Disrespectful...SD
Hello everyone
This is just about my last stop, hopefully we'll make it to therapy before divorce....
Thank you for any feedback beforehand; or at least for reading (giving me the time)
I've been married for 8yrs and life with my step children has not been very easy, it's the #1 argument between my wife and I, it's caused us to fall out of love for many years... Love it's actually there, it's just very hard.
My oldest SD married very early, not what we expected. But then again, my wife (as wonderful as she is in many ways) has been always been too too lenient... Oldest SD came in and out of the house as she pleased, my wife both didn't support me attempting to discipline (by speaking to her about expectations and sticking to consequences, etc, etc) My SDs have always played their mother like a fiddle... Playing on what they didn't have in the past, victimizing themselves, the list goes on.... So much so has been the struggle that I thought it best to ignore the issues... my wife broke down when my oldest SD left to be married and didn't finish college... she asked me for help, realized she had been blind to many things... My younger SD then started rebelling(started hanging around w the wrong crowd, ran away, etc) My wife sought professional help and it did the trick for awhile.... The she started talking to older boys on social media...(I'm all over the place with this story, today is about an incident tonight, but it's part of the lasts drops....). My youngest SD became verbally aggressive, when questioned about behaviors, when asked to give phone up.... my wife wanted (still wants) to solve everything by talking sweet, many times by accepting BS excuses or tears... I'm not innocent with time I've become very angry, I've become so upset all these years because my wife refuses to see that her children manipulate situations and that setting consequences and sticking to them help in getting children to correct their behaviors. To my point tonight... my youngest SD is insolent, rude,manipulative and ungrateful... my wife blind and permissive. I'm just plain angry.... 
It's very hard to not talk at my wife when it comes to my SD, she stays up on the phone, misses the bus, does nothing around the house... my wife praises her for the small improvements over the years (for not getting Fs at school, not missing the bus as before, basically I think she is happy she hasn't ran away again and that she stopped some of the extremes as before... buys, gives; but when I look at the home cameras, in the afternoons, weekends... SD does nothing but text and launch, snack, popher knukles and ask for make up and clothes... her room is filthy... She does a little when things explode and always states that she is doing better, my wife praises the minimal effort... When Iquestion it, it becomes complete drama... she plays the victim, etc.... I've stood my ground many times but have no support from my wife, she doesn't follow through,set consequences... I've done it in the past, here and there, but can't do it alone. I've had it! My wife finally took her phone away yesterday, she overslept missed school (I sent my wife the cell records... calls at midnight Tol 3, 4am on school nights...) She took the phone for a day... but allowed her to go out w her friend.... when I came home I tried calmly telling my wife how ineffective she was being in setting such a contradictive punishment... it got heated up, as always.. I'm always "telling her about herself" She cried... my 7yr old saw it and told me to quit being mean to her mom and sister... (I'm not going into the details of my behaviors, I know there is some truth to what my wife says... I'm just fed up and can't listen to all the BS...) Basically, the conversation,as always turned into how I talk at my wife, not about a manipulative child and the enablement. SD got her phone back today. Today there was a school event w parents for a society she is part of... (Note, my wife gave the phone back;I blocked the internet use (still blocked at this moment)). I took off early from work to attend the event... SD introduced gramma, mom to friends,instructors, etc. Didn't bother to introduce me (I mean, I'm just the other person that feeds, shelters, teaches to drive (this as of late) pays for small luxuries etc along w mom. I'm not surprised (this is expected) When wecame home my wife asked what I thought of the event... I responded first with positive and constructive criticism of the event itself and then asked her if she noticed that SD didn't introduced me to anyone... She said yes and that she thinks is because SD thinksI am still upset with her for missing school (which is true). But wife completely misses to see the disrespect,etc, etc (as with other events as of late, she asked why I don't asked SD) I'm tired... I keep doing things to try to make things work, because leaving isn't that simple when there is a mortgage and specially my 7yr old. Also because I know I avoid talking to my SD many a times, I'm disgusted. I cut my wife slack, but her faults at this are even greater. She is blind. She gives but doesn't demand from her daughters... As we were talking about this. As I told her, it's far more than she thinks I'm mad at her, BSactually, I didn't have to take off work, but showed up to be supportive... but as I've said before I can't support or respect people who don't return the favor (relationships are two way streets...) As I talked she fell asleep(she's been up since 5am and we had a really long day. But I really think she isn't interested in hearing about the ugly side of her kids...) I'm just so pissed and so done! I don't really have anyone to talk to about this... I probably should go back to therapy myself, I've just been so angry, impatient, amongst other things am not proud of (none physical by the way) I just know when I'm upset am not a nice person to talk to; but my inherited family doesn't help....Thank you(writing at least takes some stress away)
oh dear - relax and sit
oh dear - relax and sit back......
