I didn't do it all at one time, and I'm generally not disengaged from them emotionally too much. They can still ask me questions or get feedback from me and they know that.
My pivotal moments are -
DH and SDs refusing to attend an event I bought tickets for a month in advance. Everyone wanted to go then, but the day of, everyone said it would be stupid and they'd rather stay home. No one reimbursed me a dime. So I stopped planning anything.
Moving into new home and DH refusing to give SDs (then 9 and 11) any chores or back up our agreement that they were going to take care of their rooms and learn to clean their bathroom. The no food in rooms rule was ignored. So eventually (and this took a long time, until this summer) I stopped going in their bathroom or bedrooms (SD10 is ok, but I've withdrawn from helping with her laundry because DH defaulted on helping with that).
I withdrew any help with teeth cleaning / bathing when DH told me, in summary, that brushing teeth and bathing regularly wasn't a big deal and I was being too strict. So I stopped helping, unless DH specifically asks for help. I don't comment on clothing or cleanliness unless it directly effects me.
I stopped buying things for SDs last Xmas when SDs complained about what they got. And things were lost/destroyed quickly. DH and BM were complacent when I bought basics for SDs. So I stopped. SD11's last minute school project in which she desperately needed something I ended up getting for her...found out she didn't do that project after all and gave the item to her friend instead. Cold turkey stopped that.
I think my light bulb moment was just after DH and I were married, my OSD was in one of her "up" cycles with me...all falsely pretending to be okay with everything and seemingly nice to me. There is always a "Wham!" to follow with her when she is like that. There was a get together at my sister's house, I invited both my SD's (without DH) and thought they would enjoy some bonding with my family and I
They both accepted and I was so excited, wanting so much just to have a good relationship with them both. I had been with DH for over 10 years by then SD's were both very up and down with me still, but much worse with OSD. That night I thought (stupidly) maybe, finally, we would start to bond for real.
My sister was excited for me and went out of her way to do everything she thought my SD's would like.
My sister had all sorts of their favorite foods catered in, I bought and paid for all wine/whatever drinks I thought they would like to drink while there.
YSD had lost her cell phone (again) so I gave her mine to use for a few weeks, including that night, so she wouldn't be without
When they got there, all YSD could do was complain about how I didn't drive her there (she was 22, had her own car, and I had to work so couldn't leave early to go out of my way to pick her up (no thanks for the cell phone I lent her, no thanks for buying her favorite wine, and later she bitched to DH that people there were 'mean' to her)???? Good one, and not true at all - quite the opposite, she was embarrassing rude and attention-seeking all night
Half way through the evening, OSD, in the sweetest tone and most pleasant voice ever said how she was "only nice to the woman in her father's life, for her father's sake" that if that woman and her father ever had an argument, even if her father was 150% wrong she would support him no matter what because her was her BLOOD, but that the day that relationship ever ended for any reason that woman (DH & I had been together for many years by then, and again, had finally just gotten married - so clearly she was talking about me!) she would have nothing to do with. That the only reason she knew that woman was through her father, she meant nothing to her and served no value in her life, and would never hear from her again
Keep in mind, nothing had happened at all to warrant this sugary tirade from her. She had just broken up with her BF, and mad at YSD for still talking to him, she refused to talk to YSD all night, but insisted on explaining to me why, with an example I could relate too - seriously!!!
My sister was like "WTF is wrong with your ungrateful, drama-seeking, nasty SD's"
I was hurt, embarrassed, and eventually furious. With both of them. At that point I started to disengage for real.
Fortunately my YSD really and truly smartened up and we have a good relationship now. My OSD is still a bitch, but, I finally gave her exactly what it was she made so clear to me she wanted. Me NOT in her life!
Bonding with skids doesn't exactly mean wanting to play mommy to someone else's kids...at least that's not the way I see it
I very much wanted to bond with my SD's in the first many years DH & I were together
Wasn't about trying to mother them, it was about trying to form relationship's with people very important to DH, so always better if you can actually get along and have a pleasant relationship
I think many SM's do make that same mistake though. You go into it thinking that one day it will all come together, one day it will work. And often it doesn't.
In my case, it certainly did with my YSD. And believe me, life is so much better when the relationship is truly pleasant and respectful
With my OSD, not so much, but in her case it's all good - disengagement was truly the best thing I ever did.
I have no desire to have any relationship with her any longer - let alone a mothering one!!
