Am I Marginalized at a SD?
Greetings, new to the forum, need help…I am 43 she is 38, with two daughters, 13(sole custody) and 5 (joint custody, every other weekend), separate fathers, I have no children. We met and clicked, and I knew she was it for me having come out of two bad relationships and abusive to me (last one) So, we met about a year and a half ago. We were in a honeymoon stage for quite a while and maybe she spoiled me. We used to spend a lot of time together, with and without the girls. In the early stages, the girls were cautious of me but friendly. I remember in the first few months, one episode with her 4yo, involved a complete meltdown and hitting her Mom. Also, the 13 yo, had a bit of a crying and attention tantrum with me at her house. She said she wouldn’t be around forever and was looking for more attention. I think I understand that Mom had brought me into their lives and met them maybe too quickly. During this time, they acknowledged boundaries…. Anyway, fast forward 12 months later, we combine households and move into a house together and are engaged.
At first Mom and I would be physically affectionate, holding hands, hugging in front of the kids. I determined that it made the 4yo VERY uncomfortable and she would scold Mom, interrupt us mid conversation, and basically get between us whenever she saw something she did not approve of. Mom stood her ground and tried to play it off. She would co–sleep with 5yo in her bed, until she was asleep and then get back in bed with me.
Fast forward to today…. We work different schedules and rarely even speak. She gets off around 9 (law enforcement) and just needs to unwind from her day. She gets Wed/Thurs off and she runs around to pick up 5yo and entertain her from the sitters or school. When I get home on these days, I usually walk in the door with a smile. 5yo hides from me. After she is past me getting home, she will say hi. Then it’s off with Mom, and play time takes over. 13 yo is indifferent and treats me ok, and I genuinely appreciate her company.
I am on eggshells to ask how her day was and she tends to just disappear for a bath. I feel completely excluded from everything and its come little by little, leading up to where I am today. We haven’t had sex in 5 months, we haven’t shared a bed in 4 months (all but for one night) as a result of her co-sleeping all night with 5yo or falling asleep on the couch after work when 5yo is not with us.
Whenever 5yo is with us, she RUNS THE HOUSE and her playtime and amusement is the priority…. the ONLY priority. 5yo is in her POCKET AT ALL TIMES. We no longer are affectionate, but are going through motions, leading up to getting 5yo into the bath, pj’s, into her room to read books and off to sleep. She says that she doesn’t want any conflict or tantrums and that is why we are no longer affectionate and its unnerving. I adore this woman and am trying to save our future marriage. Sorry for the long post, but feeling like I’ve become a hood ornament who cleans the house, does the chores and gets excluded and marginalized once everyone is at home.
What exactly are you getting
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You don't have to respond, but ask yourself that question. And don's say "I love her," because love is never enough.
This situation is not going to change. The way these kids behave isn't going to change; their problems will just get bigger as they get older. Is this REALLY what you want and deserve?
Take some time to yourself to think about all this. Good luck!
First , I truly appreciate
First , I truly appreciate your feedback, its truly heartfelt. Truthfully, I've become the pay for everything, "entity" that is supposed to shut up and color at this point....So, nothing, it has become a non-communicative, stale, sexless and attention deprived existence for me. ....at this point I get absolutely nothing but "You don't have kids, you don't understand". I have not tried to be the parent, but given her insights, such as her 5yo (who is half black) about mentioning how she cant be friends with a little white girl at school. Dad is black and I think she is being raised to be a bigot, Mom, me and 13 yo are white. 5yo has told Mom to "F-off" under her breath, and I've passed that to Mom...Mom diverts the point and does not acknowledge the downright evil behavior. Right before we moved into he house, the girls and I were waiting for mom to show up at the new and empty home....5yo says to sissy, "Tell Mom he hit me, so he will go away".....I should have cut and run then, but I expressed it to Mom, and again she set it aside and told me not to take it personally. I guess that hurtful and evil comment hasn't left me yet....
Also, her 13 yo spending hours and hours laying in bed, IN HER ROOM with her 13 BF when Mom is at work and I'm home, and how that is wrong IMHO...!!! Again, I'm told that she needs to be trusted, shut up and color....
I guess through all this I have tried to "Love" the bad experiences that all three have had with men and I cant help but feeling that they are condemned to the "Burning House" syndrome....the house that they refuse to come out of.....and I'm at wits ends after running in over and over.....
