almost afraid to post again after what happened last time
But I need to ask about this. Am I crazy?
The youngest skid (will be three in a couple of weeks) is with us right now, visiting. She doesn't talk as much as she should for her age, but she is able to tell her dad basically what she wants and do quite a few things by herself. I see her do these very normal things all the time - ask for milk, water, snack, etc. I have been around her since she was 9 mo old and for a long time, she stayed with us two weeks on/two weeks off. During that time I would get her ready in the morning, feed her breakfast, take her to day care, pick her up....and I didn't face the problems I'm having now. About 6 mo ago, there was a custody hearing and the mother was awarded primary custody, with her father getting her every other weekend. Since then - there has been a big problem.
I'm home all day, and her dad goes to work (I'm a teacher so I'm off for a few weeks). As soon as he leaves, she turns into a different person. She will not speak to me. She will not answer simple yes/no questions. She would rather DIE than ask me for water, milk, a snack, etc... even though I hear her ask for oodles of things when her dad is here. She knows how to work the remote for the TV but pretends that she can't when her dad is not home. A couple of the days since she's been here, she has, of her own accord, stayed in her room for HOURS at a time, rather than be in the same room with me.
Ok, well I told her dad today that I'm really not comfortable taking her out in public since she will not communicate with me (after he had suggested that we go out). If something happened.. she needed something ... she wouldn't tell me. How do I know she wouldn't just run off, away from me and not respond to me. I told him I feel like it's a saftey issue. I have been telling him for months that she does not like me and he has belittled me for feeling that way.
He thinks that's something I "need to get over". Everything I said about the issue was wrong. No matter what I said, his comeback was, "she's 3". I told him, she understands every word we say and is capable a lot of things, but refuses to act in a normal manner when alone with me. Before, he just didn't beleive me... now he's seen it first hand.... and now the excuse is that "she's 3".
It's hard enough dealing with her in the house. I really don't want to try it out and about. Am I wrong in feeling this way?
I'd appreciate your constructive ideas on how to fix this or hearing about your experiences with anything similar. I feel really alone in this.
Let me clarify the custody
Let me clarify the custody thing... the change 6 mo ago was that it switched from two weeks on/two weeks off (which had been going on since the start) to every other weekend visits. There hasn't been a prolonged period of time when she wasn't around.
Oh ok, I thought that you
Oh ok, I thought that you thought I was away from her completely for 6 mo.
That certainly could be it, and I could see how that could happen, but the thing is, she has no problem making the transition to her dad and sister. He sister has a different mother and they have not grown up together.
She has been here two full weeks now.
Oh, and we just took her to visit my mother and some of my relatives last week. She warmed up to them real quick too. I can't help but think it's me. I know some kids really do take a long time to warm up to new people or to people they haven't seen in a while, but that doesn't seem to fit her personality or the situation with people other than me. I would be a lot more understanding about this if this was the case. But I can't help to take it a bit personally at this point.
We live 5 hour drive away
We live 5 hour drive away from where BM is. It's just in summer he gets this one long stretch, but thanksgiving and Christmas are alternated so there will be longer stretches then too
Why did custody go from two
Why did custody go from two weeks on/two weeks off to every other weekend? That's like 15days down to four. Separated days, at that?
You've might have already said, I don't read everything everyone writes. I'm curious though if the child spent so much time with you for like two years, then hardly anytime. Does she feel she's done something that made you send her away. She sounds every angry (hurt?) and she's focusing it on you. It's not normal for a three year old to hide away all day. They are very social little beings who desire attention and interaction.
Custody changed because this
Custody changed because this is what the mother wanted. She decided to bring it to court instead of sticking to the plan that they had made previously, and another one after that that they did with the help of a mediator. Her father believes that the BM is just doing anything she can do to mess with him, including asking for ridiculous amounts of child support and for him to pay her court/lawyer fees for the custody. She was not awarded the reimbursement of the lawyer fees and the child support is yet to be determined.
