another squashed birthday... seems like a theme. Maybe should have its own forum LOL
My birthday was the 5th.
Back up to the 4th for a minute: On the 4th, first thing in the morning, my SO happened upon the trash can full of garbage I had collected in his 13 yo daughter's room. She is away with her monster (ahem.. mother) this whole month. She's been away for a couple of weeks already... ok so she was supposed to have cleaned all this stuff from her room and SO thinks that because he saw her taking some trash out and moving a broom up/down the stairs that she actually must have cleaned the hell out of it. NO. All that garbage that I placed in the can was still in there. No.. she didn't do a good job. And the rule is NO FOOD IN BEDROOMS so why the hell she had all that shit in there, I have no idea. I had JUST had a major blow up with her about food in her room and had even found a can for an alcohol drink in there. As far as I knew, he'd never said a word to her about any of that.
OK, so SO finds the trash can full of trash in there and I'm the one that gets in trouble. Yeah so we pretty much aren't on good terms all day. Have NO plans for the 4th. None of my kids are with me. It sucked.
The next day is my birthday. I did not know SO had to work that day, so he was getting ready to go pretty early. He woke up without a good morning, happy birthday, hug or anything at all for me. His pwecious DD comes in and his tune suddenly changes... he's all "good morning girlie ... coo coo coo" and so obviously it wasn't a morning grumpy issue. It was more like a F*** You issue to me. So he goes off to work, with nothing to say to me.
Later, he texts me happy birthday. I said "oh, I thought you forgot"... still sore about that morning. I mentioned how it would have been nice to have been met with some kind of nice greeting instead of surly behavior. The day did not get better. When he got home... dinner consisted of going to someplace the kids like and ME paying for it, and that almost didn't happen either. Nobody even said happy birthday in person, there was no cake, no gift of any kind. Mind you at my age, I really don't care much about gifts and really would rather not have "the song" in public... so that's not a real big deal to me... but a little THOUGHT and EFFORT would have been nice. And then that night....
OMG
So I'm pretty upset over the events of the last couple of days.... he has made absolutely no effort to give me any kind of appropriate attention that would be "everyday" kinds of stuff never mind BIRTHDAY.
In the night, his pwecious DD comes down and gets in OUR BED. I hate this more than anything. Often he will just bring her back, but not this time. I got pushed further and further over the edge of the bed. My butt is literally hanging over and I am obviously not sleeping. I got up to let dogs out and when I came back there was no way to get back in the bed without waking someone up. I knew I was going to get in trouble if I woke him up. And I knew I was going to get in trouble if I slept someplace else. I wandered around and sat in different places in the house for a couple of hours... then ... pretty upset... I final woke him up and asked him to please make some room for me in the bed. And what does he say.... NOT "oh sorry, I'll go put her to bed, I didn't mean to fall asleep"... Nope ... not that. He said "WELL IT WASN'T (expletive) DONE ON PURPOSE!!". And then he took her upstairs and went to bed with HER.
This IS my birthday.
So little bit later, I go up and really just wanted to see if he was coming back.... got yelled at and sworn at all over again and this time he said he was leaving me.
Thinking back on this... this makes no sense to me.
Am I crazy?
So he swore at me more, called me all kinds of names. I told him he would not speak to me that way.... he ordered me to go to bed. Eventually I gave up on reasoning and explaining that all I had wanted was to be close to him on my birthday and to not be pushed away and slighted all day long. I knew there was nothing I could do and if he was leaving, he was leaving. I was so mad at that point I was pretty ok with the idea.
He eventually came to bed but had nothing to say to me and did not touch me or anything.
I get along well with his mother. At 1 am I texted her and said he was leaving me (no other details)
In the morning she called and tore him a new one. She told me after that he was still mad at me and even more so that I texted her at first but she persisted and got him to see his wrongdoing... but he has not said sorry or anything else to me, although his guilt is apparent. He came home that day and immediately put together the two Adirondack chairs that have been in boxes in the living room for two weeks.
I still have not heard sorry...and I know it will happen again.
I have told him many times, the end of our relationship will be something about his kids. Something will happen, and he will take their side and whatever they've done will not matter. Never mind that I have provided everything his kids need for the past two years (Christmas gifts, complete support for the one that lives with us, daycare for the youngest, clothing for all....). None of that's enough. They treat me like shit. I get in trouble when I say they've done something, or don't like me.
