Just turned 13, What to look forward too?

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Prepare me please! She already forgetful. Words go on deaths ear with her until her dad gets on to her hard and mean. We hate being mean but don't like to be taking advantage of either. So far she's been a good kid except the forgeting to the point where I washed all her clothes and folded them for her birthday and they all ended up scattered on the floor. I just left them there. She claims she'll get to them but when she comes home from school I hear her on the phone in bedroom laughing. She could have took the time to put clothes away. She has nice bedroom and plenty of dresser space. Her and I can have nice conversations of heart to heart. She tries but then she goes right back to her old slobbish self. The panty things is nasty. Evidentially her mom allows her to wear tampons but she doesn't wear panty liner with it and stains in her under wear that end up inside out on the floor for people's eyes. She has left on bathroom floor..its gross! I have told her we don't wanna see that and she should be embarrest but she's not. No concept of money. I don't get much but she goes In my bathroom and gets into my hair products. My niceness is wearing thin and I feel like I'm gonna explode.

well I can tell you 15 is

well I can tell you 15 is really bad. Way worse than 13

My SD12 (almost 13) is the

My SD12 (almost 13) is the same way and treats her room and things the same.
Here's what I've done:

1) Disengaged. I tried everything, I tried working with DH and SD on it. I went full on clean up everything and trash it or give it away - 2x! Nothing phases her.

2) Told DH I was done helping with ANYTHING regarding SD12's room. If we get an infestation of anything, anything breaks or is lost, HE alone pays for it or deals with it.

3) I do not do her laundry at all. She knows how to use the washing machine.

4) I don't buy her anything for her room or clothing. Actually, I don't buy her anything, period.

DH this weekend cleaned her room for her AGAIN.
He had to ask me why there were holes in her sheets. I don't know.
One of her t-shirts was cut up into shreds. I don't know why.
And she's not using her dresser or side-table for anything. I don't know why.

I did tell him in the midst of the conversation that he thinks her room just doesn't have a lot of stuff in it (see item #1 which he's apparently forgotten about) and it seems so, so "temporary." So he was talking about getting more "stuff" for her. I remained calm and gave him specific examples of what we've helped her get, what I've helped her get and how she's lost, damaged or just simply left on the floor because she doesn't want to ask for help with ANYTHING (see the electronics come first and he doesn't get that yet). And I pointed out that she has no respect for any of her things - or our things (dirty dishes accumulate, rotten food has been found in drawers and under her bed, lost office things, new clothing left on the floor and walked on, broken coffee mugs, etc.) and the holes in the sheets and mess he is continually surprised by is a bigger issue.

He says, well, he just has more empathy for her. (because he's pretty dang messy too)
I said, I had plenty of empathy and provided support and help until moldy food was left and she stopped assisting with her laundry. Done. I lost it. And he has to deal with it.

He said that he's not putting her room back together for her that she'll have to make her own bed, etc. I said nothing because what's going to happen is she'll leave everything like he left it, pile the sheets/blankets on the bed with out making it, and that'll be that.

I do not enter or discuss her room unless DH really wants my opinion/feedback. And I'm careful when I give it. I also don't enter or clean the SDs bathroom either. I made that clear when we moved in. I have hired a cleaning person to clean it before - and DH paid for it. DH cleans it, makes the SDs do it (I have yet to see SD12 do ANYTHING like cleaning the house, SD10 will help if asked but that's not fair to her), or I hire someone if I need to.

Remove your hair products from her. Put them somewhere she can't/won't get to or lock them up. Yes, lock them up. I've done it. It works if your DH doesn't support your request for him to tell her/teach her to leave other people's things alone.

Yes, if your DH waffles or

Yes, if your DH waffles or doesn't want to enforce this you are out of luck and there's nothing you can do.

If you DH does not really

If you DH does not really step up NOW... you will end with an Aergia.....

What about taking her phone away and say you can get it back as soon as your room is clean, then keep to it (if DH would allow this)
Lock up your stuff, she's not allowed to take it..... (if you have your own bathroom lock it)
Stop buying her anything, she's not your kid and you do not have to buy her anything

Then disengage, force DH to take over the discipline and make sure he does..... every time he tells her to clean her room and takes her phone away you reward him with something sexy and nice.... sorry it's the only way...

if you thought 13 is bad, wait till she's 15, but that's still nothing compared to 17... when they do not care about you finding out they are having sex.... g-string, condom wrappers and paper pieces used for cleaning spilling from the hand bag in the kitchen