My adult SS is a disgusting, worthless POS who I met when he was in his early 20s. I never bothered with making him be uncomfortable - my stance is that he was NEVER allowed to live in my home. I didn't give a darn what HE wanted.

And as of now he is not allowed to even cross the doorstep even if I am not at home.

Hmmm...just ignore him, do nothing for him, and only cook meals for Dh not him. Does he have any allergies? I am not talking life or death kind. If he is allergic to flowers put flowers in every room. Turn off the hot water when he showers. Shrink his clothes in the laundry, and bleach his dark clothes.
I am only joking. I would never do that, like ever. }:) But its fun to think about it.

Hi imtooyoungforthis, WELCOME to StepMomHell!!

Most of us have either been through it or stopped it before it came to one of them living in the house. And most would advise you to disengage, i.e. don't speak of or to SS, don't provide any financial or physical comfort( which it sounds like you already did this by cutting off the phone, changing internet password, etc.) Shutting down the hot water sounds like a good one. If he stays up til 6am. make plenty of noise starting at 7am. Make sure he has NO Guest. If he happens to go out fri or sat night, make sure the door is locked early, if he has a key, Take it. If he leaves laundry in the washer or drier,trash it. Can you take the microwave to your room or put it in the garage? "use" all the soap/shampoo that he thinks is "his".
Best of Luck!

Here's what worked for me:

1) Kid has 90 days after the proposed (by his father) date of launch (last day of high school long after which he had turned 18yo)
2) After that, admittance to our home only when my husband was present and only with notice of minimally the night before and a max of a one night stay
3) When in our home, the doors lock at our bedtime... otherwise he was coming home in the middle of the night, raiding the frig and keeping the whole household awake
4) If he arrives without said notice OR Dad is not home he's not admitted; He does NOT have his own key (though I had to change the locks to make this happen)... He tried to force his way in one time and I called the cops, told them I was uncomfortable with him being in my home, and the cops escorted him away
5) No friends coming over unless they are pre-approved (and they never are)... embarrassing for a kid not to be able to bring his friends home especially because we have a nicer home than most which I would have been happy to share if the little punk had an ounce of respect for me or my home or, frankly, for his father
6) No overnight guests... though that has recently been relaxed a bit. His girlfriend is a nice girl from a good family but they DO NOT sleep in the same room under my roof... I shut that down really easily when I said "Sure, send me the number of your 'girlfriend's' mother, and if she let's her daughter behave like a SLUT in her family's home, I'm consider it here (which I never would have)... but made that go away

Lock up all the amenities... any tasty food, soap/shampoo for the shower, toothpaste, dental floss. Heck, I'd hide the toilet paper.

He'll be out of your hair FAST. I would give your husband a 'heads up' that this is going to go down if kid doesn't meet ALL of your requirements inside of two weeks (kid won't). Then yank the amenities and start the stop watch of how fast he's outta there.

And... anything that stays in the washer (wet or dry) or any dirty dishes, etc. end up in the middle of his bed STAT. That will get old REALLY quick for him. Towels, empty food containers, dirty socks, ANYTHING that's left in any area outside "his" room until he's out.

mmmm simply tell the skid - you have 60 days to find a job and new digs...

give him notice in writing and after 60days, change the locks and do not give him a key...

and if your guy has any problems with it, he gets a letter as well, either you back me up or you move your ass out of the house with your new wife - SS - and together you find new digs...

Yep I agree with this ^^^^^^^^ 60 days is enough to make plans for his departure. here everyone knows the score and the consequences- he's probably loving those petty 'I'll swap the sugar for salt' undertakings because they give him the attention he's clearly craving. When my SS lived with us briefly I just ignored him- he was gone before his time ran out.

So nothing has changed , not even slightly improved since you wrote about SS here a few months ago. The man-child is not going to get a job, not move out and not going to stop being and doing what he is and does. Nope, that man of yours isn't going to make him either.

So now what? You've tried about everything already. SS isn't going anywhere. And even if his father occasionally gives you the right words as if in agreement with you, your guy fully supports his son and his son's lifestyle. The son knows that. Why would the SS move out and/or knock off his slacker ways when the man-child knows full well his father has his back?

From reading your couple of blogs from June, it seems your guy isn't feeling too motivated in getting his son up and out. Sure, you complain and issue a threat now and then , but just like the SS knows Dad isn't going to boot him, your guy knows you aren't really leaving your guy. At least not yet.

Your guy is pretty happy right now. And why shouldn't he be? He's got his son thinking he's the bestest dad ever and he's got his lady still by his side putting up with the nonsense. None of this is affecting your guy at all. The SS doesn't bother Dad and Dad is feeling pretty safe in thinking you will just continue to whine a bot but keep putting up with what Dad and the SS hand out.

