SEPERATE CHRISTMAS FOR KIDS AND STEP KIDS
Hi Guys,
This is my first post to the forums, I am sure it wont be the last now that I have found it and seems to be helpful, its nice to see other peoples ideas and attitudes.
Ok so here is my first issue, please tell me if I am being silly or if you agree with me, either way any opinions would be appreciated.
I have two young children, a boy of 8 and a girl of 5.
My partner has three girls, 13, 16 and 19
Christmas is upon us now and so what does any family do? they put up a Christmas tree or two, in our case about 5 (mostly small ones) all up around the house and outside, we both love Christmas!
Well first I should explain that my partner has separated the house so that my kids have the front sitting room and her girls have the rear sitting room so that they all have space from each other - read that as she doesn't want my loud young children disturbing her girls 
ok so we each have a main Christmas tree from prior relationships, I want to set up one main tree to unite the family and bring us together as much as is possible, she however wants her tree out with her girls and my tree out with my children, I feel that is reinforcing separation of the two families.
I suggested that why don't you put your tree out the front and mine at the back so that way its mixed up and the children wont have the yours and mine attitude at Christmas time, she rejected that saying that she wanted her girls to be near their tree.
So I am seeing this as the complete wrong thing to do and creates and reinforces separation of the two families at a prime time we should be using to bring them together as one.
Am I crazy? :jawdrop:
Thank you.
I have never heard of
I have never heard of exspouses or new mates fighting over xmas trees. This is a new one for me. The ornaments may be debated over or a tug-o-war (special baby's 1st xmas etc.) but never the tree. Having stated that, there are no RULES per say. Everyone has their own rules where they find middle ground and compromise to make it work.
Yours is a newly blended situation and if your partners kids don't come over that often it may be a way to continue a slower bonding process. It may also be that your partners overall goal (deep down) is not to meld y'all into one family - hence the segregation. It may be your partners kids have given him push back about sharing living spaces or Christmas trees/possessions.
When I was 19 and my brother
When I was 19 and my brother was 14, we spent Christmas with my stepbrothers who were 12 and 7. There was no way a tree was going to bring us (especially me) together as one. We WERE two families. No amount of various tree situations was going to change that. My mother put up her big tree in the living room, and that was that. It wasn't a bad thing. It just was. We all got/get along fine. I'm actually thankful my mother and their father didn't try to "force" us to be one big happy "family". We're not. It's OK.
maybe a bit harsh but I would
maybe a bit harsh but I would reply by saying:
My impression of forums is to discuss other peoples real life experiences in similar situations, not trying to gather support to throw in her face, I am trying to understand what is normal in this situation as it is a new one for me. that's all I am asking.
not bother parenting - well ok again maybe I wasn't clear, her teenage daughters sit around on the iPhones all day with their headphones on, taking selfies and snap chatting random boys - they can go an entire day without saying a single word, so when my children laugh at a cartoon or a TV show that is considered loud in our house.
So my questions really were is it normal to draw a line down the house and say this side your children and that side my children?
However thank you for your reply, honesty is always appreciated
I think you will find nothing
I think you will find nothing is "normal". But, I would also put things this way. Stepkids/children of divorce already have a lot on their plate to deal with and sometimes small things like enjoying their childhood Christmas tree are important to them. If it wasn't, you would just say let's use "your" tree to your SO and make that your unified family tree. But, you obviously know the value of this to your kids, so you still want "your" tree up.
If you are trying for a more unified approach, then I think since you have multiple trees.. you each have your "own" trees in the areas the kids normally hang out and then have the FAMILY tree in a more central/neutral area. You can put gifts under your separate trees up until Christmas day, but for present opening, you bring them to the FAMILY tree to open up as a family.
I would also try to not see this as a us vs them split family. Those girls are teens and the behavior you describe is absolutely normal. They probably don't want to hang out with "babies" like yours... who are louder, messier (in some ways) etc... I think it's unrealistic that they will develop sibling love for your young kids overnight.. or maybe even never.
Your house is split because the kids are at different phases in their lives. That doesn't mean you can't come together and do joint things and learn to be tolerant of each other.. but the kids will likely still gravitate to their own space because that is where they are most comfortable.
If you are happy with your partner and your kids are happy in their own space.. I would say that is a win and stop trying to force something that may never happen.. nor need to happen.
Forget about bonding,
Forget about bonding, blending, merging, etc. If it is meant to happen it will happen. If not just enjoy your separate families.
There is no mandate that all must join together, hold hands and sing kumbaya. No one should be rude or obnoxious - but not blending is okay too.
