Not TRYING to be a jerk, but...
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DW's kids are with their dad this week. They come over in the morning to catch the bus to school. They were to be over at 0645 (half hour earlier than usual). DW told SS, "That's early! Well, don't wake us up."
This morning, SD walks straight into the bedroom and starts whispering, "Mommy... mommy... mommy..." Dogs are stirring and waking up, I ask, "What's going on?" Maybe a little sharp... "I was just wanting to say hi to my mom!" They said their good mornings, and SD went back out to the living room. DW asked, "Why did you yell at her?"
Sorry, I'm just thinking she needs to teach her kids to respect my boundaries. Maybe I'll start sleeping naked so they'll learn to not come into our bedroom like it's a public area anymore...
you're not. She told the kids
you're not. She told the kids not to wake you up. Yet...that's exactly what they did. Who cares if it was "to say hi."
Wanting to provide affection/greet someone isn't an excuse for getting around the rules. SS tries that crap all the time... he's not allowed to come into the garage anymore, period.... YET.... still comes in ALL THE TIME to give his dad a hug or a kiss.
I haven't said anything to DH about it yet, but I will eventually say something along the lines of... "ss you know you're not supposed to be in here - can't you wait until dad goes in to give him a kiss? Why do you need to come in here, where you're not allowed, to give him a kiss?"
Sleep naked. What's your DW gonna say? No, you can't sleep naked in your own bed in case someone else comes in the room? lol
wth - I would've told DW -
wth - I would've told DW - you told the kids not to wake us up.... I'm not yelling I just woke up...
I will tell |DW - this ends now, your children are not allowed to enter our room and if they are with their father it's his problem, either they accept the boundaries at home with us, or they stay with their father, no sort this crap out.
No, you are not a jerk, you
No, you are not a jerk, you stated your feelings ahead of time to your wife. SHE should have been up to greet her sweeties and allowed you to sleep. That is the way it works, 101 respect. You have every right to be respected in your own home. Next time lock the bedroom door-- now that your desires are not a consideration of your wife; maybe she'll get the message.
Your wife has responsibility for her kids, she gets her lazy butt up early (as she has agreed), and greets them as they enter; you should never be bothered. You have every right to be upset with HER.
If mom knows what time her
If mom knows what time her kids are coming, I think she should be up to greet them. NORMAL kids want to say hello/goodbye to their parents.
This. Disney is exactly
This. Disney is exactly right. Why didn't your DW get up to mind her children?
Ssssso... "Hon, every morning
Ssssso...
"Hon, every morning the kids are here, you go into the living room with them and I seldom interrupt your mother-kid time out of respect for your relationship with them. When the kids are at your ex's, for you and me, it will be a lot more successful in the future if you'll be up to greet them when they get here. Last night, you knew what time they were coming, so I don't understand how you can't understand why I was perturbed. I don't interrupt your times with them, though I'm starting to wonder if you don't value your and my time enough to set that boundary with them."
Is it worth causing a fight
Is it worth causing a fight that the kid wanted to come say hi to his mom in the morning? Personally I think it's sweet and a good sign they still care enough. Yeah I understand it can be annoying but its a kid. Do you really want to make her choose between you and them or can you get over yourself enough to see its a child who loves mom and wants to say hi in the morning. Sure tell her "your child is not welcome unless it's your time according to the CO so go away in the morning so I don't have to even hear them because I want to pretend they don't exist."
It's not like the child is running in the room and pushing you out of bed but basically your telling them "Your not welcome in the morning. Your mother is mine and your not allowed to see her during that time because it disturbes me."
SO's youngest comes in all the time just to say "I love you." It's a part of having kids. They want attention from adults. I could tell him to stop doing it or do what I do "That nice X. Go play."
Also part of having kids is
Also part of having kids is setting boundaries.
I don't think he's telling the kids that at all... I think he wants, like many parents, for the marital bedroom to not be full access to the kids.
I don't allow my kids in my bedroom either... when DH and ss first started staying over, ss would barge in all the time. He'd climb into the bed. He'd open the door. He'd play on the floor. Whatever.
Eventually I told DH that I wasn't comfortable with his son barging into my bedroom when I didn't even let my OWN kids come in... he responded with "he's only 3". I told him that I understood that, but that at 3, my kids weren't allowed in, either. They were taught to knock and wait for permission to enter. I told him that my bedroom was my kid-free space - and that I'd really prefer that he either get ss to play in his room, or get up with him, because I wasn't going to start wearing pjs to bed just so ss could come and go as he pleased without catching a glimpse of boob while preventing me from continuing to sleep... and that I expected ss to respect that this space was not for him to enjoy.
