managing holidays
Curious to hear how people manage holidays?
Here's my situation, my family lives on the other side of the country. Before being married to DH, I went home for every holiday and also made it home several other times a year. He has his children every other year for Thanksgiving and Easter, but BM insists on having the children every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. DH has them every Christmas starting at 10am through 6pm on December 26th.
This year, he had his children for Easter and will have them for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen my family since last Thanksgiving. To take SSs with us for Christmas would cost us at least $2000 more in travel costs, we also wouldn't be able to leave until Christmas Day, so we'd miss all of the Christmas celebrations, anyway.
DH doesn't want me to go alone, but I don't want to miss all holidays with my family, especially because I don't see them casually during the year, anymore, since we live so far away.
I'm leaning toward going alone, which doesn't make me happy, but I know nothing but drama would ensue if I asked DH to come with me to see my family, instead of seeing his children this Christmas and there's no way BM would allow the children to miss Christmas Eve with her. DH complained about this before he married me and each time he does, BM has a fit and launches all sorts of false accusations against him. The last time he brought it up (before DH and I were married), she sent an email to her family and DH's family telling them that I wanted DH to move next door to her so that DH could stop paying child support.
I'm sure most posters on here
I'm sure most posters on here will be anticipating problems with the holiday season on the horizon. This Christmas (we don't have Thanksgiving in Fairyland) is the first since I disengaged from my skids. I still intend to go to spend Christmas with my daughter, and I may spend New Year overseas with my sister. I asked DH if he wanted to come and he said not. I'm sure we'll sort it out. If I were you I would go spend Christmas with your family,enjoy the freedom, and try not to think too much about what is happening with DH. Easy to say I know, but if you stay home with him you'll resent it, and if you force him to go he may resent you.
Go. Celebrate Christmas early
Go. Celebrate Christmas early (if you want to) with SS then get on the plane and go see your family. Your DH can not expect you to never see your family for any holidays year after year. And you can't expect him to just bypass Christmas with his minor child. Maybe you'll decide to rotate which traditional holidays you go and switch them up every other year.
Go Christmas this year and maybe thanksgiving next year. You could do every other year for Easter. While your SS is a minor your DH should be available for Christmas for him. Holidays have meaning. As you are finding out yourself, it is important to you that even as an adult you go and spend some tradition celebrations with your parents/siblings/extended relationships. And it is. But it's just as important that your SS gets the same chance as a child.
Your Dh is the one who is going to have to put his big boy panties on and face he can't have it all his way. You need the opportunity to visit and celebrate with those you love, as does SS with his father. So it is DH who must realize that he will be the one Kissing his wife goodbye and wishing her a safe trip and a pleasant holiday while he stays home and does his Dad thing. It won't be forever. SS will grow up, start his own life and will have to sometimes choose where and with who SS will spend this or that holiday.
It happens in intact families also. Once the kids grow up and start their own lives, they have to decide 'do I spend Christmas Day with my parents or my husband's parents'? Or does that person race around trying to be two places at once and smash everybody in.
Does your Dh have family near where you now live that he and SS could join for Christmas dinner while you are gone? He will also understand that making Christmas happen for his child is on him (not your job to get things ready for him before you fly off).
I hope your DH is collecting
I hope your DH is collecting all these threats BM is making in writing?
Once we got a rock-solid Parenting Plan the visitation BS stopped. Does your DH have a parenting plan? He needs one. He can file for one himself at low lost. If he comes in with a reasonable proposal and she comes in blabbing, the judge will likely side with him. She will be pissed and try to follow thru on her threats, but the judge should see thru that. These people generally do their worst anyway, so you probably don't have much to lose.
Unless he agreed to it, almost no judge will award EVERY christmas to one parent. What we have allows us to take an awesome vacation alone together during the years BM has the largest portion of the winter break, and again for spring break the years BM has that. The first half of winter break generally is only about 4 days whereas the second half is about 10 days. On the years we have the shorter half, we celebrate xmas the day after school lets out. If it can be done, school pickups and dropoffs make the visits longer, and reduce confrontation opportunities. Dipshit doesn't get afterschool pickups anymore because she stole SD's homework and destroyed it so she could complain SD wasn't doing well in school. SD had a mountain of makeup work to do when that happened. So now she has to pick her up at our house and she is not allowed to get out of her car.