His mother told me she put up with the same kind of treatment from his father and the best thing to do is to just pretend none of it happened and to never cry in front of him. I told her I don't know if I can live like this.
Why are you still there? No
Why are you still there? No way I would spend 5 more minutes with an ahole like that. It's not the kids - it's HIM.
Why am I here? Because for
Why am I here? Because for the most part over the last more than two years, things were pretty good. This is not typical behavior. That's why it's so alarming. He HAS always had an issue re: his kids, that's mainly what any disagreement we've had has been about...but this name calling and swearing and ignoring me stuff is not something he has done before.
I came here to see if anyone has been through this and maybe see what could be done to salvage things.
I told his mother about it just because she has always been supportive of me, plus I thought that he would likely go there if he left. She has known him far longer than I have and I thought maybe she'd have something helpful to say.
This is very true. She just
This is very true. She just warned you.
Many men use their parent's relationship as a model and expectation of how things in a marriage "should be".
Some things are less harmful than others (My DH had the expectation of all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, and budgeting in the house being done by ME ALONE, because DH never once saw his father lift a finger to do anything other than work outside growing up.)
These things can be realized and adjusted early in a marriage by a swift kick in the pants and a reality adjustment. However, taking verbal abuse and being told by his mom to suck it up and take it?? This behavior will likely never change and will only get worse with time.
Seriously, why would you live
Seriously, why would you live like that. What is he adding to your life?
You spend your money on his kids.
He orders you around like you are a child.
He calls you names.
He did absolutely nothing to make your birthday happy. In fact, he sabotaged it.
He is an abusive a hole. Stop spending money on him and his kids and use your money to move out or better yet, take him up on his offer to leave. Tell him to take his kids and go.
You are a grown woman. This
You are a grown woman. This man is your SOne not your father. You can't get into trouble for saying to doing anything. You're an adult not his child.
I want to slap his mother. Weak women like her who stay with men who treat them like shit, end up with sonso who think it's OK to treat women this way. And/or daughters who think being treating like garbage is normal.
His mother is giving you stupid advice. The best thing for you to do is to leave her crazy ass son. Stop listening to that idiot woman. You have to love yourself more than you love this jerk.
You can't fix him. He grew up in dysfunction so in his mind what he's doing is normal. In his twisted mind, your objections to his craziness isn't normal.
His mother isn't your friend. If she truly cared about you, she would tell you to get away from the monster she created.
Where are your family and friends?
That's a really interesting
That's a really interesting question. I have some good friends. I have a very good friend in FL who would like nothing more than for me to come down there with her... however, I'm determined to stay here, in the house I bought and to see through my career to retirement so I can get my full pension and have some security when I'm retired.
I don't really have any family. My parents pretty much stopped speaking to me when I left my ex husband.
"I'm determined to stay here,
"I'm determined to stay here, in the house I bought and to see through my career to retirement so I can get my full pension and have some security when I'm retired. "
This is boyfriend, not husband. If it's your house and you are solely on mortgage and deed, he has no rights to the house. You may have to do an eviction process, but the house is yours. You can stay in home, work your job and eventually retire and earn your pension. You don't have to move away. You have income and if your kids are minors, hopefully CS to help with your kid's expenses. You don't need this guy.
I just read your bio. Are
I just read your bio. Are your children minors? If so, do you really want this guy to be their example of what a man is? Stay there and and I 20 years your son will be this jerk and your daughter will be you.
Is that what you want for your children?/
His mother told me she put up
His mother told me she put up with the same kind of treatment from his father and the best thing to do is to just pretend none of it happened and to never cry in front of him. <- this is why your DH thinks it's ok to treat you this way. It's how he grew up. That doesn't change the fact that it's WRONG. Regardless of the birthday issue - this is not ok any day of the week. I don't know much of your backstory but since you have sons according to your bio please think very hard about the type of men you want them to become. Children learn what they live with. Do you want to be the MIL explaining to your DIL that she should just 'put up and shut up'?
