Teenage SS is a Nightmare - HELP!!

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New to posting here so bear with me. I have not children but am in an excellent relationship with a man who has 3 from a previous. They are all awesome but I struggle with the oldest boy on the regular. He is 16, thinks the world revolves around him and generally ignores me. He thinks his dad hung the moon which is sweet but gets annoying when I bust ass every other week to take care of him. I make his meals, do his laundry, fetch things for him from the store and clean up after him. I realize that this is general teenage behavior but the fact that he doesn’t show me any respect is getting old fast. He insists on using our bathroom which grosses me out (God knows what 16 yo boys do in the shower – bleh)! He leaves his dirty clothes on my clean floor, leaves the toilet seat up and basically trashes everything he touches. The two younger kids are kinda slobs but they love me and have fully accepted me so I let it go. I find myself looking forward to the day he moves out so that I don’t feel like I have to tip-toe around in my own house. Any insight on how to deal with this? I’ve started to wonder if I should focus on NOT caring. Maybe it will make this process easier for me.

Then stop 'doing'. Stop doing

Then stop 'doing'. Stop doing anything for him that uses special effort. If you are making pizza he gets a slice or two. But nothing special like his own preference. Tell SO you want to reclaim your bathroom and redecorate it to your tastes. If SO makes a fuss, OK so there is your answer. SS is more important than you. Your guy may be the 2nd Coming but unless he gives you autonomy in your home you will always be unhappy.

So no more laundry. You only do laundry for people who are respectful. No to the bathroom. Lock the door. He makes a mess, ask SO to clean it up... please. As perfect as the world seems, there is always a point where you are past the honeymoon period and reality sets in. Hopefully SO is on board to straighten his son out.

I have started to stop I

I have started to stop I realize that in the beginning, I was trying to prove myself & my self worth by doing EVERYTHING and I think this has turned and bitten me in the ass. I don't want to create monsters out of them but I also know that their BM does the bare minimum to take care of them. The good news is, SO and I are adding a master suite to the attic of our home so within the next couple of months, the bathroom won't be an issue anymore. I asked why SO allowed SS to use the bathroom and he felt it would do more damage to cut off the SS. As in, "why are things different now that she is here?" I guess when the BM moved out, he started using it. Whatever, it's still gross. Thanks for the advise I stopped doing the laundry and have insisted they pick up after themselves... in the nicest way possible, of course. It's really tricky being in the middle like this. I can't discipline (and don't want to) but have to treat everything with kid gloves so that I don't come across as a nag. I am learning to juggle like a pro!

But things are different now

But things are different now so why act as if they aren't?? If bio son wanted to use his dad's bathroom when it was just dad and dad was okay with it then it is was okay. But now there is a woman using that bathroom and I am sure you would like to be able to move about your room and bathroom with privacy with a certain level of cleanliness so in effect he needs to stop using the bathroom. Why can't SO stand up to his child and simply state that women like to have a certain level of privacy in their own bathroom? IMHO this might be a red flag to you for things to come and how they will be handled.

You cannot compensate for BM failings as a parent, they have 2 parents and those 2 parents are not you. You will not win any extra points from the kids by doing extra things for them. Keep reading this board and learn from everyone else's experiences BC it will be handy to you to know so when a situation does arise you already have prior knowledge on how to handle the situation. It will also help you know what to look for from your SO.

"I don’t feel like I have to

"I don’t feel like I have to tip-toe around in my own house"

I forgot to add this about your comment above, if you moved in to "their" house it will be a long time coming before it feels like it is your house especially if SO already can't tell the oldest to stay out of your bathroom now.

This is where I disagree. It

This is where I disagree. It is my house... well, our house. SO started calling it that as soon as I moved in. I have given the place a complete face lift in the past 2 years I've been there, including my furniture, art, decor etc.. I know that this is where the kids grew up with their bio-fam but it's definitely transformed and become something different.. and nobody is complaining about the upgrade.

I completely agree with you

I completely agree with you about there need to be boundaries but this is a different family than the one I grew up in. They are MUCH more open about their... bathroom habits. I have had to make a lot of concessions. Which is fine. In the end, the kids aren't going to be around forever. I am just trying to cope with the habits that have already been established. I get that I am not going to change things over night. SO is super supportive of me but is also trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids... which I respect. And again, this wont' be an issue within the next couple months.

I am happy for the feedback I am learning A LOT!

Not your children not your

Not your children not your problem, this is what you have to live by.

read the link below

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Not sure what you mean by

Not sure what you mean by "the same thing happens when you're stupid"... but I get the disengaging angle. I have never approached this as a mother figure, even though I know that I fulfill some of those rolls. I disengaged from that notion early on. I do, however, want to be supportive. I think my dilemma here is finding a middle ground where I don't feel like I am being taken advantage of. I have no problem caring for these kids. I love them fiercely and I don't want to disengage too much because that's what their BM is doing. It's a slippery slope.