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SS24 Calls My DH after Estrangement of 3 years.

jam's picture

My dh has been beating himself and trying to figure out what he may of done to cause the estrangement.

A little background. I have been married for 12 years. My dh & I lived in his marital home and I was treated as a total outsider by his 3 kids. Looking back I can see that any complaint that I had was greeted by my dh with 1) excuses, 2) defending, or 3) throwing me under the bus.

At one time all three of his kids were estranged from us.

*The osd did not talk to us for 1 1/2 years.

*The msd invited me to her baby shower (which was held at her bm's & I did not want to go but dh was concerned msd would feel offended if I did not go). I made her a beautify Diaper Tricycle, went & thought everything was okay. That was 8 years ago and we have not seen or heard from her since.

*The ss went over a year without seeing/talking to us. Then back in our lives. Then we purchased a new home. SS decided he wanted to visit his dad & see our home & introduce us to his girlfriend (girlfriend of over a year & we had not met). My dh was on the phone with my ss & asks me if the next day would be a good day to have ss & his gf over. I advised him we are having friends over for dinner. SS then pushes for that day and tells my dh that, that day is the ONLY day he has available. So my dinner party with friends has become friends, ss, & his gf. They come over, everything seemed okay, then nothing for 3 years.

That brings us current.
So I am out of town & call my dh who advises me that ss had called. The following day my dh & ss spend the day together. After I get home my dh shares a conversation with me. Dh told ss that he was confused about why ss had not spoken to him in 3 years. Went on to say that he thought that maybe he had offended him by not going on & giving more compliments about their new car. My ss replied "Oh dad you didn't offend us but JAM offended gf". SS had told dh that when my friends wanted a tour of our new home that I did not include his gf, which was a total lie as I asked her to join us and she did. Since then ss had married said gf and then divorced her.

So now my dh just wants to act like nothing has happened. Invites ss & his new gf to Thanksgiving. I object (had a big fight) but was overruled. I simply wanted my dh to work on HIS relationship with HIS son before bring me into the picture. My dh assures me that he knows I am concerned that I will be thrown under the bus but that he will stand up for me. I then tell my dh that I wanted to have a big pink elephant balloon in the living room and when anyone asked about it, just simply say "ignore it". DH did not like that idea so no visible elephant allowed in the room either Wink Thanksgiving seemed to go okay although when introduced to the new gf I got the look. You know the one I am talking about. The look of "Oh, so your the witch I have been told about". SS new gf has a short & cute name & they brought their puppy with them. Unfortunately I mistakenly called the puppy by the gf's name a couple times.

Anyway, I just wanted to share an update. Thanks for listening.

Acratopotes's picture

jam how could you call the puppy the GF's name hiehiehiehiehiehie does she looks like a god? Just joking

I would no have kept quiet, I would've put SS on the spot and say, I'm so glad you broke up with that girl cause she simply lied to you, she did walk with us through the house, why did she tell you I excluded her... then check him squirm.... and maybe just maybe this new girl is a clever cookie and change her attitude towards you

astheworldturns's picture

My family has a vacation home, we invited skids down once and SS asked if he could bring his four dogs with him. My father hates dogs and he is the one who owns the home. DH and I don't even bring our own dog when we vacation there for that reason. Thank god DH told SS no & SS has never asked to come again. About a year later we were at a family function and SS asked us to haul his four dogs home with us in our car because the dogs were misbehaving and he wasn't ready to go home and we were. I gave a big hell no to that, I don't want four dogs climbing all over me and my leather seats. SS threw quite the hissy fit while DH tried to avoid the situation at all costs, I know all about being thrown under the bus lol! I too think it is very rude to assume that other people enjoy your dog as much as you do! They are much like kids, the only ones you want to spend time around are your own lol!

ldvilen's picture

Be careful, that is all I can say. Stepkids have drank the Koolaid that SM is the problem long ago. This is not going to change overnight. I mean, really, they avoid their father for three years because you didn’t show someone around your house!? How ridiculous. Even if that were true, big deal.

