Stepdaugher does not acknowledge me

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So we have been married for 11 years now and we each have a grown daughter from a prior marriage.
His daughter is married and now has a little girl.
Every week she texts him to see if he is free to hang out. Never a mention of me. So off he goes every week to meet for lunch or whatever. No invitation to me at any time.

Now comes the holidays and she asks "what we are doing? Are we having anyone over?"

I feel so angry. I am expected to cook a big holiday meal for her and her husband and my granddaughter when she does not acknowledge me at all during the year! Occasionally my husband will ask, did you mean just me when you asked if I wanted to hang out this week on our day off. She says, oh "stepmom can come along if she wants to." But never asks about me.

About 5 years ago, I had the onset of Rheumatoid Arthritis with a terrible flare. I can no longer walk very far. She asked my husband, when they were getting out of the car on the same side, why the handicapped tag and he replied. "Oh step mom is sick." I heard this conversation and it was never brought up again, end of story. Never a mention of it again. Not ever in all this time.

I feel angry and resentful and at this point don't know what to do! I would like to see our granddaughter, but when she came over for Christmas, she only addressed the little girl and my husband and would not converse with me. It was so awkward.

I feel like my husband aids and abets this situation.

When she texts and asks him to hang out, shouldn't he say no or include me (if I am not working)? Why do I have to host a holiday party for someone who doesn't speak to me? It's so dysfunctional and I don't know where to turn.

Suggestions?

Have you guys gotten along in

Have you guys gotten along in the past? Has she always treated you this way? Basically ignoring you and choosing to not have a relationship with you.

She has always been distant.

She has always been distant. I would come home from work and she and my husband would be like, do you want to go for a walk with us? Would you like to play a game of cards with us? Like they were an item and I was the outsider. I pretty much was.

Then she moved away to college and they would get together without me.

But it's gotten much worse.

She has always been distant.

Then she moved away to college and they would get together without me.

But it's gotten much worse.

For starters, I would not be

For starters, I would not be hosting her for any holiday again. Why don't you just start going with DH on outings with her once in awhile? You might either develop a relationship or DH will stop going. Either way, a win.

I am expected to host holiday

I am expected to host holiday dinners, we are the only grandparents around. But our daughters are in their 30's and they could host a dinner too! I did, my parents loved not cooking. And believe me I have told my husband that it hurts my feelings when I am left out.
I have a daughter too, about 6 months younger and we hang out all the time! I ask my husband, do you want to come along? Would you rather be home? Would you rather we do something alone together? I ask before I tell my daughter anything.

I expect DH and SD to have a relationship and to visit each other any time they choose. I don't have to be along for everything, that's not normal. But it would be nice to be asked just once to go along for dinner. I have said, hey, I can meet you guys for lunch! And I get, well, SD and I want to visit.

And this past Christmas was so awkward that he came over to apologize to me for her behavior. He noticed it too.

Your SD is a rude person. My

Your SD is a rude person. My grown SD hates me and she has even put it in writing, that she has hated me for years.

My grown skids have always treated me like you are being treated.

I don't do holiday dinners or entertain any of them any more, after 30+ years of letting myself be disrespected. I was also afraid to rock the boat and say "no".

Well guess what? I say "No" and let DH figure out how to deal with it all. I make no plans, don't entertain, don't do dinners, don't buy gifts, nor am I phony about it. I just say "No" and let it go.

Seven (7) years and I haven't had to be their pissing post. DH sulks, pouts, etc. when it comes holidays, birthdays, camp-outs, BBQ's, whatever; but he gets over it. He is welcome to go anywhere, anytime, and as long as he wishes, with his kids and their families; just don't expect me to be their short order cook, chef, and entertain them. Not happening.

I suggest you learn to say "no" and go anywhere you wish with your DH.

Occasionally I can go along

Occasionally I can go along with them but I have a full time job and their outings are during the week when they are both free.

At this point I feel like if she does not initiate one conversation or comes over to the house and doesn't speak to me or make eye contact, no more holiday dinners. I am angry to the point of hardly being able to look at her. " I asked " how have you been.?" Busy. Boom done. and then she talked to her 2 year old until Dad came back into the room.