There are so many battles.
There are so many battles. This one is one you should not pick. I would let it go. It's a tree??!?? If it really bothers you maybe have your wife decide every other year and u can do what u want on your years.
No way I would approve of
No way I would approve of this - you moved in together so there will only be one tree and all together,
I'm sorry young kids get excited, the older ones just have to suck it up.....
If my SO ever suggested this, I would simply end the relationship, you can not live like this, Why don't you and your kids simply just move out, stay in your own place and enjoy a good Christmas without all that crap
It's not about the tree.
It's not about the tree. It's about the dividing of families in the one home.
This marriage/family will not last if this issue isn't addressed asap.
Well no, in unikitty land
Well no, in unikitty land there is no blending. There is only worship of le Chucky.
Oh and here I thought it was
Oh and here I thought it was because I don't think my bio kids are entitled to everything their hearts desire.
Herman Munster and Grandpa
Herman Munster and Grandpa drew a white line down everything at 1313 Mocking Bird Lane. It is not end well.
Why on earth did you get married?
I say ONE tree starting new memories.
Geeze these poor kids these days. COME on parents, be parents.
In this case.. I don't think
In this case.. I don't think it's really that the kids can't be around each other "at all".. just that due to their stage in life, they prefer their own space.
That being said, I would absolutely expect the MINOR children to be able to sit at the dinner table or around a Christmas tree with their step siblings and step parents and behave politely. Do they have to eat dinner as a family every day? no. Do they have to hang out and watch TV together? No. But they should be able to share the occaisonal special occasion with each other and be nice to one another. Little kids on their best "seen but not heard" behavior and older kids unplugged from their ipod for a bit.
Btw.. I don't mean that the little kids have to be mute but it is good practice for them to behave in a quieter less active manner from time to time.
I see nothing wrong with having a joint tree for everyone to have an hour or two "family" celebration where small gifts are exchanged and a little food/drink is consumed. That's not asking too much of either set of kids and both parents should absolutely insist on good behavior.
Who knows, as the younger kids get older and the older kids mature, they may find they quite like each other. I don't think 24/7 togetherness should be forced, but they can be model citizens for special occasions... even if it is just for their parents.
It's good for kids to know that sometimes you do things you might not prefer to do to make someone else happy.. whether it be a parent.. or a boss!
I was just making a point
I was just making a point that if it is important for the parents to feel like things are not 100% separate.. it's ok to expect the kids to "go along with the program" every now and then.
I also think that each parent is absolutely entitled to put up their historic family tree if that's what they want to do too.
Blending may/may not work in all situations.. but when the kids are minors, I think that the parents can have an expectation of some civility and that the kids can learn to be pleasant to one another and be in each others' company on the odd special occasion.
I'm not advocating that these kids get all kumbaya and pretend to be one big happy family.. and given the age difference, I wouldn't expect the children to do that much together, but these two parents don't have to live 100% divided lives. The kids can learn to put up with some togetherness for the sake of their parents.
Again, I don't consider that making it a big ole blended family, but it is expecting civility to one another.
Obviously, having some amount of overlap is important to at least one of the parents here. I think a good compromise would be each kids get their tree in their own space but they can come together for a brief celebration together at a "neutral" tree (since they obviously have more than just the 2 family trees going on). I don't see why the OP's SO would object to that. SO get's their tree and OP gets to have some joint celebration.
It doesn't bother me at all
It doesn't bother me at all that you have found the solution that works best for you and your family. Not blending is definitely an option and may be a necessity depending upon the situation.
My point was more in line that in this case, with the OP, that if it IS important to them to at least try to foster some togetherness as a family.. even if it isn't totally blended is not asking too much. I also was saying that it is absolutely OK for there to be some separation as well. As in, it's ok for each set of kids to keep the tradition of the tree that they grew up with.
However, I don't think it's asking too much for the kids to get along and be together for some special occasions. I mean, it's like a big family thanksgiving. People may not LOVE all of their extended relatives and those aren't people they would gravitate towards to share their free time normally, but when going to Grandma's house for turkey day, everyone does their best to smile, get along and have a nice time. I'm not talking about forcing the children to play together every day or create some false sense of nuclear family unit. I'm talking about learning to behave politely and learn how to compromise a bit so that their parents can share the odd holiday meal/celebration as a couple.
I understand that it's not possible in all situations. It just sounded like in THIS situation that it was worth a try.
but why? 1. I didn't read
but why?
