Fundamentally, there is nothing you can do if SD does not invite you to her wedding. You personally cannot "force" her to do so.

The only person who can impact this is your DH. Have you all provided (joint) money for her wedding? That can have some bearing on the situation - money talks.

If SD is adamant that you are to be excluded, then your DH has a couple of choices: Tell SD he will not participate or attend the wedding unless you are included and recognized as his wife. Or ... Go to the wedding without you and suffer the impacts it will have on your marriage. Or ... come to some sort of compromise, like he will attend the ceremony and walk her down the aisle, but after that he leaves and doesn't attend reception.

My SD is getting married later this year. At least she put my name on the "save the date" - and assume she will do so with the invite. To be honest, I'd just as soon not go. But I also cringe to think of my SO alone at the wedding (with his ex) and can only imagine what kind of silliness may ensue.

For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her.

I am just trying to imagine staying with a man who lets his daughter make these kinds of demands and how she must have been raised to think that this would be okay.

My SD is 25 and although I am probably not her favorite person in the world, she knows better than to not invite me to anything that she expects her dad to show up for. To tell him how he should act towards me in any given situation? Hell no.

If your husband didn't want to be "in the middle", he should have taught his daughter to have some respect, not only for himself but for others (like his spouse).

He can make excuses for her (like jealousy) but that does not excuse him allowing this behavior.

No time like the present to take that stand you'd like him to take, but what if he doesn't?

You wanted advice - here's mine:

Ignore the whore
Block her
Erase her from your life 100%
Never speak to her
Never be in her presence
Never speak of her

Done.

Why would you want to go to her wedding? Wild dogs couldn't drag me to that wedding.

The deal breaker for me would have been my husband saying he wasn't going to get involved if someone threatened to take my life.

I wouldn't ask him to pick sides. He already has.

But I am curious about the age difference. Are you just a few years older?

I agree with many others. I wouldn't want to go. But I can tell you honestly that my DH wouldn't want to go without me. It wouldn't be for my benefit or because I told him not to. It would be because my DH honestly wouldn't want to be somewhere like that without me especially knowing the disrespect these people have shown to his wife.

If your DH wants to go and doesn't care if you are there, it sounds like you have larger marital issues. If he really wants to go and wants his wife with him, then it's up to him to go to war with his DD. Then if DD agrees to allow you to come, it's you choice if you are willing to put yourself through that for the sake of your husband. If it were me, I would go for my husband, but we wouldn't stay long.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is best. SD doesn't want you to go then don't. Someone suggested going on a cruise instead, that's a fantastic idea. Plan something fun that weekend, go somewhere, anything but waiting around for DH to get back from Bridezilla's event.

It's unlikely that DH will ever stand up to his daughter so just go with it. Send him off to see her alone, outside of your home. A boundary I would set is she should never be allowed to set foot inside your home but DH can go off anytime to see her.

We've had a few close calls with ss31 almost roping some poor girl into marriage, luckily it's fallen apart every time. I hope, if he ever does get married, that I won't be invited to attend the wedding because that would make my choice easy and I won't go. DH will be perfectly fine all by his lonesome and I will be off somewhere forgetting I even have a step family. Last summer he ran off to his ex-FIL's bday party with the ss's, his ex IL's and BM. He didn't invite me and I didn't insist on going, instead I went out for the day, shopping, gym, movie, didn't get home until late. Had my phone off the whole time. DH got home around 5 and I didn't show up until almost 10. "Where were you? I was so worried!" Whatever, he was spending the day in *original family land* with BM so no need for updates from his current wife.

He doesn't want to be "in the middle." WTF.

Call him out on that. There is no "middle." There is one person being cruel and aggressive and there is one person being attacked.

Tell him she's his daughter and you understand he loves her no matter what but you are his wife and expect to be treated like his cherished treasure. Tell him behavior is separate from her standing as his child. He can and should condemn the behavior - it is what loving parents do all the time.

