Step Daughters Graduation
Ok where to begin to not have a novel. Married 3 months, together 3 years. He has two daughters 22 and 25. They live in another state where he is from, Nebraska We live in California. I have done all I can and been myself to be kind and good to his kids. I have 3 kids all who care for my husband. Well the youngest daughter of my husband thinks her dad still loves the mom, because of the mom's psychotic actions.The ex is insane but that another story. Anyway, when we got engaged the one daughter just ruined it, was mad, rude and just made a happy time not. His older daughter was happy for us. My 3 kids were too. We were engaged a long time as he was in an accident. When we finally got married , the youngest stopped talking to him. It killed him. He loves his girls and I care about them because they are part of him. She came around. But she is so much like the mom. All about what he can give her. She is graduating and wants a party. Luckily my ex said he isn't footing the bill. The ex is from Nebraska too and they will have to plan it together,I am kind of shocked that he is doing this as he can't stand the ex or her family. But ok, its for the kid. Now I have expressed I'm sick of going to Nebraska and don't want to go for awhile. We just went for Thanksgiving. I love to travel and therefore too many places to go. So now my husband didn't ask me to go with him for her graduation. He said it's no big deal and he would get some time alone with his girls _which is a joke as the mom will be there and controls it all). Though I really don't want to go but there again, a big family event, where other relatives will bring significant others, but the father of the girl who is graduating wife won't be there!!! Kind of messed up. But I am the one that said "I don't want to go there again." plus his ex is a total nightmare. Part of me is whatever and I don't care, the other part wants to tell him, it's messed up for me not to be at a family event...alienating. His family loves me. Just awkward with his one kid and a little awkward with the other. Argh...don't marry a man with older daughters. Its good as he understands mine, but his have been drama from the get go. So what should I do. Say nothing and go on a trip with my friend. That is my plan or say how I kind of feel but then again why bother if I don't want to go. I know him ...he will be there and wish that I was with him. Then of course there are the photos...as long as he just sends one's with his kids...not with ex...thoughts.
StepAside's advise is great
StepAside's advise is great advise. What she has written, I could have written exactly too. If you are dealing with more than one, they feed off each other and you never know where they are coming from or why with all this jealousy mess; so why step into it? It hits you out of no where and it is like playing poker at every event you attend with them. Even worse, mine have taken to being nice in front of him to me and then "trying" to get me alone to insult me, without him hearing.
Now, I do no excuse my husband at all, he is a doormat in every sense of the word. But, I do have to accept he will never change and I am no longer going to be abused by these B's. He will not stop it because he is a buddy not a dadeeee, much less a father. But, he pays the price for al that too, not me, so it is none of my business. They, thank God, are not my kids! The thought of these kids being mine, embarrasses me to no end. Entitlement and enmeshment creates dysfunctional adults in all phases of life, not just with step mothers, either.
It is really early in your marriage to see this dynamic; mine did not start acting like this until over a year after we were married and bought a home together. So, it is clear it is 101 jealousy. Do yourself a favor and do not abuse yourself by going. 80% of the SD's do not like their SM's, my hat's off to the 20% who do--but I do not personally know any, do you?
Protect your OWN mental/emotional health, do not count on your husband to do it. With that in mind, you will know what to do for each occassion.
Attending the graduation
Attending the graduation itself is no big deal, even if your DH goes to that alone it shouldn't be an issue. It's so public that it's actually impersonal. The party that BM is arranging is where I'd be concerned.
How about this:
Why doesn't your DH arrange for a separate SD graduation celebration for just HIS family and the two of you? For example, make reservations at a nice restaurant a day or two after the graduation itself. You said DH's family likes you so that's good. Plus, if you SD is surrounded by your DH and his family (including you) then it would be harder for her to act up. If she can't attend a two hour dinner with her dad's family and be civil, then the shame is on her.
Let the BM make all the party plans she wants - she can have her friends/family at that and you and DH don't have to attend.
This could be a win-win for both you and DH. He gets to participate in the graduation and celebrate it, with you by his side.
BTW, the reason I mention
BTW, the reason I mention this is that this is what my SO did with his kids. We went out for lunch/dinner with the kids separately and let BM do whatever kind of party she wanted.
We all went to the graduation ceremonies, and everyone acted civil.
Now we have SD wedding coming up, but that's going to be a whole 'nuther dramatic dynamic and more complicated.