Adult Skid issues
I am a bio mom, stepmom and adoptive mom. I have always given the same and tried to treat everyone equal. I've always given bday parties and had great Christmas's. My H and I bought all of the kids their first cars when they turned 16 and held/paid their car insurance. I have always had all of the kids on my medical insurance because me job had the best insurance out of all of us parents. We bought and paid for their cell phones even. My H always paid his child support. So besides the med insurance and child support, everything else was over and beyond. Giving of course didn't work for relationships. I was never given respect by my skids unless they needed clothes or wanted something. I know their mother made them feel guilty if they tried to like me and still does. And yet, I think they do like me to a point as long as I don't try to give them advise. HA!
Well, the Monday before Easter I text all of my children and invited them for Easter dinner. My bio daughter said she'd be there. My Sdaughter called her dad and told him that the time needed to change due to their previous plans with her mom's side. I sent another mass text changing the time. I never heard anything from my Sson. That Friday before Easter I sent another mass text to ask him and his fiancé if they were coming to Easter dinner. He replied that they would be there. I guess I should have left it at that but I was upset that it took four days and a second text to get a response. I told them that we needed better communication and that it is disrespectful that they didn't reply to me. His next text was that they weren't coming now. Well that blew up and the whole family was fighting on text message. Including my Sdaughter and I because she told her brother not to let me get in the way that it was about dad. UGH! I'm the one that needed to go shopping for food and the one cooking them dinner. I just don't get it. 
It's always been this way. My Sdaughter has since apologized. My Sson, we have not heard from.
Their dad and I have been married 15 years. They were 8 and 10 years old at that time. They both have babies and another gbaby on the way. Neither of them finished college and have college like jobs trying to support their families. I'm tired of helping them and trying to have a nice little family while dealing with their rude habits. And to tell you the truth I am kind of embarrassed that they live the way they do.
I don't know how to make it right and I'm not sure I want to. But my husband and I haven't seen our grandkids in over a month now.
Advise????
And I might add that I think
And I might add that I think I am an exceptional Smom.
I do love my Skids. My heart hurts for my husband. My feelings are hurt. Everyone's feelings are hurt. My H always said, you can't just give up. But my Skids always do, and apparently that is ok....
Outsidermom, none of the
Outsidermom, none of the information you stated above really matters. I’m sure you are an exceptional SM. And, I’m sure you do love your SKs. Most of us do, contrary to popular belief. Even if we eventually decide we have to disengage.
You are finding out what I found about after about 15 years of marriage too. How SKs feel about you has very little to do with what kind of person you are. How SKs feel about you has much more to do with BM, bio-dad, and how society in general views SMs. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. And, society in general tends to view SMs as bio-dad’s squeeze and free babysitter, who needs to mind her place at the back of the line, lest she interferes with the one and only true family. SMs are expected to be little more than servants, catering to DH, BM and SKs. It is often conveniently forgotten that SM is dad’s wife, and she at least deserves to be respected and treated as dad’s wife or SO. And, along the same lines, it is often forgotten that dad and his wife (SM) have every right to set their own stds., especially in their own home.
So, stop trying to appease SKs and stop feeling guilty over anything you may have done. In the future, I’d just make plans and tell SKs the date, place and time, and if they can make it, fine. If not, fine. Don’t put yourself so out for them. Let the chips fall where they may. Whatever relationship they have with their father or their grandkids have with pops, is on them. You and SKs are not competitors and you are not their servant. You are first and foremost DH’s wife. Their choices are theirs alone to make and carry.
Thank you. I do need to just
Thank you. I do need to just not worry about it all so much.
Well, it sounds like they are
Well, it sounds like they are definitely members of the "self absorbed" generation. They don't get any of the issues surrounding these types of events and quite frankly don't care. They also have very low thresholds for any coaching or criticism. Their fragile egos can't take it.
So, when you called him disrespectful, that's all he heard and that is why he didn't come. That then evolved into him letting problems with you keep him from his dad.
He didn't like being called on the carpet. Now you know. In the future, invite, don't invite. You know you can't count on them to be responsive. Your husband didn't teach them any better. In the future I would let HIM tender all invitations to his kids.
Thank you! You hit the nail
Thank you! You hit the nail on the head! I agree with you and have already decided not to do the inviting any longer. My H has always been very scared to lose his children. They just wouldn't come over if they got mad at him or I. Sad situation.
Yeah.. let daddy communicate
Yeah.. let daddy communicate with his speshul snowflakes..lol.
Some people just look for reasons to get butt hurt.
Just let them be. We have a
Just let them be. We have a great motto here. "Ignore the whore. ". It doesn't mean anyone male or female is really a whore. It just rhymes better than ignore the ass.
I know you have the best of
I know you have the best of intentions, but you need to consider whether you are guilty of magical thinking...the sort where you envision your big happy family fitting in just right, and then you are wounded when it doesn't.