You may be right about the a lot of time for visits turned to very little time for visits thing. I agree that this behavior is not normal. I have no way of knowing how the child sees it, but of course I had really nothing to do with the custody decision.
wait, so BM petitioned the
wait, so BM petitioned the court for the change, a hearing was held and judge signed off on it? What did your husband say about this? Did he argue against it???
I feel like there's more to the custody change story.....
Yes. She petitioned for the
Yes. She petitioned for the change.
He was upset and had his own lawyer and we tried to fight it and lost.
We live about 5 hour drive away from where the BM and child live. I think she mostly won because of these things:
1. child's grandparents, familiar day care, dr and everything else are where BM lives.
2. child's much older half-sister (who lives with us - although she's visitng her mom right now) posted a video made late at night on FB, singing a song with inappropriate language with the child in the background. The 3 yr old likes to get out of bed and go into her sister's room and the sister allows it instead of putting her back in her room (despite us telling her not to allow it). Scum bag lawyer asked me why I didn't know what was happening in my own home. What am I supposed to do? put a chair in the hallway and watch all night? We put the child to bed at an appropriate time. There is no alarm that goes off to wake the household when the child exits her room.
No, you are not wrong.
No, you are not wrong. Howevever, if you are struggling this hard this early with this young of a Skid the future will likely be untennable.
Never forget that parents, particularly breeding parents in a blended family marriage, tend have a very think pair of rose colored lenses that they view their bio spawn with. These rose colored lenses tend to make these parents nearly blind to the toxicity of the spawn and the lenses also drive a huge amount of rationalization and excuses for inappropriate kid behavior. Bet that the age of the kids, being a COD, blah, blah, blah.
I find that the only way to address the whole thing is keep the behvioral facts front and center and not allow anything inapppropriate go unaddressed with both the spawn and the rose tinted parent.
"No, your kids's toxic behavior is not cute and there is no excuse for it." needs to be a regularly used sentense for those married to the bio parents who for whatever reason cant see the truth relative to a toxic or ill behaved spawn.
The thing I am struggling with the most regarding your situation is why you would tolerate your DH belittling you even once much less repeatedly.
Good luck.
YES... I suggested the same
YES... I suggested the same thing about maybe the mother telling her not to talk to me! But I was once again met with the "she's 3" comment. I have no doubt that she probably bad-mouths me to her at home. She's that kind of person.
I have two nice dogs that she does play with. She also yells at them and tells them to "go lie down" even if they are just sitting there.
This morning her father said, sort of in passing, sort of directed at her, that she needed to stop "being mean" and tell me what she wanted. He's told her most days to "be good" and "listen" to me. He does see some glimmer of what she is doing - but just the tip of the ice berg. And instead of his kid actually being to blame for something or the cause of a problem, it's easier to blame me and say that "she's 3".
I asked her after he left if she had heard what her daddy said before he left... how he said she needed to listen and talk and stop being mean. She started screaming.
I actually DID your idea above... of talking to someone loudly about what we could do, except we can't because she won't talk and act like a big girl. No effect.
I know! He has three other
I know! He has three other girls all in their teens (one lives with us) and two out of the three hate me! I'm going through that at the same time!
Oh no worries there. It's my
Oh no worries there. It's my house .. in my name only.. and my job is stable. If anyone's leaving, it's him and his.
"I have two nice dogs that
"I have two nice dogs that she does play with. She also yells at them and tells them to "go lie down" even if they are just sitting there."
And she hides away herself. Could be the way she's being treated at BM's. Could be the child has become afraid of women ...this is not the same little girl who use to come and thrive in you're home and your presence six months ago. She acts normal with her Dad? Perhaps she feels the only person she can trust? The living conditions in BM's home you stated on this thread, it sounds deplorable. Has CPS checked the house? It sounds like the city could condemn the property.