My lightbulb moment was pretty early on. Like, within the first year of knowing skid. One day DH, skid and I were swimming in the pool and I distinctively remember skid was treading water in the deep end and DH had exited the pool to grab something to drink. Skid: "Hey momjeans! My mom said that I'm not allowed to go anywhere with you and that I'm not allowed to be left alone with you without daddy there. She said you're not allowed to touch me."
I responded loudly and very matter of factly "Oh yeah? Is that what your mom said?"
The proverbial deal was sealed right then and there. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I disengaged from SD when she was in the RTF. My oldest told me that she threatened to kill his cat because he caught her stealing pills and shaving razors from our bathroom. I re-engaged when she was released at tge request of her therapist and psych. Disengaged again when she admitted to telling the most horrendous lie about her father. Re-engaged again when I found out she was dumping her meds and was having full blown conversations with her other self. Disengaged for good when she spread more lies about DH, myself, our friends and my father and brother.
Disengaged from SS when ge called me a homophobe. Ummm, some of my closest friends are gay, my older brother was experimenting with the idea of transgender, and my oldest son is bisexual.
I snapped mentally and walked away from the whole dysfunctional family when I found out that DH had betrayed our private life, including sex and $$$$$ to his grown daughter, my SD56, for 12 years, while I was taking care of my career, my disabled DH, my figure, my bedroom life with DH, our health insurance, the house, yard, campouts, BBQ's, family dinners, you name it, I was doing it, while these two a$$holes gossiped about me.
All I ever wanted was for my Skids to respect me; I didn't want them to be any deeper attached. I treated them with respect and thought they would do the same. I had all these red flags and made every effort to be a better SM, but could not figure out what was going on; while my DH was telling SD all the little picky things he thought was wrong with me, the same things he had complained about in regards to BM to me for years, after we had married.
The whole thing came down when SD56 wrote me a two page hate email, two years ago, and threw DH under the bus, telling me everything they had been discussing for years. SD told me to move out and let her Dadeeee...be her's again.
Long story, short! It's a different life at our house and has been for two years. Bottom line, my boundaries, my life; I don't care what, when, or who DH or SD are involved with. It's DH's mistake and he is trying very hard to make it right; but it will never be the same. I'm over it! I will NEVER engage with my SD again. I love my DH, but I don't much like him for what he did to me. I have tried to forget and forgive and I know it will never happen. I have moved forward, but don't trust my DH. I have accepted the change in my marriage and have no problem leaving it out of our home, along with SD56.
My New Years resolution; continue my disengagement from both DH and SD, concerning what they have put me through. I will make myself #1 and they both are on a "need to know basis"; it's not happening!
I didn't really have a light bulb moment. It was years before I discovered this site, didn't know disengagement existed. I just withdrew gradually, from the activities engaged in by my DH and his daughters, EOW. This happened about a year after I met them. I could see they didn't want me around, and I didn't want to be around them. Eventually my DH took over a good deal of the cooking because the SDs refused to eat my (lovely) cooking. I often left the table whilst they were still eating because they purposely tried to exclude me from the conversation.
Not really a specific moment for me either. But I was never "fully" engaged I suppose. My situation is a little different than most of the posters' above in that my skid was 4 when I entered the picture, and she really liked/likes me- and i am blessed that she is a sweet kid. I didn't realize until we were all in love etc that my boyfriend, now husband, was really hoping and expecting that I would take over his parenting duties and act like her 2nd mommy.
I started to know I had to change my behavior about 1.5 years into our relationship- I had yet again spent my whole weekend at dh's house (30 min from my home) all of which involved playing with sd, bathing her, reading stories etc and sitting on the floor doing whatever activity she wanted, watching kid movies, listening to her constant interrupting through meals or any other time DH and I tried to have an adult conversation, basically meeting her needs (and ignoring any of my own) , to see BM push back the pick-up time and watch DH's complacency around it... Then when BM finally showed up to get her, (hours after the original plan) SD dropped me like a bad habit. I guess reality of the situation hit me then - the realization that I could love this little girl and make endless sacrifices for her if I wanted to but that I would never be mom. At first that was a sad moment for me, but now I think it's just normal. I never wanted to be her mom.