Go back and read what you
Go back and read what you wrote. You say you're the meal ticket, the paycheck, yet you have no say in how your home is run.
You don't have to have kids to know that the way your partner is parenting is not right. (And make no mistake, SHE is the root of the problem, not the kids.)
You can't save this family. I'm not saying that's what you're trying to do, but you can't.
I'm not going to tell you to run for your life. That's not my place. You sound like a decent and intelligent guy, and you can decide for yourself what you're willing to live with and what you're not.
From my perspective and
From my perspective and experience a major mistake was made on day one of the relationship to not include the kids in your daily lives followed by the fatal mistake of SO catering to her prior relationship spawn.
The odds of recovering this relationship are slim and none IMHO and you are far better off to take the hint of no intimacy for 5mos and run.... far.....far.... away.
My bride and I met and started dating when SS-25 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. Like you, I have no BKs. The three of us did everything together. Only rarely did we get a sitter and have couple only time during the extended periods when SS was with us. We did have personal time during his SpermClan visitations 7wks per year. (5Wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) We enjoyed out Skid free time but... never did we allow him to invade our couple dynamic . He slept in his own room, we slept in ours. PERIOD! Our marriage always was the priority for both of us though the SKid was the top relationship responsibility.
If at this stage of the relationship you and the relationship are not her unequivocal priority as she and the relationship are for you... don't waste any more of your time.
Good luck. Take care of you.
I guess I used to think that
I guess I used to think that you “Get what you Give”. Look, I’m not perfect, but I’ve lost enough “fingers” from past relationships to know that putting your mate first is huge. I didn’t do that in the past, but feel like I learned my lesson, and was ready and able to do this for her and have gone far and beyond “actions: for her than any other woman I’ve ever been with. Maybe I have overinvested….I don’t know. I’ve gotten up to ensure she has hot tea, and Is ready to go to work on Saturdays at 5 am, made sure the house was immaculate (military, I can clean like no one business), left love notes in her bag, lunches…the little things. I don’t get these things in return…. reciprocity for her is a problem, I’m not sure she knows how. I asked her in a heated argument if she just wanted the status of being married shortly or wanted to marry me?....I got silence. That sticks with me too.
My condolences on your toxic
My condolences on your toxic relationship. My XW is my version of what you are dealing with.
With what you have learned from your relationship experiences you know what you are dealing with. If it looks like a duck, flaps like a duck, has feathers like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it's a duck.
You know what you should do... take care of you.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your SO may not really be right for each other. It appears that she is using the 5 yo as an excuse and a shield to avoid intimacy in your relationship.
It sounds like you are more like room mates than anything else. Maybe she rushed into this because the financial assistance you could provide to the household was too tempting but in the end, she is just "not as into you" as she thought.. but now you are stuck there and it's easier to just avoid the issue than do something uncomfortable like split up and lose your contribution to the household finances.
As much as I hate to admit
As much as I hate to admit it, I believe (unfortunately) that you may have hit the nail on the head. We did move fast, in to a "just add water" family. We are room mates and it really hurts because this really "felt right", at least it did to me. Thank you for the hard answer ive probably needed to hear but didn't want to set up the pity party for the sake of doing it.
I hope I didn't come across
I hope I didn't come across as being harsh or giving you the impression that what you did was "stupid."
In reality, I don't think either of you really set out to be in this position (though I guess there are people that troll for a SO with financial means to support thim).
In the beginning, you have all that "new relationship" attraction going on. Everyone is on their best behavior and showing their partner all sorts of wonderful things about themselves. It's also easy in this pheromone rush to ignore little red flags. It's also really easy to rationalize moving quickly.. to move in and combine finances.. it will save BOTH of us money right?
But then, as most relationships will do.. the new wears off and you start to see your partner in a less rosy glow. You notice those habits that are annoying and you are also now party to the day to day aggravations of running a home.. paying bills etc...It's no longer negligee's but grey sweatpants that are much more utilitarian. I did it myself with relationships. At first you are all "interviewing for the wife role".. but after a while it grates on you that you are the only one cooking and cleaning...lol.