I know SD does not want me

I know SD does not want me around. And when I have gone on outings in past years, she does ignore me and mutters under her breath when I speak to her. It's so odd.

And you are right, the BIG PROBLEM is that when we moved into together after our wedding, he said nothing to her about behavior. He travels and we live in the midwest and his job was in the DC area. So I was always home alone with her and her boyfriends.

I made it clear that when I came home from work, I didn't want to entertain and cook for her and her boyfriends and she got angry and called her mom because I was so mean. I knew we had to address our situation right off, but DH just stood there and had nothing to say! He was never around, always on the road, so it was my problem. Eventually she moved out and went to school, but they "never fight." We always got along so well, he would tell me. Better than me and my first wife.

My DH never saw that the

My DH never saw that the invitations were for him alone and always assumed that they were for both of us. He said that we go together when it's my children so why wouldn't we go together when its his.

He never saw until the first grand was born. The you are not my child's grandmother finally opened his eyes somewhat. And then there was an incident that cemented it and now he finally realizes what is going on.

I don't have to worry about them coming for holidays. They only spend holidays with family. They won't come here because I am here and my adult children come.
Invitations to their home ceased some time ago when they realized that husband would not go without me.

They never ask about me either, but then SD never asks her dad, DH, how he is. SD and stepgrands were here last week to pick up their presents. DH mentioned a non routine medical test he is going to have this week. SD never said a word. I don't expect SD to call and ask about the test after it is done. She never has in the past.

DH is the only parent she has left. And yet, she seems to think he will live forever and always be available on her terms.

I did try when we were first married to have a relationship. However, when only one side is trying, a relationship does not exist. I finally gave up and came to terms with that SD does not want a relationship with me (and only a tiny one with her father).

Boy does this sound familiar.

Boy does this sound familiar. SD doesn't even ask her Dad how he is most of the time. Just wants a free meal when they "hang out." Very self-centered. But we hear all about her, her job, her husband, his job, how brilliant the Granddaughter is, and not once ask about us. This was really evident this past holiday when they came over around 8 to pick up presents. They were invited for dinner around 3 but declined, because they all wanted to nap. And then around 9 wanted to know if there was anything to eat, when everyone else was headed out the door and we were ready for bed.

DH is finally acknowledging SD's behavior, but he contributed to it for years.

You are all wonderful for

You are all wonderful for your comments. It validates my feelings.

I have to have a talk with my husband, ahead of time before her next invite for an outing, and see if he can handle it differently. He is sooooo non-confrontational though, I am not sure what he will say. Often in the past when he had to deliver news that was unpopular with her, he prefaced it with, SM is sick. So she can't let you have friends over for the weekend I am gone, for example. (She was 20 at the time and living with us). I was not SICK! So I would have to say, I want a peaceful weekend, no friends, I need downtime. And I was the bad guy. That lasted about 3 months before I insisted she live on campus and not with us any longer. She needed her own life and so did I! But I am expecting that I will be SICK again, and therefore unhappy about something. I wish he would take charge of putting us first.

I saw all this coming, but I always thought it would get better. Actually has been worse.With the advent of a granddaughter, it is apparent that I am not his child's grandmother in his daughter's eyes.

Too bad, don't want the little one to suffer because the grown-ups are dysfunctional.

Just put her on ignore. For

Just put her on ignore. For some reason she just doesn't like you. Remove her from your life as much as possible. Be civil if you must see her - but don't make any plans to see her.

If they get together while you are at work - so be it. I have almost nothing to do with SS30. DH goes to see him without me. It's okay.

I like this and think that

I like this and think that this is the answer. If I let it get to me I will be miserable.
But no more plans and no more cooking like a beast anymore either.

I am done. I don't want to put myself in the position of having her be able to treat me like a free dinner.

I remember all that old transactional analysis stuff, "I'm okay, your okay"
One thing that sticks with me from that school of thought is the triangle we become involved in: Persecutor-Rescuer-Victim. Once you get involved in the game...you all take a turn with these roles. I feel victimized now, DH can't rescue, if I complain I become the Persecutor to SD and so on.