There is much more going on here than meets the eye. I’m already concerned that your DH seems wholeheartedly to buy that you are the reason his kids avoided him for three years. And, he is stating he is going to protect you somehow? I’m not so sure. And, new GF is already giving you the, “I’m superior to you eye.” Yep, everyone always knows more than SM—even the new GF. This family seems ripe with SM stereotypes.

On the other hand, dad and his children do deserve to have a relationship. Just be careful and look out for yourself. So far, it looks like your DH is getting everything he wants. What are you getting out of this? Whatever you do, don’t let any of them blame you for problems that are with them, DH, and BM. SMs are often considered expendable, sometimes even by their own DH, and made out to be the scapegoat for all of the family’s ills.

Rags's picture

I flip names occassionally. My late college years BFF goes by Berk and his wife is Joy. I occassionally call them Jerk and Boy. Not on purpose but... as they say... shit happens.

If SS is so shallow as to not see the humour and innocense of the sitaution then he is a write off IMHO. DH may pine after his idiot manipulative first marriage brood but their behavior buys them a write off IMHO.

Good luck.

Thumper's picture

Uhhhh, really?

Why 'parents' allow this high drama bs in their lives nearing the WINTER of their lives is something I can not wrap my head around.

The absentee son or daughter who pulls this stuff would NOT be welcomed by myself or my husband period.

Get it together, treat your parents kindly and thoughtfully. Otherwise take a hike.

And that is exactly how my dh and I feel at this stage of our lives. Game over.

Thumper's picture

Jam the reason WHY your husband is banging his head against the wall trying to 'figure out' what caused the estrangement with his son

IS

Because, there is NO reason

That is why he can not figure it out.

sandye21's picture

"But I remember one year one of the Insincere Friends coming into the kitchen saying "Wow you are really nice..." That same thing happened to me - exact wording too. Then the friend said SD said some really mean things about me. The topper was when SD and her friend accompanied us on a vacation. It got really nasty. And, just like you, I went on hoping if I was nice to SD and her friends SD would eventually change her mind about me. Ya, it's enough to make my tummy turn over when I think back on it.

It's kind of strange I didn't realize quite how emotionally stunted and mean SD as until I had been away from her for a while. Even today, after 6 years of being away from her, I keep breathing a sigh of relief. But actually, I think SD did me a favor because I learned to expect mutual respect from everyone.

thinkthrice's picture

The PAS job on my three skids (I've been with their dad for 12 years now as well--longer than the time he was with the golden uterus, Girhippo) was scorched earth. So much so that after the six years of hell I endured when they were coming over and acting as secret agents for the mother and grandmothership, they finally PASed out for good. But not before all the damage was done: phoney CPS report and allegations of abuse, having to get Chef (biodad) off of the NYS Child Abuse and Maltreatment Registry, shitting all over my house (literally), and me being a pariah in my own home.

Personally if they EVER darken my doorstep again it will be TOO SOON!!

As always Jam, the problem is your guilty/Disney daddy DH. It took a loooooonnnnnnnng time after the estrangement for my DH to finally say "Screw 'Em!"

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Hi there, Jam.

From what you've shared, your DH's relationships with his bios have always been problematic. They were PASd by the BM, weren't they? All three of his kids treat him poorly and passive aggressively, but I think they find it easier to be overtly rude to you than their dad. They blame you for imagined wrongs in order to feel justified in ignoring their father.

The excuse your SS gave his dad about you hurting his gf's feelings was flimsy and contrived. Realistically, you could be a screaming fishwife and father and son could still maintain a relationship IF they wanted to. But the truth is your DH is weak, and has a long, dysfunctional history with his kids that has nothing to do with you. They are locked in a dynamic of pretense, and those adult brats seethe with resentment.

Since you seem to offend your skids so much, why not just take yourself completely out of the equation? Tell your DH that you are sorry, but despite your best efforts his kids don't like you. And since you want him to be able to enjoy his kids, encourage him to see them without you. They've identified YOU as the big problem, right? (How laughable)

I wouldn't waste any more time on these people and their unfortunate post-divorce circle jerk. It really has NOTHING to do with you.

thinkthrice's picture

"I wouldn't waste any more time on these people and their unfortunate post-divorce circle jerk. It really has NOTHING to do with you."