Being woken up by a child, I understand is part of the package - they don't necessarily do it on purpose... they're just loud and demanding, that's just how it is... but after a few weeks of DH getting up with SS but dozing on the couch while ss was being his loud child-like self, I came down one morning and asked ss - why do you need to wake everyone else up just because you're up? DH got the hint pretty quickly, and kept ss mostly quiet after that.
Sure the kid can say hi in the morning... but the kid's need to say hi by barging into the bedroom and waking up the parents is not more important than them being taught boundaries and taught to respect them - there are a couple ways this can be avoided... mom can get up to greet the kids... kids can be taught to respect personal space and knock... Java could have said "I thought you told them not to wake us up"... oh they wanted to say hi... that's more important than them obeying, then?
To each his own. Mine, is no kids in my bedroom, period. I don't care if you just want to say hi. You can wait. lol
I agree, no kids in my
I agree, no kids in my bedroom. You have to have some space that is private.
I agree with knocking and we
I agree with knocking and we are working on that right now but this isn't the kid coming in to stay in. It's a quick hi before leaving from what I understand.
It should be something along the lines of
knock
Parent- what?
Kid- Just wanted to say hi, I love you.
Parent- Thank you, love you too, enjoy school
Done.
These kids are old enough to handle themselves it seems but putting myself in mom's place I would want to know they made it ok and that doesn't require me getting up completely. I remember when I started working my mom wanted a quick hello when I got home even though she'd gone to bed a few hours before. I know they both slept naked but I'd knock at the door and just give a quick hi through the crack. I think this could be a decent middle ground.
I understand wanting space to oneself but at the same time it shouldn't mean the kids can't even knock and say hi from the door. It's about finding that middle ground. I think demanding wife get up and leave bed is a bit much to avoid hearing a short hello and I love you in the morning. I think it would be looking for a fight.
Again I agree with kid should knock and doesn't need to enter completely. Light shouldn't have to be turned on and they shouldn't come to the bed but I think being able to tolerate the kid at the door for a moment is worth avoiding the fight and issues that could be caused if this is handled wrong.
Allow me to paint more of the
Allow me to paint more of the picture:
These kids interrupt us in conversations ALL THE TIME. It's like I'm not even there. I've told her that it annoys me greatly. Her response? "Oh, I've always found that they'll just keep pestering me till I answer them, so I just go ahead and answer."
She never set that boundary when they were toddlers, now they're tween and teen and will have to learn it on their own. That's a boundary I was raised with and I raised my kids with. I've known an adult who interrupted people all the time, and I soon came to loathe her.
Her kids come into our bedroom all the time - it's a common area to them. I don't mind, as long as they're escorted - and as long as they don't touch anything that isn't theirs. Her policy? "I have an open-door policy with my kids."
She never set the boundary for US. HER policy may be "open-door," but did she think to consider mine? Never.
Her kids do things to get attention, and think it's funny to roust the dogs. If the dogs are with DW and me, they will make noises to attract the dogs, spool them up, and in this case, leave when it's time (but the dogs are up).
Not a lot of respect for me from the SKids, and DW tightens up a little when I say something - but her default position seems to be like Outback Steakhouse... "No rules. Just right." However, it works more like "No accountability. All wrong."
I'm sure she wants them to remember a happy and fun childhood. At the rate these kids are going, they sure AF will... because they'll have SOs and bosses and adult friends and coworkers who will all think "Who raised this bratty turd??" and not keep the relationship going - and these kids will always remember how nice mommie was and how she let them have anything they wanted.
Eh. Effit... NMK/NMP.
have you asked her...did your
have you asked her...did your parents not teach you not to interrupt?
have you asked her... you might have an open door policy with your kids...but have you realized this is my door too?
She said her dad was a real
She said her dad was a real hardaxx. Her older sister and brother got along fine with him because they did what was expected of them, but she was the rambunctious one. I really think he set expectations and boundaries, and he was pretty self-disciplined, and most likely to him (as with me), punks are weak. I just don't make time for them.
Ummm.... What if they were
Ummm....
What if they were doing the deed ? Or he was coming naked out of the shower?
The kids can say hello in any setting they do not have to be in bedroom to be doing so.
In fact the adults bedroom should be a child free zone after a certain age(determined by indivisual families.(
My DH used to do the
My DH used to do the opposite. I would watch is kids on the days I was off and he wasn't. Every single time he would go into their rooms before he left and kiss them goodbye...and wake them up. So, I would have two kids up at 6am on my days off and could never sleep in. We got into a few arguments about it. He said he will kiss his kids anytime he wants. I said he's right. From now on he can go to BM's house to kiss them goodbye because I wasn't babysitting anymore. Surprise, surprise, he stopped waking them up at 6am before he left for the day.