Now you are not the father you are simply the step father and the kids are brats. There's nothing you can do about it, stop parenting these girls. You have tried and tried and it's not working, it's time to give up.
Your DW rather wants to be their friend then their parent, accept it and move on with your life. Sit and think back why you married her in the first place, was it because she's your friend, you love her or was it to safe her children. When you determined this ... then start from there again, I bet ya it was because of DW and not the children. Thus disengage from the children. tHe sooner you accept that they will not listen to you the better, the sooner you accept DW does not want to hear how disgusting her snowflakes are the better for you.
Disengagement means you do nothing for the children, they are not your responsibility. You do not drive them around, you do not pay for anything they want, you only pay for you and DW..... you ignore the brats 200%.
You do not even speak to them....
You are not responsible for the people they are, and cut the internet, you are paying for it, thus only you can use it, change the password and do not give it to them. If DW complains in your ears about her snowflakes, smile nod and say.. what ever you think is best dear.....
If the skids stuff is all over the house, by all means help DW clean the house, you simply say once, please remove your stuff from the living room, they will scream at you and ignore you, you know this, but take it and hour later when it's still there... trash it, regardless of what it is. You did ask they did ignore and you helped DW by cleaning the house.
When the bitches scream and swear at you, walk away..... and in the privacy of your room make it clear to DW - the married SD will never move back home, she's an adult and on her own. The feral SD still living with you, will be out if she gets pregnant, and after 18, she will find a job and move, if she did not graduate from school, not your problem but you will not support a lazy ass disrespectful woman.
Your responsibility is only towards DW and not the snowflakes.... you will never be able to change the girls, but you can change the situation by disengaging and ignoring them (keep your money away from them)
Thank you for the reply I've
Thank you for the reply
I've actually have slightly and greatly disengaged in the past years, with the same mentality (you don't do and don't show respect you deserve nothing to little from me) I then sorta reengage in attempts to better the situation... This has never lasted, my SD always proves that she only wants the nice things from me, not discipline specially. It's not a very good environment when I look at it. It's hard to live in a home where you are one of the adults, main contributors and one of the children lives by different rules. My wife does for everyone, home wise (food, clothes, etc, etc) I'm the main contributor monetarily (so I use that (not proud of it) to my advantage, I skip helping around the house as much as I should) However, my SD acts as if she contributes... when all she does is take and manipulate. Since my last message I took away an ipad and Netflix access. My wife dances around the cell phone (because is for safety...) I haven't gotten around to the wifi. Other than food, shelter, the phone and wifi; I will not be giving any other thing, none of my time... My wife seemed worried about my reaction since the last incident.... was very nice to me for 2 or 3 days.... she wants no conflict, if she has addressed my SD on the subject she has and or will not tell me much (I think my SD always manages to skip on any responsibility. In my opinion the biggest issue is my wife's lack of effort, follow up and discipline with my SD) We had planned on going to therapy by next month (because of schedules) My wife throws little jokes here and there (Just between her and I), about how I dislike my SD... I've been telling her that it's no joke, that it is a serious subject... I start to address (re-tell really) all of my concerns and she has no feedback... I have asked her countless times how she feels about me totally avoiding SD and her only answer has been that I already know... Going back to one of your questions, I "fell in love" with my wife and she with me I guess mainly do to attraction, I also thought she was a great mother (because I saw the surface of how happy she made her daughters) She always says that she always thought I was a good person (and I too thought the same of her. We still say the same thing...) the attraction part / romance broke very quickly though.... we were also very naive (I was a very needy person when we started our relationship and she was very immature. On the other hand, we've grown as people together (sadly to the world, not within our marriage)) We were lovers who in marriage became friends... But the attraction is gone and the resentment is very much there... I've focused very much on my SDs bad behavior, I feel like I already have a stagnant marriage and to top it of SHITTY children... (HELL NO) The light in my home is my 7yr old, she is sweet, she will do the things I ask of her (even when she pouts, she allows me to parent her and so does my wife...) More importantly, she is 7, not 17... Thanks again for your reply
Hi Dragon, For a few of the
Hi Dragon,
For a few of the issues I thought you were my step daughter's mother's boyfriend. I have very similar issues with my step daughter. She is used to getting everything that she wants through manipulation and guilt tripping. Neither her nor her brother have ever been held accountable for any of their mistakes or bad behaviours. The mother jumps to protect them from "the man". She teaches them to either lie about what they did or run away from it. And from that we get the spoiled children that we see in front of us.