And if you have to, remind him you are an adult with choices and you don't have to stay where you are treated poorly. There. is. no. middle.

I don't care what you do about the girl's wedding. I just want you to stop accepting this bs rhetoric from your dh and stop accepting his acquiescence to the girl's demands about YOUR life. Next time she's around grab your dh and rock his world to barely within the rules of decency. Then grab his hand whenever you like. If she looks cross-eyed about it let your hand wander toward his freaking belt buckle. She'll either run away screaming or she'll shut up about the mere handholding.

And if it's your dh who freaks out? Well, just look him in the eye and calmly say, "I have some things to think about." It will be a LONG time before he gets any of that in private if he can't hold your hand in public. And that would be him getting off easy.

How long were DH and BM divorced before you started dating DH and were introduced to SD?

"DH has done nothing saying he doesn't want to get in the middle. For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her. He just continues to let me be disrespected and frankly part of me is not sure I can continue in the marriage this way. Btw she refused to come to our wedding which in the end was fine by me but at least I had the class to extend the invitation to her."

Wow! He doesn't want to get in the middle of his own divorce, but he wants you to?--someone whom I'm assuming had nothing to do with the divorce whatsoever. (Only about 6% of stepmoms involve daddy having an affair and then going on to marry that person.)

Clearly your DH has been letting his daughter control his relationship for years, "For the last 10 years he was forbidden by her to hold my hand or show any affection to me in front of her." Manipulative, controlling BM (or SD) and weak, enabling DH = step hell.

It doesn't help either that society expects SMs to suck it up and take it, meaning, SM is supposed to contend with always being literally the second wife whenever BM is around, or her children. SM is supposed to bowdown to bio-mom hanging out with her husband and BM acting like he is still her husband any time she wants. A 3-way marriage.

Well, I've come to conclusion--MAJOR BS to that! You are married to your DH, no if, ands or buts. And, 3-way marriages are not allowed in the US. The US allows you to only have one wife (or husband) at a time. You and DH are a couple. BM and DH may be parents, but you and DH are a couple, and deserve to be treated like at couple 100% of the time. Anyone who can't handle that, deserves to be flipped off no matter who they are.

So, love your DH, act like you are married, because you are married, and anyone who won't accept that can go to H- and then some. If DH wants to go into the viper's den by himself, let him. Like many others have said above, and I say below, go have a spa day!!

OP,

Sorry that your husband has not stood UP for you, his wife. That is a heck of a place to live in and be in. I would not have put up with that.

NO advise here from me.

My first thought was... pffft tell Dh to go and enjoy your free day... then I read 10 years together...
that changes my answer totally...

If DH have to walk her down the isle... simply compromise, DH can do that and skip the reception and tell his brat bitch daughter, my wife is not invited, thus I have no business being at the reception.

Your DH should ask sd if he can bring a +1 friend to the wedding since you will not be there.

Then you find the youngest hottest (and most trustworthy) friend you have to do you a favor and go with him.

I have a close friend (about 30 years tha. I am) who truly does look like Sophia Verraga . She'd do that for me.

That lil gal sounds horrible, sick and not a little unhinged. And shes getting married into a Catholic family. How nice - soon the veil will come off and everyone hopefully will see her for who she is, and turn away. Too bad - feel sorry for the sucker who is marrying her.

Your DH needs to make a stand somehow - my SO would never allow me to be excluded, or threatened by anyone. Does he need "how to grow a spine" classes? My So - however strong he is, he does allow himself to get pushed around by women in his life. He is the youngest of several strong siblings, and although he is independent, he lets the girls push him around a bit. Sounds like your DH is used to pushing your DH around A LOT. This started way before you. Just remember, she will ALWAYS be his daughter.

I think your DH needs to stand up to his daughter, by supporting you. Either you're invited or he isn't going. End of story. You are his wife. His daughter can accept it or not.