Only way to win is to just step out and ignore it all.

So be it. Life is too short to be miserable.

Holiday dinners at our house

Holiday dinners at our house make my husband so happy, but he has no idea of what I go through and I think he feels like if he doesn't bring anything uncomfortable up, it's not really there. And pretends like we are all happy and in lala land. It is not so and I am so sick of the crapola.

But, as you say, I don't expect it all to change. I have to change the way I think about it. Perhaps just ignore her and move on with my own life. And you are so right, she doesn't live with us! Could be so much worse.

I know it's hard to think of

I know it's hard to think of it this way, but try to not take things personally that probably aren't really meant to be personal. It sounds like she is a bit clueless and probably doesn't feel close to you, so naturally, she just does most of her direct interaction with dad. It doesn't sound like she has animosity towards you, just maybe indifference. I would be cordial and nice.. like you would if a coworker or boss attended a function. You can still be nice to people you don't care for or love. If you would prefer to not host and go do things with your kids instead.. I would go that direction.

I think there are some SM's

I think there are some SM's who would be just fine with this situation. They don't have to be bothered hanging out with someone they don't much care for. lol.

Again, I am sure her treatment has been hurtful, but I also think you may be a little oversensitive to the issue. For example, you come home and the daughter and husband are already home and they ask you to join them in an activity that they were probably already talking about like a walk or game of cards. Those are pretty small things that probably weren't designed as a means of showing you that you were an outsider. You were just the last one to show up home.

At this point, I would move forward with a cordial attitude.. much like you might have for a stranger... which she pretty much is. It doesn't sound like she is actively scheming against you. In fact when your DH asks if you can come, she has no problem with it. What she doesn't have with you is a close relationship. With no real insight on the history it's hard to know if that could have been different. But, you will be happier if you just accept the status quo and move on. Let DH visit with her and as far as holiday stuff goes, if you are doing big holiday dinners for your side, she can be invited, but if it is just for her benefit, let DH handle it.

Good point about the DH and

Good point about the DH and SD already being home and asking me to join them, except that it was Christmas and I got off work early to come home and do a family activity.

They both ignored me from the minute I got in the door. When they were finished with their game they put on their coats and hats and headed toward the front door and asked if I was coming along for a walk? I was like, oh, I thought we might all talk about what we might want to do. They just left and said, no we want to go for a walk.

I went and got my nails done and thought, why did I come home early.

I confronted him about this that evening and he was shocked that I thought there was anything wrong.

This event was an indicator of things to come....

I didn't have arthritis at

I didn't have arthritis at the time the walk event occurred

I didn't have arthritis at

I didn't have arthritis at the time the walk event occurred

I didn't have arthritis at

I didn't have arthritis at the time the walk event occurred

I think Heavenlike's comment

I think Heavenlike's comment about him not being a mind reader is pretty accurate.

You say you were coming home to spend family time but there were no plans for any specific activity. Had you spent "family time" in some other specific way in the past that they should have been aware of? So, they were engrossed in playing a card game when you came home. Then when the game was over, they invited you to go on a walk, but because you didn't feel you were included in the decision, you didn't want to do what they wanted to do. Did you try to suggest another activity as an alternate?

TBH, I think the dynamic is that you have a dialog or scenario in your head of how things should be, or how she/he should react, respond. When you don't get the response you expect, you get upset. It's like playing a game with someone and they haven't provided you with a copy of the rules. I'm sure it's frustrating for her and your DH because they probably don't know what they have done to offend you at times.. so they deal with it by her just minimizing contact and interraction and him being a non-confrontational person.

It sounds like when she DOES speak with you it is with no animosity, so it doesn't seem like she is being anything other than distant.. or perhaps disengaged.

I am reading into this that you married her father when she was already out of the home. I just don't think she has any connection to you other than the fact that you are her father's wife. I think your expectations that she will consider you automatically "close family" may not be possible with her.

