I Can’t Do This Anymore
I am a step-mom to two adult children. Neither work. Both are on welfare. Both treat their father terribly until they want something. The latest is Child Protective Services took my stepgrandchild away from one of my stepdaughters. Guess who showed up at our door wanting help? This SD has not called our house *once* in 5 years. Since her daughter was taken away she calls daily, often more than once. She would not let my husband see his granddaughter and now she and he are the best of friends. They go for hikes together and go for lunch. My husband is totally oblivious that she is using him. She calls and he goes scurrying off to do her bidding. She needs help moving. He goes to help. She wants groceries. He takes her and pays for them. She needs a ride. He gives her a ride. (Oh, I will add that she never says thank you. I ask my husband and the answer is always no.) How can my husband not see that she treated him like @#$& for 5 years, not even phoning when he almost died from a massive infection just a few weeks before her daughter was taken away? Now she needs him and now she is back in his life. He actually told me that he thinks she has changed.
My husband has becoming pathetic. He grovels when it comes to his daughters. They scream and yell at him and blame him for everything wrong in their life. For instance, one is a vegan and she blames him because her teeth and hair are falling out. One time she missed a flight because she spent 4 hours (4 hours!) getting ready In our bathroom doing her hair and makeup. It was not my husband’s fault at all. He just drove her to the airport and she screamed and yelled at him. And guess who bought her another ticket?
Anyway... I am venting.
I can’t take this anymore. My husband blames me and expects me to be the mature one. I am sickened by my SD but more sickened at who my husband has become since the day his daughter lost custody and needed help. I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I was enjoying my quiet life that had little chaos. Now every single day revolves around SD. But mostly because I have lost all respect for my husband. I hate the person I have become. I have become mean and hateful. Jealous? Maybe. I’m angry and bitter and every time the phone rings I am furious.
I don’t know what to do. In the end, my husband will choose his daughters over me.
the daughters are adults and
the daughters are adults and not young children.
there is no need for you to be "mature" any more than they do.
this is guilty daddy on steroids.
guilty daddies have a real need to be validated and will tolerate an untold amount of abuse in order to feel wanted.
i know because my dh is the same. while the skids were young (bm had custody after she married her lover) they would ignore dh and laugh at his attempts to contact them and be a parent. then one by one bm kicked each kid out of the nest as they turned 18. seeing daddys open wallet they came to our house to roost.
then they ganged up on me and told dh to divorce me but not before laughing at his authority under his own roof.
i call the process self castration. its humiliating to watch a grown man cut off his own balls to make his own children happy.
then dh paid for an extravagant wedding for one skid, bought new cars time after time when they had accidents. bail money for drugs violations and the list goes on.
you have two choices. disengage or leave. only you can choose which option suits you.
Well said, SugarSpice, "You
Well said, SugarSpice, "You have two choices. disengage or leave. only you can choose which option suits you." I always look at as when this type of situation goes on, where the SK or ex- is treated like some sort of mini-wife, you unexpectedly and basically find yourself in a 3-way marriage. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your DH, on the other, is not "forsaking all others." No woman or man should be expected to tolerate a 3-way marriage, and that is the way you have to look at it and what you should be basing your decision on.
Just because the "affair" involves his daughter vs. another woman he met down the street doesn't make it right or any better. Regardless, the anger and resentment, as you stated above, is still going to be there. These mini-wife type situations are extremely difficult because in most cases neither the bio-parent nor the child feels they are doing anything wrong, and in order to change, you have to be able to see that your behavior is not appropriate. Just to make it clear, you should not have to suck it up and take anything any more than any wife should be expected to suck it up and take a 3-way marriage. You have every right to be upset by this. And, no matter what anyone says, unless you are both millionaires with your own money (and very few of us are), whatever money your husband spends on another woman or man, affects your pocketbook too.