Any money, effort, dedication we put into parenting of any sort must be done with NO expectation of thanks. Why, because it was OUR choice to do that. Having preconceived expectations of anything just makes you look like a martyr.
I am grandparent age, and threw everything into good parenting, paid for all the luxuries so my lil darlings would never go without...and you know, they are grown up now, and hardly ever call. I don't let it bother me because ages ago I stopped having expectations of,them. This is because of my own experience as a DIL of a controlling MIL.
I had a MIL who dreamed of her perfect extended family too. We were expected to show up for dinners on demand as you describe. Try to,see it from their perspective, to them it feels like you are attempting to control. Sometimes adult kids simply don't want expectations put on them, maybe they are sick of pretending to like various family members, maybe they are tired and just want to celebrate with their own nuclear family? Here comes another SM invitation...enough already!
Bless you for being a giving person, but you have to,accept that these people have flown the nest. The text war is just ridiculous.
Oh I complete agree that the
Oh I complete agree that the text never should have happened. I have apologized for putting it in a text. It is also very obvious that they have flown the coop. We will be a happy family with whoever wants to be a part of it. My bio daughter loves her step dad, my H, but he is all she's known. Our adopted daughter still lives at home and life is good.
I just wish we would see our Skids and grandkids more. I wish they felt differently in my "perfect little world," that's not a bad thing. But I do think I will try not to have any expectations of them. Disappointment hurts. But I think my expectations have only been of good morals, kindness and respect for everyone. We've always had family meetings and everyone used to be in the know of everyone, so a mass text shouldn't be that big of a deal. However, putting it in a text so my tone couldn't be heard was wrong of me. They took it complete wrong and I shouldn't have sent it.
I am a bio mom a few minors
I am a bio mom a few minors at home still, sm (zero contact in 5 years I think), a wife and now I am a granny too. FYI I have been on here for too many years to remember. I believe I too was an exceptional SM...pfft but of all the kindness, being very generous, loving, fun that I gave, it DID NOT matter to Bm's kids AT ALL. I felt very used but quickly got over it. That is THEIR journey not mine.
Anyway:
My face started to contort reading all the things you and dh gave to the kids. Stop trying to help them, coordinate activities etc.
They have their own families now. Every so often CALL them up, not text and invite everyone out to eat or for a cook out. How it usually goes with us, is, HI, we hope everyone is well. On Saturday June xyz we thought we would have The After Fathers Day DAY cookout. Love ya to come. No worries if you cant come buy...just let us know. WE know you may have other plans...............then crickets if they call great, if not OK then. I have never NOT had a return call but then again mine and the our kids WE made have manners.
Don't plan dinners on holidays THEY may have to juggle other stuff. Plan things for the kids that live at home so they don't miss out on stuff.
Its time for you and dh to plan an epic vacation maybe? Don't forget to send the adult kids postcards "HAVING A GREAT TIME"
Sorry, it seems like you are let down....regarding you 'perfect little world".
My dh and I have our perfect little world---it works great for us and 'our' kids.
Reframe your world as you thought it should be. Base it on what IS the currently situation and you will see how quickly it is better than you ever thought !!!!
Thank you! I love our
Your welcome Outsidermom
Your welcome Outsidermom
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters to stop inviting the skids to everything, stop doing for them, stop paying for everything. I too did all this but it has been hell with my stepdaugthers since they reached adulthood and have their own families. My SSs live by us and work with my DH so I see them and their children often. I have a better relationship with SSs and their families and tend to spend more time, effort and money on them. I have real relationships with each of them.
I used to feel guilty that I didn't do the same or have the same relationship with SDs children. I bent over backwards to make up for it to no avail. SDs continually choose to be nasty to me and their father so I disengaged completely a few years ago. I also accepted and got over the guilt of not having a relationship with other grandkids. It isn't my fault and I can't control it so be it.
Now we invite SSs and their families over for holiday meals and they may or may not show up. I no longer count on them for any commitment or communication. This year will be the first year I don't invite any of the stepkids to anything, we shall see how it all plays out. But I suspect not much will happen because I'm no longer playing their little games.
I always thought things would get better when they were more grown up, the SDs are almost 40 now, but obviously not. Oh well, their loss not mine!!
Well, it would be nice if
Well, it would be nice if they would recognize that I'm a nice person like decent human beings. lol
We never had boundries and I am their parent also and the role of authority was mine when I married their father, I took on their responsibility too. I have always praised them and let them know if they were doing wrong. Thank God, cause their BM let them rule the roost at her house. They have learned a lot from me. My SS text me Happy Mother's Day and that he loved me, yesterday. First time we've communicated since before Easter. He is trying to make up I assume, which is a good thing. But I am for sure going to be careful going forward. Dad can do the communicating, then I don't have to be let down.