I would not knock myself out for his family, but I would certainly entertain them as part of larger family celebrations. Maybe if you disengage from your expectations of her and whether she includes you in her life you can manage to be happier with it all.

HERE is what you do honey.

TELL DH "Next Christmas we can have everyone here BUT it will be catered on Christmas Day with cold cuts and a dessert tray. Your kids can bring a warm dish IF they want to. I am pretty sure you will have to do a pick UP Christmas Eve Day but I will order everything for you AND a housekeeper will come in several weeks prior to prepare the home top to bottom.

STOP preparing a FULL Christmas Day Dinner starting next Christmas. Let them know in October 1.

The preparation is not only about the menu, buying and cooking it is about the cleaning, decorating, polishing silverware making sure the China is in tip shop shape. Then, the clean UP process. By 7pm your exhausted and cant remember much of the day because no one helps, not really and your left running around starting at 6am.

I personally have no problem cooking and having Thanksgiving at our house. It is a lot of work and it starts in advance. But I really DO like it.I DO NOT hold Christmas Day meals anymore for everyone and guess what We have minor bios together AND we are Grandparents (shhhhh) it is done a week prior for over the top festive Horderves ', Beautiful lights, Christmas Music and everyone dresses UP for the occasion. Egg Nog, cocktails and punch for the kids. We found it much more festive this way as everyone is so excited for the week before Christmas.
Our family gathering is lovely and ends early because of the GrandChild.

We DO go out Christmas Day to eat.

You should try it. It is better than sliced bread.

Family Gathering 1 week prior and awwwww relaxing fun no stress Christmas Day. Buried in wrapping paper on the floor for 1 hour or so, no rush to clean anything UP.....PRICELESS

***AWFUL your husband doesnt put his foot down about his daughter being so rude to you*** (HUGS)

You are right about the work

You are right about the work involved. I am up at five and actually start the day before. Between getting out China and decorating and cleaning the house and cooking and baking I am barely ambulatory by the time everyone arrives. And SD arrives with her useless has been in his pajamas, for dinner
I really like the idea of catering cold cuts and having them bring hot dishes.

You are right about the work

Mine turns into a complete

Mine turns into a complete doormat dadeee whenever they are around; making it impossible for me to ever be around them again. Oh, a man I never saw until over a year after we were married!

If this is your man too, you have no choice but to disengage; doormat daddees are too weak to correct their highly selfish children they have raised, as a result.

He will never talk to her

He will never talk to her about her behavior, it's not in his nature. Doormat daddy is a perfect description

Your SD is in her 30s now,

Your SD is in her 30s now, have you tried to talk to her? Have you told her you would like a relationship with her and her child?

All of your points are valid.

All of your points are valid. And I totally agree. however they both knew I was coming home from work on Christmas Eve to spend family time. This was not a surprise to them

Your SD's response to you, is

Your SD's response to you, is very familiar to me as this is a lot like my SIL has treated me

I can't count the times that DH & I would be going to one of DH's family events, and when we walked through the door and there was SIL I would cheerfully say "Hi SIL, how are you?" and be greeted with silence

Having never treated anyone like that in my life I would mistake her silence for having not heard me, or figured maybe I had disturbed her when she was in the middle of something, never did I think she was simply just refusing to acknowledge me

I was so naive about all this that even after her initial rude response, the moment she did look up or over or whatever and I knew she was aware of my presence, I would again happily say "hello, how's it going?" and then I might get the same response as your SD gives you "busy" and then on she would go to talking to DH about 'their family' stuff, without so much as glancing in my direction

I was so young and naive then, sort of shy, a people pleaser who so much wanted to get along with my DH's family. It didn't register with me that she was just rude and angry and couldn't stand me

So I repeatedly tried. I made huge efforts to connect, on some level with her. I constantly extended the olive branch, sometimes really falling waaaaay over backwards, just to gain her 'approval' really thinking one day I just might win her over

I literally spent years trying with this woman, until one day I realized she was just plain and simply jealous and resentful of me. Very competitive. She would never ever accept me because I was her competition, we were at war whether I realized it or not

This may well be the case with your SD, but maybe not. The initial effort you put in to it may be worth it and here is why;

I do not regret all the effort I put into my attempts to have a relationship with my SIL. I literally exhausted that effort. So, when the time came when even silly little naive me realized it was futile, I knew when I walked away (which I finally have done quite happily thank you) I felt no guilt, or any second thoughts that I had misunderstood her, or that I hadn't given it a truly magnificent try.

