Boyfriend's kids and vacations

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I am not a "stepmom"... but figured you guys know what it's like to deal with blending families. If we were married there wouldn't even be a question. And please don't read too deeply into any of my details... I'm just a detailed/character development kind of writer. And a small detail may change your advice...that's all.

I have been with my boyfriend now for a year and a half. He still has his own place, but for all intents and purposes lives with me and my two kids (10 & 12) expect on the weekends he has his kids (13 and 18 & 21... the older two are now off at college). I don't have a close relationship with his kids because I haven't been around them much. We are also very different personality-wise (his daughters and I). And the kids still have a close relationship with my bf's exgirlfriend. (They were together for three years... and that relationship ended two years ago. He is not happy that she is still a part of their lives, but the mom encourages it and he feels he doesn't have any control over it.) My relationship with my boyfriend is serious. But he has made it clear that he doesn't have a desire to get married again to anyone. I have been the only one to make him even think about reconsidering that, but he is still not at a place of being able to say that he wants to eventually get married. He would be happy with just being bf/gf forever and doesn't understand the importance "of a paper." I just add all that in to paint in more of the details.

I worked all year on a project and just got paid for it. It is just enough to take my kids and boyfriend on vacation to Disney World. Being a single mom who lives paycheck to paycheck without child support... this trip is really special. Unless things drastically change in the future... this will be the "big vacation" of my children's growing up years. I'm going to surprise them with it for Christmas.

My boyfriend talked to his exwife moments after I put a deposit down to get tips on going(which is unusual for him...they are not that close... I think he just got excited about going and knew she may have some useful info)... her and her girls go there a LOT. She tells him that he should bring his girls and that she would help pay for it if he does. (She did this on a summer trip too. I had planned a camping trip and she told him he should take his girls along.)

While that was nice of her to offer... I was really annoyed. In my mind this was my little special vacation with my kids who never get to do things like this and she had now made it into a weird thing with my boyfriend and figuring out what to do about his kids and going.

I want to go in the winter, because I live where there's a brutal winter... so that means that only the youngest would be able to go since the older two are in college.

The thing is... I really want this trip to be special for my kids. When you add another person into the vacation equation you have another person who has needs and wants to do things or doesn't want to do things or is tired or.... on and on. My kids can be a handful enough sometimes. So I really want them to be able to do what they want without having to factor in another person. And his daughter goes down there a lot. She was just down last year (and subsequent years) and will be going again in a year or two. She's a little bit of a know-it-all... not awful. But I also don't want her been-there done-that to take away from my kids new-ness to everything. I know that the daughter feels a little like my kids are taking her place in my bf's life just because he sees them everyday and he only sees her a few days a month. (Which is something that they could change... they just don't. We all live in the same small town. Both parents get a long enough to make more visits do-able if they really wanted. I certainly don't stand in the way of him seeing his daughter.) And while this trip would be special for her, because she would be spending time with her dad. Going on the actual trip wouldn't be this new and exciting thing for her because like I've said... she goes a lot. And on top of all of that... I have NO indication that things will be ending any time soon with my bf and I... Things are going very well... But his desire to never marry does put a little bit of a... if we don't stay together... then my kid's memories of their "big vacation" of their childhood is going to include some random daughter of an ex-boyfriend.

It also adds a kink in planning. The deal I got was for two adults and two kids. The resort room is on the small side with two beds. And yes the mom said she would pay for the daughter to go... but I don't even know how that would work room wise. We would have to pack in like sardines with someone on a cot... or pay over a thousand dollars for another room. On top of that there are a lot of little things to pay for that probably wouldn't be accounted for... tips when eating etc etc. Neither my boyfriend or I have a lot of extra money and those things add up. I'm already stressed that I am riding the line to be able to afford this trip.

It may sound like I'm nit-picking but I am a planner and my mind sees all the potential scenarios. It's also throwing a wrench in what I had planned...and it takes me a bit to turn things around in my head and go a different direction.

That's why I'm posting... to get other people's view points... I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings by putting my foot down on who goes on this trip. But do I keep my boundaries to keep the vacation the special vision I had for my kids? Or do I lighten up and be fine with his daughter going? (I know I'm a bit uptight... )

Thanks!

why not just take your kids

why not just take your kids and not the boyfriend? your kids would probably like that better. If you do not want to do that, just be honest with your boyfriend and tell him you want this vacation to not include his kids.

