If you knew how you felt I'm not sure why you would want to even date someone with kids. You sound like someone who needs to date someone without children. I doubt u will change your mind after you meet the kids.

How old are you and the kids? If they are older u might not have that long to go

OP,

I have a little different perspective and experience. I respect that you know what you want and have been clear with bf.
Every parent has a blind spot where their children are concerned, they truly believe that anyone will love them (their kids) given the opportunity.
That is simply not true, there are women and men who have chosen to be childless for a number of reasons.
I chose childlessness because I didn't want the responsibility.
I did marry a man with a child and unfortunately (despite our pre marital counseling and long talks about my unwillingness to parent) I still have to be involved to a degree. Skid ruins movies, vacations and tranquility of a home, just FYI
It feels like your bf doesn't take your choices and perspective seriously.
It's your life, be happy and live it the way you want.

I am on your side .....

simply tell your boyfriend you might reconsider marriage when both his kids are out of house and out of pocket,
you might change your mind when kids are adults about attending functions or inviting them over.... the skids might be decent people one day.

But till they are in house and in pocket, you keep your own place and your own money and do not get involved in their lives, they never come to your place, you go over there, so be it if skids are there for visitation, this way they know you are in their Dad's life and you will see what sort of parent your boyfriend is. If he's a Disney Dad... run be on your own, if he's a true parent, hang in there time will fly.... but when you visit boyfriend you act like a guest, you do not cook and you do not clean.....

I understand your feelings but I am afraid that the possibility of you having a successful marriage and not even meeting his kids is a slim bet.

I thought I could handle it because my SS wouldn't be with us 24/7. Well guess what ? He lives with us full-time, and it's more difficult than I could have imagined.
I knew it was a possibility but nothing could have truly prepared me for it.

I have disengaged to an extent. I do not discipline, babysit, take him to his appointments. But I feed him every night. Sit at the dinner table talking about tween stuff. We all go to church together. We go to family functions together. There is no way I could disengage further without it being detrimental to my SS or to my relationship with my SO.

It is a tremendous sacrifice.
I have grown bio children. You don't feel the same way about stepchildren.
I also worked with kids for over a decade. I thought I was prepared.

I appreciate that you know what you want but you are only asking for heartache if you continue down this road.
You either have to decide to have at least a distant relationship with his children and see if you can live with that or move on in my opinion.

Best of luck to you.

He has 50/50 custody, you've been dating him nine months, yet never met the kids?

How could either of you even be thinking about marriage? You barely know each other.

Not to mention, they could be total brats and he could be a horrible parent, which would affect you and your relationship. Why would you not want to see what dynamic you might be getting into?

Ridiculous.

If this is your stance then do this man and his kids a favor and move on. Heck, do youself a favor and move on. And when you do .... never again date a man with children.

I actually do not agree with the package deal mentality. The relationship is between two adults. Any kids in the picture are not a party to that relationship though they certainly benefit from it and are the top responsibility for the adults in that relationship.

That said...... why would a parent remain in a relationship with someone who ignores such a significant part of the parent's life?

So why can’t he accept me for who I am in the same way that I’m expected to accept him?

In short: He is. You are not accepting that he has kids who will be included in his life. He is not accepting that you have no desire to be around children in any way. Neither of you are wholly accepting each other.

You are asking that he live double lives. One with you alone and one with his kids alone. How long will it be before you start resenting the time he spends away from you? How long before he starts resenting having to choose at holidays or showing up to family events alone? And by family events I mean parent/sibling birthdays, reunions, etc which all would have his children included and you have said you will not attend because of his kids.

It's a good thing that you know yourself well enough to be sure you don't want to be around kids at all. That's healthy to have that kind of self-knowledge. But you should also accept that you are not the kind of person who should be involved with a parent. And HE is not the kind of man who should be involved with a woman who doesn't care for kids because he cannot accept that his partner won't immediately love his kids.

The guy has been divorced six years and has his children 50% of the time. Has he had numerous GFs the last six years doing his parenting for him. Shipped them off to Gma's during his 15dys a mother? Or has he been involved and actively parenting his own children himself?

You're given nothing in this entire posting/replies to comments that suggest what makes you think you're being asked to be instant super stepmom playing happy homemaker dashing kids off here and there. You haven't even meet them in nine months. He has them 50%. Obviously someone besides you are now doing all those pesky parenting things. Is it him?

Just because the man believes you may actually like the kids if you would actually meet them, doesn't mean he has visions of you in an apron, baking cookies and helping with homework. Someone is already, and has been all along, doing those mundane 'motherly' aka parenting roles.

ETA: Or is that the real problem. Being a 50% father and actually parenting and raising his children interferes with how you'd rather he spend all that time parenting actually involves takes away his time and energy from just being your husband? Because if that's the case, this isn't the guy for you. He has an eight yr old and a thirteen year old that he actively parents 50% of the time. They'll have school activities, boring needs such as homework and disgusting times of sniffles and coughs that requires plans being cancelled. If the issue bottomlines into he will be an active busy parent and not agreeing to cut drastically cut back his custodial status to accommodate a new wife and her preferred lifestyle, then let this guy go now. He's not the one for you. No wrong of him nor wrong of you, just two people being in different places and lifestyles to be seriously successful together as a couple.

I haven't read any of the responses yet so sorry if this was pointed out already but:

"So why can’t he accept me for who I am in the same way that I’m expected to accept him?"

To be fair, you aren't accepting him as a package deal either. To be honest, I think you need a man without kids. You are nine months into a relationship and the guy wants to marry you, yet you wont even meet his kids, that just spells all kinds of wrong to me. Not that you won't meet the kids but that he wants to marry you.

Are you going to be ok with him essentially having 2 separate lives?

Piper piping in....

New member here, but veteran stepmom -- 20+ years + 8 dating prior to marriage. DH has 4 children (adults now); me no bio children. Married about the same age as you, LoveLoner, and while I was able to really get to know the SKs before marriage, I knew I was a bit of an independent soul who believed there would be enough alone time for my needs and relationship needs with DH and that the feeling of it not fitting in would get better
with time. It really doesn't.

Lots of good and realistic advice for you in prior posts and from your personal friends, but I would just like to reiterate a few things:

If he loves his children, they will always be his priority.

Even if you were able to agree have a separate life without being involved with his kids, it would not be a good situation for you ever. His children will always be his first priority and always a major part of his life. Sickness; need a ride; ball games and practices, recitals, graduations, birthdays, holidays, vacations -- you name it. Life events that children should expect to share with their bio parents will come and OFTEN. Not to mention just phone calls or spontaneous visits when they are older. Plans get changed, dinners put on hold, you standing around waiting for your turn. It is just the way it is. And your guy will talk about his children, their lives, their calls, their plans or he will repress it and that is not good either for your relationship. And the issues change as time goes on and on.

Trust the veteran voices on this site.... if you know now that you do not want to be involved with an SO's children or BM, please do not commit long term or allow cohabitation. Truly, I feel, like others, you would be much happier and they would be much happier if you find someone without children. The children should have their dad's attention, especially at such young ages and vice versa. IMO it would be a no win situation for everyone.

I feel exactly the way you do.

Your lifestyles are incompatible. Why are you both trying to force this relationship?