If I were you, I would have a conversation about it with your DW, and then start sleeping naked.
My hubby and I DO sleep
My hubby and I DO sleep naked.....works out very well for years and years now.
Agreed. The kids all know we
Agreed.
The kids all know we do too, so we get a polite quiet knock on the door in the event of a need haha, no barging in.
I also agree that it is common courtesy to slip out of bed and send your own kids off (if that's what they require). I don't roust my SO for that.
I don't ask a lot. But I
I don't ask a lot. But I expect some plan to develop these kids with a degree of consistency. So far, she plays everything by ear, which isn't a problem except for the fact that DW DOESN'T BELIEVE IN STRUCTURE AT ALL. Schedule? Nope. Details for the plans? No need. Maps for the trip? I know where I'm going. Budget? HA! What's funny is she follows recipes when cooking. I love her very much!
Yeah, I get it. DH is the
Yeah, I get it. DH is the same way.
Apparently HE was raised with few rules as well and he turned out ok, right?
Except he does have some issues dealing with cleaning, financial responsibility and some accountability. He's been able to surmount a lot but as an ADULT not as a kid, when you have, supposedly, parental support. Maybe come at it with this tactic? It's not worked with my DH so maybe not.
His step-dad was not a nice man when DH was younger, so he's got a severe reaction to any discipline or rules. It's the opposite of hard-azz because he doesn't want to be like him. So my reaction to that was so he doesn't let me do it either? Then I'm done asking.
I did set the rules for our bedroom. DH wasn't happy about it. SD11 (then 10) was perfectly fine with knocking first. SD13 (then 11) was not. She'd just waltz in. It took one last time when DH didn't react and me sitting up in bed, quickly, pointing at the door and saying, not yelling, "Get. Out. And. Knock." She took that seriously, plus walking in when I was totally naked, getting dressed an me saying, "WHAT are you doing?!" She hasn't done it since. Although I think she sometimes uses our bath on the main floor b/c I've found her barrettes in there (and those disappeared).
AS for DH not wanting to plan, no structure, letting SDs call the shots, I leave that up to him. I do not plan, I do not help (unless I want to), I do not lead I do not do anything - that's his job. And if they drive him nuts then he can deal with it. I won't even discuss things like his frustration with his younger SD going to a friend's house without asking about a ride home. He lets her, he deals with it.
No way would I want to be
No way would I want to be woken up by skids! Especially ones that have no boundaries in the first place. You are not a jerk.
Awesomeness. So I woke up to
Awesomeness.
So I woke up to put the dog out this morning. Got him back in, started the coffee pot, then had to take in some yard deco for the lawn guy's ease of work. Took the trash can back up the driveway. Froze my bare feet off...
When I was in the kitchen, I saw a car pull up. SKids being dropped off by DW's ex's new wife. Yay...
Thing 1 and Thing 2 ran into the house about 0650, blabberblabberblabbering out loud, stirring up the dogs. I said, "Good morning!" semi-sarcastically.
"Oh. Good morning." And they ran back to the master bedroom to blabber to mommie. I sat in bed sipping my coffee, but when SD jumped up on the bed, that was it - I left the room.
This was totally unexpected for both DW and me. Tonight, the clothes will be on the floor. If those kids get an eyeful of "can't be unseen" tomorrow, TBSS. *holds hand up like a salute* I've had it up to here.
Ss12 knew not to walk in just
Ss12 knew not to walk in just go to living
Ss6(then ss4) used to climb into our bed anytime he wanted. To put a stop to that we gave him his own bed and would move him there.(so much easier at 4)
To this day if ss6 sneaks into bedroom and I am there he turns around and quietly walks away
Lol.. Being a scary witch when he was 4 paid off
When I was a kid, I wasn't
When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to go in my parents bedroom and say anything to my mother, because my dad was sleeping and I wasn't allowed to wake him up. That was a boundary my parents set early on. I don't think it's unreasonable for kids to know that there are certain areas of the house that are off limits. Kids typically like their rooms to be private spaces, so they should give their parents the same respect. DH's kids know they aren't allowed in our bedroom and they never come in when I have the door closed.
Same here...after a certain
Same here...after a certain age I had to sleep in my own bed.
If I awoke i was supposed to stay in bed until an adult was getting me up
No sneaking or waking up anyone.(I was schoolage and could go to bathroom but then straight back to bed). It is part of respecting adults.
Have DW take bodoir photos
Have DW take bodoir photos with you
Frame pretty and hang visible from the door!
Voila...no kids will enter your s*x dungeon ever!