The other choice is cancel if you can and put the money in an emergency fund so you no longer live paycheck to paycheck. That would be the smart choice.

I'd take my kids only and not

I'd take my kids only and not the boyfriend honestly. Why did you decide to invite your boyfriend?

Don’t take him or his kid.

Don’t take him or his kid. Just go with your kids.

I invited him because he is a

I invited him because he is a part of our everyday lives. He basically lives with us and my kids have a good relationship with him... better than their own dad who is pretty pathetic. It would be a little weird in our situation for him not to come. Plus it's nice to have another adult to share responsibilities with and the experience with. I just only see his daughter a few hours a month at most. So she wasn't even on my radar... then I plan the trip and put the deposit down... and all-of-a-sudden her mom basically invites her on my trip!

Thanks for your input!

It sounds like the guy you

It sounds like the guy you need to take bc he is part of your everyday life would also like to bring some people he considers part of his everyday life and instead of talking to you he talked to his ex wife and she was allowed her to insert her own details in to a trip that you meant to be a foursome. Now you need to tell your SO that he alone can either go with you without them or that you will go alone BUT I also agree with Icansorelate, if you live paycheck to paycheck why not keep the money and make every day of the year a little less stressed instead of blowing it on a vacation? Vacations are for people that can afford to go out of town. In mind if you live paycheck to paycheck you have a staycation.

Tell him the room is too

Tell him the room is too small. The resort won't allow another person in the room.

Or, have a heart to heart with him.
Tell him what you've told us.
His daughter has been before and will go again. Maybe in the future you'll all go but this first time you want to experience it with only your kids.
Having her along will change the dynamics of the trip. Admit to being selfish and wanting this to be about you and your kids. There is nothing wrong with that.
You can say no.

He'll either understand or he won't and then you'll have to deal with that.

Wanting it to be about her

Wanting it to be about her and her kids is great UNTIL she wants to include him while excluding his bios.

What is so wrong about

What is so wrong about including him but not his bios?

It can go the other way too. He can take his kids and her somewhere, while her kids don't go.

All this, it has to be fair BS is just that BS. Life isn't fair. If she wants to be selfish and not have SD along then she needs to admit it, own it and let him decide what he wants to do.

If he decides that he doesn't want to go without SD then OP needs to figure out what she really wants.

Take your kids alone this

Take your kids alone this time. Tell your BF that all of you can do a trip together next time.

If you stay on site, when you check in, check the packet of stiff you get at check in to see if they included a bounce back offer. That is a discount on a future that had to be booked during your current trip.

You invited him. You didn't

You invited him. You didn't invite him to invite his kid - especially if she has been multiple times.

This is supposed to be a special trip for your kids? Either you go with only your kids - and not your BF, or you go as a 4-some.

This is a lesson in step parenting - sometimes or many times you are going to be put in a position where your spouse makes things that are supposed to be special to you, run of the mill because of "been there, done that".

If you want this to be special to your kids, make it special and don't take SD. You may even need to leave BF at home if he resists. You can not get a do-over on a first time.

"My relationship with my

"My relationship with my boyfriend is serious. But he has made it clear that he doesn't have a desire to get married again to anyone. I have been the only one to make him even think about reconsidering that, but he is still not at a place of being able to say that he wants to eventually get married. He would be happy with just being bf/gf forever and doesn't understand the importance 'of a paper.'"

Wwwwwwell... I'd be asking myself if he's worth taking to Disneyland with you and your daughters. But that's my thinking.

If you planned a vacation with him, GO. If his ex or anyone else wants his daughters to go, that's a separate deal and can be like a different family. You shouldn't need to coordinate to include them. No need to be a people-pleaser on this...

I would go with just your

I would go with just your kids and save the money you would have spent bringing your boyfriend. Single mom with 2 kids and living paycheck to paycheck, stable finances come first, way before vacation.

Honestly I would just save the whole amount and not take the trip at all. See how things go over the next year or two, get 6 months of emergency savings built up and then go on vacation.

