Anyone have an age gap relationship?
Hey guys,
I just found this website about an hour ago and I'm posting because I'm at a loss.
My fiancé and I have 12 years in between us and he has two teenage daughters. I've been told I have the ideal situation because their mother wants nothing to do with them and hasn't seen them in over 5 years. That breaks my heart but it is what it is. The girls are great kids, they make excellent grades, easy to get a long with and so on, but as the wedding keeps getting closer, I'm starting to have some problems with respect, manners, and just them flat out not listening to anything I say or ask of them. They say "you're not our mom you can't tell us what to do." Or "you're not that much older than us you can't boss us around." It's attitude 24/7 it seems. We can't even have a nice dinner without something going on. Keep in mind anything I've ever asked is very little as I do not live with them. However we just closed on a new house so they would each have their own bedroom and not have to share once we're married. I don't know if it's all the change going on or if this is really how it is with step kiddos but I'd appreciate any advice or tips on how to get through this. We've been together for 4 years and this all has just started happening in the last few months. Thanks in advance.
You and your fiance need to
You and your fiance need to get into some pre-marital stepfamily counseling - STAT!
This is a nuclear step situation. You have two teen females, whose mother has abandoned them.
You and your fiance need to sit down with a third-party professional who can advise you both on how to set up boundaries and stick to them, in order to make your marriage strong. It would also be helpful to have the girls spend some time in counseling, too.
The fact you are marrying their dad is surely bringing up their emotions about their own mother, and how she is not around. Either consciously or not, you are bound to be the whipping post for their feelings.
Don't let that happen. It's not good for you, not good for their dad, and ultimately it won't be good for them. They will wind up thinking they have a lot more power than they should - which will cause them problems in their own personal relationships later on.
This is the best advice and
This is the best advice and the only way to begin a successful marriage. You and your SO need to be on the same page. Do not wait!
One thing sticks in my mind in your post; you are asking them to do and they will not. They are already telling you, you are not qualified to be their Mom or tell them what to do. This will only get worse, if you and your SO do not set boundaries and stay on the same page.
Myself, I would let your SO handle his teen daughters; I would step back and not disengage a great deal with them; give them respect and be civil and nothing more.
You and SO set some house rules, such as chores, meals, all of the teen rules that fit in your household.
Good Luck!
What is the age difference
What is the age difference between you and his children?
I completely agree with what
I completely agree with what HeavenLike wrote. Try to be a aunt figure and leave DH to do all the parenting. That's the only way it might work out.
I am 15 years younger than my DH, and SD was 14 when we first started dating. We got married right after she turned 17.
Luckily BM did not abandon her, so SD never lived with us, so I don't have experience with that part. That said, a few months after I met SD (I didn't meet her until we were a few months into our relationship), she decided she didn't want to spend time with both me and DH, so we didn't see her for a while because DH refused to let her dictate who he spent his time with.
She did give attitude when we got married, but she later admitted it was how DH told her about the marriage, and not the actual marriage. (He told her we were getting married, and didn't allow comment or discussion.) We had more issues again when she found out we were trying for a baby, but she was already 19 years old at this time and she stayed away over 6 months this time.
I will say that I have never tried to parent SD at all. When she was younger, I offered opinions if DH discussed anything with me, and he would choose for himself whether or not to take my advice. In the last couple of years, I finally feel like SD is like a niece (she is 25 now).
The teenage years are VERY difficult, even without her living with us, so you have your work cut out for you. Family counseling, trying to grow a thick skin, and staying out of the parenting as much as possible will be key. Good luck!
The teen years really are the
The teen years really are the worst. My DD is 15. I would love to step right on out of the parenting role!!
Luckyone It is not your role
Luckyone
It is not your role to own.
I also am 11 years younger
I also am 11 years younger than DH; there was only 10 years difference with OSS and I. I made the mistake of letting SD become "a friend"; 30+ years later she tells me she NEVER like me. My DH defends his DD and always will; my only mistake, I engaged with SD and should have just kept an arms length.
My advice is to stay emotionally disengaged and support SO. The counseling will be very beneficial for all of you, before marriage. It will alert SO to the problems that can arise and he can understand the big picture, hopefully.
You posting here also tells me you realize there is already a developing problem.
((((hugs))))
BRAVO!
BRAVO!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice. I guess I should specify a little more as my post is a little vague. I'm 13 years older than the oldest and 15 years older than the youngest. I do not try to parent them and the only thing I've ever asked them to do is take their plate to the sink or take their dirty shoes off when they are at my house for dinner (we don't live together yet) or something to that effect. I let their dad take care of the rest because it's not my place. Not my circus, not my monkeys. But I'm marrying the ring leader so some common ground has to be established and I'm just asking for opinions on the best way to get that going.
Their mother got into trouble and up and ran off one day with another man while they were at school. They haven't seen her since and my fiancé has only seen her twice in court. She's made it obvious she doesn't want to be a mother and has a new life a few states away. I didn't say myself it was the ideal situation, I have had other people with step children saying it's ideal because you don't have to deal with any mom drama. It breaks my heart that she just up and abandoned them. So please don't confuse anything, I think it's terrible.
I just get disrespect more than anything I guess. They will interrupt when I'm talking to their dad, when he goes to give me a hug or kiss when he leaves sometimes they will stand in between us like toddlers. They tell their dad things I did which are things I didn't do. Picking out dresses for the wedding has been a nightmare and full of meltdowns as well. Up until we got engaged things were great. They wanted to go places with me, they would text me constantly, and I I felt like they were with me more than they were with their dad. Now it's the exact opposite.
I will most definitely look into counseling because I'm not a fan of this.
"I do not live with
"I do not live with them."
Smart lady. You'll be much happier if you retain your own residence after the wedding. Moving in w/2 teenage girls who resent you is going to be H#ll! DH can have conjugal visits at your home
thus the kids started playing
thus the kids started playing the " you can't tell us what to do" card.
That's very simple Hom, postpone the wedding keep your finances separate and do not contribute to them. This is a clear sign that their father is not worried about their attitude and up until Daddy tells them to knock it off, the marriage is postponed.
My bride and I have the age
My bride and I have the age difference to you and your DF. I am 53 and my bride is 41. An age difference makes no difference in a blended family marriage ... if.. and it is a big if.... you and your SO are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your marital home regardless of biology of any kids in the mix. The key is that you and your SO must hold each other and the marriage as the unequivocal priority. Kids never take priority over the partner or the marriage for either of you.
For sure kids are the top marital responsibility but never take priority to the relationship at the core of the blended family marriage.
My case is notably different to yours as I am the elder one in our nearly 23yr marriage and I entered the picture when SS-24 was 15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
The answer to the "you can't tell us what to do" Skid crap is for you and their dad to sit them down together and as a united front give them the message that they are not adults and yes... you can and will be providing adult direction to the kids in the marital home. Daddy needs to not only say these words to his spawn with you present he actually has to make you his equity life partner and equity parent in the home.
If he won't, this is not the guy you want to make your life with.... IMHO of course.
Good luck.