Hon for the love of all that
Hon for the love of all that is your sanity would you ever get out. What is going in today ? Is it national abusive partner day or something? The way he treated you is a disgrace - he is an ignorant pig of the highest order. Cursing you out and calling you names - he is done it is over.
Why are you paying for hai kids as well? Ffs let him do somethin for his kids since he can't parent them
And no bday at all? This is insane
He has said he is leaving so let him come home and find all his stuff and his kids stuff packed with notice of two weeks that he needs to be gone. Or better yet take back your money and self respect and be gone yourself
HIS BEHAVIOR IS ABUSIVE. HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS A SECOND LONGER
YOU CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT LIVE LIKE THIS !!!!
Please leave this douchebag.
Please leave this douchebag. He has no business calling you names and being soooooo disrepectful. Let him have his precious kid and go to bed with his little darling. Ugh. Weirdo
If you can safely leave DO
If you can safely leave DO IT! You do not want your kids growing up in a house like this.
He has lost all respect for
He has lost all respect for you and you will lose all respect for yourself if you do not leave immediately. Seriously get out. I can not imagine staying with someone who treats me like this. For what purpose? You only get 1 life!
THe birthday thing is
THe birthday thing is uncaring and unfeeling but I'm more concerned about you feeling like you are in trouble for doing certain things. As a grown woman, you cannot "get in trouble" with your SO. By looking at it this way, you are allowing him to treat you like a child. He may not be happy about it, but he also may not punish you for what he deems to be wrongdoings. That's the job of a parent, not an SO.
He's calling you names, ignoring your feelings, swearing at you and making you feel like crap. He threatens you with abandonment to keep you in line. He's a manipulator. Not ok. Not ever. You will wait forever for an apology from that man. In his eyes, he's done nothing wrong. It's not in your best interest to simply keep your head down and hope for the best. This IS the best it will ever be. As another poster said, it's how he was raised. He thinks this is normal. I'm here to tell you it is NOT! My DH has never called me a name. Not ever. You know why? Because he's a loving partner and not a bully.
Do you have the financial means to leave? If so, please do. Sounds like you're the one with the money. Perhaps he's keeping you around for that reason? It's certainly not because he loves you. No one who loves you would ever treat you so poorly.
I keep wondering why a grown
I keep wondering why a grown woman would call her husband's Mommy.
I just wanted to tell her
I just wanted to tell her because I figured he'd be going to her house
You're his sugarmomma, his
You're his sugarmomma, his free ride, his nanny and bedbuddy, his kid's santa and atm. He will "apologize" (and by that I mean act like he's sorry or upset but not say the words) only enough so that you'll move on. He's really not sorry. What you saw was his true colors he was too tired to hide from you. You acted like a child scared of his punishment while he and his daughter, the happy couple, we're trying to live their life. Why are you scared if he gets angry with you? Why were you scared to wake him up when his daughter took your spot in bed? Why did you pay for your own birthday dinner especially when you didn't pick the place. I don't understand why you don't tell him to get out. Remember YOU ARE AN ADULT, ACT LIKE ONE! One thing that strikes me as odd is that you're so worried about catering to him even if it's costing you physically, emotionally, monetarily. WHY? What's so good about him? What is he bringing to the table that's worth all of this? If you think his mother calling him to chew him out proves to him that he's wrong-YOU are wrong, if anything he just doesn't want to deal with both you and his mother nagging him at the same time.
Your DH is a jerk. Paying for
Your DH is a jerk.
Paying for your own Bithday dinner at a restaurant the skids picked ? Hell no. I'd stay home or go out with friends.
A skid kicking you out of your own bed because daddy allows it and your afraid to wake him up ? How old is the skid? There are clearly some HUGE issues in your relationship.
SKid is 3
SKid is 3
Eggshell, your responses to
Eggshell, your responses to the input from people is very telling.
You answer questions about simple things, like skids age and why you texted MIL, but you aren't answering any of the REAL questions people here have asked you.
That speaks volumes.
IMO the reason your DH treats you the way he does is because he is angry and resentful about your relationship and your financial and other support, doesn't really care about you, and also because he has learned from his own father that women can be treated like doormats and will still lay around. That fits your situation to a "t".