Dipshit will have the following time with the child:
Every other weekend from Friday at 5:00 P.M. until Sunday at 7:00 P.M.
Every Wednesday from 5:00 P.M. until 8:00 P.M.
Other times with written agreement of the parties.
HOLIDAYS
Holidays and school breaks are special and they will therefore supersede the regularly scheduled visitation.
Mother's Day: Dipshit will have the child every year. Hours will be from 8:00 A.M. until 7:00 P.M.
Father's Day: DH will have the child every year. Hours will be from 8:00 A.M. until 7:00 P.M.
Easter: DH will have the child every year. Hours will be from 6:00 P.M. Saturday evening, until 7:00 P.M Easter Sunday.
Memorial Day/Labor Day: The child will be with whoever has her for the weekend prior thru the holiday at 7:00 P.M.
Fourth of July: Parties will alternate the holiday, DH will have the child on the odd numbered years and Dipshit will have the child even numbered years. The weekend will include all work-approved holidays, from 5:00 P.M. the evening prior to the first day off, until 7:00 P.M the last day of the work holiday.
Thanksgiving: Dipshit will have the child every year, from 6:00 P.M. Wednesday evening, until 8:00 P.M Thanksgiving Day.
SCHOOL BREAKS
Each parent will have the child for half of the Winter Break. The first half begins at 5:00 P.M. on the last day of school until 10:00 P.M. Christmas Eve. The second half begins at 10:00 P.M. on Christmas Eve until 7:00 P.M. the evening before school resumes. DH will have first half on even years, Dipshit will have first half on odd years.
The parents will alternate the Spring Breaks, Dipshit will have odd years, DH will have even years, starting 5:00 P.M. on the last day of school, until 7:00 P.M. the evening before school resumes.
Unfortunately, DH agreed that
Unfortunately, DH agreed that BM could have every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. BM claims that her family *only* ever gets together on Christmas Eve, but I think she really just wants every Christmas morning with her children. Christmas is the only holiday that starts at 10am in their parenting plan, the others start at 9am. Last year, my SSs told MIL that their cousins (meaning BM's sister and her family) didn't come to Christmas Eve this year.
DH told me he agreed to giving her Christmas Eve every year because he wanted the divorce to be finalized. He didn't have a lawyer and BM did, so he was at a bit of a disadvantage. Still, I've told him that he agreed to it, so he has to live with it.
The part I don't like is that it backs him into a corner to have them every Christmas - which probably seemed great to him when he was single, but not so much, now that we're married and I have a family, too.
Also, DH's family also gets together on Christmas Eve, so when he has the kids, we have to drive to his brother's house (about 90 minutes away), so SSs can see their cousins, even though we've seen all of them the night before. DH's sister-in-law has her family over on Christmas, so she rarely wants us there and we are ushered out quickly before her family arrives. Overall, it makes for a very lackluster Christmas.
Oh, I'm not happy that he
Oh, I'm not happy that he won't be spending any holidays with my family this year, but I also know that *everyone* (my own parents included) would be upset if I expected him to forego seeing his kids on Christmas. The drama is not worth it for me. My one misgiving about going is that I'll have to give up celebrating Christmas with my husband, but I'll just have to get used to that for the next few years.
His ex is terrible and my current strategy is to avoid her at all costs, so I don't want to relitigate past things they agreed to in their parenting plan. I try to get DH to just avoid interacting with her at all, even switching my own plans if it means we can avoid having to negotiate with her over time.
I've been lucky in this
I've been lucky in this regard so far with my kids' father... we live close enough to each other that the kids can ride their bikes over... and always have... so although we generally alternate years, we both see the kids day of. His family celebrates on the 24th, we celebrate on the 25th.... so we accommodate each other, and our families are open to delaying meals or having them early because we all feel it's important that we all get a fair shot at the kids around Christmas.
Last year, DH went to pick up SS from BM fairly early in the day, then we (all 6 of us) went for dinner at my mom's. DH brought SS back late that night, around 9pm. I think. It could have been early on the 26th - frankly I don't remember.... but I remember DH and I went boxing day shopping just the 2 of us, so either way.