We have called CPS multiple
We have called CPS multiple times about the condition of the home, about the chronic cough that we think is due to being around smoking all the time... about lots of things. Apparently in her state, it's not a problem to live that way.
Yes, she acts much more normal with her dad, but I do believe she has a speech problem. I think she's talking like a much younger child (a year behind) or so. They told me I was unqualifed to have such an opinion about her speech in court. I've been teaching 20 years and have three kids who were all 3 at one point... but you know, I'm an idiot.
Yes, she will be with us
Yes, she will be with us three weeks in this stretch. She has acted this way the whole time she's been here and I swear it's even getting worse.
He usually only works part of
He usually only works part of the day. Yesterday he was home around 2. Every evening I find myself just retreating out of their way so she can just be herself and spend time with her dad without me ruining the atmosphere.
I am really surprised about the outcome with the judge as well. The mother lives in a dilapidated trailer with no central heat or ac. The yard is trashed. There are nails sticking out of the kitchen cabinets and the entire kitchen is sinking. The mother isn't much of a house keeper and smokes in the house and even smokes pot in the car while driving w/ the kids. Even the car is filthy and there is trash piled all around the car seat. We had photos of all this to show in court. There is no reason in the world for her to be living this way because she makes more money that I do and where she lives, everthing is much cheaper than it is here. She also has assistance for day care and medicaid for some reason and for the life of me I cannot figure out how she gets it with the money she makes. We live in a single family home (in my name only) with a fenced yard and central heat/air and it was remodeled in the past year. Nobody smokes in this house. Somehow I manage to live this way, earning the same income she does in a much more expensive area. My SO thinks she must be on drugs or something because he can't understand where the money is going. Also, I couldn't help but notice how many lies the mother's lawyer spewed out during court that day. I thought it wasn't ok to lie in court? Oh well.
I go with scumbag. It seemed
I go with scumbag. It seemed pretty clear. Seems like the judge saw through it with the reimbursment for court/lawyer fees thing. Hopefully that will carry over into the child support thing. BM is showing her true colors even more with every petition she files and they seem to get crazier.
Oh it's not the only time her
Oh it's not the only time her attorney has looked silly
it posted twice by
it posted twice by accident... duplicate deleted
Thank you everyone so far for
Thank you everyone so far for your really nice replies and suggestions. It's helpful just to hear someone say I'm not crazy.
Just tell him to get a
Just tell him to get a sitter.
Why were you afraid to post here? You received tons of help, support and encouragement on your last blog.
Pretty much everyone who responded was outraged at the way your boyfriend treated you and spoke to you. They were livid about your MIL basically telling to just shut up and accept that awful treatment.
Yes, there were a lot of nice
Yes, there were a lot of nice comments and help. And some not.
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No family nearby... We live
No family nearby... We live 5 hours away from BM and her family. I would be paying because he started his business in after and is still struggling to break even
I truly think this has
I truly think this has nothing to do with you personally. I try to remember when my own DD is being a pain that they are still mostly feral animals at that age (she's 2.5).
So treat them as such. My DD has been pretending to be a baby and wanting help with things that she can do, and I was indulging her for a while. But then it got annoying. So now... I ignore her. She ramped up the whining and I ignored her. She calms down and talks normally, I act so happy to hear from her and praise her for calming down and talking like a big girl so I can understand.
The idea is... zero feedback while doing behaviours you don't like. Zero bang for the kid's buck. Then, the minute you see any good behaviour (even the absence of bad behaviour is ok), praise, praise and praise.
I'd say this kid has just gotten into the habit of 'playing' you like this. But you're in charge.
So here's how I'd address the specific issues you mention:
1. Will not speak/answer questions/ask for anything
I would ask a question once, if there is no response, just move on. You say, "Would you like oatmeal or muesli for breakfast?" *no response* "I'll count to three, if you don't make a choice then I'll just make oatmeal." If she is consistent, she'll be getting oatmeal! She may then complain she doesn't want oatmeal, but just ignore all the complaints. You can really expect her to behave very badly at first because she is used to somehow 'controlling' you and now you are taking the control back. I'd use this for all situations. Including not offering her drinks except at mealtimes.... but I would be fairly consistent with meal/snacktimes so that you at least know she's been given the opportunity to eat & drink. In my house it's (approximately) 7.30, 9.30, 12.30, 15.30, 17.30.