You know, deep down that you're going to have to take a stand. A real stand. You are either going to have to just accept the SS is there and yours forever :sick: , or you are going to really have found you've had your fill and can not and will not live this way any longer. But that one means actually renting your own apartment or house and moving out.

Not threatening to, but actually doing it. Sure, you risk losing your guy, but you're miserable in your living conditions now. So that's your choice. Do you stay and continue to be ignored with SS having the run of the home and you miserable or do you take your chance and leave. On one hand, it may motivate your guy to get serious about his son, or on the other hand, you may just find it to be the best decision you ever made and start enjoying your life and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

One thing you can't do is change other people. You can't force people to change. Your guy and his son like things the way they are. It's you that wants it to change. My mouth went :jawdrop: when I read in your other posting of how you turned off the wifi and your guy texted the password to his son to turn it back on. In the end, it may be you who needs to change and in how you do or do not let all this affect you. Where do you see yourself a year from now? Five years? Where do you see this SS being a year from now? Five years?

I mean, sure you can try things like turning off the hot water, but as soon as you go to sleep or out the door to work, SS will just text his father and your guy will tell SS how to turn it the hot water back on. You'll get a few minutes of satisfaction when you hear SS howl as cold water smacks him, but in the end he'll be all fine and dandy once Dad takes care of it for him.

I wish I had answers for you that would actually fix this for you and you'd see SS pack his bag and moving out , but as long as it's two against one, I don't see that happening.

Honestly, sounds like you pretty much have it covered. Make no attempts to make him comfortable. I read in a previous post your,DH is making arrangements for him to live with his grandmother. Make sure it happens. Get frequent updates. You don't want a year to pass and he is still there. Stick to your guns!!!

Ok.. I will have the evil mini me come up with some suggestions.

1. You MUST start doing some sort of exercise program every morning... in the common area... loudly.
2. Two Words. Book club. Pretty much any "kaffeeklatsch" sort of meetup in your home on a really regular basis. (think prayer group on one night, book club another etc...)
3. Develop a love for Country music.. or opera.. anything you know he will find intolerable.
4. His TV would mysteriously not work.. charging cords would go missing (of course you slip them into the boxes of his stuff when he leaves..lol)
5. Get on some health kick.. no food beyond quinoa and brown rice with spelt. (you can hide your hot pocket stash in your secret fridge in your room..lol)
6. Leave your um.... "fun toys" in the living room.

Bottom line, he will be tough to move.. so you will need to simultaneously need to entice your DH with the idea that his kid on his own is a good idea. Honey, I wanted to go to the mountains for that romantic getaway... but what about JR... we can't leave him alone in the house..etc.

This is what worked for me:

We got my SD (then 32) a room in an extended stay hotel and agreed to pay half of the cost for two months. Before long, she moved in with a girlfriend until she eventually bought a modest house of her own.

After she left, I donated DH's guest room furniture from his first marriage, and filled that room with furniture from my previous house that I brought over. Anything that SD was temporarily using in that room was donated. It gave her the message that she is considered a visitor, and does not have her own room with us.

I would not alter your lifestyle at all. Just give the Skid an alternative place for a limited time while he figures it out.

Hiding food would drive me crazy, and just make me feel bad and stingy, whereas getting the Skid another place, made us feel generous to her. Making her pay a portion of it taught her that she's an adult and expected to pay and gave us an opportunity to help an adult get back on their feet and figure out their own future.

This brings back memories of when ss32, then 30 yrs old showed up at our door "homeless" aka quit his job because work is lame and he should just be the CEO, and he likely spent any rent money on weed. DH of course welcomes him w/open arms and no conditions because this is ss's home. This flop pad situation dragged on for months where ss would show up whenever he wanted, get stoned, eat all the food, order me around, play video games, leave for 2 days, come back....

I snapped one day and told DH that when he leaves for work @ 6am that ss has to go w/him and he can't come back until you're home from work. That ss should be out adulting and looking for a job not sleeping all day. The next morning I literally heard this grown man wailing, "But where am I supposed to go this early in the morning." DH to his credit told him to "look for a job." What ended up happening was DH dropped him off at SIL's home where he ended up staying for a few weeks til he wore out his welcome and now he's living back w/mommy.

After that terrible fiasco that nearly ended our marriage (much more to this story) DH and I decided if SS does show up "homeless" again that we'll rent him a hotel/extended stay for a limited amount of time till he's on his feet. We figure that cost is cheaper than marriage counseling or a divorce attorney.

My plan is to move far away when SSs turn 18 to avoid this type of scenario. DH and I discussed this before we were married (my parents live on the other side of the country and I told DH that at some point, I would like to live closer to them), but I'm sure it will be a fight once it rolls around.

