Thank goodness I found steptalk!
Hi. I am new to this forum. I've spent some time over the last couple of days reading posts and, even though the stories are sometimes awful, I felt a huge sigh of relief that you know how difficult stepfamily life can be.
We have 2 beautiful very young children and my husband has 3 teenage children to a previous marriage. I met my husband 1yr after he divorced and it has been a rollercoaster ride of craziness ever since. The situation is at the stage where I have disengaged from his older children progressively over the last 6-7yrs. Our children don't know they have half-siblings. They don't interact at all as DH's older children don't answer my toddlers when they have attempted to speak with them. They have tried to hurt them before, eg kicking them, deliberatley coughing/sneezing on their baby toys and laughing, and putting them in unsafe situations so now they are not allowed near them unsupervised - ever! The stepkids pay video games 24/7 now which I'm not unhappy about because they stay in their rooms unless it is meal times. Suits me!
My husband still bangs his head against a brick wall and panders to them. It drives me crazy but I tend to take our children out so I don't have to witness it. He gets frustrated with their rudeness and ignorance but rarely to the point where he does anything about it.
Me - well, I say hello and goodbye every weekend and that's it. No "How are you?" etc. I cook for the household sometimes when they are here but rarely because they hate anything I touch. They are repulsed by me.
Their mother - she's a piece of work. Horrid. Lots of different men 'visiting' but that's not my concern. She must have a calendar set for important dates for us - my birthday, our anniversary, etc because each year she causes major issues which attempt to drag us down.
That's my story. I look forward to chatting with you all.
"My husband still bangs his
"My husband still bangs his head against a brick wall and panders to them."
That, right there, is your problem. What is allowed is what will continue. Your DH allows all of it.
Until he actually starts parenting his children and putting up boundaries and following the CO to the letter with his ex, you and your children will continue to suffer.
The only one you should resent and be mad at is your DH.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. Our situation has thankfully improved over the years. I feel as though we are biding time until they are adults. I have empathy for my husband though as he has been alienated against his 3 older children since I've known him. It's been traumatic to be a part of. Now, I just watch the carnage as his ex-wife continues to alienate him with lies and manipulation. He always takes the high road but to his detriment at times. For example, his ex-wife tells their kids that my husband doesn't financially contribute to their upbringing when we have proof he pays a high amount plus pays half of their education. Instead of proving it, my husband just says 'Things aren't always how it seems. I've always paid to support you all', then he is confronted with 'Are you calling mum a liar? She gives us everything'. He refuses to delve into it deeper and I think that is pandering to some degree.
You are right - he does enable their behavior.If our children spoke to us rudely we wouldn't tolerate it for one second. There would be consequences. He has always had a fear of losing them permanently because the threat from their mother has always been there.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a great place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
It sounds to me that you have settled on a place where you can cope with your toxic Skids and protect yourself and your young children from their toxic elder sibs.
Your DH still has some work to do IMHO. His tolerance of their crap without taking direct, consistent, and effective action to address their toxic behaviors does not speak very highly of him IMHO.
Good luck and keep us up on how things are going.
Hi. Thank you for your
Hi. Thank you for your response. DH is a good man - way too soft IMO though. The alienation he has experienced from his ex-wife's games has been over the top and disgraceful. I feel as though most of the time he is just trying to survive with his older kids so they stay in touch with him. He doesn't want to give up on them but his situation is hopeless. Their mother is full of revenge for him 'moving on' even though they were divorced when I met him.
The approach we decided on when they were very young was that we would not counteract the alienation by retaliating through the kids but where we failed was we also didn't tell them the truth in a child-friendly way. Hind sight...
You hit on what I believe is
You hit on what I believe is an absolute necessity in a blended family situation. Kids need the facts regarding the demise of their parent's relationship and any continuing behaviors that impact the relationship dynamics.
My wife and I landed on this after we had been married about 6-ish years and SS was about 8. Over the years he would come home from SpermLand visitation and drop a "Grandma said....." or "Why did you .....?" as a result of their toxic PASing crap. So... we started seasoning him with the facts of the history, behaviors, CO... etc... in an age appropriate manner.
