First holidays as stepparent
Hi, I've just joined this site to try and get some different perspectives.
My husband and I are newly weds and entering into our first holiday season as a family. We've. been together for just under two years and last years holidays he spent thanksgiving with his x and the kids. She also spent 5 days over Christmas at our place at a newby ski resort,I was out of the country visiting my family. Those all seemed to be fine although my now stepson (7) seemed to have a really hard time for a few weeks after seeing mummy and daddy together at the cabin.
My husband has never been planning to continue spending holidays together. She betrayed him and left him with a 1.5 yr old and 3 yr old to be with her high school sweetheart. Who she's now married to. The new husband is still in another country and so she's here alone. After leaving she had a serious mental health break and my husband had to put aside his feelings and hold everything together until she stabilized. His intention has always been to slowly set boundaries and disengage as her health improves. It's been 3 yrs and she's doing much better.
He's told her this year he wants to start doing separate holidays. She's furious and telling him things like we should suck it up for the good of the children. that having a new wife is no reason to change the way things have been. It appears as though she blames me and doesn't see how much her past actions have hurt him, she has never shown any remorse. She is also started to push my husband into a corner with the kids to explain why daddy doesn't want to spend holidays with mommy, they don't know of the betrayal so it's hard on him to justify his side to the kids. He is also 100% unwilling to do holidays with her new husband once he arrives.
Honestly I'm relieved that he doesn't want to continue doing joint holidays, we are trying to have another child and I feel bad for her mental health challenges but have 0 trust in her. Though I feel guilty because I love the kids and know that us all being toghether would make their little hearts burst. Part of me wants to convince him we can do it and part of me (a bigger part) wants to continue doing joint birthdays and school events but keep holidays separate.
Any insights would be much appreciated.
He never should have done
He never should have done joint holidays to begin with. This is what happens when two people decide to keep playing family in front of the kids just to appease them when they are truly separated. Instead of letting the kids deals with the truth, they just gave their kids another hopeful memory and postponed the reality of the situation causing them even more confusion and heartache. There is nothing for you to do. You aren't wrong and he, now, has the good sense to stop all of this nonsense. BM will fight because to her you are blocking her from her "family" moments in her near-sightedness. Your DH needs to rip the bandaid off or this will last you your whole relationship. It seems to me that whenever boundaries are hurting/offending BMs, its usually a good indication its because they need to be in place.
Do I have this right that he
Do I have this right that he spent last year with his ex and not you. And you were ok with that. Wow!!! It didn't bother you? Sounds like there is a third party in your marriage. The EX!!
Yes, I was out of the country
Yes, I was out of the country and we talked a lot about it first. We weren't married or even engaged yet. It was very clear to both of us that it was for the children and would be the last time.
Just say NO, NO, and NO...not
Just say NO, NO, and NO...not happening; this is an unreasonable and dysfunctional expectation.
When she tells him to "suck
When she tells him to "suck it up for the children" - he should tell her to go suck a goat &&**. Well really he might say that in his head - but it's best to not engage with her at all. Crickets.
This is a perfect example of when it's time to "ignore the whore". A sane person does NOT listen to a raving lunatic hurl insults at them.
Your DH should calmly explain to his son that he will now be getting TWO Christmas celebrations. No excuses or justifications. Just the facts on how it is going to be. He should not mention BM.
Please do not feel guilty. Do not let BM and her nonsense inside your head.
My nephew's parents divorced when he was 6 years old. His parents did not speak to each other for years. My nephew actually lived with me for a year while the parents alternated staying with me. They certainly did not share any holidays.
My nephew is now in his early 30s. He is normal with no personality disorders from having divorced parents who didn't remain best buds. He is extremely accomplished with an international career. And has a lovely young woman partner that I hope he marries.
That "for the children" crap is just that - crap. Children do much better with honesty and reality than fantasy lies.
Oh hell no!!!! DH needs to
Oh hell no!!!! DH needs to stop doing anything other than holding BM to the Custody/Visitation/Support order and smacking her about the head and shoulders (figuratively of course) with a rolled up copy of the CO any time she so much as twitches out of compliance.
Her mental health ceased to be DH’s concern when she ran off with her new DH. Yes, I understand that this is the mother of his children. His mistake was choosing this waste of skin abject parental failure to pollute his gene pool. His sole concern should be protecting his kids from this person. Nothing more, nothing less.
BM's mental health should be of no concern to you at all. She made her bed, she can wallow in the shit pool she has chosen to sleep in. You and DH need to focus on your own family and partner in protecting your family from BM's toxic crap.
If BM was reasonable I would suggest that you and DH work with her reasonably. Joint holidays, etc... are far from reasonable in all but the most idealic of blended family situations. Time for DH to cut BM loose to wallow in her decisions.
IMHO of course.
First of all, I want to tell
First of all, I want to tell you, no matter what route you go, holidays are ALWAYS difficult in a step-situation, especially when the kids are little. We had many, many years of having my DH's extended family jumping through hoops and changing their holiday plans based on whatever last minute thing BM imposed on DH under the guise it's what the SSs wanted, and DH didn't want the SSs to be upset at him on the holiday!!
As for your specific situation, I would NOT be ok with sharing any holidays with BM for the sake of the kids! It's not only confusing for them, and will likely make them hate you because they'll see YOU as the impediment to mommy and daddy being together, but also, it will be misery for you! That's no way to spend what's supposed to be a wonderful time of the year. I agree that you and your hubby need to start your own family traditions to the extent you can. One thing I hated was that my DH's Order had him and BM alternate the Christmas schedule every year, (and my DH had to drive 4 hours' round-trip to get SSs, which meant every other year, the SSs had about 12 waking hours at our house for Christmas, for which my DH did 8 hours of driving bringing them to our home and getting them back, so I saw him very little on those years) so the best we could do was traditions for every other year. I honestly would have to say that was one of the things I really hated about having SKs.
Now my SKs are grown, and my DH and I have our 2 DSs, 15 and 9, and we have our own family traditions that my youngest especially is growing up with. We also have a tradition that my SSs come for Christmas the weekend AFTER Christmas, since they now spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with BM and her smothering family, which is fine with me, since I get the actual holiday with my huby and my bios. I then have a catered meal for when the SSs come for their gifts, which means I've already enjoyed my holiday and I do very little work for their visit, and my hubby gets to enjoy the SSs. It's a win win, but it's taken many years to get there.