opposite of rose-tinted glasses
I think one of my challenges with stepmothering is that I do not see my SSs through the same rose-tinted glasses that my DH, BM, and DH's family see them through. I do not think that they hung the moon or that rainbows shoot out of their butts. I do not think that they are the most funny, interesting people on earth.
I see them for what they are - unremarkable children, who aren't bad, but who mostly approach life like bumps on a log. They don't get excited about anything. They don't have any real interests in anything - other than YouTube. They don't excel at anything and feel that their mediocre behavior should be cause for celebration. I think if they were my children, I'd be mildly disappointed in them.
But, then again, maybe I wouldn't. Maybe if I was their mother, I'd think they were the greatest thing since sliced bread and I'd make excuses for all of their shortcomings, too. Maybe I wouldn't be able to see that SS11 who has no ambition, no work ethic, and no discipline even for things he supposedly enjoys is destined for a future of delayed adolescence. Maybe I wouldn't see that his desire to appear "cool" to all his friends will undoubtedly cause problems later. Maybe I wouldn't think it was troubling that at age 11 one SS regularly wets the bed and the other regularly has meltdowns that last for hours and involve crying, screaming, and throwing things.
Just sort of thinking out loud, but really is one of my challenges that I can see DH's kids for who they really are and I don't view them as the perfect angels, he - as a parent - perceives them to be?
My DH definitely still sees
My DH definitely still sees his children as cute little babies, but in doing so, he's definitely preventing them from growing into responsible young adults. He also seems to think they are pretty "remarkable", when really, they aren't. I'm not saying that to be mean.
It could be because my parents were not big on telling me how wonderful I was. They never told me I was terrible, but my mom was a teacher for many years and didn't want me to be one of those kids whose mother always tells them how wonderful they are and so they either need everyone else to say that to them or they are obnoxious jerks because they know their mother will take care of any of their problems for them.
Do we have the same DH?
Do we have the same DH?
One of my challenges is that
One of my challenges is that I start to resent the kids because they get away with so much, when really, it's not their fault. But man, it's difficult to put up with entitled, demanding kids who think they hung the moon because their parents act as if they did.
Resentment is normal in this
Resentment is normal in this situation- I began to feel it when I started suggesting alternative (and to me more sensible) ways of doing things. It was as if I'd told the King of the Fairies that he had some control over what happened! Not listening- happy to do whatever they wanted when they wanted and hey! let's throw in some money too!
The only way I could deal with it was to disengage. Not my circus and all that...
Whew so the resentment is
Whew so the resentment is normal. I definitely have resentment. Disengaging is a great idea.
Oh I know this song all too
Oh I know this song all too well. My DH thinks SS15 and SS12 are the best things since slice bread. They lack common sense and ask the stupidest questions at times. He thinks SS15 is so upbeat and outgoing. He is rude, and in my opinion often is jealous of others. SS12 acts like he is 5 sometimes. I can't stand the whining and baby voice when he wants something. My mom knew good things about me, and also knew the bad. When she had to be the bad guy she had no problem doing so. DH thinks these boys can do no wrong.
StrugglingSM- I think you
StrugglingSM- I think you articulated so well one of the challenges of being a stepparent with this post.
It's so hard to know if we Steps are being abnormally hard on the skids because we're NOT their parents or if our spouses are being too soft because they ARE... which is why I've mostly stopped chiming in any of my opinions of SD to DH.
DH thinks SD9 is an amazing, sweet, innocent, perfect, adorable, brilliant, talented, mature-for-her-age angel.
I think she's okay- sweet, often helpful, and intellectually capable, BUT also, lazy, immature, lacking curiosity, lacking grit, and too much of a people-pleaser. I think she has been sheltered and coddled to the point that I wonder when the day comes that she's actually required to tolerate loss or distress, if she'll crumble, or what... I do think she is capable of much more than is expected of her. And she has been raised to be shallow and overly value material things.