1. I didn't read that those older kids hated the littles or were mistreating them. All I got was that the two sets of kids kept to themselves and had different areas in the house where they hung out. This makes sense given the age difference.
2. People need to learn to do things on occasion that aren't their preference or their choice.period.
3. It is absolutely the PARENT's responsibility to ensure that their own children are acting appropriately. That means that both sets of kids learn to act civilized around each other, their parents and in front of society in general.
4. I have no problem whatsoever if the teens want to spend 98% of their time texting and snapchatting in their rooms. However, it won't kill them to spend an hour opening presents and eating coffee cake with their mother's partner and her children. It won't hurt the younger children to shut off the TV and use their "inside voices" and not bounce off the walls during this brief time together.
It would be one thing if this was 5 years into this arrangement and the kids detested each other. It's not. It's relatively new and the kids really don't even know each other very well. There is no harm in trying to do something low key occasionally and expecting the children to go along with the program.
If your kids are so crappy
If your kids are so crappy that they can't do a 1 hour "thing".. you have failed as a parent.
I mean, what is the big deal, they live in the same house.. certainly see each other in passing?
I am not saying that they have to do it Christmas morning. Maybe the afternoon..or the day before or after.
I didn't get that the kids "hated" each other from OP.. just that they didn't like hanging out together.
I just think that a little lesson in tolerance, acceptance and civility are things everyone can benefit from these days. THAT is all I am advocating.
Resentment would be from forcing them to miss another opportunity. Asking them to give ONE hour out of the almost 9thousand hours in the year for something they might not normally choose to do isn't really asking all that much in my book. Resentment would be forcing the older kids to babysit. Eating cookies in the same room while some gifts are passed out? oh the horrors!
I'm not telling them they need to blend 100% of their lives and holiday traditions and militantly have one tree to share. They can have their own trees and traditions, but since their parents ARE together and they are still living at home, it makes sense that they could be in the same room for something like this.
Again, finding little kids annoying isn't the same thing as "resenting and hating them". Since this is new, a small low key and brief gift exchange could happen and the kids may even like it..you never know. It's not like they have tried it 10 times and are still forcing the issue.
That was pretty much my point
That was pretty much my point exactly:).
I also am not letting OP off the hook or the younger kids. This is also a chance for the younger kids to show off their best behavior. Learning to not be loud (inside voice) and too rambunctious. It's also about setting realistic expectations and not "over-facing the kids with something that is beyond their reasonable level of tolerance or behavior.
ie... let's not take them all on a week long trip to Disney for their first attempt at being a blended family. Too high stakes and fraught with perils.
Fully agree on this
Fully agree on this statement.... if you can't be together for an hour or 2 you failed as a parent...
Why do I believe this - we spend hours in the office with people we don't like, we go to town with people we don't like, we go to weddings and functions with people we don't like... but yet we survive the time spend with these people... so what's this couple teaching their kids, if you don't like some one - do your own thing... sorry these kids are raised to have one hell off a difficult life...
This definately seems odd to
This definately seems odd to me.
I am fine with multiple trees. My parents do the same thing. Ther is a main tree in the family room where all of the gifts go near where we eat all of our family meals when we are all together for the holidays. Then there are half a dozen or so other trees in windows around the house.
No separation though. I am a proponent of your unified tree idea.
Your SO remaining commited to separating her kids from hers in teh same home jsut does not pass the smell test of reasonableness for me.
Good luck.
Nomenclature can be
Nomenclature can be important. Why don't you start calling the room your kids are in the nursery? Or the rumpus room? or the play room? That is a perfectly normal thing that in tact families do all the time. It does not carry a connotation of different families, just a different purpose for the room.
The other room can be the Teen Den. I was recently reading they've done this in the past in the White House -- Susan Ford, maybe? Margaret Truman? One room becomes a teen hangout. And for the little Kennedys there was a school room/rumpus room.
By calling these rooms the family division thing you've got going, you're exacerbating or even creating an artificial division that isn't necessary. It's really normal for teens and little ones to have different needs and, if you can afford it, different spaces.
If you want to get an extra tree, why don't you call it the Adult Tree? And then on Christmas Eve you can invite all the kids to the Adult Tree and do the traditions that you and your wife want to do together in your new life -- you set the rules at that tree. Who cares what the kids act out at their own trees (since they've already been provided)?
This way kids are not being forced to give up something or forced to "blend" or self-consciously divide.
I would give it some serious thought. Wouldn't the words "rumpus room," "teen den," and "adult tree" solve all your problems instantly? Then you can all move forward.