2. Not listening/may run off
I'd get a harness/leash thing. She's young enough that it's not unusual, and it would give you peace of mind and means you're not housebound yourself. Of course you can't really wrestle her into it, so you're back to point one - you're in charge, if she wants to go for a walk, she'll have to put the harness on. I'd also work on her for listening skills (really, obedience training). I would start off with walks, going to the grocery store, environments where you can do the whole thing with her on a tether. Talk about good listening, what you expect etc before you even start, and all the while. Have her practice stopping when you ask, ask her about where she needs to stop on her own (at the curb, etc). She doesn't have to talk back, you'll just observe her behaviour and see when you're ready to bring her to a small park to run off-leash. (I know some will think I'm wrong for the leash idea, but when DDthen11months was running off, I was very glad to have a leash to keep her safe and to save my back from bending down to hold her hand, which she hated anyway.)
3. Pretends to not know how to work the TV
Oh well, too bad then, no TV for her. Ignore ignore ignore.
4. She doesn't like you.
So what? You're not in a popularity contest. You're not this kid's parent, but part of parenting is accepting that there are times your kid doesn't like you. The reward is, you like your kid anyway, and enjoy being together. You're doing your DH a HUGE favour of looking after his child in your spare time, and you're not having any fun. I would try really hard to find a way to change the interactions into something more positive, but I'd also be prepared to quit.
That's pretty much what I've
That's pretty much what I've done at meal time. I would ask her if she wanted milk, juice or water. She didn't answer, so I'd give her either milk or water. Daily now, I've given up on asking her what she wants for lunch. I fix something really nice for her. Nothing ANYONE could complain about. She normally eats all of it or a good portion of it. If her dad was here, she'd ask for more and something additional... or maybe NOT eat what was given to her and ask for something else. Oh well. She gets what she gets. I prepare nice things for her like grilled cheese, turkey sandwich, fresh or canned fruit, cucumber sliced from the garden, mac n' cheese, fish sticks... stuff kids like.
I've tried asking again and again for answers. I've tried putting her in time out for 3 minutes when she does not answer something simple I know she's perfectly capable of answering. Nothing matters. So, now I ask once. No answer, she doesn't get whatever it was or I choose whatever it is.
The leash idea is reasonable. and I don't judge folks who use them. I can understand how a one yr old could certainly need this and how the PARENT really needs the peace of mind. But she's big. She doesn't look 1 or 2. She's maybe even tall/big for her age. Yikes. I wish I lived out in the country where there weren't a lot of cars and people. I'd be willing to try this. But here, people know me. I'm a teacher locally. I'm not sure I want to be seen with a child this big on a leash. Maybe i'll just try to get her out in the back yard today. Maybe I'll put her lunch at the picnic table and see what she does.
About the TV - that's EXACTLY what I did. Not having the TV tuned in 24/7 certainly will not harm her.. in fact, it's better... so I figured if she wanted to watch she'd take care of it. She must not want to watch, right? Her choice. Not going to hurt anyone.
Her father doesn't want to hear it when any of his kids mess up. Out of one side of his mouth, he says I should discipline them myself without seeking his approval and I should speak my mind about anything that bothers me. Sounds nice... but it's not real. Any time I have a problem with any one of his girls I seem to end up the one getting the 3rd degree and consequences rather than the child that had the behavior. In reality - I think what he really means... is I should never mention to him anything his kids do wrong and that I can discipline them at my own risk. I try to stay out of all of it.
Thank you so much for the good ideas and shared experience. That's what we need on this site.
