Mixed Emotions! Heartbroken but relieved! Is this normal?
Hi everyone!
To start, I’m so glad I found this forum because I really thought I was alone in my thoughts and situation!
To give some background - I’m a married mother of 5 children, 3 biological boys, one SS, and one SD. They all have the same father (my husband). My two SC have the same mother. I came into their lives when they were 3 and 18 months old. There bio mom was given supervised visitations when my husband and she divorced, which she participated in for about a year and then stopped all contact without explanation. I have raised my SS and SD. They are now 14 (SS) and 12 (SD).
Now, to get to the problem. I have reached a point where I think my SS was going to ruin our family. My SS has some horrible characteristics and they have come to a boiling point. He constantly “stirred the pot” at home and at school, mostly putting kids against each other, then sitting back and watching. The last straw was when he broke my 8 year old son’s femur (his half-brother) which required emergency surgery. The younger boys were playing outside when my SS, who had been told numerous times before not to play with them when they were playing contact sports (because he was too rough) snuck outside and pulled my 8 year old son’s leg out from under him then fell on his thigh, crushing his femur. The 8 year old is a very accomplished athlete, something my SS was not but wanted to be (but lacked the drive to practice). Part of me thinks this may have been done out of spite, but he didn’t mean to go as far as he did (does that make sense)? He did not express any remorse and actually tried to blame the 8 year old for the break. At that point, I was fed up and really started to wonder about his mental stability. This was after years of him lying, stealing, and trying to manipulate. Even after this accident, my husband and I tried to redirect him and tried to get him to accept responsibility, but to no avail.
Last week, we found out that he used my debt card to buy a cellphone from the local dollar store and had been buying minutes each time he ran an errand. I honestly don’t check my account every day and I had him give me the receipts from the store, so I didn’t look for any oddities. Thinking back he probably made 2 separate transactions and I was too stupid to catch it! I really wanted to truss he was trying to do better. We don’t allow any of our children to have cell phones as they do not need them, one of us is always with them. We live one block from the dollar store and I thought I could trust him to go buy a few items. I was wrong. After trying everything we could to redirect, my husband decided to get in contact with his biological mother, who lives two hours away, and we decided he would go and live with her and her girlfriend for a while. When my husband offered to forgo all her back owed child support she happily agreed. We thought maybe him living a different life he might appreciate the fact that we worked so hard to give them all good lives. My husband also thought maybe he was lashing out because he didn’t know her, so maybe letting him spend time with her would change him, even though he never asked us anything about her or to spend time with her. However, since about age 8 he has always been very aloof with his feelings and really very stoic. We took him one week ago to stay with his bio mother.
Our house has been so different! There is no fighting or yelling amongst the kids, I do not have to lock up the valuables, and the tension in the house is gone. However, I still feel a hole in my heart. I found out that he started a Facebook acct the day he got to his bio mom’s house. He put her as his mother and her girlfriend as his stepmother. I was crushed. I don’t know why I have such mixed feelings. I guess I feel like I raised him for 12 years with no sign of her, but he felt that he could so easily forget me. However, on the same hand I think I’m happy he is gone because the other children “feel safe now.”
I honestly feel he has sociopathic tendencies, because he only cared about himself, never took responsibility, and was a compulsive liar, even over trivial matters. My husband said it was all choices he made and I shouldn’t try to convince myself he had “a reason to act that way,” but I can’t come to terms with that, not yet. Why do I feel so sad and upset when he was so quick to replace not only me, but his father, and siblings he grew up with (she has 2 younger children who he happily displayed were his brother and sister with no mention of his half brothers here or is sister here). Has anyone experienced this before? I don’t know how to stop racking my brain about it.
Honestly, our household is so much better now. I am not afraid for my other children’s safety, no one is lying or stealing, and the kids have expressed that they feel safe. Yet, I still am afraid for him and his future. I still wonder what we should have done different. Has anyone been in the same situation? Please feel free to ask any questions! I tried to add 12 years of life in a few paragraphs, so I’m sure I didn’t paint a whole picture or maybe even make sense! My brain and heart are honestly so tired at this point!
Thank you all for taking time to read this! I appreciate any and all feedback!
Hi there, It's perfectly
Hi there,
It's perfectly understandable to me at least that you would feel this way. It does sound like he is a sociopath. There is a book out right now written by a sociopath that you could look up. It has sociopath in the title. Sorry I don't remember exactly. But if your SS is one then there is nothing at all you can do about it.