BM's hold over DH was evident more than ever the first year we got married- he fought and blamed me whenever I suggested it was unfair that we literally lived at her beck and call. We couldn't plan anything for ourselves. Our schedule was literally dictated by this other woman. DH was a guilty dad. He works a lot and wanted me to pick up all his parenting slack. Well, I work a lot too. I felt like they (DH and SD) expected the world of me and my needs were always dead--last.
I decided shortly thereafter that I wasn't going to participate in the enabling of BM or guilt. Sd is not my kid and not my problem. I love her but honestly I don't worry about what she's doing most of the time and don't really care. I miss her about as much as I miss my nephews through marriage when she's not here. My husband has to parent her. I will help out of I have time between my job, and our two little kids. I don't invest a lot of emotional energy in sd anymore and don't expect anything from her, except basic respect in my home. She's still a nice girl, just not mine.
Wow, I guess initially I noticed after I planned several trips for us to go on and concerts to attend (me paying all bills of course), and, she spent about zero time with us and laid down her own conditions for the trip, like what I had to do to pick her up and where, etc. etc, without ever asking me. After about two times of that mess I stopped. But I was a very slow learner and I allowed her and her sisters to use me in many other ways before I realized they expected me and thought dadeee would make me do things for them. A dead give away is never thanking me for one thing and insulting me and my daughter every way they could think of to do so... Everything about them was to be celebrated and everything about us was to be completely ignored, regardless. Oh, yes, excluded from numerous things (daddee never said a word); so when I excluded myself, the B's started asking where I was....Again, daddee never said a word.
Dadeee will never say a word, and the peace I have arrived at accepting that this is all his fault, has brought me joy for once and for all. I am done, I am done with being with daddee around them who's love bucket over-floweth with daddee paranoia nd guilt or something sick, done with their insults and selfishness; done with being excluded, ignored and being made fun of...Just done.
Many of the stories above, sound just like mine, almost like I was married to the same man/men....It is uncanny...how we disengaged wives deal with the same thing from our spouses and the SD's,
Had daddeee corrected this BS behavior, we might have had a chance at a positive relationship; his complete inability to be a man and a father enabled this situation, which I have accepted will never change.
It is great to know I am not alone in these crazy feelings too....
I notice a few posters have mentioned how their husbands/partners did little to address the behaviour of their children. At the time this was a big issue for me, and caused problems between us, that is, when I could be bothered to call him out on it. Often I just let it go.
Eventually after his daughters treated him as poorly as me, he began to see that maybe he had gone down the wrong road. Nowadays he is much more aware of how poor their behaviour was.
I still have a fair bit of residual anger about this.
urg, never had that moment, I joined here to get perspective, I got the disengagement link and immediately disengaged, if SO asked me something I smiled and said, sorry busy can't do...... if Aergia text me a rude text eg.. effing pick me up now.... I would simply ignore it.... could not care how long she waited till some one gave her a lift...
SO would ask why did I not help, I would reply... oh she has you and her mother in town and if she was polite I would've considered it but her text is simply rude.....
so never had a light bulb moment.... I decided to disengage, I did and well never really gave a damn about Aergia or SO and their struggles
I didn't have a "light-bulb" moment per se, but realized over time that I needed to distance myself emotionally from the skids. At the time these feelings started, I didn't know there was such a thing as disengaging - I didn't know there was a term for it until I found this site.
I realized that I needed to disengage when I became aware that they were lying to DH about me and my daughter (and even my mother!). OSD started to ignore me and DD whenever we talked to her - unless DH was there to hear. Whenever DH and I left together (no matter what we were doing) the comment was made that "Dad needs to be here spending time with us instead of out with his second wife" - they said that amongst themselves and in front of my DD. OSS threatened to slap my daughter because she was talking during a tv show - she was 13 and he was 22 at the time. Those words will never cross his lips again - I became fully involved at that time, for that moment. There was so much more that happened but I don't want to take over this post with all that.
Another factor was realizing DH has much pity for the kids (their mom is deceased) and therefore excuses their actions. There are no consequences or reprimands for bad behavior only enabling by excusing their actions - "they didn't know..." which is BS because they are 17 to 24 years of age. If DH doesn't do it first, I will call them out on their behavior - if it pertains to me, my DD, or DH. If they get mad, who cares? Not me! There is no excuse to be rude and live like a slob.
I do like what another poster in another thread had written - being nice or doing things for the skids is "an investment into the marriage" Now IF I do something nice for the skids, I do it with the knowledge that 1) it will not be appreciated and 2) I could care less how they react to it - otherwise I'm setting myself up to get offended.