By catering to her tantrums your DH is enabling her

My DH would never stand for that. He would refuse to attend if I were not invited. His eldest daughter also used to try this crap on us. DH put his foot down, at least on that, and now she doesn't pull it anymore

Has nothing to do with whether you want to attend or if you even will, but you should not be excluded, especially if it's just because she's being a jealous immature brat

I have found peace and a serious relationship growth by putting me first and refusing to go anywhere that makes me feel uncomfortable. I do not go to DH small family gather (consisting just of his children). We decided to spend Christmas abroad last year, he wanted to have Christmas dinner with his children. That was fine by me, I helped him prepare the meal, dressed the table beautifully. I then got ready, put on my heels and spent the entire day with friends.

I have learnt to let go. It really hurts when you feel disrespected, judged, rejected and not supported by your DH. So my step was to build boundaries. I told my DH he can be a father to his kids, but unless something changes, I am not going to be in a toxic environment. So my advice to you, is ask yourself, do you really what to be in an atmosphere that is not conducive to you? When you can be out with friends. There is nothing you can do to stop an adult step child to like you or respect. Accept they are hurting and build your own walls.

In my case, BM said she will not be going to SD wedding if I went. Thankfully DH said, that he will attend the wedding, but he will not go to the reception without me. I get on with 2 out of the 3 children. I was invited to the engagement and wedding until BM made her terms. In the end, BM did not go. I sat on next to DH and was treated extremely well. The groom's parents, made sure that I was included in absolutely everything. All in all, we had an amazing day, even the disgruntled SS kept his balance. It was his sisters wedding and she has made it clear that she wants a relationship with me and my children.

Grow a layer of thick skin, keep your boundaries, explain why you are having and keeping your boundaries to DH and maintain them. Sooner or later he will understand. Looking back, I cannot believe that things are much easier, thanks to this site and to mine taking care of me.

sounds Like my osd (now 45)....It isn't about what dh wants...He IS n the middle. He has allowed his daughter to sit in a seat of authority over himself. Big mistake. although pretty common in divorce settings. He has not confronted her at all, and now she is dictating your lives?

STOP!...you and your dh need to step back...get some counseling, and take control of your relationship with no outside influences. Establishing healthy boundaries, and self respect as well as respect for each other is crucial. She is not part of that formula.

He will have to learn how to confront her and redirect her trespasses...

She has been taught that her actions are acceptable by dh doing nothing.

I would respect that she does not want to have a relationship with you...but there are consequences to those choices. She does not understand that her perspective is really messed up because her parents did not maintain her role in the family as the daughter when their family broke apart. Unfortunately, she perceives she has more authority than you or your dh...Which is not the case.

She has a seat at the table of your family structure, but it is not your seat...she is one of the children. And now she is not going to be satisfied with her position originally because she has gotten a taste of the power. Sounds like she is intoxicated by it. Which in the end is not good for her...you, or your dh. If she is allowed to continue this hateful journey...she will ruin your life...If you let her.

When i disengaged (for 4 years)..It gave me the time (and break from the constant trauma), to push my own reset button on my own life. I was able to step back and look at it...i could not believe how much I allowed them to beat me down year after year of this sort of mental psychological and verbal abuse had just about crushed my personhood as an individual...

I had to do it without dh. Cut off the toxic co-dependency, and realize that somehow, my identity morphed to hinge upon this new role of being sm...

Go back to your individualism as a person...Regain your identity...your true self. Who you were created to be...Be that single person again. Do some real soul searching...and save yourself from this toxic merry-go-round to nowhere...

I did not have to physically leave my relationship to accomplish this...but I did have to check out mentally, by putting up healthy boundaries, by getting back to God, and doing a lot of research...and a lot of trips to the counselor with dh (they were able to show him his error, as he would not listen to me, because he thought my opinion was biased.

Now, after being tested over and over...and holding the boundary line to protect myself from people like that...Dh witness my newfound self respect and has gradually mustered up the courage to stand by me...he still vacillates from time to time...but, His respect level for me has escalated to a level that now coincides with a culture of honor in our home. i will continue to stand in position I have been given by God. (even if I have to do it alone)...although I am never alone in it...