It is never to late to introduce the kids to the facts of their blended family dynamics. Of course they can be too young for this but my litmus test for starting to introduce the kids to the facts is mostly based on how much crap the blended family opposition is loading them up with. Though 8+ is probably a good parametric for being old enough to start hearing the facts.
A good place to start is to sit them down and review the Custody/Visitation/Support order or Divorce order with them and outline what is required by the CO.
Go on from there by answering questions or responding to toxic opposition behaviors by giving the kids the applicable facts.... again in an age appropriate manner.
Arrest records, cheating events, contempt of court behaviors, etc, etc, etc....
It is good to hear that DH is a good man. However, a good man does not necessarily make a good parent just as a good woman does not necessarily make a good parent. I hope that your DH can gain confidence in himself and start to hold his kids accountable for treating him in a proper and appropriate manner regardless of their ages.
As his Custodial household parent my wife and I felt it was important that we prepare our son to be able to protect himself from the toxic manipulations of the SpermClan. He is now 24, aged out from under the CO 6+ years ago and is fully capable of keeping his BioPaternal clan in line. They were not real happy about it when he started calling them on their BS when he was in his late pre-teens and on through his teens. But they couldn't contest the facts he had.
Good luck.
DH is a great Dad to our
DH is a great Dad to our children. He has been blocked at every direction with being able to his older children. Their mother has done some horrendous things over the years. The older kids spout their mother's words as the truth. She is held in the highest regards by them. Nothing DH says could ever counteract her lies. She has manipulated them to highest degree.
When I began to disengage, including not being responsible for them at any point without DH present, meant he couldn't leave our home without them in tow. The stepkids bucked up because it meant their video gaming time was interrupted constantly - DH told them it was their doing because they had lied about me and how I cared for them (I was horrible - only giving them 5 choices of lunch fillings for school lunch, not allowing video games until homework was completed each day, making them take their plates to the kitchen after meals, making them brush their teeth, not allowing M rated movies when they were young, etc).
What has your DH done to
What has your DH done to confront BM on her Parental Alienation of him and to get the courts involved when she violates the Custody/Visitation/Support order?
Our strategy was zero tolerance. However, my wife was the custodial parent in our blended family situation and it is usually much easier to address these things as the CP rather than the NCP.
That's right. I know it is
That's right. I know it is bizarre. The older kids don't talk - really, they are silent 99% of the time. They don't interact with our children. When they did it was only to stick their tongue out in them or roll their eyes. It was only negative. I remember our then 18 month old child attempting to hold their hand and stepkid saying 'Stop. I don't like it. Don't ever touch me again'.
Our kids haven't really mentioned anything. We talk to them about how the stepkids are here to spend time with DH and the only response our kids have is of worry that they have to play with them. Our eldest has an idea that DH is their Dad and I'm not their mother but doesn't understand much further than that. Our kids have never met DH's ex-wife (and hopefully never will).
It's something we will have to elaborate further on soon. They are quite inquisitive kids so I am surprised there haven't been more questions. I feel very uneasy about referring to them as brothers/sisters when the stepkids have clearly said they don't want that and have nothing to do with them. Their is no relationship whatsoever. The only thing they have in common is their father. For me, that doesn't make someone family. We have referred to our little family and big family and have included the stepkids as a part of the 'big' (extended) family. I'm sure this sounds harsh to some people but it is preservation of our family.
This one is a train wreck
This one is a train wreck waiting to happen. I think it is time to start seasoning your kids with the facts of the situation regarding dad's other kids.
I am struggling with your DH's tolerance of these behaviors from his elder brood. This kind of crap would have been met with a plethora of completely unpleasant consequences in my parent's household when we were growing up.
What has ne done to jerk a knot in the tails of his elder spawn over their crap?
You are a good lady to try to
You are a good lady to try to make all this work. However, I have learned my husband does not have it in him to change, he maybe like yours. I had to accept what I tried to change for years, as something completely out of my hands, and not my fault. It is all his....
The only way I can live in the situation is to stay totally away from them, completely, in every way. Because "we" do not exist to them, and, he does not make them accept "we," and chooses to excuse inexcusable behavior, rather than admitting to the obvious.
When that happens, and it happens to many of us; you have only one choice as you will read about it here--- over and over. It is a last resort choice, but one that you have to make, when the time arrives and you are done with it all...