I spent 3 years trying to bond with my skids, for DHs sake of course. My lightbulb moment came when I joined Twitter. A link came up to SDs tweets and there, for all of the world to see was her true feelings towards me and my daughter. It was so hurtful, rude, condescending, insulting, nasty and mean. She even posted photos of our home with sarcastic disparaging comments. All the efforts I had made....she made fun of. And yes she tweeted them all to BM. So I knew the measure of them! DH tackled her over it but I never received an apology. My one regret is venting to my daughter because it changed forever the quality of their relationship. I asked my daughter recently about her thoughts towards SD (they are one year apart in age) and she said she tolerates her for DHs and my sake but otherwise she means nothing to her. Disengagement was very easy after that reveal and SD means nothing to me too. SS is a bit better but I always feel he is going to BMs with stories to ridicule us. He tries to bait me to get me angry but I don't bite and there is no fun for him in that.
i think the best thing to do is let karma take charge. one sd is in the family way. she was always shall we say large young women. she is now turning into a whale. her already nasty nature will get even nastier when she looks in the mirror and sees herself so huge. and she always made fun of other people and their weight problems. cant wait to see her waddling around.
I just found this site. I am so glad to know I'm not alone in disengaging. My final straw was when xw texted my husband to say osd and ysd both needed to go to the dr. He could not pick them up so I went. Xw came out and said "the girls refuse to go with you. If their dad can't pick them up they aren't going." This followed an event that happened when I got pregnant. My osd began refusing to come over and wrote her dad a note saying she never wanted us to get married much less have a baby. I lost the baby. That was about 3 years ago. It's only gotten worse but I'm just numb inside towards them.
It really happened over time with me probably 2 years after I got married to their dad. At first it was little things then it just got to be too much. Looking back I did realize the unhealthy obsession my husband had with his kids in that he felt so guilty about the divorce he would do anything to see them, talk to them, etc. and considering their age 8 and 11) I thought it was subside a little bit and hopefully the bio mom would give a little once she got married. Well that never happened. Coming back from our honeymoon we landed and had to go see his kids play tennis straight from the airport, we went on one trip without the kids and the the whole weekend was spent on the phone asking about the tennis tournament they were playing in and again going from the airport to see them. It got to where I was asked where I would like to go on a summer vacation but it had to be played with his kids first. That became the norm after 3 years of marriage all the while being the bad guy for not accepting their behavior (very manipulative and disrespectful at 14 and 17 years old) and being blamed for voicing my disagreement. So, I disengaged! I will not go on trips with them. The youngest one is not allowed to come to our house from his behavior at Christ,as) and I have told my husband it's his child. If he co,eat over I will leave or they can go to his parents. I will not live in a toxic environment anymore. I am 46 years old and I deserve better. If my husband doesn't have my back I will have my own back and do what I need to do to stay sane!
I really think it's up to each person. Some people have their own children along with stepchildren so they see things different than I would having no kids of my own.
I was pretty much disengaged with SS shortly after meeting him as he was just a bottom of the barrel unemployed, often homeless, druggie alcoholic young adult.
I opened the door a crack years later (SS was 30) when he settled down with a woman who had a home and job, and they had a baby. Boy what a mistake. They ransacked my home while we were on vacation.
Both are now TOTALLY DEAD to me. I honestly could step over their rotting bodies without a backward glance.
skids were out of the house and had jobs. no longer in college.
they are out of sight our of mind. dh still calls and texts them several times a day. that is annoying but still none of my business. they contact him because he is the open wallet.
occasionally i hear when they get new jobs or dating someone new or wound up in hospital. that is all i need to hear. they dont contact me and i dont contact them. if their father died tomorrow i would not tell them.
once you disengage, you are no parent what so ever to skid... it's up to their bio parent to parent and teach..
not your kid and not your problem... you disengage from skids not from your partner
I was always semi disengaged
I was always semi disengaged but when I realized what she really thought of me, I also became indifferent.
I didn't do it all at one
I didn't do it all at one time, and I'm generally not disengaged from them emotionally too much. They can still ask me questions or get feedback from me and they know that.
My pivotal moments are -
DH and SDs refusing to attend an event I bought tickets for a month in advance. Everyone wanted to go then, but the day of, everyone said it would be stupid and they'd rather stay home. No one reimbursed me a dime. So I stopped planning anything.
