If you really want to send something, I would skip the cash and send a card to the family to let them know you're thinking of them.

Make a donation to your or your late husbands favorite charity in their name. Send a card letting them know that you've donated to xyz charity.

Hi, marigold. Condolences on the loss of your husband. What a difficult time this must be for you, and what a kind person your are to be thinking about what to give others while you grieve.

It seems clear that your late husband's daughter does not like you. She may have kept up the pretense while around her father, but she's showing her true colors now. She doesn't want a relationship with you, and that means you are under no obligation to reward her bad behavior with Christmas gifts. If you wish to honor your husband's memory, make a charitable donation in her name.

As for her son and brother, those are separate relationships that do not have to involve your SD.

So sorry for your loss:). A card might be nice. Just to honor your hubby and to tell his daughter you are thinking of her still

Sorry for your loss.

This is actually something I've thought about.
I've decided that the first year I'll put the check or cash in a card but not mail it. If they invite me or come to see me I'll give them the card. If they don't, I rip up the check.

I expect (in the future) to be ripping up the check and writing no more checks.

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. As an older person myself I realize how short life is. I've lost close friends, family members and have consoled all too many friends who have lost spouses, parents, and sometimes even children.

But to be quite blunt here any ties that you felt out of obligation to your late husband are now just gone. You have no obligation to have any relationship with them other than what you want to have. Nor do they. It's actually quite freeing.

I presume that any of his assets that he wanted to go to his children have been disbursed. You are under no obligation to continue funding their lives - unless that is something you really want to do.

If any of his children really want nothing to do with you - the best thing you can do for everyone is to just bow out of their lives and go on with yours. Please don't kid yourself that keeping a tie with your late DH's children will be keeping a tie to him or honoring him.

So sorry for your recent loss. Maybe you want t carry on a 'tradition' for your husband's sake but you are wasting your time. You wrote that your SD does not like you at all. I assume this has been going on for some time. If she was communicating with you at all it was for Daddy's sake. Now she is off the hook --- but so are you. To give out of obligation takes away from the spirit of giving. Nobody feels good about it - neither the giver or the person who receives the gift.

Besides that, she is probably mourning the loss of her Father too. Give her some time to collect her thoughts and come to terms with what must be conflicting feelings about you. I would send her a card at the most just to let her know you are thinking abut her but then, let her reach out to you. If she doesn't, give her the best gift she's had since you married her Father and allow her an easy exit.

If you really want to give at Christmas there all all sorts of charities to get involved with - and I'm not talking about just giving money. Last week I was shocked to find out how many homeless kids live in our small town. There are all sorts of programs where you can volunteer your time to bring a better Christmas to someone who would appreciate it more than SD.

i am sorry for your loss. technically, you are no longer connected to his family.

if you had a relationship with the children, continue on. if you have no relationship and you are just going through the motions, its ok to cut off ties. you noted the sd does not like you, so no need to carry on the charade.

Marigold - you have no obligation towards these children anymore, they are not your children. You wanted to honor their father by still giving something, but is SD honoring her father for ignoring you? No she's not

You can still be friendly towards them and if any one is friendly towards you and inviting you to places, then you can give them a small gift.... but you are under no obligation to do so...

Think carefully.... if DH dies alone with no GF or new wife.... would they still get anything? You are basically the same, in SD's eyes you mean nothing to her, you do not exist... take your extra cash and go on a cruise and enjoy it

Sorry for your loss (((HUGS)))

I am very sorry for your loss.

There are other ways to honor your husband's memory, besides giving gifts to people who don't really care for you.

And please don't make donations in those people's names. If your husband was charitable and had a favorite charity, donate in your name but in memory of your husband.

Only you can honor your husbands memory in a way that works for you. Like StepAside suggested... I would forego the gift card and money to the toxic SD. If the GSkid and SS are pleasant and engage with you... then give them gifts that please you.

Do not facilitate SD's toxicity. Let your behavior towards her be the reaping of what she she sows. If she catches a particle of character and will engage with you civilly and reasonably then you can adjust if you so choose. Don't hold your breath though.

My condolences on the loss of your husband.

My MIL was faced with this same situation last year. "Daddy big bucks" passed away in april 2015. He/they always wrote nice fat checks to his offspring every Christmas. She felt obligated to give and confused about what to do because 2 of his 4 adult children were a little hostile towards her regarding their trust. My suggestion was to send a holiday card with warm wishes and see what happens. It went fine. However, the relationships are starting to dwindle, even with the beloved "step grand children."

It's sad time for MIL right now. She feels like she lost her husband and now some of her step grand children.

Christmas is the time of year that makes many people depressed. It's only September and you should not be burdening yourself with this decision right now. Think survival mode.

I would respect their need to distance themselves now that your relationship status has changed. You are all still sorting out your feelings about this new reality without DH .

When December comes, you could mail them a card (no money) and see if any reciprocate, if not, you will have your answer.
I don't know if you have kids and grandkids of your own, but you can start new traditions. Toys for Tots or Samaritans Purse would be worthy causes at Christmas .

Very sorry for your loss.

I would only give to those that really appreciate and spend time with you, you know who you love.

I have a very good relationship with OSS58 (doesn't need $$$ or property). YSS53 just got out of prison and is a manipulator of anyone; so he only gets civility from me. SD56 hates me and doesn't get the time of day from me. SGD31 is rude and doesn't get the time of day from me. SGS38 is loving, calls, and visits often. He will be the heir of anything I have, if my DH passes before me. You get the point.

Our Will reads DH gets mine and I am the heir of DH's. If I go first, I don't care, as I won't know anyway. If DH goes first, it's my SGS38; I will rewrite my Will accordingly. I have no bio children.

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult. However, is sounds that you are getting all your ducks in a row and planning way ahead. Give yourself permission to abstain from anything or anyone that is negative in your life. You are starting anew again. The gift that comes to starting a new life is that you get to decide what is best for you! You will feel much better when you decide that you will no longer tolerate negativity in any form. Let go of Sd and trying to be kind to a person who shows ill will. Doing so will release a load from your shoulders. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot.

What you are feeling, right now, due to your devastating loss, is normal.

I have one question: Will they let go of you, in his memory?

It sounds like your SD never wanted you in the picture. Your marriage and love for your husband was best known between the two of you. Cherish those memories and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

You are not obligated to buy anything for anyone. Remember the beautiful memories and move forward, even though right now it is very difficult.

((((hugs))))