I'm new at this...
When do kids grow up? I understand the whole "delayed adolescent syndrome" but what about just plain "consideration" of others. The selfishness is beyond what I can bear. For the first time in 20 years I've decided that when the step kids come (next Thursday to Sunday) that I'm going to pack up and leave town. I've decided I'm not waiting on them for meal prep and clean up no am I going to have their bedding and towels all laid out like I have always done. I've been doing the best I can to show love, even when I don't always feel it (rarely in fact) when I only see them come when they want something (usually money). And yet almost nil reciprocation. Christmas usually finds some "re" gifted items for us but rarely much thought...my hubby years ago got a little truck from the dollar store from all three of them for Fathers Day...likely the only gift I remember. They are grown with jobs and are making their way but have never been taught that "it's more blessed to give then receive". I love giving and seeing their faces and paying most of their bills throughout college and doing what parents are suppose to do...I pretty much took it in stride. But as the last 3-5 years have gone by without any reciprocation I'm beginning to feel used. I can actually even understand that if they don't like me why would they buy me something...so I'm honestly setting that aside because I've never gotten so much as a birthday card. BUT when their own father, flesh and blood, does not get acknowledged for birthdays or Fathers Day...I can't condone this. I think my biggest fear is that as much as I don't want to look at them and fake another smile as he spends his hard earned money taking them Jet Skiing is that they won't even notice I'm gone and it will have no impact whatsoever. Any advise? PS I have two children (35 & 32) that I have taught to respect both their step parents and they all grateful for one another's "consideration" of each other. The step children are 31,28,25. Help!
I supported DH when he was
I supported DH when he was putting SD through college and paid for her insurance. She made more than he did just after she graduated. But would not even leave a tip for meals we always paid for. Also, no acknowledgement for DH's birthdays or Father's Day. Horrible junk for Christmas or nothing at all. She is like this because when DH and BM raised her she was told she was better, smarter and more entitled than anyone else. I never got a thank you or any sign of appreciation for anything from SD or DH.
The best thing I did was to disengage completely from SD and quit funding anything for her. It gets better every day! You did nothing to cause this. It's too late for DH to fix it. Distance yourself.
I'm amazed you've put with it
I'm amazed you've put with it for this long. I'm only two years in, my stepkids are in middle school and I'm already over it. They never get anything for their father, even when I ask them repeatedly if they want me to help them pick something out. This year for Father's Day, DH bought a card for himself, had them sign it and had them write in it that they would mow the lawn and clean their rooms. They did neither of those two things. Both SSs also have a habit of making faces or comments when they get presents they don't like. As a grown adult, it horrifies me, but neither of their parents feel the need to check their behavior and they are not my kid, so I've tried to let that (and some of their other rude behavior) go. Before our wedding, I made sure that I planned all my weekends away to work on wedding stuff when DH had the kids and I'll continue to plan activities for myself when they're around.
Your plan sounds like a good
Your plan sounds like a good one. Make sure to tell your DH that the house needs to be restored to the condition you left it. Keep leaving when they come to visit. Your DH will get sick of how much work they are and start avoiding the "overnights"
And by the way, don't do any special prepping for their visit with their father. If your DH wants to give them the hotel treatment HE can do it.
Good plan, plus it will give
Good plan, plus it will give DH time to really enjoy them and wait on them himself. It'll be a whole different experience for DH when he is the one catering, cleaning and entertaining them. I'm guessing there will be lots of pizza deliveries or going out to eat.
As for gifts I've asked skids not to give me gifts anymore. Last year they gave the kids and I a game that we never play and the year before that DH and I got some cheap plastic christmas pens. I do appreciate the gesture but I honestly don't want the clutter or guilt of having to keep and use the items they give me and right now I'm on a major decluttering kick. Plus ss really doesn't make that much, lives w/his IL's so I really don't want him to feel obligated at all conc me. I told ss26, "Please use your money on your kids. They're the ones who look forward to gifts on Christmas and I really don't need anything." I added, "their smiles are gift enough for me." Cheesy I know but I truly feel that way. DH was there and chimed in the same sentiment that he would rather have the kids come visit or make him a "work of art" than ss going out and buy him stuff.