It was a long, painful journey to get here...The osd has not changed her attitude one bit...(not my problem)...Unfortunately for her...I chose to respect where she is at...but that's it...it does not give her the right to trespass the boundaries, come into my home, and unfortunately for her...she gave her father the ultimatum, and of course he chose me...(he does not have to reside with her), and she is 45 after all.

The last family gathering we went on, she showed up and her only comment to him was "The only reason you and I do not have a relationship is because of your marriage covenant" (we have been married 29 years)...My response to dh when he told me was "You're not going to buy into that lie are you"... She overheard me, and glared at me the rest of the evening....

You see I realized her issues are within herself...i just do not allow her to externalize her problems onto me or my marriage...the reason she is so screwed up is because her parents failed to parent when the divorce was taking place. She just hasn't gotten to the point in her journey that she can take an honest look at it and admit it....I get that...but, with that being said...it does not give her the license to try to abuse me, my children, or my marriage, in the process...My last suggestion to her was to get some professional help...

Her behaviors toward my family are absolutely not OK...When she said she was "done"...(as manipulation tactic)...Our response was.."We will respect that"...and let her go. Now she is pissed because it didn't work, pulling the grandkids didn't work...We have left her with herself to deal with her own issues...by herself...and hopefully she will get the help she needs (the truth of the matter)...and now we can get on with our lives...Peace.

This scenario is the sad reality of how cruel severe Pas'ing of children can be. She still thinks her mother loved her so much, and doesn't realize that all of the hate spewed toward dh an myself was because her mother's bitterness...she used her all of her children as weapons for revenge...and no...their divorce was not cause by me...dh and I never met until after his ex-wife had been re- married for years...Their marriage failed on it's own merit. Bm died 4 years ago, and osd's fantasy of her mother who loved her soooo much is just a false reality she is not willing to trade for the truth of the matter at this point...The other two children are coming back to their senses and trying to re-engage with us,,,it is challenging because it is all so new and different from what it was before..They were told we will NEVER return to what it was before....Peace.

Go anyway. Your DH is invited and by default so are you. Go, be radiant, beam your happiness as you are on your DH's arm. If the bride wants to let that ruin her day... that is her choice. Neither DH nor you should say a word to SD about it. Just do it.

Squeegie: Do you want to go? Do what you want. If you want to go with your DH, then do it; don't make a fuss over it, just do it. Tell your DH you want to go and you won't make a scene, but you want to be acknowledged as his wife and you don't want to be treated otherwise.

If you don't want to go, then find something else to busy yourself and let it go.

The next time SD tries to assault you, call the cops and have her removed from your home and then get a RO. You can excuse yourself to the bathroom and call 911 and stay in the other room until the cops show up. Make a believer out of your SD.

My SD is not allowed to pull that crap any longer; Law Enforcement has already been to my house and believe me it shut the crap down. I did not make a scene, just quietly stepped outside and called the local enforcement and waited out there until they showed up. Nobody inside knew I was even doing it, until they showed up and went inside, without me, to sort it out. The next morning I obtained a Court ordered Protective Order. It took a hearing before the Judge weeks later to get it all settled. It opened eyes at my house and it is peaceful now. I am still hated by SD (who cares), but I have peace. My DH was extremely angry with me and will probably never get over it; but they step back; they know I will do it permanently if it ever happens again; everyone will be out of my house forever.

My DH allows his DD to do as she pleases and always has for 56 years. Therefore, it is a no win situation to fight with her. My DH will never apologize for her actions, he will never make SD56 respect me, and my DH refuses to go to marriage counseling or think he has ever done anything other than be perfect (he's never wrong). So I decided I would make my own boundaries for myself and my marriage. If my DH doesn't like me, I told him to not let the door hit him in the a$$$ on the way out. I mean it and he knows it. It took 30+ years for me to get enough of the bad treatment.

Nobody is going to change your situation, but you. Go girl!