That's what I'm hoping for
That's what I'm hoping for too
THIS THIS THIS Even if the
THIS THIS THIS
Even if the child was the most well behaved kid on the planet, after the way dad treated/spoke to the OP, he doesn't deserve an ounce of help from her.
No friends have kids her
No friends have kids her age... I'm a bit old to have 3 yr old in my care,
What you describe is pretty much what it's turned into. Thanks for making me feel normal here... What I do is what others would do in same situation. That makes me feel better
Sounds like her mother is
Sounds like her mother is telling her that you're a mean lady who hates her or something. Or, maybe she just doesn't like what color hair you have this week and next week she'll like it again. It's a tough age to figure out of it's the child themselves doing this or if it's being influenced by BM.
Have you tried things like, "(dramatic sigh) oh, gosh, I really wanted to take you to a movie but only BIG GIRLS can go to movies...it's too bad, the Dory movie looks like so much fun! Maybe once you learn to be a big girl and communicate better we can go!" Maybe she'll suddenly be able to tell you she wants to go!
Yep! I have tried that!
Yep! I have tried that! There is a great park nearby we could go ton. I talked about how nice it would be to go, but if she won't talk to me, then we can't go
I have seen BM's residence
I have seen BM's residence many times. Inside and outside.
The mother wanted it to change. It was not about cps. The mother got what she wanted I suppose because family is there and she's the mom. Traditional.
The attorney skewed dates. Deliberately mixed up order of events to make things seem different. Said that I was not qualified to be expressing concern about her speech (father expressed concern too) . Since when do you need qualifications to express concern?? Claimed that we were not taking her to dr or dentist. Why would we? She was 2 weeks on , 2 weeks off at her moms and that's where her dr is akready established. We have taken her to urgent care when needed. How many 2yr olds have been to the dentist yet??? She was 2.5 at the time if the hearing. You think her BM has taken her to the dentist yet? Of course not.
The lawyer was spot on.
The lawyer was spot on. There's no reason why dad couldn't take his kid to the doctor and dentist during his time.
And yes, 2 year olds do go to the dentist. In this case, dad is just as bad as mom.
Why do 2 year olds go to the
Why do 2 year olds go to the dentist? Just to hang out, climb on the chairs, eat some toothpaste?
Have you tried getting her
Have you tried getting her older sister to ask her why she's not talking to you?
She might open up to her sister and tell her if BM has told her bad things about you or whatever reason it is that she's angry with you.
I'm not saying interrogate the kid, just have her sister chat with her. Something is going on and it would be good to get to the bottom of it.
Unfortunately, her sister is
Unfortunately, her sister is away right now
??? How does a 3 yo NOT like
??? How does a 3 yo NOT like someone??
Never mind, I now see the
Never mind, I now see the post is from a 6 hour member.
What is that supposed to
What is that supposed to mean? I've been on this board longer than 6 hours. But why does that matter? Is the issue I shared here less valid somehow?
No, I am saying I'm not
No, I am saying I'm not volleying with a 6 hour user.
And how is 'liking' someone
And how is 'liking' someone relevant in life? I mean, what if you don't like a teacher, a coach, a boss, a friend's boyfriend... when do you learn that your feelings are not the axis on which the world turns? Why not at age 3 with your SM who takes loving care of you?
FFS. Some people cannot be taken seriously. I guess those are the people I don't like. So they should go away.
^^^^This^^^^ I can
^^^^This^^^^
I can remembering telling my mom about a teacher I didn't like in 3rd grade and her letting me know a few facts:
It didn't matter if I liked her
I am to respect all adults
My job in school is to learn not "like" people
She also let me know that there was a possibility that the said teacher didn't like me either
The last line was a head jerker for me and really put my little as* in check.
My comment: Submitted by
My comment:
Submitted by moeilijk on Thu, 07/21/2016 - 8:34pm.