If you come to that place one day...just stop it all, stay away from all interaction with these kids, (including your husband with them), period. If that does not wake the sleeping dead, nothing will.
You cannot create change with HIS kids, or him, if he does not see the light on his own. I would keep the kids away from HIS too, especially if they are treated this way by them. Just like you should not subject yourself to being abused, you definitely should not subject your children to their abuse, as well; relatives or not. I do not think it matters if you tell them they are related, because the way these children are treated by these unaccepting kids, they would not care one way or the other; just the way I see it. Telling them is no big deal, because it would not matter,regardless.
Never blame yourself for his inability to parent and man-up, he is doing nobody any favors by being a sorry father and husband (in this respect).
You are doing excellent! Do
You are doing excellent! Do not, engage with your DH's kids to the point they can interfere in your marriage.
My biggest mistake 37 years ago, letting my grown SD (then 20) let me believe she was my friend. It is called passive aggression and extremely hurtful in the end.
You are handling it well by staying your distance and taking care of your children and your marriage. If you DH doesn't parent his teens; it's his problem. If you try to step in and "help", you will be the bad person in the end. I never tried to help my DH parent my YSS. YSS was a teen, when we married, and in and out of the Justice System; thank God I let DH handle it. Even now, my SD56 says I don't like YSS53, because I was never involved in his life. What???? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I have never and will never regret not sticking my nose in my DH's parenting.
Stay happy and free of this zoo, and stay here with us!
Thank you for your responses.
Thank you for your responses.
I will never be directly involved in their lives again. That ship has sailed!
With regards to the alienation, DH did go to court and stepkids lied and backed up their mother in their interviews. They convincingly denied everything. Their mother 'offered' to do a parenting course to provide the best childhood for them which the courts seemed to consider was a positive gesture. We know better.
She is crazy - puts on a great front and then hits us with her vile behavior. It actually scares me what she is capable of. Eg. She threatened to call up my workplace and tell them I'd abandoned her children on the side of a highway because I wouldn't leave work and pick them up when she wanted to go out (outside of court ordered days/times DH was to have them). I didn't go, neither did DH. However, I did speak to my boss at the time and was deeply embarrassed to have to explain the threat. We did report the incident to the authorities though. That's the incident causing me to refuse to do changeovers ever again.
I absolutely leave DH to parent the stepkids. He battles them on some issues, eg hygiene (showering once a week is not enough), answering when anyone speaks to them, not making derogatory comments to disabled people, etc. I've actually told DH not to bother insisting on them to make conversation to me as it is uncomfortable and superficial. We've agreed that a 'hello' and 'goodbye' every second weekend is fine.
2true - block BM from ever
2true - block BM from ever contacting you in any way and then secondly... start the rumor at home that you resigned and now has a new job...
BM should no even be able to see your FB or any other social media accounts, block her 400%... and skids
I don't have any social media
I don't have any social media accounts because of their mother. It's annoying because it would make contact so much easier for family and friends.
I have no contact with her. I haven't seen her for years.Her poison filters through in other ways and through the stepkids.
I probably need to revisit
I probably need to revisit the privacy regulations. I'd only use it to share photos of our family and I'd be shattered if she got her hands on a picture of them (she's likely to do something weird/creepy with them). I remember looking at facebook a while ago and my concern is that some members of DH's family are linked to the stepkids so if they have access or someone 'tags' a photo and they are friends with the other family member will they be able to access it?
FB is a very nice thing to
FB is a very nice thing to have, if you decide before hand how you want it....
1. block all skids and bm.... they will not even be able to look you up
2. set your page to the highest privacy you can find, no one can write on your wall unless you approved it, no one can tag you,
3. You only befriend your family not even in-laws
People keep on asking if I have FB, I simply say nope not interested, but I'm very busy on FB }:)
Thank you. That's great
Thank you. That's great information. I will look into it asap. I didn't realise people couldn't even look you up unless you allow it. That's great.
I've put most of my settings
I've put most of my settings to only me...
or only friends.... that friends of friends is to open. Thus if I really want to befriend some one I will look them up and send an invite... if they try and look me up they will not find me