Again, as SugarSpice said, disengage to a level 9 or 10 or leave. IF need be, don't hesitate to see a counselor to help you hone in on what decision to make and how to go about doing so. Just remember if you stay, my guess is that your SD is buttering up dad to take her in, and then that way, she can easier get custody of her child. They may both want a father-daughter relationship now. That is true. It is just that they should be aiming for an appropriate one vs. acting like high school kids with a crush on each other. And, in no manner, shape or form should either one of them be acting like they are the true couple and you are the odd-one out.
I am so sorry. I was in the
I am so sorry. I was in the same situation about a couple of years ago. My ss 47 years a the time moved about 4 minutes from us and then he ramped up his efforts to spend time with df even more. Daily he would call wanting to spend time with him, so my dh saw him around 4 or more times a week. DH instead of taking me to the Dr's, grocery shopping, stores with him he would take his ds. I was going to travel cross country to spend 10 days with my mother, instead of spending time with me before I left, dh spends it with his ds. I was hurt and angry and when he got home. I told DH how upset I was and he became very angry as he saw it as a rejection of his ds. That was the moment he chose his ds over me. While I was visiting my mother he started with the divorce proceedings and would not let me come home, threatening with a court order to prevent me. He divorced me.
Your sd has already ramped her efforts and she is definitely not going away. She wants what your dh has, and you may be right she is looking to move in in order to get custody of her daughter. She has her claws in your dh and your dh seems to like it. With this situation there is very little that can be done as they are both definitely enmeshed with each other and they do not see the situation as a negative one. You are the only one that sees it that way and it appears that your dh does not care as to how it is affecting you. My advise is to try to disengage from the situation. Try as hard as you can to do so, ignore him and her and go about your life doing things you enjoy. They are not worth the stress you are feeling from their situation. If you cannot disengage thenI suggest staying with friends or family for a period of time that way your dh gets the strong message that you are very close to be done with the marriage and it will force his hand on whom to choose.
It stills feels terrible that in the end, after 25 years my dh chose his middle aged ds over me. However, looking back I was living under enormous stress as my dh always watched how I was around his ds, I could not even take a deep sigh around him as my ds thought I was doing it because of his ds. My health really suffered because of the situation. The hardest thing is realizing that my ex did not love me enough to treat his ds like an adult instead of a needy child always needing his dh attention.
You are in the same boat, your dh is treating your sd as a needy child and not the adult she is. She now knows that she can get what she wants from your dh and nothing is going to stop her from wanting more. Your dh is getting some emotional satisfaction from his dd attention. You are being left out, and not only that ,resources whether it be your dh time, money or even emotional availability are being spent on her. The only good solution right now is to disengage.
If any of my adult children
If any of my adult children were in need I would help them but it would be a "hand up" rather than a "hand out." Hopefully SD will straighten out her life and remedy whatever situation led to getting her child taken away. I feel for you. I know how helpless it feels when an adult skid is manipulating their parent to get their way with no change in sight.
Others have told you to disengage, do this. You don't have to be involved at all. Pretend you're a man and do your own thing. My dd22 had some issues recently where I had to be involved and help her out for about a week. Guess what, DH was not in the slightest involved. He would say "Hows dd22?" and he went on his merry way. I did gift her some cash out of my personal account and it didn't involve DH at all.
"My husband blames me..."
This is so common in this situations. Let me guess, "you hate SD" is thrown around often. Bah, take yourself out of their drama. If DH feels the need to play nursemaid/chauffer then let him go, say "Bye honey have a good day. I'll see you tonight. I'm meeting the girls for lunch then drinks (or whatever you do)." You don't have to be joined at the hip to their situation.
Yep! Do your own thing. You
Yep! Do your own thing. You don't even have to be negative about it. Just say No, and mean No.
If you cannot face the option of divorce yet at this point, then disengage and observe until you have a clearer idea of where to go from here. I know sometimes people throw out the double-D word, disengage or divorce, quickly. Sometimes finding yourself at the bottom of the family pond can happen that quickly and with almost no heads up or with complete surprise. For example, adult SD calling up out of nowhere and suddenly wanting a full relationship with dad after being out of his life for most years, or your DH casually mentioning at the dinner table one night, "OH, by the way, my daughter XYZ is going to be moving in with us in a couple of weeks."