Do keep in mind though that in all likelihood he has no feelings for his new family. It sounds like calculated action to hurt you.
Either that or he is hurt and lashing out. The former seems most likely but you know him best.
I would just like to say how great it is that you and your husband are united and happy.
Hugs to you. Just remember: this too shall pass. And quite honestly if your other children did not feel, understandably so, then it is/was your duty to remove this child from your home.
Sad but true.
Good luck and ya know - just stop worrying!
This is different, not
This is different, not involving steps, but I'm familiar with a mother in a somewhat similar situation where she had two of her own children and then adopted five, for a total of seven children. One of her adopted children had some psychotic tendencies from an early age, and like your SS, wound up controlling and basically running the entire household until she finally "took off" around age 16. In this case, she may have been sexually abusing some of her adoptive siblings. This would have been approx. 20 years ago that this occurred. The only contact they have had since the 16 year old took off, is that she calls them every year or two and talks about how she is married now and has such a wonderful life. However, every time she calls, she is married to a different person. All made up.
Anyway, the mom in this situation told me, just like you, how her entire family situation changed for the better after she 16 YO left. It was like a huge burden was lifted, and her other children all began to suddenly bloom and grow and be the better for it. What you mentioned above can happen with any family, whether it is an adoptive family, step-family or initial family. It is just one of those hard facts of life.
I don't know if it occurred right away, but the adoptive mom was very relieved that this particular child "took off," and instead took joy in the fact that the rest of her children were now doing so much better. I could sense the mom felt at some guilt over "abandoning" this particular child, but the reality is she did her best, and so did you, I'm sure.
Your SS is still somewhat young, but if he's happy, your other kids are happy, and your DH is happy, time for you to let it go and focus on those still at home. And, I know you may not be able to see this yet, but pls., let sleeping dogs lie and keep your fingers crossed that he stays with BM and her partner as long as possible.
I agree with the previous
I agree with the previous poster that it is perfectly normal to feel that way. My SD13 is alot like your SS. She caused so much tension in our house. She relentlessly bullied my bio kids and SD11. We were forced to send her back to her mom's house. She did the same thing as your SS. She has on her FB that her father is her stepfather. She refuses to talk to DH, except when she wants something. I wasn't involved in her life, as long as you were involved with your SS. Despite that, I feel exactly the same way as you. I always wonder if there was something we could have done differently. I hate that my DH has no relationship with his daughter, as I know it really hurts him. But I would never let her come back to live at our house. She caused physical harm to the other kids, especially her bio sister. No one felt safe with her in the house.
All you can do is take it one day at a time. And I also agree with the previous poster that your SS may have put that stuff on FB to hurt you. At this point, I would take a break from his FB. Don't take anything too personally. I would try to relax and enjoy the peace in your house.
Aw sorry to hear that. I
Aw sorry to hear that. I agree with the first poster that he likely doesn't have feelings for his new family but has other reasons to post that. I would try not to take it personally.
Also you did what you had to do. Whenever I have to do something I know is right but feels bad I do take comfort in knowing it was the right thing.
You are the gate keeper of
You are the gate keeper of your bio kids. And so is their bio dad.
You are responsible for their well being and safety.
I feel awful for your bio son.
PROTECT YOUR KIDS FIRST, always. No immoral or illegal act when protecting your children. WE are required to.
of course Mummy and GF will
of course Mummy and GF will be his new best parents ever, wait till the honeymoon is over and they send him back... then you will have to deal with him again,
Now for the future, always put your children's safety first, and always keep your valuables locked up. Make sure you and DH remains on the same page with this kid, consequences for his actions and discipline, there's nothing more that you can do. Next time he steals something file a police rapport.
SS sounds like a Narcissist
SS sounds like a Narcissist to me.
its sad to say but many
its sad to say but many sociopaths start out with bad child hood behaviour. if you study criminiology many people who commit shocking crims have a history of child hood sociopathy such as injuring people and animals for fun, lying and stealing etc
i am so glad to hear your h and sent to son to be elsewhere. its a quick solution as the boy needs therapy and now he is someone elses problem.
i married my dh when the skids were all under 6. only one turned out to be a solid citizen adult. the other two lie, take drugs, wreck cars, make other people miserable. one skid bullied a co worker so much the co worker had to quit. hows that for sociopath?