Also, in a way, your SO is getting what she needs out of this relationship. Perhaps the bedroom was never a big focus for her? But.. you are there to pay bills and mow lawns and keep the oil changed. She got the bull without paying for it.. why would she want to change that really? But, you now aren't getting what you thought was a package deal... a loving SO who catered to you. Maybe in a slower progression of the relationship you would have realized that you don't particularly respect the way she parents? She may have figured out that she would prefer a man who does other things differently... but by moving in during the hazy brain love phase, neither of you had a full view of what you were getting.
I think now, would probably be a good time to at minimum take a step backwards and move into a separate place. If she is interested in moving forward... I would proceed slowly and even suggest counseling to help you both learn how to better brave the whole step parent minefield.
Right now, it's probably not fair because she has given her kids so much power in your relationship. The kids are not going to give that up easily and it is going to take some serious commitment to a different dynamic for that to change. Not sure that is even possible..or whether you really even want to try.
It may be better to move on and accept that she may not have been exactly what she appeared to be on the face of things... and take it as a lesson learned.
You totally did not come
You totally did not come across that way and I appreciate your words, even more so now. Yes, we probably had the haze and the decision making ability of a 16 year old at the time. I guess we both saw what appeared to be a great opportunity for both of us. She would get stability (which she had before, she has a good paying job in law enforcement) and I would get to have a family that I never had...Just not in the cards over time. As I read through these posts, cant help but agree that I may have to move on. I guess we looked great on paper and together, but if things behind the front door aren't workable, then things aren't what they really seemed. Yes, I did want to get what I gave, in which I changed my entire life around and bought into an hour commute to my work so that she and the girls would have minimum impact, and not compo9und something that was brand new...didn't want to add a foreign environment to them. I do feel like her 13yo surveils me when I'm home alone, which I'm doing nothing wrong and the 5yo has a power base that I will never share. Thank you for the good advice!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply and thoughtful analysis of my situation. I honestly think "You're Here" in my home, in my thoughts and emotions and thought processes. This occurrence happened a year ago and thankfully nothing has come of it, probably because she is in law enforcement herself. TO some extent, she wouldn't believe it, but in a rage she might believe anything. That night that the comment was made, I just happened to overhear her saying that horrible statement. Its cliché, but I actually died a little inside that night, but hoped that over time, things would smooth out.
But, I guess I highlight it because I have either never let it go, which is true, and am truly angry about the fact that nothing was done. Maybe I felt like it should have been handled directly in front of me. She had told me that she contacted BK about this statement and everyone was aware. He is in law enforcement as well. It would seem however that as I write this, cold and emotionless replies to talk this evening after work are being met with "Ill do my best" text replies. I have never had a problem with intimacy and am the type of male who is fiercely loyal, devoted and sexual creature for the mate that I am with. I don't think that me sticking around will solve a thing and I probably sound like a jilted human at this point. I think your comments have me heading down the road to rolling out. Thank you for putting this into perspective for me, as it is very valuable feedback.
I'm a LE wife, and can tell
I'm a LE wife, and can tell you that particular job creates its own problems in many relationships. But that doesn't seem to be the primary problem for you.
ESMOD summed it up very well. You're in a non-relationship with a woman who wants to focus on her kids (and isn't parenting well at all) and her job. You're just the house elf who makes her life easier.
You gave it a shot, and it didn't work. Move out, and move on because dude, a 43 y.o. man with no kids is a CATCH! Find a nice girl and make your own family instead of trying to carve out a place for yourself in someone else's dynamic. BE HAPPY!
Thank you Julie, I really
Thank you Julie, I really appreciate that!
I was and am totally fine with the LE aspect, but in that regard even though I'm military , I somehow cant relate and am shown the door when I attempt to listen and offer advice. I am a 25 year US Navy Master Chief, whos had a career, albeit it seems I could "kick rocks" when it comes to listening. I will admit, in the beginning I interjected with her career and was probably "talking out of school". I've curtailed that over the past 6 months, yet I'm reminded of how I "used to be"...yet I no longer interject and sit and listen to her venting with patience and cautiousness, fully aware of her displeasure in my opinions.
IMHO, I've grown as a result of her feedback, as pointed as it has been. I now fully realize that LE witnesses the worst humans have to offer in their weakest and most violent moments....I am sure that it wears on her and I always wanted to be the ROCK for her. I feel like I don't wear my "Master Chief Stars" at home, yet her "Badge and Blue Line" exist as a reminder of who she is. I was never interested in her Badge(never dated a cop, not a Badge Bunny) .....I just wanted the woman...nothing more..
