back.

JMO of course!!

If I can offer my take on this? Tiger I was where you are now (sort of)in that I couldn't believe how DH was with his kids from the very beginning. At first I kept quiet, maybe he would see how my family interacted and learn something (silly idea now I look back!) then, when I began to get more involved I pointed out over and over that his kids treated him like shit and didn't he care? For years I would point this out to him, and I did it because I too loved him and thought he deserved respect from them. Sometimes, like you, we had terrible rows where I told him home truths and began to realise that he thought I was the one disrespecting him! He considered his children's treatment of him fair and equitable, and my treatment of him to be 'caustic' and controlling.

Just one small example- recently my son came to visit. I was making drinks and made one for my son:
MS Don't forget I have milk and sugar mum
ME You can put your own sugar in
DH Where's the sugar bowl?
ME What do you want the sugar bowl for?
DH To put the sugar in his drink. If you're making someone a drink you're making them a drink.
My son comes back in and takes his drink, with milk and sugar added by DH.
DH Is there enough milk in your drink? We're running out but if there isn't enough milk for you I'll get you some more.
MS It's fine thanks

This is just a small example of how DH makes me feel as if it's me that's not parenting properly (my son is in his mid-30s) and that he's the 'good' parent because he lies down and lets his kids walk all over him.

Now I do not ask about his kids at all-nothing, nada, not interested. He recently had a small operation and I couldn't collect him from the clinic- did he ask his kids if they could fetch him? Of course not!! Wouldn't that have been a ridiculous thing to even ask for? No, he got a taxi home even though OSD lives close by and doesn't work.

Sometimes the more I think and write about DH the more I wonder why I'm still with him...

I get where you are coming from Tiger. My DH is a enabler also. In my case DH has always allowed SD and SS to treat him like garbage and they still do. The sad part is that he can't see that they have zero respect for him. They only care about what he can do for them. I know the part that bothers me is that it is hard for me to have respect for someone who lets their kids treat them that way. It is also hard because since he thinks it is OK for them to treat him that way, He also thinks it is OK for them to treat everyone else that way also,

So, It does affect you. I come from a broken marriage also. My father is not an enabler. He made if very clear from the beginning when he remarried that his wife was his wife and If we wanted a relationship with him we would have to be respectful and include her. He let us know that It was not up to us to tell him if he was able to bring his wife around us or not. He set the bounderies from the beginning.

I did not like it at the time. If I did not want my SM around I was not going to be able to see my Dad. My Dad is now 92 years old. I respect what he did. His life was his. I was grown, had a husband,kids. He deserved to have his life now. His focus should not have been me or my siblings, It should have been his own life. If I had told him he could not bring his wife around he would have told me good bye. I am glad he did not let me push his wife out of the picture. He would have had a lonely life that would have been my fault. I am thankful he did not give me that power.

I had no right to have the power in my fathers marriage. These Skids also do not have the right to the power in their fathers or mothers marriages.

I think this is the way most of us feel here. DH should never given the power to the kids. They might not have liked it at the beginning, but In the long run they would have respect for them and stop feeling like they could walk all over their fathers. There would also not be the problems between the SM and Skids.

How the fathers handles totally makes the outcome either good or bad.

Not to this degree but we went through something related in our household... thankfully, SS(now)22 doesn't live here anymore.

At the beginning my SS(then)15 was calling me all sorts of profane names... sometimes under his breath, sometimes not. His father finally corrected that. But what still continues to go on to this day is that SS will say "F*** you, Dad" or "You don't know what the F*** you're talking about, Dad" or "That b!tch (me) has you pu$$Ywhipped, Dad".

My husband still won't correct that. I naturally talk like a sailor and I curb it... whether it be in front of my elders, children, at work... or ANYWHERE in public. You do that because it's right and it's good manners.

They joke around like high school kids. It's embarrassing. So, when the two of them are together, I just make myself scarce. Disney Dad will NEVER teach his kid manners.

Best to understand it now.