SKids are with DW's ex this
SKids are with DW's ex this week.
DW on business this week.
I have the place all to myself this week. Well, sort of...
Thing 1 and Thing 2 popped in unannounced this morning, ignored me as they walked in. They played with the dogs while I was trying to feed them and give the diabetic one his insulin shot.
I said, "Ah, didn't know you were coming, but since you're both here, please tend to the cat, scoop the litter box, and so on." They did.
SS surveyed the pantry for goodies. Surely, he saw some things I'd purchased for myself and is planning on eating when he gets out of school on his way to his dad's house.
They left without saying a word and went to the bus stop.
I went to put one more thing in the recycling bin at the street, shouted out, "Bye, guys!" and waved.
They waved and shouted back.
I went back in and squirreled away some of my food so I will get to have it.
It'll probably go about the same tomorrow, so I need to come up with a really, umm, HELPFUL task for them. Tend to the cat, annnnd... Ideas?
After school too?! Ahh...no!
After school too?! Ahh...no! I would not be there, and the house would be locked up. I'm sure your DW made arrangements for HER kids in her absence right? If she didn't ..oh well, not your problem. You could also clue in BD?
lol... stand by the door...
lol... stand by the door... when they try to put the key in... hold the lock so they can't open it... does their dad drop them off? Surely the dad will want to make sure the kids get in the house... if dad comes to the door, step back a few steps and just as dad opens the door it looks like you're on your way to open it... look confused... hey dad, DW is away, why are the kids coming if she's not here to take care of them? I'll see you guys next week, hmm? Bye!
I'm at work, so these kids
I'm at work, so these kids are unsupervised for a couple hours on those days DW is out and SKids are with DW's Ex. It's really only a few days out of the month, so I think it's survivable. If either SKid started to show an interest in my bottle of Maker's Mark or any other contraband, DW and I will have some serious discussions about the arrangement.
As for DW's ex, he was bemoaning the kids being "left unsupervised" at her house, however once it's something that inconveniences HIM, he rolls over pretty quick and agrees that a little time unsupervised isn't all that bad. His new wife SURELY has made it clear that she WILL NOT be put out of her way. She's quite the Princess, and someone I'd NEVER be able to make things work with. She's not even particularly physically appealing, but we've been told several times that her mom is REALLY wealthy (Read: LOADED), so I think I know what Mr Socialclimber was looking for LOL...
I've locked doors in the past, but that wasn't well received. I don't like playing games, but they sure don't like respecting my boundaries. If DW won't teach them my boundaries, I pretty much have to. I've told them in the past that a little heads-up is polite, but not giving one is rude. Once, while I was out in the driveway at MY house before we got official, SD got out of her dad's car and said, "We were going to call you, but didn't." Ha, I noticed that... Nothing says "F U" louder than repeated blatant disrespect over the day-to-day things. Sounded like, "I meant to show you some respect, but then realized that since I don't respect you, I don't need to fake it."
lol... I don't take kindly to
lol... I don't take kindly to having someone else's responsibilities dumped on me. If I'm expected to share my time, energy and resources, you better ask if I'm willing to share... lol
Yeahhhhh, mmmmkay? It's
Yeahhhhh, mmmmkay?
It's wearing on me, no exaggeration.
I say something.
She gets better.
She drifts off course again.
Repeat.
Most marriages have this.
What's a pain is that Thing 1 and Thing 2 do EXACTLY what she does, and so it's THREE PEOPLE doing the same:
I say something.
Kid gets better.
Kid drifts off course again.
Repeat.
DW's Ex seems to think it's NBD as well. Probably bc Thing 1 and Thing 2 tell him I am OK with it - when they haven't bothered asking me (though I'm sure they know I'd tell them the truth if they asked). I probably need to reach out to him directly, but he's a TOOL. I've already had to tell him he needs to be a mensch after he told the kids their grandmother had passed instead of DW telling them (it was her mom); he wasn't particularly keen on that little exchange, so we don't really talk. I have ZERO respect for his Holy Sorryness.
"We were going to call you,
"We were going to call you, but didn't."
They're lazy. It's typical of kids this age to fail to plan ahead.
And yes, I completely agree with hiding your snacks. DW wouldn't like it either.
Yup. Been that way all along.
Yup. Been that way all along. DW says, "It's their home, too." I counter with, "On YOUR week, not HIS." It's a minor sticking point, she won't budge - and it only bothers me when they come unexpectedly/unannounced OR when they bring a friend OR when they look at the food I got for my week of "bachelor time" and cherry-pick the best stuff for themselves. I get the notion DW thinks I'm being petty. I promise, were the shoe on the other foot, she wouldn't like it.