Thank you Again for reading my post and responding.
LE professionals put their
LE professionals put their pants on one leg at a time, just like anyone else. You can have empathy for what they experience, but that doesn't negate your needs within the relationship.
You would think that your two careers would compliment each other. I'm sorry that hasn't been the case. But regardless of what you and your GF do to make a living, she's not doing right by you. Moreover, she's raising her kids in such a way that the feces will be hitting the fan as they age.
Bottom line is, how a partner parents (or fails to) plays a huge part in whether a relationship lasts. Your GF is a shi!!y parent AND a shi!!y partner.
Ok, sooooo painful update...I
Ok, sooooo painful update...I got home yesterday, all was well, except for a migraine headache for which I threw down two Advil and a seat on the couch next to SO. 13yo sd taking out 5yo SD braids in her hair upstairs in our bathroom, brownies cooking in the oven, tense feeling in the house subsided. I sit down with a cup of coffee and SO and I start have meaningful, pleasant adult conversation about the situation we are in..... It took about 7 minutes for that to change. 13yo SD summons BK because 4yo "wants her". SO gets up, says" Ill be back in a minute". Never saw her again after an hour...
Migraine status = subsiding, I'm on the couch downstairs. 5yo sd exits her upstairs bedroom....Blurts out "Mom, tell (my name) to leave"......SO calmly "scolds" her by saying ..."Babbbyyyyy"
Talk about a soul crushing comment.... I played like I didn't hear it, but got up and went into our bedroom to shower and head to sleep after ten minutes had past.......
Fast fwd to 1000pm, when I grovel to 5yo bedroom where SO in lying in bed, preparing to co-sleep....another night. We engage in a conversation regarding the comment that apparently she didn't think I heard and I asked calmly if I heard it correctly, or was I mistaken....I get the "deer in the headlights" look followed by three different possible explanations.....I would think a comment like that would stick with her, and the truth might come out......or NOT...
I am truly being pushed out of my own house.... I think it might be TRULY time to give up....
Again, your wife is allowing
Again, your wife is allowing her kids to have more power than you in this house.
If my DH and I were having a serious discussion about the state of our relationship, any calls like the SD's would have been met with "not right now, honey... Esmod and I are talking I will come up when we are finished."
No way your relationship talk gets shoved aside unless there is a true emergency going on like the older girl has somehow cut off half the younger's hair!
The comment of "tell XX to leave" almost seems like your wife might have been discussing you with the girls... which is totally wrong if your wife is discussing your relationship problems with the girls. Now, if it was you were coming upstairs and it was in the context of the girl wasn't dressed.. that's different, but that doesn't sound like the case.
I think you definitely need to have another go at the conversation. Right now, it's the 3 of them against you. The co-sleeping that drives a wedge. The placating talk towards the girl when she expresses she wants you gone.. no intimacy. That has to turn around.. or there isn't a future to worry about.
Cmonty, please update us. How
Cmonty, please update us. How are things going, and did you have The Talk?
Hi Julie!! Well, to begin, I
Hi Julie!! Well, to begin, I was away on travel for a week. Before I left, I posted the Step Parents Bill of Rights on the refrigerator. No one said anything but 13yo daughter did notice it the day before I left and stood in front of the fridge and read it. She's a curious type who notices things, and has had a strenuous relationship with Bio dad....he's got 4 other kids with 3 other women, so he is about as worthless as they come. When I got back, I think that there was some discussion amongst the three of them. Somehow, I think that there was a talk, the tension has gone down a little. I needed to get away and reflect on my reactions to their behavior as well.
Anyway, the answer to your question is no....however, since 5yo spends every other weekend with us, with next weekend being her weekend, my SO decided it was time for a trip for just she and I, leaving 5yo with bio dad and 13yo with friends.
I think that she is beginning to get the hint that I don't feel like anything but the house elf. This gesture is noticed and The Talk will come during this trip. I'll be making the concerted effort to think my words through and abstain from any alcohol. Men are pretty simple creatures, and I don't feel like I'm asking much at all.
Bottom line, as I have thought long and hard in time alone....I think that these ladies have encountered the worst of what a "man" can do to them and offer. Maybe I thought I was some "white horse" and offered the syndrome. I think that if this isn't handled over the next two weeks, I'm not going to stick around.