Well stated!!

jam's picture

Hi Julie,

Yes all 3 kids have been PASd by BM and my dh is weak. I would love to take myself out of the skid equation. Trying to figure how to do just that and maybe I already know how but I also know & am avoiding major fights with dh as he strongly feels I should just be kind and polite. I think he is waiting for the "Hallelujah I've been cured!" moment while we live in the skid reality of hallucinations of kindness. I recognize the hallucinations while he see's the kindness. What is it with these dad's that BELIEVE empty words over rude actions?

sandye21's picture

"When our own son said something snarky to him this year, I climbed his frame." "However, when Dh's own family treats him like garbage, DH specifically doesn't think I should have an opinion."

THIS is what drives us crazy - the old double standard. Our DH's sit back and watch (but don't react) to the skids treating us - and DH - like dog doo for years, but God forbid if we don't bend over backwards, projecting fake 'warm-fuzzies' to make their little darlings feel 'comfortable'. I am SOOO glad I no longer play that game, although I DO question my social intelligence that I would suck it up for so many years. The longer you are away from it the more you see how utterly insane it was. The day DH finally realized I wasn't interested in hearing anything about self-centered SD - and I meant it - the healing began. It has been 6 years now, you couldn't get me to go back to good 'ol days ever. If SD is still treating DH like dog doo, I have no idea - he'll have to handle it on his own.

still learning's picture

It's liberating just to step out of their "circle jerk" as you say. DH and his sons had issues long before I met them. He told me that he INTENTIONALLY would take long trips (business or leisure), just to get away from his wife and children. He did this for 10 years while he and spouse 1 were going through issues. Then during good times they would both take off and leave the kids for extended periods. He did a lot of great things and always provided but was intentionally absent much of the time.

He never wanted kids, it was BM who wanted a large family. They had 2 and DH promptly got fixed.

ss31's gf would be give me nasty looks, ignore me when they came over. I knew what was going on, and I also saw how crappy ss treated her. He would yell at her and expect her to pay for everything. Shockingly they broke up! ss has issues w/DH, their mother, the world, and me (just because I'm an easy target).

So when skids are distant, not my issue. When skids come over and scream at DH, that's between them. When DH & skids try to bring me into their family sh*t storm, I don't think so. I've stepped off the crazy train!

Miss T's picture

So true! Not long ago, DH and I were talking about something or other, and it led to his saying, " ... you don't like my son ... " It wasn't said in a terribly accusatory tone, but just as a statement of fact in part of a conversation. My ears really perked up, listening for the second half of that statement: " ... and he doesn't like you ... " But alas. As of now, the onus remains on me.

Maybe we'll get there one day. Meantime I entertain fantasies of sitting down with DH, SS, ex, and hearing SS say to ex, "I respect my Dad's relationship with her. I like her because she's made him happy." Of course, that will never happen. SS would not subject his mother to such a horror.

ETA: Sorry for placement, was meant as a reply to sandye.

still learning's picture

I've hear the "you don't like ss31" speil too. It always happened after one of their visits when ss would try to extort something out of DH. DH must now pay up because he married an evil woman who does not adore his pothead mommas boy basement dwelling son.

I tried but nothing worked, I'm completely done with ss31. I don't like ss31, in fact not too many people do. I don't think DH really likes ss31 either. For Thanksgiving this year DH didnt even invite ss31. Funny thing is that no one asked about him, where he was, how he is. For once we had a peaceful family gathering on DH's side because he didn't invite ss31, and I didn't ask why, no one did. We haven't spoken his name for about 6 mos. About 2 months ago DH mentioned that ss31 was acting like a teenager and I said, "Hmmm" then remembered something important that had to be done. Sorry DH, I know that if I engage it will all somehow be my fault.

sandye21's picture

After SD's meltdown 6 years ago, DH was on the phone, sweetly telling her, "You won't be coming over for a while." NOT, "You were extremely disrespectful of my wife when you screamed at her and made all sorts of vague accusations." He turned to me and exclaimed, "She says she LIKES you!" I replied so SD could hear me on the phone, "That's B.S. She doesn't like me and I don't like her." Oh, how liberating that was!! Haven't had to play the game since.