^THIS^ was what I was really

^THIS^ was what I was really wanting to say, though I was thinking you already reserved the tickets?

Not sure how much your heart is set on vacation with your daughters, but I get the "window of opportunity" as they "age out" of this kind of vacation and there would be NO magic as adults.

My skids are late 20s early

My skids are late 20s early 30s and they have been to Disney about 5 times in the last 10 years. You are never too old for Disney.

I will be 50 next month and I

I will be 50 next month and I already have have 2 Disney trips booked for 2018

I'm going in Jan with my

I'm going in Jan with my exSIL and niece.
We are all adults and I'm sooooooo excited!

"Single mom with 2 kids and

"Single mom with 2 kids and living paycheck to paycheck, stable finances come first, way before vacation."

Oh damn, you are spot on. Splurging on the boyfriend when living that close to the edge isn't a good idea. Heck, as much as I love Disney World, the whole trip is a bad idea at this point in time

I also agree that a savings

I also agree that a savings fund would be most responsible. But.....if you are dead set on the trip then I would tell bf that he is welcome to come and share cost in your room. If he wants his kid (s) to go, he needs to arrange for a room for himself and them.

I also agree that a savings

"What makes you think it's ok

"What makes you think it's ok to discuss the trip I invited you along to with your ex, and what makes you think it's ok for her to invite your kids on the trip I invited you on?"

If he wants to bring his kids

If he wants to bring his kids along, consider them getting a separate room. I truly understand you strong desire to have the BF and part of the adventure, but would your kids enjoy themselves with his kids going?

This is the tough situation may of the blended bio families are in. I cringe when my DH asks his adult children to go with us anywhere because we end up paying for everyone and if I wanted his kids to go, I would have asked them to go.

To make this special for your children, you too have to be in the moment with them and not distracted by bf and his children. Consider just going with you children...alone.

OP, if your boyfriend invited

OP, if your boyfriend invited you to vacation with him and kids without your bios, would you go?

Y’know... My situation DW’s

Y’know...
My situation
DW’s ex is married to a gal who has some significant insecurities. She hates football (American football - anything else is just something else LOL), but DW’s ex and DW’s son love it. The ex’s wife bought two tickets to the Dallas Cowboys game and gave them as a surprise so the guys could go. Suddenly, she decided she wanted to go and SS was out... kinda crappy move.

DW bought tickets for her and both of her kids to the same game (I declined to go, too expensive).

So that game, DW’s ex (who hates football) and SD (who doesn’t care about football) were occupying hundreds of dollars worth of space in a stadium to watch a game they don’t care about, in high enough seats that they wound up watching on the JumboTron anyway. SD and DW’s ex’s new wife just couldn’t stand someone else getting to go see a game without them. Or something.

Was a nice quiet day for me LOL.

Think of it this way, you are

Think of it this way, you are having a party and you only reserved a table for four. On top of that you are paying for the whole thing and only have funds for the four people.

One of the friends shows up with a friend and doesn't see the big deal of them pulling up another chair, they offer to cover the cost of the friends plate.

The establishment however says no, they cannot make it a five person table, if the person with the extra would like their own table, they can accomindate them, but they can not change the table to five.

At the point the friend has a choice, either accept the fact and sit at their own table, send the person who wasn't invited by the host home, or leave with the uninvited friend.

In this instance your BF has a choice, either go with you and leave SD home seeing as this trip was set up by you for four people only, and since you are hosting he is merely a guest without say over who gets to come and go! Or he can set up his own reservations for him and SD and pay his own way.

Good point. How’s this,

Good point. How’s this, too...

If someone can’t see getting married to me, I can’t see why I’d splurge on a Disney vacation with that person. Not saying he’s not worth taking along, but maybe if you simply said you did some thinking and wanted it to be special for your daughters - and something special for you and him - but *someone else* is watering it down and you’re considering going w your daughters as something special between you and them.

Do what YOU want to do. I

Do what YOU want to do. I will say this,,,you originally invited your BF. In my opinion it was rude of him to assume anything outside of the invitation you gave him.

This is two years old almost three 12/2017

The trip already took place. It would be nice for an update. Of the result

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Boyfriend's kids and vacations