Why do skids even have a key
Why do skids even have a key to your place on his week. They leave the keys at your home on his week.(understanding that sounds harsh considering it is for their own good to be inside etc.)A reason I am saying that is bc of safety. What if they lose their keys when at nonmenschs house. Forget to tell you and someone finds them then breaks in? Also you never know who hangs out at his house....
How old are Skids?
What are some chores you hate doing?
"Pick it up" is one of my faves-ss6 and Ss12 do this after every major activity(think eating, sleeping...Playing....)-they pick up the stuff and put it away where it belongs and toss trash in trash
Ss12 washes dishes and helps his dad with whayever chore. He also dusts and cleans all the nonglass aurfaces in my living room.oh he loves to vacuum and fold bed sheets with my help.
Ss6 puts things away and is very interested in cooking. He beats eggs and fetches things when dad cooks. He picks up his toys, clothes and trash and puts it away. He also likes to clean flat surfaces.
I wonder what would happen if you taught the kids to clean on -menschs (I am calling your skids BD minusmensch in my head) BDweek? Would they still want to come over to a list of chores?(it occurs to me that this could be a win win for you and your Dw if presented to her correctly)
We're keyless, have Schlage
We're keyless, have Schlage keypad locks. They have a code, and I installed these because I wanted to ensure they'd be able to get in but not have a key to lose or "loan" to fiends. It's a trade-off... They get access anytime they need it so that if something comes up and an adult is delayed, they can at least get in from the frequently nasty weather. After observing some of my fiends as a teen, there's NO WAY I would let these have a key. They'd lend a key, someone would copy it, and then several unknown kids would have keys - and re-keying was EXPENSIVE. With these, I can reprogram the code, and that's all I gotta worry about.
SKids are 12 & 13.
I don't hate any chores. I hate it when I do them, then they mess up what I did and I have to redo it. Happens a lot. DW just takes it in stride, but to me, it's disrespectful. It's also a hassle when they "aren't here" on weeks like this, but they ARE here just long enough to eat food I bought for myself and leave messes behind for me to clean up, etc... Believe me, it's like I'm a bachelor and still have a whole single dad's workload, but none of the benefits.
When I changed jobs this year
When I changed jobs this year i made sure to request Mondays off permanently. That is my day for me- no hubs(at work) and no Skids. Bonus: If a Monday Holiday hubs has off. Those Mondays become date days if not skids.
It sure has helped my sanity.(hubs has weekends off but we have Skids every weekend).about every 2 nonths I let the BMs know that they will have Sss on a weekend, usually 2-3 weeks in advance. Also a huge sanity saver for hubs.
Following up... DW was out of
Following up...
DW was out of town this week, coming home this weekend.
I had my son (19) over so I could help facilitate his induction to the Army (arduous week, but he's now joined, MOS 16K). He feels funny about doors being unlocked in an unfamiliar house, so he wants the doors locked (including storm door) - besides, he is a little self conscious when SKids are milling about the house in the morning while he's still in his undies sporting his "morning wood." It's usually a private time for him, but with these kids, "privacy boundaries" are still pretty one-sided (was sorta that way for me about that age as well, I didn't really get the "adult house guest" thing because "kids sleeping over" boundaries were those with which I was more familiar. Anyway, it is something that still needs to be taught...
So we kept all the doors locked unless SKids texted ahead of time to let me know when they'd be there. DW called and seemed to be asking a lot of questions, so I'm sure they told her we were locking the door... that night, she called and in conversation, I mentioned them stopping by unexpectedly. SHORTLY AFTER, SS texted to say they'd be over about 7AM, and I unlocked the storm door so they could access keypad. All I ask is that they respect my boundaries (don't mess with my stuff, don't act like annoying twits, don't give me extra chores, etc), and let me know what's up ahead of time so I can work it into my schedule. "A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." I need a Curmudgeon Wall with signs like that on it.
Anyway, the SKids seem to be getting it. I'm sure once DW gets back, the structure will be dismantled, but they really need to know this is how I operate (and about 80% of the world).
Good that they at least
Good that they at least listen.
A schlage keypad is a great idea(I might just copy it for when time comes at my house
Kwikset makes one as well,
Kwikset makes one as well, and they also have the SmartKey where if there's some key shenanigans going on, you can re-key them yourself. I had those on the previous house, went with Schlage this time around; to the consumer, they're pretty comparable because the Schlage is maybe a little bit better-built, but a bit more expensive - but the SmartKey feature is awesome. Re-keying without the Kwikset SmartKey or a similar product would be a PITA (and expensive!). To date, I believe that only Kwikset makes this.