If DH refuses to move, I'll have two options: 1) go myself; 2) downsize to the point where there is simply no room for adult stepkids to move in.

One of my SSs already does nothing and he's only in middle school. His mother - who allows him to do nothing - can manage him when he's an adult, doing nothing.

I fear what is going to happen when my skids turn 18. I seriously doubt they will want to live with DH and I but, who knows.

Your dh is used to his ds and everything that ds has done has become normalized, so your dh sees nothing too wrong with his ds behavior. They are both used to each other. Posters are correct in their advice make your ss as uncomfortable as possible, as your dh is not going to do anything until he gets uncomfortable because of his ds actions. Then he will be put in a position to decide whether he wants to continue to be uncomfortable because of his ds actions. Most men like the sex, having someone who is loving and nurturing around and when pull comes to shove will scoot little poopsie away. Ss is also used to having dear ole daddy take care of him. It has been the case since the day he was born. He is not going to give up the gravy train easily until he is also made uncomfortable in his environment.

Make up lists of chores for him to do and have him cross each one off when it is done, make sure you put a time and date each chore is to be completed by. If he likes to have the music and tv on complain of a headache and insist he turn it off. Better yet, if your dh is in the mood for sex, tell him you have a headache because of ss actions. Do not let this adult child win! It is your house not ss he has absolutely no rights. Treat him as a non-person! What ever you do get him out!!

Been in your exact shoes. I work my butt off as does DH to pay for what we have. SS lived here and spent the majority of time in his bedroom. I asked little of him. Keep his room clean and do his laundry. Instead of doing what I asked he was determined to defy me. I asked that he not have food or sugary drinks in his room because we have had issues with ants and mice. That made him even more determined to bring all kinds of food and drink in his room. He went for months without washing the bedding, cleaning or emptying his trash. I would finally go in and do it because of the stench. He would go months without doing laundry. Again you can just imagine the stench. I had a medical issue because of the stress of all of this. I cried every single day going to and coming home from work. DH and I were fighting all of the time because of SS. I thought why should I be working my butt off to provide for this disrespectful freeloader? I bought him a giant container of laundry pods once they were gone I bought no more. My laundry detergent was kept in my bedroom. I cut off his access to my Netflix. Yes, I pay for it not DH, that really set off SS! I tried to not provide him with internet access. DH and I had a major blow up over that one. He demanded that I give SS the password because he (SS) wanted it. I said what about what I want. SS was going through a case of water every couple of days. I started putting the water in my bedroom under the bed. Toothpaste and shampoo were kept in my bedroom with my toiletries. Now DH saw what I was doing so he now started to buy all of this stuff. Didn't work. I then told DH that since there were three working adults we would now be splitting all household bills three ways instead of in half. If he wanted to pay SS's 1/3 that was up to him and that is exactly what he did.
SS was playing a game. He was determined to get me out of my own house so that he and DH could live here happily ever after. He became more and more determined. So the second time that he went to the security camera and called me names that I cannot type here I packed my stuff and moved out. I told DH it was either me or SS. I had told him that before and he said don't make me choose. I have to tell you that I was ready to go to the court house and see if I could bring any charges against him and get him out and I told DH this. DH said you do that and we are over. But honestly at this point we were already going to be over so it didn't matter to me. DH must have been in shock. He couldn't believe that I moved out. He said that he couldn't oust his own son but if I wanted to do it to go ahead. So I wrote him a letter and sent it to him. DH told him that he needed to take the high road and leave. He attempted to stay even after a big talk with DH. He took a much needed shower, he did laundry all trying to stay I guess. DH came to visit me and said SS would be out by the date and time given. He wasn't. He called 3 hours after the time he was to be out by asking DH if he really had to go. He left that night and took nothing. I am guessing he thought DH would change his mind. Two weeks later he came to pick up some (not all) items and destroyed items in our home. I changed the locks and put his remaining items in our storage shed. There has been much fall out. DH's other children hate me, they have made it quite clear that I am not welcome in their lives or at any event that they may have. DH calls and texts them almost daily and very rarely do they respond. BM sent a text stating what a horrible person I am.
All I can say is good luck! I now have peace in my life and DH and I are getting our marriage back on track but as soon as anything is brought up about SS it is an issue.
I don't care to see SS as long as I live!
Now SS's comments to DH are what is going to happen to everything when DH dies? Can you believe it?

He is not dumb, he is used to his daddy letting him do as he pleases and giving him what ever he wants. It is call spoiled. SS should be man enough to bring a woman to a place where he pays for the roof he sleeps under. What do these women think when he brings them to his parents house to have sex. I, for one, would think "what an unaccomplished low life, and would not be comfortable being with someone who could not afford a place of his own. That is the time when you bring out the vacuum cleaner and use it right out side his bedroom door. Or better yet spray some bug spray around it.