The guy treats you like crap, threatens to leave you, and then you turn around and try to "reason" "explain" and tell him all you want is to be "close" and not be "slighted." What in the world is going on in your mind??
Instead of telling your MIL you can't live like this, you need to stand in front of the mirror and tell THAT woman you can't, won't, and will not live like this anymore. Then go visit a lawyer, WITHOUT thinking about whining about it to your DH first.
Somehow I don't think you will do that, though. So the other alternative is to expect more of the same, and worse, for the rest of your life. Don't count on that retirement because you may not live long enough to enjoy it - not with this level of stress and unhappiness.
No one knows how long we have on this planet - including you. Pretend that God has come down to visit you and said, "I don't normally tell people this, but I think it's important to tell you: Eggshells, you are going to die on April 17, 2035."
Now. With this in your mind, go back and read what you wrote above. What should you do?
I know why you called his
I know why you called his mom. I've been guilty of the things you're doing. You text her because you are trying to manipulate him into staying. Don't even try that "I just figured that's where he would go" bs. You knew she would emotionally blackmail him in to staying. And also because you are trying to make sure you're seen as the good guy and he's the bad guy. Don't worry! He really is the bad guy. You don't need to convince anyone.
He has done this "I'm leaving you" dance before, right? That's his answer any time he's mad. He knows you'll fold immediately and then you'll just fall all over yourself to try and win him back.
I know you think no one understands and that we just don't know him like you do. I know what an abuser is and he is an abuser. My ex was like this. I was not allowed to wake him up and if I did, I was screamed at and belittled. But if he overslept and late to work, guess whose fault it was? If I slept somewhere else, I was obviously cheating or no longer loved him. It was damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Here is my advice to you. You lack self esteem and you have been torn to emotional shreds. You have learned to manipulate in order to get your needs met. It's a means of survival, hon, and I am not judging you. But you are only keeping this cycle of dysfunction turning. Quit involving others. You only need to listen to yourself or a licensed professional.
Look at the great things about yourself. You are gainfully employed, have an amazing capacity to love, and you are a survivor. Please think about what you're doing to yourself. You walk on eggshells and have to play emotional head games. The drama it creates is addictive. Addiction to love and drama is real. It's a lifestyle and it's unhealthy. Go cold turkey and kick him out. It will hurt and you will feel an overwhelming desire to get your "love fix". But it will pass and each day it will get better. You don't need him. And I think you probably have come to the realization that you don't even want him. Please, for the love of all that's holy, get an exit plan ready and prepare to execute it.
Crickets. Hello Eggshells ...
Crickets.
Hello Eggshells ... are you still there? Reading any of this?
OK just to get to the
OK just to get to the point....You say that normally he doesn't act like this but yet you also say that you know you will get in trouble for waking him up to move over. So in reality, he has acted like this before. You walk on eggshells so you don't get in "trouble" or stir the beast. Been there, done that. You are so deep into the abuse that you don't even see it anymore unless it gets to an extreme level. Just because he isn't beating you does not mean he isn't abusive.
My XH was the same way. If you have to be afraid to wake him up to sleep in your own bed, or are afraid to sleep elsewhere all because he will be angry with you, that is abusive. And I haven't even gotten to the verbal abuse yet. For him to call you horrible names and threaten to leave you is emotional abuse.
The "D" word is a deal breaker for me. If my DH ever got so angry with me that he said he wanted a divorce, then he better have his bags packed and leave immediately.
That word is not something to throw around or threaten with. That is a HUGE no no.
You need to take a step back and really look at the dynamic in your house. You are not allowed to have any thought or opinion that disagrees with him. You are not allowed to sleep peacefully in your own bed or even in a different bed in the same house without getting in trouble. AND you are met with verbal and emotional abuse for not being the passive agreeable little wifey. Nope....Not a good way to live.
I understand (because I was in your shoes) that you will make excuses for him, try to be a better wife, and go above and beyond to make it all better. Until you are a shell of who you used to be, and miserable or just plain numb. Once you have hit rock bottom you will finally get the courage to leave. But sadly, you will have wasted a lot of years trying to please someone who isn't worth pleasing.
Go get some therapy for YOURSELF. To find your own self worth. I wish I had done it much sooner. It would have saved me years of abuse.
Good luck to you...