Remember first and foremost you are your husband's wife and just like any spouse, you deserve to have a say on what goes on in your household. Granted, DH and his adult child have a right to a relationship, but not at the cost of you and your husband's. ADULT children are expected to grow up and move on and create a life for themselves. They not supposed to hang around for years dating dad and picking at his (and yours) checkbook, so to speak, while you sit off to the side and put up with being treated like a bottom feeder. And, don't let anyone else ever tell you otherwise!!
I don't think she is treating
I don't think she is treating this as a competition at all. She stated above, "They scream and yell at him and blame him for everything wrong in their life," among other things. No wife wants to or should be expected to stand around while her own husband is being bullied or even abused. Just because it is his child doing it doesn't lessen the effect or make it okay.
And, if you are married, there really is no such thing as your money and my money. I know a lot of people have this fantasy (and even some wealthier SMs) that dad can throw buckets of money at his own children and SM is supposed to stay out of it because it doesn't affect her, BUT that is pretty much what it is--a fantasy. No wife would be expected to put up with her own husband buying a boat and motorcycle and such just because it is technically coming out of his 401k account, for example. If any wife (other than a SM) got upset over her husband doing such, no one would blame her and say she has every right to be concerned. The same SHOULD go for SM/dad's wife. Whatever money her husband spends, affects her and whatever money she spends, affects him.
Most SMs are not part of hoity-toity high society where each partner has their own distinct money. Most of the time, it takes all of DH's money and SM's money just to make ends meet in the household, just like for the vast majority of all married couples.
Unequivocally, once the the SK is an adult, just like once any child is an adult, the focus in a marriage should be on the marriage and making that work. That is it. No more discussion needed. Adult children don't get to try to highjack someone else's marriage, and especially quasi-abusive adult children. Doesn't even matter if they are step-children or not. If the husband won't deal, then the wife has to deal. In this case, the husband has already let his daughters sabotage the relationship.
"Whatever money her husband
"Whatever money her husband spends, affects her and whatever money she spends, affects him." So true!
We separated the finances because I got tired of paying for EVERYTHING for SD and her husband. They were very stingy with their money and wouldn't even leave a tip after treating them to an expensive dinner. Every month DH placed hundreds of dollars in SD's bank account, while she was making more then he was, money that DH was not putting away for his retirement. Today DH is on a very limited income. If anything should come up he may not have the funds to make ends meet. Separating finances IS the short-term answer but if you plan on staying with DH you have to insist he invest a certain amount in his retirement. THEN what he does with his money is his business.
We're way too strapped for
We're way too strapped for cash (and agreed that until we get BM's loans and s*** she took in his name sorted out we won't). But I read that having a separate "fun money" account that has a set amount going into it every paycheck for both spouses could help... Gives them a set amount to spend on fun that the other doesn't ask questions or judge on!
I agree. We have separate
I agree. We have separate accounts but put equal amounts into a household account. I SHOULD have insisted though, that DH invest in his retirement first - THEN give all the money to SD that he wanted to. Just hoping to prevent this happening to someone else.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses. I am getting to my end.
One comment mentioned that this is like a competition. My husband is retired and I still work full time. He goes our a lot. Almost daily he is out the whole day, like today. I never have a problem with it. I get three weeks off each year and on our last getaway we had to come home early because she called. This call came to us around midnight. After 5 years of not talking to her dad she called us while we were on holidays. What person would not feel angry? As for stressing over getting her daughter back, that is not the issue. She has been removed from her mother’s care for over two months now and has not done a thing to get her daughter back. If my kids were removed from my care I would be tearing down doors to get them back. SD seems quite content to not have to care for her daughter. She does mention often that welfare is giving her far less money now.
I do want to know more about disengaging but all the articles I can find are for young children, not adults.
"we had to come home early
"we had to come home early because she called."
In this instance you should have said "Buh bye DH, I'll see you when I'm done with vacation. Have fun w/SD!" Disengaging means that DH is free to go if he so chooses and you don't have to be involved. You can love him and be supportive w/out being dragged away from holiday because of SD.
