Please help me deal with his crazy ex
Hi everyone, this is my first post on this website.
I have been reading through your posts for a while and finally decided to make a profile.
I hope this is the right forum, and I am really hoping that someone out there can help me.
I have been with my husband for five years, and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. My relationship with her is great, and everything with her has gone beyond all expectation. I adore her, and she likes me, we do get along well. The problem is her mother/his ex partner.
His ex simply cannot let go of him. She harasses both of us on a daily basis, whether that being by phone calls, text messages, or in person. Not a day goes by without one of us being harassed. She calls us names, threatens us, and she has also physically stalked us on several occasions. She also tries to involve others, such as his parents and our common friends. She spreads rumors and lies and tries to turn people against us. Occasionally, she tries out a different approach on him, and goes from her daily abuse to a more demanding strategy with questions/demands like "where are you", "who are you with", "buy me food", "help me with this/that", "fix that for me" etc etc... It never has anything to do with their daughter. Up until now, we have ignored her for the most part. One of us occasionally snaps and tells her to grow up, move on and leave us alone, but she never gets the message no matter what we say or do. And my partner obviously feels obliged to always answer her calls, just in case it actually for once is something regarding his daughter.
I always thought that things would calm down with time, but it has been five years now. I am also pregnant now and I cannot deal with her and her b*llshit on top of everything else. I am dreading the day she finds out about my pregnancy because I am certain all hell will break loose.
Has anyone here experienced anything like this? Will it ever get better? What can we do about this?
Thank you for reading this.
The first thing I would do
The first thing I would do would be to block all contact with her. Your DH is the one who hooked up with the crazy back in the day.. let him deal with her.
You don't have to. Don't be at exchanges, don't talk to her, don't engage with her.
Any attempts to stir the pot publicly... gets the "oh..that is just so sad, I feel so sorry for BM.. just can't deal with reality".
As far as your DH... he should not respond to inflammatory crap... stick to the CO and have as little communication with her as possible.
yes all of this.. simply
yes all of this..
simply block her from contacting you
Easy to fix. Both you and DH
Easy to fix. Both you and DH need to get a PO/RO against his X and both of you need to block all contact from her other than through a court mandated medium. There are web sites that many courts will order be used for any communication when one or the other of the parties involved are toxic.
Quit serving yourselves up to be sacrificed on the alter of your DH's toxic and crazy X and take some control. I found that the best management tool to keep my Skid's toxic toothless moron SpermClan in line during our 16+ years under a CO was to keep my foot firmly up their collective ass with every legal, financial, and social tool at my disposal.
Zero tolerance works. Give it a try and.... have fun owning BM's idiot ass. I sure did enjoy owning the asses of the SpermClan. }:)
Good luck.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your responses and advice! I really do appreciate it.
We have both blocked her on all social media and emails, and I have blocked her number from my phone. My husband has not blocked her number from his phone because of their daughter. However, she continues to call and text me by using other people's phones. Sometimes she even calls me from our common friends' phones, so I answer, thinking it is my friend calling. But there she is, on the other end. It is absolutely insane, and I do not know if they give her their phones knowing she will do this, or if she does it without their knowledge. I try to avoid them too now as much as I can.
To answer other questions:
My husband has a court order for visitation yes.
And I never attend the exchanges etc.
I will look into every suggestion you guys posted, and I will have another chat with my husband later. I just pray something will work, because it is not possible for me to live like this anymore.
I agree... that would only
I agree... that would only happen ONCE. If it happened a 2nd time, that person would be blocked as well.
I totally agree with all
I totally agree with all responses before mine.
Unless I over looked it, I did not read the age of the child.
Its relevant for exchanges. DAD can stay in car and child can walk directly to MOM without help.
Below are a few ideas that may help out too:
Start to have clothing at your house SO no bags are exchanged except back pack during school. Send child home in freshly washed clothing MOM sent her to your house in.
One less reason to have mom call and scream where are the new leggings she sent over. IF the child wears glasses you may need to buy a 2nd pair in case MOM forgets to send them. Think of it as if the child lived with dad full time. What are the things we need at our place for her.
NO need to ask BM permission to do this, just do it. At the first exchange of this new plan, dh can simply say "we don't need bags anymore. Just send medication IF applicable"
Your actually doing BM a big big BIG favor. She doesn't have to wash OR pack the childs clothing anymore.
Glad to read you and your dh child get along well.
Hope the ideas help.
Welcome to step talk. Oh one more thing,your not alone!!
^^Best response ever!
^^Best response ever!
Seriously though, the crazy bee is 100% DH's issue. You can sit back and watch the sh*t show w/a bowl of popcorn but she is his to deal with. Sounds like he's happy to have you step in...don't! Once you let him take complete responsibility for dealing w/the demon he procreated with then maybe he'll actually set some boundaries. No reason you should talk to her ever. I've never talked to DH's ex and I never will.
In addition to the great
In addition to the great responses above:
If she likes to pretend she's confused about the schedule, share a google calendar with her, with read-only privileges for her. Do this before you piss her off, since she will need to give you her gmail address for this. If she has a tantrum about not being able to alter it, she can start her own calendar and share it will DH. That way she can't delete what you put on it. If she puts abusive shit on her calendar, take a screenshot and save it.
Mr Number can be set to block calls without blocking texts. Have DH tell PEW (psycho ex wife), in writing, that he wants all communication to be in writing from now on. She will not like that, and will throw a tantrum (be prepared to enforce the CO). DH can review the texts for anything relevant, and ignore the rest, but keep everything for documentation. She may also email, same rules apply. She will not send as much if she knows it's in writing.
If your "friends" are allowing her to use their phones, block them too. If she still gets through, hang up immediately.
DH needs to stop feeling sorry for/ being afraid of her. I don't care if the house is on fire / the water is turned off / they have no heat / have no groceries, she doesn't need his help.
If she stalks you physically, take a picture and call the police. Videotape is even better.
Don't get out of the car at exchanges. The kid is old enough to walk from the car to the house, and carry her own medicine and homework (Goodluck is correct about the clothes). Send PEW a certified letter and copy the police: she is not allowed to get out of her car at your house or she will be charged with trespassing. Videotape her tantrums to show the judge/police. Let her know you are videotaping. Don't speak to her in person.
If your "friends" keep telling you shit you don't want to hear, tell them to stop, or stop talking to them. They may also be reporting your private life to her.
No, she won't stop on her own.