One thing I also know now, after becoming a mom in this process, is that I struggle with SD partly because I don't share those dreams for her that came about so naturally for my own kids. They're the same dreams DH has for SD- and I agree with the above comment that they're partly based in what we feel before our child is even born, or when we're holding an 8 pound baby in our arms, or looking at family photos. We steps don't get to experience that. We just experience the day to day reality of life with a kid.
When I was pregnant I spent hours wondering what my babies would look like, act like, whose eyes they'd have, if they'd be easy/colicky, and then picturing what kind of people I want to raise them to be. I still dream of what my spunky, intelligent little daughter can be or will do when she gets older, and hope I can instill enough self-confidence in her so she won't fall prey to some of the female stereotypes that I did... And my son, I think about how to teach him to be a kind, fair, responsible man, and wonder how I can help him be the best guy he can be, when I don't really know how to raise a man at all, and I never even had a brother...
Anyway, our partners have these dreams and visions for our skids. No major part of my brain has ever invested in these dreams for my SD. She's important to me, but she takes up no space emotionally there... I hope she is happy and successful as the kids down the block. It makes her flaws ever more real to me. And I don't feel joy and pride in her achievements the way my husband does- because they mean very little to me directly.
I tried to explain this to my husband once, but it was lost on him. I can tell you though, the way he gives 2 effs about my nephews indicates he deep down knows exactly what I mean. He just wishes it weren't the case.
I think you totally captured
I think you totally captured what I was thinking / feeling. I too, have tried to explain to DH how I'll always feel different about his kids than he will. I even tried to use his friend's son as an example. He'll always feel sort of fond of his friend's son, but he doesn't feel as if his friend's son is the second coming (the sort of sad thing is that his friend's son is actually a lot more interesting than my SSs). He still didn't seem to understand.
If I do have my own children, I know I would expect more of them than either BM or DH expect of my SSs and would likely push them harder to be active in things and be independent. I'm not ok with kids who don't even acknowledge that it's Christmas, Father's Day, or their father's birthday (I've even asked them if they want help getting something and they always turn me down). I'm not ok with kids who think learning is optional and that handing your homework in a week late should be praised, because at least you finally got it in. I'm not ok with kids who whine and pout when they only get one treat instead of two.
I've been told by BM via DH that I "expect too much of her children", because apparently just eeking out the bare minimum should be considered an accomplishment for her poor, defenseless sons.
I know that I'll care much more about my own children's future than that of my SSs, in part because I know I'll have more influence on their future, but I also hope that I don't let them slack off or put in the most minimum of efforts.
Your SS's sound like nothing
Your SS's sound like nothing to write home about, like, for real... Ugh.
I mean, if your DH can't see that they're underachieving big time then it's probably just because he can't see through his Guilt-colored glasses or something.
And yes, you invest more and expect more of your own kids because you DO have influence over who they'll become. I will not slack on the raising of my kids- I'm not their friend and I'm not here to tell them how amazing every single thing they do is. I think a lot of these skids are coddled because their 50/50 or less parents don't want to "waste" precious parenting hours teaching and criticizing. So everything is praise, which isn't helpful or even honest.
Don't worry, the real world will tell your SS's exactly how average (or below) they are, soon enough.
Sparents tend to see reality
Sparents tend to see reality where the breeder parents see rainbows and fairy tails about how spe-cial their children are. Fortunately my wife is not afflicted with a consistent case of the parental rose colored glasses syndrome. It took the two of us a number of years to get the message across that mere existence does not make anyone including the Skid special. It was not until his 7th grade band teacher told him in front of the entire class that there was nothing special about him that he finally started to recognize that performance was the only thing that mattered in making him special. It took another nearly half a dozen years for that lesson and the continued parenting of his mom and I to get the message hammered home. The final lynch pin to that message was the burning platform we lit under him shortly after his 18th birthday. Since then he has been souring.
We are proud of him. For years we loved him but there was not much about him to proud of. Fortunately that was not a permanent state.