Asking The Professional
I had this going on:
https://www.steptalk.org/node/238753
Today, I went to my counselor to discuss my aging folks (a whole separate deal), and we touched on this same issue. She agreed with all the responders to my post, pointing out that:
Correcting kids is guiding them. When done correctly, the kid will know the parent (or step) will know it's done out of love; failing to correct them will leave them with the impression the parent (or step) doesn't care. If the parent doesn't care much, that makes a VERY influential formative belief that bad behavior is tolerated, and the kids will develop some really poor decision making processes that could plague them all their lives.
So I need to train myself a little - practice in the mirror if needed - but NOT disengage if I care (which I do). I need to say, "I know it's hard to ask the kids to respect my things, but I know it's something they need to learn to live as successful adults. So I'd really appreciate it if you'd support me and get BoyWonder to recognize and acknowledge his mistake and offer to do something to make it right."
I see I'll also need to continue to work on her by gently mentioning the importance of keeping in mind that the *kids* are actually *adults in training* and that the word discipline means "teach," not "punish." So when we see them doing something wrong, we need to teach them. I don't expect them to be perfect or to goose-step around the place, but I DO expect them to respect other people, their possessions, public places, authority figures, and MOST of all: THEMSELVES. I had a Sergeant-Major in the Marines once say, "if someone has no shame in doing something wrong, they won't take any pride in doing things right." Pithy thought, and so true. Kids who aren't proud of accomplishments and ashamed of morally wrong stuff will always see everything as relative ("Well, at least I'm not like Uncle Joe!") and even bad behavior is ok - and THAT, friends, is the seed of narcissism.
So, HELLYEAH, I'll be in this. All UP IN it. But I'll be polite and professional while being fair, firm, and impartial. No disengaging just yet - I have some new tools and a fresh perspective - and confidence to make it happen.
By the way, I'm a big fan of Boundaries For Kids and Boundaries For Teens books. The whole series is excellent (Boundaries For Leaders has helped refresh my managing style at work, too). I can't recommend them enough.
When a child is not taught to
When a child is not taught to respect the belongings of others you end up with an adult like my worthless POS SS32. The one who decided to use our home and belongings with his GF while were on a two week vacation. They still do not understand why that was wrong.
But the silver lining for me is that I NEVER EVER EVER have to even speak to them again. If my DH dropped dead tomorrow I wouldn't even call his son. He could read it in the paper.
I find it harder punishing my
I find it harder punishing my SS than I do my own daughters. I am also stricter on my daughters than I am on my SS.
THIS. I don't punish SD. I am
THIS.
I don't punish SD. I am much harder on my own 2 and make my expectations clear of them. It's much easier to punish a child who you love unconditionally.
"I find it harder punishing
"I find it harder punishing my SS than I do my own daughters. I am also stricter on my daughters than I am on my SS."
This is no surprise. Substitute the word punishing with teaching.
"I find it harder teaching my SS than I do my own daughters. I am also stricter on my daughters than I am on my SS."
You love your daughters from birth - you have more of a history, a connection. You know how to reach them better, and you know what makes them tick. Your SS is enigmatic and can hide a little when things get tough. "You're not my parent." "He's SUCH a GOOD kid. You really shouldn't be so hard on him." "Gosh, I don't want my spouse to be hard on my kids, so I'll be easier on his." There's always an excuse out there (sometimes VERY valid) to go easier on the steps. Add to the list, I gotta say, SKids will be WAY less likely to "have my back" than my kids would (and THEY are millennials who can't even take care of themselves LOL).
TAKE THE PRANK TEST.
So, really, my kids... my folks... my whole family... my fiancée... EVERY one of these folks, I KNOW I could play a prank on them, and they'd KNOW it wasn't me being mean, but it was just having a little fun and including them; and they'd know I'd expect a prank in return. In fact, I might be bummed if they didn't.
Coworkers? Some of them, YES. Some of them, NOPE, and NEVER.
SKids? One of them, yup! She's a firecracker, and is about as fun as anyone could ever know. A good sport, sees pranks as fun forms of expression, and can laugh them off and give them out, too.