Don't mind the one comment.
Don't mind the one comment. There are far too many people out there who think that SMs and adult SKs are in some kind of competition. SM is dad's wife and should be treated like dad's wife. SKs are dad's children and should be treated as children. The problem comes when dad's wife is treated like a child and the child is treated like a wife, and this is actually your situation. Like a child you are supposed to suck it up and take it. Meanwhile, his daughter gets treated more like a wife with authority.
I agree. It is very difficult to find anything on disengaging from adult SKs. I actually think that some people may think this is near impossible--that adult SKs could be just as disruptive and annoying and possessive of their father as children. We all know here, of course, differently. That is why over to the right, the #1 answer for what is the best age to deal with SKs is "There is no good age." I always say the dynamics can shift when SKs are adults, but for the most part, the same problems and issues can be there. For example, a controlling BM can be replaced by a controlling adult SK. Some adult SKs do grow up and learn, but not all.
However, when dealing with adults, I do think disengagement can be easier. My take and I think many others is to take the "SK" part out of the equation and just deal with them as you would nasty adults, such as a manipulative co-worker or controlling SIL. Still Learning did give a good example. And, it may even be a question of you having to learn to take your own wants and needs into consideration. For example, it may not have even occurred to some wives to just tell their DH, "If you want to go back, go back, but I'm staying." You have to learn to say NO, and mean NO. AND, you need to be able to say to your DH, "This is our home and I don't want anyone coming here without both of our's approval." If he wants to go out with SD, let him, but you do not have to go at all, if you don't want to. No more reminding him of Birthdays or getting or wrapping gifts for any occasion.
What you are trying to do is focus on your marriage and let DH deal SOLELY with his adult daughter as much as possible. DH isn't going to like it, but there has been more than one woman here who really pushed the disengaging despite their DH's threats and even to the point of kicking out DH, and then him finally realizing he really can't keep treating his wife like a child and expect her to take it. On the other hand, if divorce is the answer, then it is the answer. I always think I'd much rather be on my own in a nice little senior apt. than to have to contend with being treated like a second or third or fourth wife in my own home. You can always disengage and then met with a lawyer too to see what the divorce option would look like too. Then, take it from there.
Disengaging from adult skids
Disengaging from adult skids isn't too hard. I didn't make a big announcement, but I stopped asking about them, declined to go visit when he did, don't take off work when they visit us (they live out of town), don't cook or clean when they visit, etc. If I WANT to do something with them or for them, I will, but it's up to me. DH is responsible for remembering birthdays and buying gifts.
There were several instances when he was spending a lot of money to help out SS. I had to stop that because it affected me and our household. Sure, there was an argument, but that was better than carrying around even more resentment and not paying my own and household bills. AND it forced SS to figure out his own problems without DH saving him time and time again.
DH used to interrupt our dates by taking phone calls from his kids or getting into texting marathons. I told him how much it bothered me. No change in behavior. Next time I just left and went home. I wasn't mad at his kids, I was mad at HIM for ignoring me and I felt like I wasn't as bright and shiny as his children. I'm not going to beg for anybody's attention.
We figured it out. We're happy. Resentment is almost nonexistent. It has even improved my relationship with his kids.
i did this. sd had a baby
i did this. sd had a baby and dh did not even see fit to call me up from the basement where i was doing chores to face time and see the new baby. sd and her dh did not even think to call me over. when dh visits his skids out of town i dont call him and wait from him to call me.
the lives of the skids are of no interest of mine. once i tried to get involved and be helpful and supportive. now i am silent on all and everything. they can divorce lose jobs etc and i could not care less.
not my monkeys or circus.
Thank you to all of you for
Thank you to all of you for your thoughtful responses. I went over to the disengaging forum and stared a post there. I am trying so hard to keep my sanity. The only way that is going to happen is to disengage completely. I am going to need this site to do that! Anyway, thank you again. I don’t have a soul that I can talk to about this so I especially grateful for you.
new moon, keep checking in
new moon, keep checking in and report your progress.
disengaging is not easy for many of us but it is worth it.