Moving into new home and DH refusing to give SDs (then 9 and 11) any chores or back up our agreement that they were going to take care of their rooms and learn to clean their bathroom. The no food in rooms rule was ignored. So eventually (and this took a long time, until this summer) I stopped going in their bathroom or bedrooms (SD10 is ok, but I've withdrawn from helping with her laundry because DH defaulted on helping with that).
I withdrew any help with teeth cleaning / bathing when DH told me, in summary, that brushing teeth and bathing regularly wasn't a big deal and I was being too strict. So I stopped helping, unless DH specifically asks for help. I don't comment on clothing or cleanliness unless it directly effects me.
I stopped buying things for SDs last Xmas when SDs complained about what they got. And things were lost/destroyed quickly. DH and BM were complacent when I bought basics for SDs. So I stopped. SD11's last minute school project in which she desperately needed something I ended up getting for her...found out she didn't do that project after all and gave the item to her friend instead. Cold turkey stopped that.
I think my light bulb moment
I think my light bulb moment was just after DH and I were married, my OSD was in one of her "up" cycles with me...all falsely pretending to be okay with everything and seemingly nice to me. There is always a "Wham!" to follow with her when she is like that. There was a get together at my sister's house, I invited both my SD's (without DH) and thought they would enjoy some bonding with my family and I
They both accepted and I was so excited, wanting so much just to have a good relationship with them both. I had been with DH for over 10 years by then SD's were both very up and down with me still, but much worse with OSD. That night I thought (stupidly) maybe, finally, we would start to bond for real.
My sister was excited for me and went out of her way to do everything she thought my SD's would like.
My sister had all sorts of their favorite foods catered in, I bought and paid for all wine/whatever drinks I thought they would like to drink while there.
YSD had lost her cell phone (again) so I gave her mine to use for a few weeks, including that night, so she wouldn't be without
When they got there, all YSD could do was complain about how I didn't drive her there (she was 22, had her own car, and I had to work so couldn't leave early to go out of my way to pick her up (no thanks for the cell phone I lent her, no thanks for buying her favorite wine, and later she bitched to DH that people there were 'mean' to her)???? Good one, and not true at all - quite the opposite, she was embarrassing rude and attention-seeking all night
Half way through the evening, OSD, in the sweetest tone and most pleasant voice ever said how she was "only nice to the woman in her father's life, for her father's sake" that if that woman and her father ever had an argument, even if her father was 150% wrong she would support him no matter what because her was her BLOOD, but that the day that relationship ever ended for any reason that woman (DH & I had been together for many years by then, and again, had finally just gotten married - so clearly she was talking about me!) she would have nothing to do with. That the only reason she knew that woman was through her father, she meant nothing to her and served no value in her life, and would never hear from her again
Keep in mind, nothing had happened at all to warrant this sugary tirade from her. She had just broken up with her BF, and mad at YSD for still talking to him, she refused to talk to YSD all night, but insisted on explaining to me why, with an example I could relate too - seriously!!!
My sister was like "WTF is wrong with your ungrateful, drama-seeking, nasty SD's"
I was hurt, embarrassed, and eventually furious. With both of them. At that point I started to disengage for real.
Fortunately my YSD really and truly smartened up and we have a good relationship now. My OSD is still a bitch, but, I finally gave her exactly what it was she made so clear to me she wanted. Me NOT in her life!
Bonding with skids doesn't
Bonding with skids doesn't exactly mean wanting to play mommy to someone else's kids...at least that's not the way I see it
I very much wanted to bond with my SD's in the first many years DH & I were together
Wasn't about trying to mother them, it was about trying to form relationship's with people very important to DH, so always better if you can actually get along and have a pleasant relationship
I think many SM's do make that same mistake though. You go into it thinking that one day it will all come together, one day it will work. And often it doesn't.
In my case, it certainly did with my YSD. And believe me, life is so much better when the relationship is truly pleasant and respectful
With my OSD, not so much, but in her case it's all good - disengagement was truly the best thing I ever did.
I have no desire to have any relationship with her any longer - let alone a mothering one!!
My lightbulb moment was
My lightbulb moment was pretty early on. Like, within the first year of knowing skid. One day DH, skid and I were swimming in the pool and I distinctively remember skid was treading water in the deep end and DH had exited the pool to grab something to drink. Skid: "Hey momjeans! My mom said that I'm not allowed to go anywhere with you and that I'm not allowed to be left alone with you without daddy there. She said you're not allowed to touch me."