So, I don't know how much time or energy you've invested in first trying to connect with your SD, but perhaps try to make that effort first. Make a huge effort that both your husband and SD can see you tried really hard, and wanted it all to work.

And if she continues, then you have your answer, and walk away. You don't have to be anything more than pleasant and polite when you walk away too. Just begin to think of her as a coworker you need to work with. So be 'professional' polite and upbeat, but don't bother to treat her like your family or someone near and dear to your heart

I don't know if you've first made this effort but if you have and she continues to be this way, you will have no guilt. If you haven't first tried to bond, then here's hoping it improves your relationship with her. But either way, at least you know you gave it your best shot and no one can ask any more of you

I actually feel as though I

I actually feel as though I had been bending over backwards for the last 12 years and I am pretty much fed up. I've actually got to the point where I care very little anymore and just want to carry on with my life. She shows up in our home fine if she doesn't fine we really have no relationship. And I do believe that before her dad married me he was very close to her. He and his wife had a falling out and he bonded with his daughter. When he met me All hell broke loose and I was the competition, I think you are spot on. But she is married and has a daughter of her own now for goodness sake, if she can't be civilized and then I am going to ignore. her.
last Christmas she made a remark about my cooking and how she wished she knew how to cook like I did. I said hey come on over next year be here by six and will do it all together! She put her face in her plate and went nope, no thank you.
In other words, she was just there to eat, open presents and leave
And my husband listens to this and doesn't say anything.

I second what everyone says

I second what everyone says about you not having to.

I used to cook and clean for holidays/parties that I never grew up celebrating but because DH wanted his family/friends over, I'd do it.

Those days are in the past. Any time he wants something at our house (why wouldn't he, everything is clean and delicious and he gets to play the gracious host while his wife slaves away in the kitchen), I just tell him he can do the cooking and the cleaning and I'LL enjoy the fruits of his labor. So now it's few and far in between.

I think that this learned

I think that this learned behavior that SD has, is going to be around a while. A long while. And Dad is totally ball-less and hopes that it will go away or smooth over so that he doesn't have to confront her. And he makes excuses constantly and coaches her on the side.

The day after Christmas she sent him pictures of our granddaughter and her opening presents and playing with the toys. So he shows me and says, "Look, they love their gifts! These pictures are her way of telling you how she likes you! Did she hug you and thank you? I asked her if she did before she left the house and she said she did. Did she do that?" Well, no she didn't. She just put on her coat and left.

I am done, over it. Next Christmas I will pick up a party platter and let them help themselves. Or I will go up north and spend time with my Dad in the nursing home, rather be there for last few precious visits anyway.

And he handed her all the gifts that I picked out and purchased and said "This is from Grandpa and this one and this one." I asked him why he did that and he said I didn't think it was any big deal. So pissed. So done with it all, so over trying anything. And I have lost respect for my husband, so sad to say.

Wish I had seen this coming.

In that case, sounds like

In that case, sounds like disengaging is the right thing to do.

Sounds like you have made some effort, did try to extend the olive branch, and your SD is not even hiding how rude she is to you

So, stop doing all the things you do. Don't cook for her, or host anything. Allow her to have what she is making clear to you she wants - you out of her life

You can still be pleasant and mature on the occasions that you have to be around her, never give anyone anything to blame you for, but don't waste any more time or effort on her any longer!

Thanks granny goose! :) I

Thanks granny goose!

I think every single time I have to be around my SIL now, when she is at her best most rude self, I'll think of the image your backhanding her off her chair gave me, and will have to work not to burst out laughing!

Love it!!

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Stepdaugher does not acknowledge me