That said - this year is going to be a bit of a clusterF... I'm off on Holidays as of 3pm on the 22nd... and I return to work January 4th, 7am.... because we plan to travel. We're not sure yet whether we're taking the kids. I know DH will want to... but I don't. I don't really feel it's a vacation when kids are around... unless it's a kid centric vacation... because most of the time is spent having to deal with them, catering to their needs which are all out of whack due to travelling etc... no thank you. Obviously, given DH's situation with SS right now, I'm fully aware that it's more than likely we will have no choice but to take him. I've told him that if we're taking SS, we're taking mine too... because at that point, why not.
I know I won't have issues with my kids' dad in terms of taking the kids across the country for 12 days - but I suspect that given the time is over the Christmas break, BM may give DH a hard time about it. Maybe not, though, considering the past month hand a half she's see the kid 3 times.
Their court order says that
Their court order says that they alternate Thanksgiving, New Year's, and 4th of July. It says that BM gets every Christmas Eve until 10am on Christmas morning, when DH gets the kids until 6pm on December 26th.
She won't budge on Christmas Eve, because she says her family only gets together on Christmas Eve, but I don't think that's true. I think she just wanted a way to get every Christmas, which she essentially gets because DH can't pick the kids up on Christmas until 10am (every other holiday begins at 9am on their parenting plan). This year, she had one child call and ask if DH would come by later to pick them up and DH said no, he would follow the plan.
He's brought up Christmas
He's brought up Christmas with her so many times and every time, she has a raging meltdown and comes up with crazy accusations against him.
When DH and I were first engaged, he brought up Christmas and she followed up by sending an email to her family and DH's family saying we wanted to keep her kids from seeing her family on Christmas and we wanted to move next to her, so DH could stop paying her child support.
BM's father (who lives closer to the kids than DH and I do) sent DH a private message saying "why would you want to keep the kids from us? it seems only fair that they should spend Christmas Eve with us, they can still see your family on Christmas. We need to put the children first." I was like "um, DH, the only person he is putting first is himself, that's nothing to do with the children. Do you think shuttling between two homes every Christmas is fun?"
About a year later, BM demanded a mediation (not sure what for). DH said that he wanted to discuss their holiday schedule. BM showed up at the mediation and cried hysterically the entire time, accusing DH of "devaluing her as a mother."
So, essentially, she's crazy and she's made Christmas one of her battlegrounds. I've told DH that unfortunately, he signed away Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning when he signed those divorce papers. Regardless of why he agreed to it and didn't make a sticking point out of it, he has to live with it and let it go, because I can't deal with the crazy drama.
Reading posts about the
Reading posts about the holidays sure does bring back the flood of drama WE experienced every darn year.
UNTIL,,,,
We let go of the rope. I am not sure IF this could be an option now or in the future.
BM you can have SS for alllll of the holidays. WE will celebrate at another time. Same thing for Thanksgiving, Easter---let HER have visitation then.. Completely let go of the holiday struggle. IT IS WONDERFUL the kid is not in the struggle and dh/you are more relaxed. BM may say YOU cant do this. But yes you can.
Regarding your decision to go back to see your family for the holidays. That is up to you. But I will say this. Take it for what it is worth coming from a wife of many many years.
When I was single and then also a divorced Mom, I visited my family when ever I wanted to, holidays included. When I became married my time during the holidays was with my husband. WE visited family at other times of the year. Christmas Gifts were sent to my Mom (father died many years ago) and telephone calls were made to her also. She knew my place was with my husband, not her. She was not alone she went to my siblings who lived very close by for her main holiday meal.
Just something to think about.
Hope everything works out.
That's the one thing that
That's the one thing that gives me pause about just going home myself is that I won't be celebrating with my husband, but really with only having his kids starting at 10am, the day becomes about shuttling his children around from their home, to our home, to MIL's home, to BIL's house. DH's family gets together on Christmas Eve (god forbid they should switch to Christmas Day since they know his kids are not around on Christmas Eve). That leaves DH with the responsibility of shuttling the kids around on Christmas Day to make sure they see everyone, even though SIL hosts her family on Christmas and always tries to shuttle us out before they arrive. It's not exactly a nice relaxing holiday together. Also, my parents are not getting younger and I know I'll be kicking myself if I spend the next 7 Christmases away from them.