I responded loudly and very matter of factly "Oh yeah? Is that what your mom said?"
The proverbial deal was sealed right then and there. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
See, I would have done the
See, I would have done the exact opposite and let BM find out all about it. F that, noone is going to monitor what i do
I disengaged from SD when she
I disengaged from SD when she was in the RTF. My oldest told me that she threatened to kill his cat because he caught her stealing pills and shaving razors from our bathroom. I re-engaged when she was released at tge request of her therapist and psych. Disengaged again when she admitted to telling the most horrendous lie about her father. Re-engaged again when I found out she was dumping her meds and was having full blown conversations with her other self. Disengaged for good when she spread more lies about DH, myself, our friends and my father and brother.
Disengaged from SS when ge called me a homophobe. Ummm, some of my closest friends are gay, my older brother was experimenting with the idea of transgender, and my oldest son is bisexual.
I snapped mentally and walked
I snapped mentally and walked away from the whole dysfunctional family when I found out that DH had betrayed our private life, including sex and $$$$$ to his grown daughter, my SD56, for 12 years, while I was taking care of my career, my disabled DH, my figure, my bedroom life with DH, our health insurance, the house, yard, campouts, BBQ's, family dinners, you name it, I was doing it, while these two a$$holes gossiped about me.
All I ever wanted was for my Skids to respect me; I didn't want them to be any deeper attached. I treated them with respect and thought they would do the same. I had all these red flags and made every effort to be a better SM, but could not figure out what was going on; while my DH was telling SD all the little picky things he thought was wrong with me, the same things he had complained about in regards to BM to me for years, after we had married.
The whole thing came down when SD56 wrote me a two page hate email, two years ago, and threw DH under the bus, telling me everything they had been discussing for years. SD told me to move out and let her Dadeeee...be her's again.
Long story, short! It's a different life at our house and has been for two years. Bottom line, my boundaries, my life; I don't care what, when, or who DH or SD are involved with. It's DH's mistake and he is trying very hard to make it right; but it will never be the same. I'm over it! I will NEVER engage with my SD again. I love my DH, but I don't much like him for what he did to me. I have tried to forget and forgive and I know it will never happen. I have moved forward, but don't trust my DH. I have accepted the change in my marriage and have no problem leaving it out of our home, along with SD56.
My New Years resolution; continue my disengagement from both DH and SD, concerning what they have put me through. I will make myself #1 and they both are on a "need to know basis"; it's not happening!
I didn't really have a light
I didn't really have a light bulb moment. It was years before I discovered this site, didn't know disengagement existed. I just withdrew gradually, from the activities engaged in by my DH and his daughters, EOW. This happened about a year after I met them. I could see they didn't want me around, and I didn't want to be around them. Eventually my DH took over a good deal of the cooking because the SDs refused to eat my (lovely) cooking. I often left the table whilst they were still eating because they purposely tried to exclude me from the conversation.
Not really a specific moment
Not really a specific moment for me either. But I was never "fully" engaged I suppose. My situation is a little different than most of the posters' above in that my skid was 4 when I entered the picture, and she really liked/likes me- and i am blessed that she is a sweet kid. I didn't realize until we were all in love etc that my boyfriend, now husband, was really hoping and expecting that I would take over his parenting duties and act like her 2nd mommy.
I started to know I had to change my behavior about 1.5 years into our relationship- I had yet again spent my whole weekend at dh's house (30 min from my home) all of which involved playing with sd, bathing her, reading stories etc and sitting on the floor doing whatever activity she wanted, watching kid movies, listening to her constant interrupting through meals or any other time DH and I tried to have an adult conversation, basically meeting her needs (and ignoring any of my own) , to see BM push back the pick-up time and watch DH's complacency around it... Then when BM finally showed up to get her, (hours after the original plan) SD dropped me like a bad habit. I guess reality of the situation hit me then - the realization that I could love this little girl and make endless sacrifices for her if I wanted to but that I would never be mom. At first that was a sad moment for me, but now I think it's just normal. I never wanted to be her mom.
