Long time lurker first time poster...

This forum is all about complaints. Complaints about the stepkids, complaints about your SO's behavior, and complaints about the BM. Probably because happy people don't go looking for forums to post on in the first place. I have a unique situation, and based on what I've read here, plus a few other forums and stepparenting books, its likely to be a complete disaster. I am attempting to preemptively come up with a battle plan on how to manage this without it ruining my life, and nothing I have read seems to indicate any good ways for me to handle this. I am willing to try anything.

I know that most people go into these relationships with preexisting children wanting to do what's good for the children, and wanting to have a good relationship with BM, and wanting to make everyone happy. They don't go in planning to be the "evil stepmother." It seems that most SM's I've read about or heard post here initially bend over backwards to not step on the BM's toes, try their hardest to raise kids that aren't theirs as if they were their own, and bleed themselves dry to make everyone happy and just be perfect all the time.

Some backstory- I myself had a stepmother, and with hindsight being 20/20 I think she tried too hard to make everybody happy too. Now that I read these things, all of a sudden her ridiculous behavior that I grew up around is starting to make sense. I have vivid recollections of her staggering around the house drunk occasionally breaking things muttering about how she gives and she gives and she does and she does and nothing is ever good enough, and something about how a bond between a father and his daughter is nothing she can ever hope to compete with and how she exists solely to be disrespected and mistreated. I remember entire sections of the house (most of it) being cordoned off as off-limits to me so that she could have her space and her sanity. I remember her moving out several times because of me and I remember being fully and completely blamed by both of them for their divorce some 10 years later. SM's try to do what's best for the children, and as that child that everyone tried to do right for, her trying to do what was best for me made her crazy made my father crazy and retrospectively really MESSED me up. Honestly, if my dad and her entered into their relationship with a "we couldn't care less about the child" attitude, I believe I may have been much better off than the eventual outcome. I spent years walking on eggshells, and years feeling guilty like if I'd somehow caused the whole thing and wishing I would just disappear so they could be happy. I also grew up watching my mother throw out man after man because she didn't like how he treated her kids-- the whole time complaining about how difficult it was to do everything alone with 4 children and making me feel guilty as the cause of that too. My parents tried to not talk badly about each other at first, but this left me feeling very confused as to why they weren't together anymore, why they couldn't be in the same room, and why my mother wasn't even allowed into my house to use the bathroom. I felt like I could never hope for a happy relationship because my only example of a happy relationship had randomly exploded with no warning or explanation. At some point they both started talking. My father told me all about how my mother cheated on him and got pregnant and was now raping him for child support and alimony because she wanted him to homeless. My mother told me all about how he picked up prostitutes and did jail time for it, how she spent her entire marriage being treated like a second class citizen and about how he was a lousy father to me and why. Supposedly these things are very bad to do. But they made me feel better. All of a sudden I understood why both my parents acted like lunatics around each other, and I understood that this had nothing to do with me. I understood that I control my own life, and I have control over my future relationships. My parents badmouthing each other was good for me.

I am not willing to become my stepmother. Under no circumstances. I also put my SO first, which means I expect the exact same. The child will grow up to have their own life, but this is the only life he and I get. If that mean's going into this as the most wicked stepmother ever, than so be it. I care about what's best for me first, and my lover second. The child is third. This is a unique situation. My fiancé and I have a history and a relationship that long predates the child, and we are on the same page in that we are going to make this work no matter what we have to do. He didn't want to be a father (not with her) but it happened, and now we are looking to do the absolute best we can do with what we've got. This is complicated by the fact that BM has already proven herself to be an absolute nut. I fully expect this journey to include the full gamut of parental alienation, withholding visitation, possibly false domestic violence charges or child abuse allegations. I expect multiple court visits and I fully expect her to train their son to hate me and his father to the best of her ability. Now if these things don't happen, I will be pleasantly surprised, but I will plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I need to know if anyone has tried any nonconventional step parenting methods. For example, when it comes to methods of parenting, you hear stories from all kinds of nut cases. You have parents who don't care if their 5 year old is wandering the streets at night, and you have parents who won't let their 20 year old go to the bathroom by themselves. There was some guy who kept the kid locked in his basement and only taught him to speak Klingon. I mean, clearly that's child abuse, but people do all kinds of crazy things when it comes to their own kids.

When it comes to step parenting, it seems the choices are- try to be the kid's mother, try to only be an aunt or a friend, disengage completely and have little or nothing to do with the kid, be only a housekeeper, or act only as support for your spouse and not worry about what relationship if any you have with the child. The whole role confusion thing. A stepparent has no clear cut role.

Since a stepparent has no clear cut role, I figure I can handle this however I want. Anything short of obvious abuse or neglect is pretty much open for consideration. I am wondering if anyone has tried some completely ridiculous off the wall method to handle this? Has anyone tried to ---Convince the kid that you are actually its mother? Completely ignore the kid 100% of the time as if they don't exist at all? Treat the child just like Cinderella, even buy it some glass slippers? Convince the kid that it is actually your mother and is therefore required to take care of you? Any other completely insane method of step child rearing?
How about ways to handle an insane BM that has set out to poison the child against you and its father? A BM so insane you fear for your life? Any creative ways to handle a complete nut? I know you are never supposed to undermine her or speak badly about her, but what if you've exhausted all reasonable options? If she tells the child that its betraying her by being nice to you, or she tells the child that his father doesn't love him, has anyone tried fighting fire with fire? Do something ridiculous-- Refuse to allow the child to refer to her as mom? Only ever refer to her as the incubator in the child's presence? (There is a guy on this forum who refers to his wife's BD as the sperm idiot and his sperm clan. I wonder if he ever does that in front of the kids?) Has anyone tried being completely and totally 100% brutally honest with the child about her behavior instead of being an adult and protecting the child from the truth?
Any creative ways to ruin her life for the purpose of keeping her so busy doing damage control she has no time to worry about the fact that you are around her child? Write her phone number on all the bathroom walls? Sign her up for every piece of junk mail in existence? Send her pizza three times a day?

I swear I have the best intentions. I ideally plan to love that child and plan to treat it like my own, even if it does have another mother. But I have seen things go wrong even with the best of intentions, the road to hell is paved with them. My fathers life was ruined because he couldn't successfully integrate a new wife. My mothers life was ruined because she couldn't successfully do the same. My life was ruined because I was caught in the middle and if my parents are miserable then so am I. Ironically my parents turned my entire childhood into a living hell by putting me first and doing what was supposedly best for me. I plan to do what is best for that child, and I plan on dealing with his mother as civilly as possible, even making peace if there is ever an option. However if it becomes clear that pursuing this relationship while being reasonable is going to ruin my life, I will not hesitate to defend myself and my fiancé by any and all means necessary. We are on the same page that we are putting the relationship first. We are also going in with a plan, and a few backups. The conventional stepmother/co parenting advice doesn't seem like something we can count on to ensure our happiness, so we are looking for alternatives. Any lunatics out there? Any true to life wicked stepmothers/stepfathers? What have you tried? Any stories of being absolutely evil to the BM or trying less accepted ways of handling the child? What was the outcome? Tell me your stories.