What are your thoughts or best take away from the book Stepmonster?

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Hello Everybody!

I just read this book and for me it was most enlightening. I am waiting for the right time to ask my HB to read it, that moment will arrive around the holidays.

It is great to have something written (a resource), in this area that does not place SM's in the usual unfair position of being characterized as the automatic source of evil-- to be reckoned with and fixed.

If you read the book what are your thoughts? If not, you may consider--it is a reasonable account of what SM's actually think and feel. It takes a rational approach to weighing everybody's position but explains why the SM's feelings are real and valid.

Stop. Just. Stop.

I would take the opposite

I would take the opposite view. (I have not read the book btw so this is me postulating on a hypothetical basis) . I would say that it is very easy to pick and choose which statistics to present and which stories to relate in a piece of writing and that is where bias can easily come into play. However in this instance (from what I have heard of the book) I think that some bias towards step parents in less than ideal conditions and validating feelings that some step parents feel and putting them into black and white for spouses and partners to try to understand what is going on in their homes could be a really useful tool in itself to easing tensions, promoting communication and understanding one another. So I could see how bias in this instance could be useful, though not having read the book obviously I cannot say if it really is biased or not!

Haven't read the book and

Haven't read the book and doubt if I ever will. How did she violate her skids' privacy? Was it just a general - they were brats or did she give personal details of their life problems?

On this topic, I couldn't

On this topic, I couldn't agree with you more sueu2. Think of all of the popular non-fiction books out there written by people with absolutely no degree in the topic they are writing about. Trying to attack an author who is a step-parent for writing about being a step-parent and insinuating she has no authority is another example of the backwards, double-standard world of step-parenting.

This is truly ridiculous. The author has the experience of being a step-mother and had the intelligence and foresight to analyze what was really going on behind the scenes, unlike, for example, some male author, with some sort of psy. degree, with zero experience as a step-parent muchless as a step-mother, trying to tell SMs that they need to suck it up and take it.

Anyway, what it all comes down to is BM and DH and not SM/SF vs. step-kids, contrary to what the belief has been for years and years and years. In reality, manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.

i dont have a degree in

i dont have a degree in adoolescent psychology or anthropology/sociology but i am an expert on step parenting. more than a decade of first hand observation makes me an expert.

Hmm. I don't think an

Hmm. I don't think an education is very useful if you don't learn to think.

For example, Noam Chomsky, the famous American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, historian, logician, social critic, and political activist is also sometimes described as "the father of modern linguistics" and is also a major figure in analytic philosophy, and one of the founders of the field of cognitive science.

But his degree is in linguistics. Good thing his ability to think crossed disciplines.

i agree that a degree and

i agree that a degree and ones expertise are not important. what is important is the material in the book and that should speak for itself.

my takeaway was that i was not alone in the way i was feeling, and that stepmothers across the board, and stepfathers to a lesser extent perhaps, are the most abused people in the family structure.

we have no support system and our feelings are not validated. we are told we should love the spouses children as if they are our own, even if it means tolerating the abuse of those children, and being put last as our husbands priorities.

its a must to read if you are married or involved with a man with children.

I have never read the book,

I have never read the book, nor do I intend to.

Living in real time is all I ever needed to know what being a step parent was all about.

As far as invading privacy,

As far as invading privacy, let's say that reasoning is true/sound..would we all not be doing almost the same here? This is a public posting site., after all. You do not have our real names, true--but just like the author---we do exist..lol. I read the book and I still do not know the names of her children and given the hell she has been through and learned from, it appears, she has every right to write a book.. Clearly, she found a publisher and there is an interested market.

I just think it is nice to find something written, even if bias, (not certain-but most opinions are anyway), that highlights the reasoning and thinking of SM's.Most SM's are their own greatest critic, wanting to make all relationships 110%, never understanding the dynamics behind their feelings.

Never read it... yet.

Rags, In the end, like you,

Rags,

In the end, like you, she appeared to over-come her obstacles. Interesting read.

Didn't read it, didn't need

Didn't read it, didn't need it.

But have heard good things about it and if it helps those in need, to find their way through the step world, then good for the author (whatever her degree may be in) and good for those it has helped.

Agreed Hereiam, I read about

Agreed Hereiam, I read about this book on this site. Several posters mentioned it, so I decided to read. For me, it was affirming.

I know, she makes that point

I know, she makes that point clearly in the book. The only chapter I did not get into was the one with the evil SM's , fairy tales,and the historical rationale. But, other than that, I read the book in one night.

Since I haven't read the

Since I haven't read the book, I don't know what you are referring to as far as "the one with the evil SMs", but I do know from experience, that evil SMs exist. Maybe they are just evil people, who happen to be stepmothers and so they have someone to take that evilness out on, but they do exist.

Yes, they give the rest of us bad names but their existence does not invalidate our feelings.

I also recognized that my SD had feelings and that those were valid, also. We are not the only ones thrust into a "situation".

Agreed Hereiam.. There is a

Agreed Hereiam..

There is a chapter that mainly speaks to fairy tales and how stepmothers were/are stereotypically written about and frequently characterized as evil. Without a doubt, there are evil SM's, SD's etc, etc.

There was also the part about

There was also the part about the SM in German fairy tales (I believe) that was basically the SD's servant. We are either evil or supposed to be subservient to the needs of skids.

Dh's sons are 27/31. I thought the book wouldn't really apply since they were older, yet even the parts about the small children trying to squeeze between DH and SM applied. Sections about teenage behavior applied, funny that ss31 acted the most like the disgruntled teen girls in the book. He trashed me to his friends and even w/in earshot said, "she stole my dad from me." Whoa!

Issues about BM loyalty bonds (addressed in the book) became crystal clear. There was no way I was trying to "mother" these grown men but because I was nice to them it created a conflict between me and their mother. They can't really like me or its a betrayal to their mother.

Extremely validating read regardless of the age of your skids.

Thanks for telling me about

Thanks for telling me about it and I will go back and reread it now. Just my short attention span....thank you again!

You are hereby bestowed with

You are hereby bestowed with an honorary degree in "StepMumming" from the School of Hard Knocks. You've earned it!

bravo, stepaside, for

bravo, stepaside, for bringing light to an ignored group of people. society has long trashed the role of stepmother.

we start our marrying a man with children with the built in expectation that we are somehow less than the mans first wife.

i agree that degrees are really useless in regards to expertise.

Outtahere and Stepaside, I

Outtahere and Stepaside, I also agree with your reviews. It was nice to read something that was not totally psycho-babble.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

I had read a couple books, or

I had read a couple books, or tried to, before this one. It's the only one I finished and really got some clarity from; explanations, examples, rationale, etc.

The biggest idea for me was the idea of "responsibility without authority." I was floored when I read that and wanted to shout Yes! To the hilltops. It gave me understanding of why I was so frustrated and combined with ideas from those here on ST, I could make a plan for myself going forward.

I know, at least I could

I know, at least I could connect with the author's experiences. Great point, Cover1W.

Appreciate everybody's responses!

Liked but didn't love

Liked but didn't love it.
Loaned it to DH to get his take.

His take?
Spent twenty minutes yelling at me about this "Self-pitying woe is me I'm a stepmartyr bullshit" I was reading, then binned it.

Steplife rocks.

I found passages my husband

I found passages my husband and I could both benefit from, actually. It is nice to read something from the SM point of view for a change.

At least he read it, though I am not certain it was worth 20 minutes of yelling to prove how much empathy he was lacking.

I am waiting for the right time, I am thinking predictably Christmas, some real skid fun always comes up about that time..lol