BM's hold over DH was evident more than ever the first year we got married- he fought and blamed me whenever I suggested it was unfair that we literally lived at her beck and call. We couldn't plan anything for ourselves. Our schedule was literally dictated by this other woman. DH was a guilty dad. He works a lot and wanted me to pick up all his parenting slack. Well, I work a lot too. I felt like they (DH and SD) expected the world of me and my needs were always dead--last.
I decided shortly thereafter that I wasn't going to participate in the enabling of BM or guilt. Sd is not my kid and not my problem. I love her but honestly I don't worry about what she's doing most of the time and don't really care. I miss her about as much as I miss my nephews through marriage when she's not here. My husband has to parent her. I will help out of I have time between my job, and our two little kids. I don't invest a lot of emotional energy in sd anymore and don't expect anything from her, except basic respect in my home. She's still a nice girl, just not mine.
Wow, I guess initially I
Wow, I guess initially I noticed after I planned several trips for us to go on and concerts to attend (me paying all bills of course), and, she spent about zero time with us and laid down her own conditions for the trip, like what I had to do to pick her up and where, etc. etc, without ever asking me. After about two times of that mess I stopped. But I was a very slow learner and I allowed her and her sisters to use me in many other ways before I realized they expected me and thought dadeee would make me do things for them. A dead give away is never thanking me for one thing and insulting me and my daughter every way they could think of to do so... Everything about them was to be celebrated and everything about us was to be completely ignored, regardless. Oh, yes, excluded from numerous things (daddee never said a word); so when I excluded myself, the B's started asking where I was....Again, daddee never said a word.
Dadeee will never say a word, and the peace I have arrived at accepting that this is all his fault, has brought me joy for once and for all. I am done, I am done with being with daddee around them who's love bucket over-floweth with daddee paranoia nd guilt or something sick, done with their insults and selfishness; done with being excluded, ignored and being made fun of...Just done.
Many of the stories above, sound just like mine, almost like I was married to the same man/men....It is uncanny...how we disengaged wives deal with the same thing from our spouses and the SD's,
Had daddeee corrected this BS behavior, we might have had a chance at a positive relationship; his complete inability to be a man and a father enabled this situation, which I have accepted will never change.
It is great to know I am not alone in these crazy feelings too....
I notice a few posters have
I notice a few posters have mentioned how their husbands/partners did little to address the behaviour of their children. At the time this was a big issue for me, and caused problems between us, that is, when I could be bothered to call him out on it. Often I just let it go.
Eventually after his daughters treated him as poorly as me, he began to see that maybe he had gone down the wrong road. Nowadays he is much more aware of how poor their behaviour was.
I still have a fair bit of residual anger about this.
urg, never had that moment, I
urg, never had that moment, I joined here to get perspective, I got the disengagement link and immediately disengaged, if SO asked me something I smiled and said, sorry busy can't do...... if Aergia text me a rude text eg.. effing pick me up now.... I would simply ignore it.... could not care how long she waited till some one gave her a lift...
SO would ask why did I not help, I would reply... oh she has you and her mother in town and if she was polite I would've considered it but her text is simply rude.....
so never had a light bulb moment.... I decided to disengage, I did and well never really gave a damn about Aergia or SO and their struggles
After 6 months of Acra
After 6 months of Acra badgering me to do it.
I never reached that
I never reached that point.... and hope I won't. Inshallah.
I didn't have a "light-bulb"
I didn't have a "light-bulb" moment per se, but realized over time that I needed to distance myself emotionally from the skids. At the time these feelings started, I didn't know there was such a thing as disengaging - I didn't know there was a term for it until I found this site.
I realized that I needed to disengage when I became aware that they were lying to DH about me and my daughter (and even my mother!). OSD started to ignore me and DD whenever we talked to her - unless DH was there to hear. Whenever DH and I left together (no matter what we were doing) the comment was made that "Dad needs to be here spending time with us instead of out with his second wife" - they said that amongst themselves and in front of my DD. OSS threatened to slap my daughter because she was talking during a tv show - she was 13 and he was 22 at the time. Those words will never cross his lips again - I became fully involved at that time, for that moment. There was so much more that happened but I don't want to take over this post with all that.
Another factor was realizing DH has much pity for the kids (their mom is deceased) and therefore excuses their actions. There are no consequences or reprimands for bad behavior only enabling by excusing their actions - "they didn't know..." which is BS because they are 17 to 24 years of age. If DH doesn't do it first, I will call them out on their behavior - if it pertains to me, my DD, or DH. If they get mad, who cares? Not me! There is no excuse to be rude and live like a slob.