And how is 'liking' someone relevant in life? I mean, what if you don't like a teacher, a coach, a boss, a friend's boyfriend... when do you learn that your feelings are not the axis on which the world turns? Why not at age 3 with your SM who takes loving care of you?
FFS. Some people cannot be taken seriously. I guess those are the people I don't like. So they should go away.
What appears to be a response:
Submitted by River on Thu, 07/21/2016 - 9:45pm.
Some step moms here have complained they don't like their step kids for no reason and that is accepted. So why is it different for a child? Cause they are smaller?
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If this comment is indeed directed at what I wrote above, then my response is:
And how is 'liking' someone relevant in life? I mean, what if you don't like a teacher, a coach, a boss, a friend's boyfriend... when do you learn that your feelings are not the axis on which the world turns?
It's possible for kids to
It's possible for kids to dislike people. :? I'm not saying that is the case here.
Wowza No advise other than.
Wowza
No advise other than. SORRY to read about this.
Time for a reevaluation of life Oneggshells. Looks like a very long road.
Please put yourself first..........YOU matter, we all do.
Maybe RIVER is an oldie who
Maybe RIVER is an oldie who changed their name?
It has been known to happened a lot lately.
Exactly. I always wondered
Exactly. I always wondered how the hell she had so much time to be every where on this board. Looks like she can't stay away even when she finds out no one wants her around.
You just answered the
You just answered the question. Save your prayers sweetie. :sick:
Yeah, this was exactly why I
Yeah, this was exactly why I was reluctant to post.
River, I have not harmed this child. I have provided everything for her and I fix her nutritious meals, better than what her BM gives her. I provide a safe environment and routines like all children need. Yes it's possible she doesn't like me. I kind of doubt it's something I've done unless my simply being present is offensive, and that is certainly possible. I came here seeking solutions... Things I can try.. And stories from others that have been through something similar. That what I was getting. Your input, on the other hand, seems to be intended to stir the pot.
If you post on the blog side,
If you post on the blog side, you have the option of deleting comments. Click *poof* , no more River (or whoever) to annoy you. The option, however, is only if it's your blog. You don't have that option on the forum side or in other members blogs.
I have a 2.5 year old and she
I have a 2.5 year old and she doesn't like me either sometimes. She gets her little grumpy face on (which is just so dang cute) and stamps her foot and yells "Maaaaaaaa!!!!" I explain to her (as best as you can to a toddler) that I understand she's upset but that I love her and I am only doing what's best for her. She usually threatens to pinch me at that point (she likes to pinch the fat under the arms) so I just repeat myself as I toss her butt in time out. Toddlers are all about pushing boundaries. If there are no ramifications for her actions, how will she ever grow? Maybe dad needs to put her in time outs when she is rude to you. And giving someone the silent treatment is rude. I am big on teaching manners. Hell, manners are the only free thing in life besides Jesus.
UPDATE: Well I somehow made
UPDATE: Well I somehow made it through 3 weeks and she's gone now (as of Sat). She did not talk to me, ever, the entire 3 weeks. After a couple of blow ups directed at ME, DH did finally see first hand evidence enough times that he really started believing me and not blaming me.
We were staying at a hotel and we were at their breakfast.. I got her a plate and asked her if she wated sausage (he was standing right there). She would not answer me. He said "answer her!" several times. Then finally he said "Do you want sausage" and of course she said yes, clear as day, then. YEAH.
Then, another day, I had dressed her in a new outfit I had just gotten for her - a mini mouse top and coordinating shorts. She was talking about mini mouse and he said to her "Do you like that new shirt with mini mouse on it?" she said yes. and then he said "well, say thank you to Eggshells because she got it for you... say thank you". She WOULD NOT DO IT. I think these couple of incidents started the ball rolling.
