I believe he probably had cheated before. It came so easily to him and he was so eager. This was not his first rodeo imho.

I did think about the wife. I felt sorry for her. But I thought more about my teen friend, honestly. Did I want the big scandal centered on moi that blew up her world to be part of her adolescent memories? I did not. I figured keeping her world in tact was probably a higher value than inserting myself into the grown woman's marriage.

I had extracted myself from that woman's marriage as soon as I realized I had stumbled into it. I figured, in the moment, that was probably the best I could do. There is no guarantee she would not have become my most virulent attacker if I had spoken up.

But I just don't know. I can't even remember this guy's name anymore but I suppose all those emails might be buried somewhere still in an old email account if I chose to dig it up. I remember the incident now and again and wonder. It's interesting to hear other people's take on it. Figuring out the best moral choice is a lifelong process -- what the philosophers make entire careers of.

It was not a misunderstand to begin with. He was flirting with me for about 48 hours solid with dozens and dozens of messages being exchanged in rapid succession. There was no mistaking what was up.

If you mean the holding up the phone number thing -- that's still on him. He does not have to react with constant attention every time a strange woman makes a pass at him.

As for your other question -- The girl in the back seat I recognized was the daughter of my best friend and her husband. They are very active in a neighborhood association and in the special high school she goes to which was just around the corner. So I instantly knew it was a dad picking up the group of friends from school, including the one kid I knew quite well. I assumed his own daughter was in the car, one of the other girls. Which he later confirmed.

So, no, it was not my friend's husband. Far from it. A strange man who I could instantly tell was actually in my real social circle.

So I knew if I told it would be a giant mess in their school community, their neighborhood, their whole world. My dear friends would not be able to escape it.

Yes, I did picture getting attacked by everyone in creation and did not relish the thought. I knew I could print out all the messages and let people decide for themselves what he was up to and I would be vindicated -- buuuuuuuttttt, now why would I be putting myself in that position again? And them?

Oh, as to your question about the girls noticing him hold up his number--

No! They were sooooo being teens. Super silly and not the slightest bit interested in what a boring old man was doing! They never noticed a single damn thing. Just so busy interacting with each other.

That vision of them being oblivious little girls helped me decide to leave them in their pristine world, actually.

That's a good point. I did NOT keep the secret for his sake. He just forced me to confront what the priorities were in short order.

I could care less about him. I did it for my teen friend, his teen daughter, my friend and her dh, and for myself. Pretty much in that order. He did not figure anywhere in my priorities. He just forced me to think it through quickly.

You're right. Some woman who goes much further than emails with him will probably go off-script at some point (his pre-fab affair script) and then there will be a reckoning.

Thanks.

That's a very interesting approach. It might have been a better thing. Perhaps.

Its biggest drawback is that I didn't think of it all these years let alone in the moment.

Nevertheless, I still think of the consequences to the girls. It was a demanding high school and the one having her parents break up or go through a lot of strife very well might have damaged her ability to perform academically and thus have affected her entire college career and then life. Would that really have been a proper price to pay?

Interested to hear. I do agree you've come up with a way of handling it that is pretty unassailable. But I can't stop myself from thinking about the consequences.

Thanks. It did seem like taking the situation further would make more of it than was justified for what happened. At least, that's the decision I made in the moment.

Ack! Even when I do search text that "edit" does not show up. Only the ones at the bottom of comments and then when you wrote it above. So maybe that's my problem -- my screen is outdated or something, I actually do NOT have the edit function for a Topic Post.

Aaaack!!! I will have to live with those typos for eterniteeeeeeee!!!!

I think that will bother me more than Train Guy Romeo ever did!

In the case of the campfire seducer, I would have done exactly the same. No question. The instinct to protect a teen girl from the bad behavior of a grown man is very strong.

But in my case protecting the teen girls seemed to require a different action. As moe has pointed out, I may have been wrong about that.

As to your first paragragh, it makes me think of posing another question. Does some guy's irritating behavior toward me obligate me to drop my own life and pursue "saving" a third party I know nothing about? I mean, to what extent should I let his behavior cause my behavior?

Cheating does mean different things to different people. Where does one draw the line on when some kind of "punitive" action is required?

If I had, in fact, gone on dates and got affectionate with this guy before I learned of his marital status I would have blown the whistle. I would have had to. No question.

But in this instance, for the reasons stated, I didn't and part of that was nothing had actually happened. There would be a huge amount of consequences to ME and to OTHERS for rather minimal interaction.

So that line can fade in and out of focus depending on who is having to make the call, I would say.

Hahaha! Good point!

I know!!!! I have a close friend who is usually quite moral but she always tells me "it's not possible to 'steal' somebody's husband."

I always go out of my mind when I hear that. Yes, the husband is responsible for himself. No, all men do not succumb because "men are weak" or "boys will be boys."

BUT! There are predatory women and, by definition, they are great manipulators and liars. They are heinous. Anybody is capable of being manipulated. No one is immune.

And, of course, it all goes the same in reverse. Predatory men can cause havoc, too, for somebody's husband. That does not excuse the straying spouse. It just places the fair share of blame on the homewrecker!

And thank you. It was never a question in my mind. I gave him about 10 seconds to explain himself, he began with the exact wrong thing, I just cut him off. Not interested in the rest of the blather.