I do like what another poster in another thread had written - being nice or doing things for the skids is "an investment into the marriage" Now IF I do something nice for the skids, I do it with the knowledge that 1) it will not be appreciated and 2) I could care less how they react to it - otherwise I'm setting myself up to get offended.
I spent 3 years trying to
I spent 3 years trying to bond with my skids, for DHs sake of course. My lightbulb moment came when I joined Twitter. A link came up to SDs tweets and there, for all of the world to see was her true feelings towards me and my daughter. It was so hurtful, rude, condescending, insulting, nasty and mean. She even posted photos of our home with sarcastic disparaging comments. All the efforts I had made....she made fun of. And yes she tweeted them all to BM. So I knew the measure of them! DH tackled her over it but I never received an apology. My one regret is venting to my daughter because it changed forever the quality of their relationship. I asked my daughter recently about her thoughts towards SD (they are one year apart in age) and she said she tolerates her for DHs and my sake but otherwise she means nothing to her. Disengagement was very easy after that reveal and SD means nothing to me too. SS is a bit better but I always feel he is going to BMs with stories to ridicule us. He tries to bait me to get me angry but I don't bite and there is no fun for him in that.
i think the best thing to do
i think the best thing to do is let karma take charge. one sd is in the family way. she was always shall we say large young women. she is now turning into a whale. her already nasty nature will get even nastier when she looks in the mirror and sees herself so huge. and she always made fun of other people and their weight problems. cant wait to see her waddling around.
I just found this site. I am
I just found this site. I am so glad to know I'm not alone in disengaging. My final straw was when xw texted my husband to say osd and ysd both needed to go to the dr. He could not pick them up so I went. Xw came out and said "the girls refuse to go with you. If their dad can't pick them up they aren't going." This followed an event that happened when I got pregnant. My osd began refusing to come over and wrote her dad a note saying she never wanted us to get married much less have a baby. I lost the baby. That was about 3 years ago. It's only gotten worse but I'm just numb inside towards them.
It really happened over time
It really happened over time with me probably 2 years after I got married to their dad. At first it was little things then it just got to be too much. Looking back I did realize the unhealthy obsession my husband had with his kids in that he felt so guilty about the divorce he would do anything to see them, talk to them, etc. and considering their age 8 and 11) I thought it was subside a little bit and hopefully the bio mom would give a little once she got married. Well that never happened. Coming back from our honeymoon we landed and had to go see his kids play tennis straight from the airport, we went on one trip without the kids and the the whole weekend was spent on the phone asking about the tennis tournament they were playing in and again going from the airport to see them. It got to where I was asked where I would like to go on a summer vacation but it had to be played with his kids first. That became the norm after 3 years of marriage all the while being the bad guy for not accepting their behavior (very manipulative and disrespectful at 14 and 17 years old) and being blamed for voicing my disagreement. So, I disengaged! I will not go on trips with them. The youngest one is not allowed to come to our house from his behavior at Christ,as) and I have told my husband it's his child. If he co,eat over I will leave or they can go to his parents. I will not live in a toxic environment anymore. I am 46 years old and I deserve better. If my husband doesn't have my back I will have my own back and do what I need to do to stay sane!
I really think it's up to each person. Some people have their own children along with stepchildren so they see things different than I would having no kids of my own.
I was pretty much disengaged
I was pretty much disengaged with SS shortly after meeting him as he was just a bottom of the barrel unemployed, often homeless, druggie alcoholic young adult.
I opened the door a crack years later (SS was 30) when he settled down with a woman who had a home and job, and they had a baby. Boy what a mistake. They ransacked my home while we were on vacation.
Both are now TOTALLY DEAD to me. I honestly could step over their rotting bodies without a backward glance.
skids were out of the house
skids were out of the house and had jobs. no longer in college.
they are out of sight our of mind. dh still calls and texts them several times a day. that is annoying but still none of my business. they contact him because he is the open wallet.
occasionally i hear when they get new jobs or dating someone new or wound up in hospital. that is all i need to hear. they dont contact me and i dont contact them. if their father died tomorrow i would not tell them.
yes it's possible..... once
yes it's possible.....
once you disengage, you are no parent what so ever to skid... it's up to their bio parent to parent and teach..
not your kid and not your problem... you disengage from skids not from your partner