But the other... not really. Oddly, I can't trust him as much (he takes my things without asking, isn't very respectful, etc). He doesn't do chores, doesn't help anyone else, takes everything personally, tries so hard to please mommie, always says nobody likes him, always so down about everything... If I tried to include him on a prank, he'd be game except for the times he was being pranked. He loves scaring people - but when he's over the top and doing it to the point of being annoying, I've threatened, "Well, if this is the game you want to play, I'll start scaring you. Do you want that?" Both times that it went this way, he got really upset and had a mini-tantrum, but stopped scaring his mom. He's a momma's boy and probably gonna be like Norman Bates LOL... Isn't it odd how kids like this demand everyone respect their space, but intrude on others? That they demand people be nice to them, but treat others unkindly? I love and have compassion for him (and the LOUSY future he'll have at the rate he's going), but can only tolerate him in small doses, and that seems such a paradox, because he wants us to have a good relationship, but CLEARLY doesn't understand that both parties have to give and take a little to have that. I used to think that if I was his age, I'd want to be friends with him - but now, I doubt it. He's a snot, destined to become a narcissistic adult unless fiancée opts to start encouraging him to make a decision to do something bold, then holding him to his word. I'll keep nudging the steering wheel, but it's her wheel to steer.
Teaching a bratty child to
Teaching a bratty child to behave has nothing to do with love.
A bratty child who is loved yet not punished by the parent is NOT better off than a child who is cared for and disciplined by the step.
Seeems pretty obvious from this entire forum.
A biological link does not a good parent make.
Well, I think that's where my
Well, I think that's where my thoughts would differ from yours.
Love is a pretty nebulous concept. There are a thousand videos, a million songs in history, and billions of variations of the word. Bottom line, I love my Fiancée and accept her kids as part of the deal. I love her. I love them, but in different ways.
My biokids benefitted from getting that bonding with me when we were all a lot younger, just as my fiancée and her kids bonded. That bonding has allowed the development of a degree of unconditional acceptance that biokids usually enjoy. There's a downside, too, which I'll explain further down-post.
My soon to be step kids and I have a much newer relationship, and I'd compare it more to that of an "arranged" relationship. I accept them, and I love them as part of the deal. But LIKING them is optional. TOLERATING their behavior is optional. I reserve those rights, and I exercise them at my own peril to the relationship with my fiancée.
My biokids get a little bit of a break, since I know them and know what they've been through - and their limitations, as well as what motivates them. Not that I'd manipulate them in unhealthy ways, but I'd definitely use certain aspects of their psyches to see things in healthy ways or to recognize a value they may not have considered. It's like knowing how to drive a car that I've driven for 20 years. Downside is, because love overlooks some flaws, I'm maybe not as objective as a third party would be, so I may see a personality trait as trivial, while society sees it differently. Let's be honest, bioparents, I'm right - and to each of us, to varying degrees.
Enter the step parent. I've known these kids only 3 years. Them running into the room shrieking to hear their voice echo is NOT as cute as it was when my own kids did it. OMG, I'M BEING BRUTALLY HONEST! But it's a fact. When my kids did it, I remembered how I liked doing that - and watching the folks cringe was part of the fun - until the third time, and they both told me to stoppit or there would be consequences. Because we had that bond, I didn't want to let them down, so I STHU immediately.
With my STBSKs, we don't have that bond. They don't aim to please me like they would their own folks. Nor do I tolerate their behavior like their folks do. It's NATURALLY that way. 3+1 is not four; 3+1=3+1. No gilded pictur frames, no mood lighting, no sugar coating... it's REAL, but can seem harsh in comparison. But because I love the kids, I will do for them what I know to do - or I will butt out completely.
I hope that makes more sense?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem to be suggesting that if you have been around since the skids were young it’s easier to love/accept/tolerate them but in my experience that’s just not the case.
I got together with my DH when SD was 2 and SS was 8 months old so I’ve been around since the skids earliest memories. While this has helped enormously with their acceptance of me (ie they view me as their third parent) it has not helped me in my acceptance and tolerance of them.
After a decade of parenting these kids I definitely do not love my SD12 and doubt I ever will – in fact I can barely stand to be around her most of the time. I’d be happy if I could just get to a point where I can like her most or even some of the time. As for SS10, I’m honestly not sure if I love him or not. He’s a nice kid for the most part and we get along pretty well but I don’t miss him when he’s at BM’s and I don’t feel any sort of really strong bond there on my side.
Internet caveat: YMMV.
Internet caveat: YMMV.
HRNYC----omg what does LOVE
HRNYC----omg what does LOVE mean to you?
To be fair, I have yet to read a step parent on here who smokes crack and neglects their step children
For darn sure I hear of bio mothers that do and alienate the other parent too boot.
What IS LOVE hrnyc?
Java--glad to read you had a good session
Always fun to share a basic
Always fun to share a basic video on the topic:
https://youtu.be/DmqRNu_Wzbc