The final turning point was one day when he walked in and I was coming down the stairs looking very upset. I had just bathed her, changed her clothes and put her in bed. This was about 1 in the afternoon. I told him that she had peed all over the couch, including on his heating pad for his back, blanket, etc. For some reason, that struck the right cord, and caused him to turn a corner. I told him the whole story... I had noticed she was wet when I had taken her outside to the picnic table for lunch. I thought she might like that....when we were out there I noticed she was wet and it looked like she had been for some time. Please note that She IS potty trained. There is no reason in the world why she wouldn't get up and use the bathroom, which is 8 feet away from the couch and she does it all day long by herself with no problem, typicall6y. (when he is home). So I started asking her yes/no questions that I KNOW she should be able to answer... Did you wet your pants? Does it feel yucky sitting in wet clothes? etc. No answer to any of these things of course. She would not look at me and was flinging her food around while I was trying to talk to her, which I thought was rude. I took her food that she was playing with away, and said look at me and answer my question... did no good. That's when I dragged her inside, very matter-of-factly, and got her in the tub. Yeah so he was mad at HER finally and he saw how exasperated I was and that I was REALLY TRYING to do all the right things. I agree it took way way way too long for him to come to the conclusion that it just might be her choosing this bad behavior and NOT be Eggshell's fault!
Regardless - this whole situation was not right. I'm aware of that. He should have listened to my legit concerns instead of blaming me and telling me to "get over it".. from the VERY FIRST TIME. I am still sore about it - and the ALL the issues that stem from ALL of his kids. This is really been the only thing that we ever have fought about. The bottom line is that none of them can do any wrong - and I'm expected to give give give give without complaint until my last dying breath.
Well, at least he sees now that I was NOT making anything up in this situation... and if you've read my other posts... the older one with the food hoarding... yes, he's come around on that issue somewhat as well. That child has now returned from her visit with her mother... and despite having a conversation about the food and unsanitary conditions she left in her room SHE LEFT OPEN FOOD CONTAINERS W FOOD IN IT IN HER ROOM THAT VERY EVENING. I told him about this and he just shook his head. I threw out the rest of the candy and the open bag and didn't say a word about it to the child. She's done nothing but hibernate in her room the entire time and make noise in the middle of the night (I can tell she's up til all hours) and fight about being asked to do the dishes. This is her ONE chore. and no food in the bedrooms is the ONE rule.
Yes... it's my house. The vehicles are mine. Everything is in my name. That is my wild card that I have left to play- but I really hope it doesn't come to that. I hope he continues to realize that he cannot immediately jump on ME about things his kids do. I'm not perfect, but I DON'T make things up!
This is really, really sad to
This is really, really sad to me because my daughter will be 3 in a couple of weeks and this behavior is NOT NORMAL at all. Seriously. I don't know, I mean, did dad instill manners in his daughter from the getgo? Or was kind of like, well she's a baby and doesn't need to learn it until later.
I say this since my almost 3 year old will follow directions like "say thank you" or "say sorry" very well, even if she's stranger shy to someone, which a lot of 3 year olds are. They're finding out they have a choice that they can follow their emotions on liking or disliking someone--however, they should be taught that regardless, they should be polite.
I don't know if punishment and getting louder will work on a 3 year old--it'll just make her associate you with her dad getting angry and build resentment in her which you really don't want at that age. She may believe her ignoring you is a type of control over her own life (eg. "I can make a choice about who I want to talk to") because 3 year olds often feel like every choice is made for them even though they have started to form their true opinions. I would let dad handle her completely and keep your involvement to a minimum, kind of like a nice, friendly aunt, so she doesn't see you as the reason why her dad is getting mad at her.
Anyway, you can't make a stubborn 3 year old like someone they don't. Believe me, I've tried. But you can make it clear that they have to be polite, which includes answering when spoken to.
If she sometimes ignores her dad too, then he might want to look for constructive ways to fix that FIRST before moving on to anything else.
Has she been hearing tested?
Has she been hearing tested? Speech delays can be caused by several issues and hearing tests in young children are often overlooked. When my kiddos were young we leaned "Baby Signs." It was really fun and they were able to communicate their needs before they could talk.