I have followed the other advice that you got - to disengage from their lives. It really does make it easier for me. Why would I invest my time in these children who have been taught from their mother that I am dispensable? I can't blame them for being the way they are - they need to be loyal to their mother. Trying to parent them was an exercise in futility. Now I say - do what you want but not in MY house. Here there are rules they have to abide by - rules that their father and I set together. Since they cannot abide by them, they don't come around too much,
I feel guilty for my husband, as the does love his children, but his ex wife doesn't align her parenting with his and makes him the bad guy. He just wants to have a relationship with them and sometimes at all costs - he lets them treat him like crap just to have contact. That makes me so sad for him.
I sometimes think that this too shall pass, when they are older and have been in the big world on their own, without having everything handed to them on a plate. What do you think?
Now I wait for the gifts from the Gods where they come to ask for favours from me...just like with you, they like the benefits of having me as a parent figure with the money and things...but don't want to hear from me when they poop on our heads. So they still do come to me and ask for things and I get to say... "Have you asked your mother for that? I think that may be your best bet!" . I'm not sure if they understand what I am doing, but I do know that I feel better. Call me mean - I call it self preservation.
Thanks Tada In my case my
Thanks Tada
In my case my SD17 lives in my home. Father has issues, drinking, endangerment... etc so she doesn't even go every other weekend. She used to and she manipulated that situation as well (until the sad reality of that home was not worth being able to do what she pleased. Then we were told, little by little what went on in that home...). My wife and I had been talking divorce for a few weeks... in the midsts of all this, this past weekend I happen to work an extra day (on my side business) my wife was super nice and considerate of me working extra. Then... came a request for a ride from my SD17; to the which I replied I wouldn't be able to help (no further explanation, other than a conflict of schedule) My wife of course knows I'm disengaging (I've told her). The divorce talk resumed not too long after. She looked up information and established a plan; I'm sad, but I am no longer playing games either. My wife's main argument is that she is sick and tired of "being told about herself" every week and hearing what a horrible parent she is (there is much truth to that, I've been on this same subject for years). My argument is that I no longer want to put up with this BS, under my roof. I also told her about how quickly she went from nice to divorce; and told her that her niceties are very much appreciated but they do not extend my gratitude towards others, specially when I'm shown no respect. We both have talked about this for far too long. My troubles, our issues, have mainly been the product of me not being ok with my 2 SDs behaviors and the lack of discipline. My wife in turn tells me very little about her expectations from me, not until lately... I don't feel like doing much for anyone but my BD7... Even then... all children that have lived under my roof, live off of the product of my work. I cover at least 50% of the houses expenses; and I've been very vocal (petty perhaps) about it. My wife does show appreciation in other forms, but it doesn't extend to her drawing a line with my SDs (well, only one now, the other one no longer lives with us... got pregnant, quit school, married an idiot; they have 2 kids. They also stayed in our home off and on for many a total of 8months... My wife did become more demanding with my older SD... I always point at that situation, but this hasn't gotten us anywhere. My older SD was rebellious, looking for a father figure; but not one that had rules along with the sweets... She found a lost boy, just like her (and they are now kids raising kids...). My SD17 is a very angry person, when HS started she rebelled worse than the older one... my wife did manage to solve some of these issues, but never the one concerning me... She seems afraid of telling her the wrong thing; either to not hurt her feelings, guilt, etc. Truth is if my wife ever starts a conversation about responsibility and my SD17 fights it, she will get her way... This story has always been at the forefront of my home, no time to repair our marriage, we are stuck at that surface. I don't feel appreciated or respected; and I've had it. I even spoke to her about counseling, at least to try to set some peace for however long we are together... she said she would but that she really doesn't believe it will help... I many times feel I've been used... My wife is a very good person, she is very giving to all people; so I refuse to believe that she deliberately has been using me. But what is certain is that she cares more about the over the surface happiness of her daughters, more than anything else. She hasn't really thought about our BD7... when it comes to this. I'm now just trying to find peace within me (ignore the small things that I dislike at home, while I'm there) and strength to move forward with my BD7. It would be nice if we could solve things, but so much is broken....