The adult steps, in their
The adult steps, in their 30's and 40's, and their spouses I get the pleasure of dealing infrequently with have never grown up. During holidays we use to all exchange gifts. My DH would usually receive some type of tacky gift or photo of one or more of the steps. I received always a regifted item or nothing. I didn't care, as I was beginning to see how selfish and disrespectful they really are. YSD would actually take DH to the store to pick out which expensive item she wanted DH to buy for her birthday and other holidays. The same for one of the SS's. Mind you, these are grown adults moved out of home with well-paying jobs. This nonsense came to an end when we got married.
After my DH and I got married and the steps ramped up their rudeness to us, DH and I stopped wanting to do anything with them on holidays and I was no longer invited to their holiday gatherings. They also stopped sending him cards for Christmas, Bday or Father's Day. I feel bad for DH. They told him because he does not do anything for their birthdays or for all their kids, why should they have to do anything for him. It is sad, as DH paid for their college educations, cars, insurance, free room and board, designer clothes, sports, and the list goes on and on.
I love the fact we don't have to waste our hard earned money on these self-entitled adult nasties anymore. If I were you, I simply would not let the steps drive you out of your own home. That is just me. We should feel safe, loved and secure in our homes. My first thought would be to want to leave if the adult skids were coming and I was in the same situation; but why should I have to leave my own home? I would stay there and not wait on them at all and let my DH know he has play hostess, not me, and tell him why I feel this way. I no longer fake smiles to them either. I find the more I stay around in my house in the rare event one of the steps stops by, the less they want to go to my home.
Best of luck to you,
I agree with you 100% about
I agree with you 100% about not leaving home so the Skids can be accommodated. I would not give SD the satisfaction of knowing that I had to leave my home so she felt more comfortable in it while she visited DH. She would not do it for me. I also got horrible re-gifts or nothing while we spent plenty on SD.
When children become adults they take on the responsibility of being an adult and acting like one. This means treating people with mutual respect or suffering the consequences. That was the problem with SD. She was never expected to fully transition into adulthood so entitled, disrespectful was allowed and I overlooked it because I loved DH. The problem was that I loved and respected DH more than I loved and respected myself. Lesson learned and resolved. Too bad that both she and DH are living with the consequences now, which is less than ideal. Like your SD, mine does not acknowledge DH for anything either not even a phone call - but then, she never did. And that was because she is still 'special'.
As a teenager I was told not to get pregnant, not to marry an abusive man or one who drank too much. This is standard for what most teenage girls are warned about by their parents. Sad that even today most teenage girls are not warned about men with children - that the man should love her enough to place the marriage as his priority or be left behind.
sandye21; not only is my SD
sandye21; not only is my SD "special", she is "entitled, smart, and the most desired princess in fairy land". Yuk!
"YUK!" Sammi, that is
"YUK!" Sammi, that is exactly my thoughts when I think of my SD. I guess they have been misinformed so long reality will never set in. LOL They were told they were this by people who didn't have too much in the family to draw from as far as smarts or looks. It's all relative. Catty but true.
Yes....
Yes....
Keep in mind, $$$$ is no
Keep in mind, $$$$ is no object in these two women's shopping habits, when it comes to themselves. My SD56 and SGD32 (mother/daughter) cannot pass up a "marked down" or "clearance" sign in a store. They buy three, four, six, etc. of one item. The put these items, clothes, cookies, candy, lotion, etc. in the garage or in an extra closet for later. Then come Christmas or birthdays, they fix baskets or drop into a used gift bag, one of these items to give DH.
They don't buy gifts for me any longer, because I am disengaged. Before they used to buy me yard sale items, stuff it in a used gift bag and give it to me. It still had the yard sale sticker on it. I'm sure it was intentional. They did the same thing for my DIL, whom is not blood family either, of course. She would comment that she just threw the stuff away, as I did also.
Now back to DH's gifts, they still give this "used" stuff and "clearance" junk. The cookies and candy are stale, the clothes fall apart first washing, and the lotion is rancid.....on and on.
I quit hostess work eight years ago and I stopped humoring there butts too. My DH doesn't like it, but then I didn't like it either.
I suggest to completely disengage, it's healthier both mentally and physically. Don't announce to your DH that you will be disengaging, don't have words with them, just say to yourself "take this job and shove it" and walk away the next time their visit is scheduled. I say those words, under my breath and do as I want when they come around, Sometimes I don't leave my home, but there are never words, a silent understanding where we all stand.
Stay here to vent and for support from the rest of us.